Husband has left. I'm so heartbroken

[PhonixK]

Hiya I don't know where to start. I'm new to all this so don't know abbreviations so hang in there please.

My husband left me 4 weeks ago. He's totally changed in the past few months. Snapping at kids easily and stressing out quickly. He has no patience with anything and struggles to concentrate on anything. He's also been finding it hard to sleep.

His job took him away April last year for 6 months and when he came home he was the man that I describe above. In the 5 months he's been home he's had to go away for roughly 8 weeks but it's been broken up across them months.

Things haven't been great, we've been arguing and gone through a rough patch and everything was sorted or so I thought.

4 weeks ago (a day before he's away again for 2 weeks) he tells me it's completely over and that when he comes back he will move out. I was heartbroken completely devastated. The kids (4,6 and 12) kept saying they were so excited for daddy coming home and I would just want to cry for them.

I suppose I was hopeful that he would have time to himself in the 2 weeks and sort his head and realise what he was throwing away. No such luck though. He came home and told the kids he had to sleep at work but he would see them all the time.

The kids are very close to him so I didn't want to say well no you can't see them everyday. So I've let him get on with it and tried a few times to talk to him but he just storms out and tells me I'm stressing him out and he hates being here.

I keep my mouth shut now. I've asked if counselling will help, he doesn't want to try because he's happy now so knows he's made the right choice even if it doesn't suit me.

I've cried, I've fought, I've been angry, I've been happy.

The only emotion I show is happy to him. I don't want him seeing how much he's broke me. We've been together for 11 years. Met when were 18 and 19 and been through so much together. I just don't understand how a man (a good man) can just up and leave his family. It's not like he's out every night drinking or partying with his friends. He sat in his tiny room with a laptop and hard drive and is happier?

We still talk and aslong as I don't bring us up we get on well. Money is sorted and we have sorted him visiting the kids kind of. He has no where to keep them over night so when he does I'll go to my mum's and he will stay at mine with the kids until he sorts something.

I want him back but I really believe he may need some help. I've spoke to his mum who is so shocked she can't believe any of this is happening and thinks he's maybe having a breakdown or something.

Sorry for the long essay but I'm struggling. Yesterday was a bad day. Today I'm ok, have a night at my friends at an ann summers party so looking forward to that.

Please tell me things get easier and i wont always feel like my life is all over the place.

First time ever that I'm going to say there must be someone else. Sorry OP

I could have written your post world for word 4 years ago. I convinced myself he was depressed and needed help. I bent over backwards to accommodate him - but he twisted it all. Classic narcissistic behaviour and to him he convinced himself it was all my fault as I was unreasonable as I tried to fight for my marriage. - he has made his mind up and I had to fit in. My name was mud as he spouted a load of bullshit to people.
And of course it turned out he had been screwing someone at work when he was working away. Made him feel like George Clooney/Chris Hemsworth whoever that after 16 years married he could pull a younger, slimmer woman who was single and childless and had the time to flatter his Middle Aged ego.
So sorry OP. You will get lots of support on here.

Yeah he was on tour and had never been away from us that long before.

When I mention depression he flips. Screams he isn't depressed. I just don't know.

All I know is I'm going out tonight going to buy myself a little BOB and get drunk with the girls

I'm so sorry op but he isn't depressed and he has met someone else.

Unfortunately many posters here (including me) will have been through the exact same scenario, only to find out eventually that he'd met someone else. The nastiness to you is because he doesn't want to deal with the guilt he'd feel otherwise.

I was reasonable for a while, but eventually had to break off all communication for my own sanity. The more contact you have, the more you'll be hurt and damaged. Sort out access to the children so it rolls along smoothly without you having to be involved. Let him have the upheaval in his life, look out for yourself and your own comfort, you're the only one who will.

Phonic it might well of been me. Kids dad cheated on me 2009 ish. But we worked it out. Only for him to tell me we had grown Apart at the beginning of this year. And as if by magic a week later he changed his Facebook status to In A relationship. He, I have been told is constantly putting up pictures of him and her. I think he does protest too much. But I don't let it get to me. He had walked away from our house. And our pension and our kids. He has no security. No money and is a laughing stock hanging around people 10 years younger than him. Hope you get some peace. Stay strong and focus on you and the kids. It isnt easy.

I would contact welfare. Such a total change in personality after an operational tour is very concerning.

Screaming 'There's nothing wrong with me, it's YOU!' happened before my dh attempted to kill himself. Isolating himself in a room in the block was another indicator.

If he hadn't been on tour I'd be inclined to think otherwise - but because he has it NEEDS looking into as a possibility.

Denial, mood swings, personality change, anger - all PTSD indicators.

First time ever that I'm going to say there must be someone else. Sorry OP
This really is nonsense, no one on reading a thread, with a few paragraphs of info on the OPs life, can possibly know either way. In some ways its immaterial whether there is someone else, but please ignore people suggesting they know for sure OP.
I cannot understand why people make statements like that as if they are known fact .

