Husband has left. I'm so heartbroken

[PhonixK]

Hiya I don't know where to start. I'm new to all this so don't know abbreviations so hang in there please.

My husband left me 4 weeks ago. He's totally changed in the past few months. Snapping at kids easily and stressing out quickly. He has no patience with anything and struggles to concentrate on anything. He's also been finding it hard to sleep.

His job took him away April last year for 6 months and when he came home he was the man that I describe above. In the 5 months he's been home he's had to go away for roughly 8 weeks but it's been broken up across them months.

Things haven't been great, we've been arguing and gone through a rough patch and everything was sorted or so I thought.

4 weeks ago (a day before he's away again for 2 weeks) he tells me it's completely over and that when he comes back he will move out. I was heartbroken completely devastated. The kids (4,6 and 12) kept saying they were so excited for daddy coming home and I would just want to cry for them.

I suppose I was hopeful that he would have time to himself in the 2 weeks and sort his head and realise what he was throwing away. No such luck though. He came home and told the kids he had to sleep at work but he would see them all the time.

The kids are very close to him so I didn't want to say well no you can't see them everyday. So I've let him get on with it and tried a few times to talk to him but he just storms out and tells me I'm stressing him out and he hates being here.

I keep my mouth shut now. I've asked if counselling will help, he doesn't want to try because he's happy now so knows he's made the right choice even if it doesn't suit me.

I've cried, I've fought, I've been angry, I've been happy.

The only emotion I show is happy to him. I don't want him seeing how much he's broke me. We've been together for 11 years. Met when were 18 and 19 and been through so much together. I just don't understand how a man (a good man) can just up and leave his family. It's not like he's out every night drinking or partying with his friends. He sat in his tiny room with a laptop and hard drive and is happier?

We still talk and aslong as I don't bring us up we get on well. Money is sorted and we have sorted him visiting the kids kind of. He has no where to keep them over night so when he does I'll go to my mum's and he will stay at mine with the kids until he sorts something.

I want him back but I really believe he may need some help. I've spoke to his mum who is so shocked she can't believe any of this is happening and thinks he's maybe having a breakdown or something.

Sorry for the long essay but I'm struggling. Yesterday was a bad day. Today I'm ok, have a night at my friends at an ann summers party so looking forward to that.

Please tell me things get easier and i wont always feel like my life is all over the place.

He's either met someone else, or he's having a mid life crisis.

The same thing happened to a friend of mine. I shit you not. He just decided he didn't like being at hone with his wife a children anymore and moved out. He felt an overwhelming urge to just get out. He hadn't met anyone else, it was all in his stupid head!
He just went hone one day and told his wife he wasn't happy anymore and moved out. It came from nowhere for her and she was obvs in bits.

Fast forward a couple of years, they've both met someone else. Strange because no one ever saw that coming. Just him.

Hang on in there. Start to take control back now and think about you in this equation too. Good luck.

The armed forces has one of the highest divorce rates. Cheating is rife. Especially when away. The majority of them do it.

Citation needed or is this just misinformed opinion?

I wish people would stop saying the ops husband has been cheating on her, when they don't know this at all. Its the kind of thing some women keep saying on here. I don't think that a husband who is stressed out and moody and has some issues ,would be much use to another woman at all.

I hope that you and he can get some help for this sad situation that you are in. best wishes to you.

Good luck op.

You know your dh better than anyone.
What I would say is trust your gut instinct.
Be prepared for the worst case scenario.
Above all, look after you.

It's easy to concentrate on the dc and provide all of their needs, you've had a real shock to the system and you need looking after too.

Hope you're ok

Hi OP
It sounds as though you are being verystrong

I have been a mental health nurse for 20 years , and i get twitchy when i see on threads like this that people are so quick to shout depression

The have said that DP has been stressed , irritable, and has poor sleep.

Have you any professional experience of combat ptsd NoMud ? Or are you like the ten plus highly experienced NHS mental health nurses my husband has seen in the past five years - not one of whom had any professional experience, training or knowledge of this type of ptsd, or any understanding or knowledge of the types of circumstances that cause it?

A significant change in behaviour following an operational tour is cause for referral for assessment for combat ptsd.

I read your OP and my immediate response was 'this is a soldier with PTSD'. Please seek support for him from the unit welfare officer. Shitty as it feels now, don't necessarily give up on him. He needs mental health support, time and patience.

