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Original poster

Should I keep in touch with this guy from work (who is taken)?

81 replies

KatDubs261 · 06/04/2018 22:18

Long story short: until 2 months ago I was in a long distance relationship and I am still fairly heartbroken and struggling through it. So needing my friends and family round me right now.

Leaving that aside - when I first met this co worker it was a thunderbolt moment, I remember meeting him so vividly in a way I don't with most people. For a while I really struggled because of the chemistry & having so much in common - he was the first person I felt this way about since meeing my boyfriend 2 years previously (in hindsight it highlighted things going wrong with now ex).

By he has a girlfriend and thinking long and hard about it, I re-directed all my attention back to my boyfriend and was friendly with the co-worker and nothing more. Now, several months later, we have split up. I didn't tell my co worker this.

The other day I told the co-worker I was considering leaving the job, or at the very least, heading back to my home city in the UK to regroup for a few months. He looked sad and said he understood that I wanted to be with my 'boyfriend'. When I told him we were no longer together, he looked a bit too happy for my liking! He then said he understood if I needed to heal for a few months but that he hoped I'd come back after. The truth is, I don't know if I will, but would like to keep in touch with him anyway.

So, I respect his relationship. But I also appreciate and value the frendship that has grown. Would it be wrong of me to ask for his number to keep in touch when I do leave soon? Or should I just leave it altogether?

OP posts:
waxedlyrical · 06/04/2018 22:27

I would leave him your number but then get on with your life and leave the ball totally in his court.

He's the one with a girlfriend, he's the one that needs to sort that out (should he want to) and come after you.

At least if nothing comes of it, you don't wonder 'what if?'.

lizzie1970a · 06/04/2018 22:34

Playing with fire. You don't respect his relationship. How would you like it if a woman at your boyfriend's work (when you had one) fancied your boyfriend and wanted to keep in touch? There's an attraction there why tempt fate, or him? Why do that to another woman. He's not a friend. If you didn't fancy him fine. The onus is on him more than you true but you have some responsibility to another human being here - his girlfriend. If you wouldn't like it happening to you why do it to another woman?

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 06/04/2018 22:40

lizzie, I do respect his relationship and I don't plan to do anything. He is a friend, yes I have an attraction to him, but he's been a good friend to me recently (when I had a bereavement for example, he was there for me). The point is that sometimes its not the right time, and if it ever becomes the right time, there's no way to stay in touch. Lastly I think I could be just a friend to him because I do respect the relationsip.

waxedlyrical, I wonder if you might be right. It's strange because we both have every other colleague's numbers except for each other's. I respect his relationship and think any good/happy relationship should be left to play out on its own. I suppose I can maybe just reiterate that I want everyone to leave me their number and keep in touch...

OP posts:
waxedlyrical · 06/04/2018 22:42

@KatDubs261 if as you say you respect his relationship then I would seriously just pass him your number, say 'it would be good to keep in touch' then move on. Don't contact him first. Forget about it.

No one can say for sure if his relationship will last. He might be kicking himself about missing his chance with you. Or he might not be interested. In this scenario I wouldn't give it much headspace.

lizzie1970a · 06/04/2018 22:56

Fooling yourself. If he's a friend you'd see him out of work and know his GF and she'd be cool with it all.

lizzie1970a · 06/04/2018 23:13

And if it was all innocent and you felt fine about it you wouldn't be posting on here.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 06/04/2018 23:18

waxedlyrical, I think that might be the answer. Just pass him the number and leave the ball in his court!

lizzie, we do sometimes meet alongside other colleagues outside work. I have met her.

OP posts:
lizzie1970a · 06/04/2018 23:23

If it's innocent why not just say let's keep in touch? Because as your opening post says - he's taken and there's something there on your side, that's why. Fooling yourself. Poor woman he's with. The onus is on him but your motives aren't entirely innocent. Don't kid yourself.