Coolaschmoola. He isn't going out at all, thursday he goes to darts and thats it. He went out for a few beers last night and went back to the block. I'm going to contact ssafa on Monday morning and see what they can do if anything.

I'm really concerned for him, even if it does mean he doesn't want to b with me I don't care as long as he gets help.

Qwerty, im not taking that on board at all. I know my husband I know in my gut he isn't cheating or has cheated.

Sorry but I also think there is someone else. Men usually need a stimulus to leave their wives and kids and it's usually another woman, whether it's started up with her yet or not. In his mind he might not be feeling any guilt as technically nothing has happened yet (although there's a broad range of what that "something" is to a lot of people - I've known women say we've only kissed, that's not cheated, or we've not had penetrative sex so still haven't broken any vows). Concentrate on yourself now. You were together so young neither of you had the chance to experience much life with other boyfriends/girlfriends. He might be keeping it to himself to leave a pathway open to you if it doesn't work out.

Have you thought of speaking to the welfare officer?

I have thought about it but worried it makes him hate me. I'm doing it Monday morning though I've nothing to lose

If you ask the welfare officer not to disclose to your husband they won't, they have a duty of care to you also (assuming you're married the army is so weird like that).

And for what it's worth they will have a pad that he can take the kids to, so he's at it there, don't let him guilt you.

Also, I would speak to the padre, they are great at facilitating what's best for the DC involved.

One final thing, if you don't want to ship out tonight call the orderly officer who will arrange for either you to have a pad or your husband to take the children to.

All pads are pretty much the same as I'm sure you know so won't upset the kids by being totally different.

The armed forces has one of the highest divorce rates. Cheating is rife. Especially when away. The majority of them do it.

Of course you don’t think he’s cheating.

He’s going back to his room all night is he?

How about he comes to the house after work and stays until 10pm at which point you can return home.

I bet if you suggested this he will find all sorts of reasons why he can’t do it.

Has he been sleeping with you very often since he got back from his trip?

Men rarely lose their sex drive

Jeez... all this 'he's cheating, I know it' isn't exactly making OP's situation any different.
Ok so there is a chance that he is. But, there's also a strong possibility that the soldier, who's been on tour for 6 months, is in a crisis right now.
I've been there, still am, with a husband who has struggled with PTSD for 14 years.
Also, contrary to popular believe, the army are not that helpful to dependents when a marriage breaks down.
Once you're not part of a stable home life for their soldier, they're less interested in providing help and support for you.
Phonix, you need to concentrate on making sure you and your children are ok, and safe.
If his temper flares, be sure you have somewhere to go, away from him.
I hope you get some useful guidance on Monday from SSAFA/Welfare.

Has he been sleeping with you very often since he got back from his trip?

Men rarely lose their sex drive

....Unless they're depressed, stressed, having trouble sleeping, have an undiagnosed thyroid condition....in fact they do, for all sorts of reasons, but tend not to talk about it. About 15% self report as having low libido.

Quitelikely5 what a load of utter bollocks!

Not to mention fucking rude!

Most of them do it - so you did a poll of the tens of thousands of service personnel and then checked the data? No? Well stop spouting utter shite.

Before you start telling me how right you are please note that I worked for both the MOD and the British Forces Social Work Service all over the world. You are spouting opinion, NOT fact.

OP I'm glad you have decided to talk to welfare. As you say, you have nothing to lose and he might need them to know.

Cheating is rife in the armed forces.

Especially on trips away. coolsmools perhaps nobody wanted to discuss this with you? Or wanted to cheat with you? Seriously perhaps no one in your circle discussed it?

It is relevant if his sex drive has changed?!

And yes it’s opinion and of course I didn’t conduct a poll but you are only SW! Wise up

I posted on your other thread OP but the more I've read here the more this sounds like PTSD to me (DH is ex-army and I've seen this exact behaviour in more than a few people). I really wouldn't take to heart the people saying there's definitely someone else - in this particular situation I would say it's in no way a definite - the military aspect brings a whole new dimension that lots of people aren't completely familiar with. Read up on combat PTSD. Agree with previous posters that you should raise it with welfare when there are changes this sudden and extreme following (I assume) an op tour. Is he in a combat role?

OP - you need to stop worrying about him and start planing your life.
See a solicitor, decide where you are going to live.

Look - the two of you met and married young. Very young. And had three children. And both of you are just around 30...
Many people your age are just only settling down after having had a decade of fun and dating.

So - he goes away and comes back wanting to be single. It’s not surprising and a bit of a cliche, sadly.

Maybe being away made him aware that he’s missed out on something.
Maybe he has acted upon that desire, or wanted to.

Point is - you both are still young and can re-start your lives.

Sorry - this isn’t what you wanted, but I don’t think you have a choice.

I really hope you sort it out.
All the people I know who went through this and it turned out to be an affair trusted their DH 100 percent too.