My DH was in Iraq in 2003 just before we got married. The months after his return were awful. I nearly called it off. 15 years later, we are doing ok (I am now the one with less stable MH).

QuiteLikely *"Cheating is rife in the armed forces.

Especially on trips away. coolsmools perhaps nobody wanted to discuss this with you? Or wanted to cheat with you? Seriously perhaps no one in your circle discussed it?"*

According to who? What exactly is your source?

Mine is 18 years with the Army as a wife, 9 different locations worldwide, 9 different regiments, working WITH families during family breakdowns... and no, its not the majority. Some do, but the majority? No.

I'm well aware that many people think that - but it doesn't ever stand up to scrutiny.

As for "...noone wanted to cheat with you..." oh please, little bit of pathetic attempt at a low blow. Do try harder.

In my MANY circles - we moved to a new regiment every two years - only two people in my 'circle' ever categorically cheated. And BOTH were wives, with non-serving civilians. I guess that doesn't fit your stereotyping of service personnel as philanderers though eh. The single lads and female soldiers shagged about all over the place, with each other and with the locals. As is their right. The married ones were usually pretty faithful. Obviously not all of them, but the incidence isn't higher than anywhere else. The main cause of marital breakdown was the stress of the job on families, the isolation, the living as single parents for up to 9 months at a time, financial issues, mental health problems

I'm guessing from your comments you don't have any personal experience of a forces community. In which case your opinion is based on what exactly? Soldier Soldier?

OP I hope you get the help tomorrow

Thank you everyone who replied.

I take the whole cheating thing with a pinch of salt but I have prepared myself for the worst.

My main concern is my children, I'm a grown woman and know what ever happens I'm strong enough to get through this. I obviously have my good days and bad days like everyone else who is going through a marriage break down.

I'm not a newbie to the military life. He wasn't in the military when we met but we've been through 9 years of tours and moving around and cheating isn't actually as common as people think. Infact the ones that I have heard of is the wife left at home doing it. Of course it happens with the serving person aswell but it happens in all walks of life.

The way I'm looking at it is my husband came home from Afghan and he was still him but he had lost a little bit. The next tour he came home and he was gone. Just tapped out. This could be a case of meeting someone else but my gut is telling me there's something wrong with him and it's not guilt. He hasn't shown any signs of there being someone else. He doesn't have Wi-Fi in his room to use his laptop except to watch films from his hard drive. He's isolated himself there.

He comes to see the kids but doesn't stay long before he's locked himself back up in his room. Messaging me sometimes about random things. Sometimes I see a little bit of the old him before he shuts down again.

There could be several reasons for his behaviour and all I can do is protect my self and keep things as normal and as happy for my children.

On my good days I will argue with anyone who says there's someone else on my bad days I'll admit that the whole OW things gets to me. I'm having a good day today though

Starting to talk divorce, custody and finances will make it real for him. Let him know you've accepted his decision and are ready to move on.

Why is everyone so fixated on him having met someone else? My husband did the same kind of thing - not a soldier, but took a job working out of town for quite a while, came home and had a breakdown and left. And that was that. There was never anybody else, he just decided he was unhappy out of nowhere and left. He didn’t come back unfortunately.

I suppose you can’t do much. I was always convinced mine would have up and realize he was giving up his loving wife and baby but nearly five months on he hasn’t changed his mind and I’ve just had to move on. Sending you warmth and love OP through this difficult time.

Rtmhwhales I think you will find everyone is saying that he is having an affair because that is the experience of many women on here (if you read the relationships board) where there is mention of a "script".

It doesn't mean it is necessarily true of course. Just that many different people have experienced similars scenarios and even if the ow doesn't appear immediately, she often (sadly) pops out of the woodwork later on.

Op - whatever the reason - and it sounds as though the reasons are more complex in your situation and perhaps related to your dh's mental health - I hope it ultimately works out for you and your dc (and for your dh too if mh related of course). What you are going through sounds very hard indeed and you deserve more open communication and some answers.

Hey Phonix, how has today been?
Did you manage to speak to someone that can offer some guidance?

Hi i couldn't seem to get anyone going to try again tomorrow. Fingers crossed I get somewhere

Hope you are having more luck today Phonix