Dimael · 06/04/2018 23:36

I have been there.
You spend a lot of time with your colleagues and you grow close to people. It happens. You are vulnerable right now after your break up and maybe not making the best decisions. I don’t blame you for these feelings developing.
If you want to stay in touch ok but how would you feel if another woman was talking to your man. Put yourself in her shoes then think how you would want you to act.

bitzy12 · 06/04/2018 23:39

Imagine if another woman gave your partner her number? Would you like it? No. So don't do it.

ijustdintknowwhattodo · 06/04/2018 23:53

you know he has a partner! Back off.

Hellywelly10 · 06/04/2018 23:59

I want to know why he needs to 'regroup'.

Caucho · 07/04/2018 01:15

Why the poor woman comment about the girlfriend? He seems to have done nothing except be friendly unless I’ve missed something. Seems like the OP is seeing something that isn’t there

Sparkles1992 · 07/04/2018 03:01

My partner works with a lot of ladies our age and I'd be fuming if this happened, if you are already friends you would already have his mob number or be friends on fb? It's even worse that you have met his partner and would still leave your number for him. I think you should leave and forget about him, if he has feelings for you he will pursue them himself and then you'll know and you won't be in the wrong at all.

Cavender · 07/04/2018 03:09

You are kidding yourself.

If you really respected his relationship you would be posting in here about vivid meetings, chemistry and you perception that he’s happy about your relationship breakdown.

Move, do not stay in touch.

Cavender · 07/04/2018 03:10

BTW I’m Fb friends and in touch with several men I used to work with in the U.K. but then I wasn’t mooning over any of them.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 07/04/2018 03:18

I agree, move on, leave them be. If he cheats on her he will likely cheat on you too in the future

TM71 · 07/04/2018 06:50

I am sorry but put yourself in his gf's shoes. How would you feel about some floozy making the moves on your bf just because she is single all of a sudden?

Angelf1sh · 07/04/2018 07:20

If you were “good friends” he’d already have your number or fb etc. The reality is probably closer to you’re work acquaintances who occasionally grab a coffee. It’s clear you want him to have your number in a romantic (for want of a better way to put it) sense because if you didn’t there would be no dilemma here. If you were merely saying “here’s my number, keep in touch” you could just do that without any concern. You don’t respect his relationship, you should admit that to yourself first. Then, as you’re leaving anyway so there’s no risk of prolonged embarrassment if he says no, decide if you want to ask him out. If he genuinely likes you, he might end things with his girlfriend.

Personally, I’d stay out of it. If you need to move home to regroup post-breakup then it sounds like you’re not in a sensible place to be dating yet. Even without the prospect of him being attached.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 07/04/2018 09:00

Ooft - first things first - I am NOT a homewrecker, would not cheat and I''m not a floozy, thanks very much TM71.

I am seeing something that is 'there'. Its fairly obvious and other co workers have noticed.

But, having thought about things, I've decided that I will just ask my co workers to leave their numbers with me OR wait for him to give me his to keep in touch. In the meantime I need to focus on recovering after this awful break up.

OP posts:
Funicorn · 07/04/2018 09:09

The OP has no loyalty or anything else to this guy's GF . It is up to him to decide what if anything he wants to do ie give her his number or not ! Is that how it goes - once you are in a relationship, that's it ? You are stuck ? You have to keep on that same path ? What a load of nonsense. OP hasn't slept with him or anything and yes she may have misread the situation but she owes nothing to this GF.

DairyisClosed · 07/04/2018 09:13

Why would you want a man who looks 'happy' when a woman who is not his girlfriend becomes single. Either this is a case of wishful thinking on your part or he isn't someone you want to get involved with.

Jellybellythatsme · 07/04/2018 09:20

You aren’t good friends, good friends have each other’s numbers. Just leave it alone OP. If he wants to be in touch he WILL get in touch

bitzy12 · 07/04/2018 09:38

So you are seeing something that 'is there'. Firstly he might not. Could all be in your head. Secondly just leave it. He has a gf. Move on with your life. Nothing will come of it and even if I did, you would be classed as a home wrecker. The other woman. Why the hell would you want that? And to cause pain to an innocent woman. Move away and move on. Go no contact. Do the right thing

lizzie1970a · 07/04/2018 13:34

So you know something is there and hope it's strong enough to entice him away from his GF. Nice! (not). You don't respect his relationship. Floozy is sounding the right word.

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