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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I keep in touch with this guy from work (who is taken)?

81 replies

KatDubs261 · 06/04/2018 22:18

Long story short: until 2 months ago I was in a long distance relationship and I am still fairly heartbroken and struggling through it. So needing my friends and family round me right now.

Leaving that aside - when I first met this co worker it was a thunderbolt moment, I remember meeting him so vividly in a way I don't with most people. For a while I really struggled because of the chemistry & having so much in common - he was the first person I felt this way about since meeing my boyfriend 2 years previously (in hindsight it highlighted things going wrong with now ex).

By he has a girlfriend and thinking long and hard about it, I re-directed all my attention back to my boyfriend and was friendly with the co-worker and nothing more. Now, several months later, we have split up. I didn't tell my co worker this.

The other day I told the co-worker I was considering leaving the job, or at the very least, heading back to my home city in the UK to regroup for a few months. He looked sad and said he understood that I wanted to be with my 'boyfriend'. When I told him we were no longer together, he looked a bit too happy for my liking! He then said he understood if I needed to heal for a few months but that he hoped I'd come back after. The truth is, I don't know if I will, but would like to keep in touch with him anyway.

So, I respect his relationship. But I also appreciate and value the frendship that has grown. Would it be wrong of me to ask for his number to keep in touch when I do leave soon? Or should I just leave it altogether?

OP posts:

Newerversion · 07/04/2018 14:16

I think you know the right thing to do.

Paleblue · 07/04/2018 18:31

This happened to me twice! First time the guy dumped his girlfriend then asked for my number once he was single. We ended up having a good relationship for 5 years. The second time didn't work out so well. I gave the guy my number when I knew he was in a relationship. We kept in touch as friends but then he lied to me telling me he had split with his girlfriend and we started dating but it became obvious he had lied.

You would be better to get on with your life. If he likes you, he will ask for your number.

ScreamingValenta · 07/04/2018 18:35

He now knows you are single. He has the option of ending things with his girlfriend and asking you out. If he doesn't do this, you have your answer.

ILoveyou2018 · 07/04/2018 18:40

Leave him and his girlfriend alone!

Beautifulbridie · 07/04/2018 19:08

Great the way this girl is labeled a floozy for just explaining the vibes she feels she is getting. I think she is just being honest about an emotional connection she felt happened. I think you just need to let him decide what to do. If this is meant to be then he will end his relationship and contact you. My only worry would be that you would be at risk of being labeled as the other woman which is not fair so I Wouk leave the contact his side and move on. You are worth more than being in the middle of an existing relationship.

NotTheFordType · 07/04/2018 19:35

Well if you want a totally cynical but practical plan of attack

Announce a leaving do
Make sure everyone has drunk plenty
Tell him you've always felt there is something between you
Shag him
If he's shit in bed then just bid him a fond farewell, if he's decent then start planning how to entice him to leave the GF, or at least give you regular shags

That's how most OW operate, right? (Although substitute "leaving do" with "Xmas do" or "birthday do")

Goatlady5812 · 07/04/2018 19:46

I certainly don’t think ur a floozy!!!! How ridiculous. What I do think is that this happens all the time however I agree with some OPs on here- leave the ball
Firmly in his court. You can do no more now x

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 07/04/2018 19:48

Thank you Beautifulbridie!. God knows what I would be labelled if I had actually made moves on him!

Yes that's exactly it, I feel there is a strong emotional connection and it is not something I have felt often in life. Even compared to some relationships I have had..

The problem is, I have not come out and told him how I feel and will not do so while he is taken. I am not even sure he would ask me out, because I think he puts me on a pedestal a bit. Again, think I will see if he asks for the number and take it from there. If he doesn't, I doubt I will leave it with him.

OP posts:

Beautifulbridie · 07/04/2018 20:07

You might find he has more interest in you than you think, however as he is already in a relationship then that might be the end of that. Also if he left his partner to be with you, it would cross my mind if it would happen again and you are the person he is moving on from.
As I said you are worth much more than that so just be cautious. X

Flymetothemoon18 · 07/04/2018 20:13

Puts you on a pedestal, wow!! You really seem to think a lot of yourself OP, do the bloke and his girlfriend a favour and leave well alone.... I’m pretty sure if he thought that much of you he’d be single and pursuing you by now cause he wouldn’t want to risk losing someone so perfect would he??!!

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 07/04/2018 20:22

Generally when people have affairs and it all ends awfully then the thing that is said is “we just couldn’t resist, our feelings were too strong, etc etc”

But in order to get to the point where you are “unable to resist” people first take a series of fairly innocent steps where they get more and more emotionally connected until stopping things becomes painful and difficult.

Giving this guy your number is one of those innocent steps. It will be fair less painful to walk away now than it will be in a few months of talking and getting closer and closer.

(Speaking from experience here - I took a number of innocent steps before I realised that I was in a situation where my emotions were completely inappropriate. Extracting myself was painful, upsetting and had long term repercussions as I had to cut not just him but a number of mutual friends out of my life to ensure that there was no risk of being sucked back in - because a big part of me really really wanted to get sucked back in.)

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 07/04/2018 20:45

I didn't say that I thought a lot of myself Flymetothemoon, I said he did. I know this because of things he has blatantly said.

Beautifulbridie, I agree and that is why I would just leave him the number and the ball in his court. For all I know his relationship is going well and I wouldn't want to interfere with that. Maybe the timing would be better down the line, maybe not. But I guess without the exchange of numbers it removes the future possibility altogether.

OP posts:

ILoveyou2018 · 07/04/2018 20:52

Don’t give him your number. He’s got a girlfriend. If he liked you he would leave his girlfriend and ask you out. Get over yourself and leave him alone. Give your number to someone who doesn’t have a relationship ffs

Givenup43 · 07/04/2018 21:49

You don't respect their relationship at all..

Even thinking of trying to keep in contact and build more than friendship is disgusting.

Both him and you are being disrespectful and liars.

bitzy12 · 07/04/2018 22:02

Bloody hell op sorry but you are awful. So what if he gives you his number and he's still with his gf? What then? We all know what would happen. You clearly have no respect for the relationship he's in. It doesn't matter what any of us say, you will do whatever is right for you and f**k anyone else's feelings. Me for one, if someone was in a relationship when I was single, they were well and truly off limits. You just do what you want, just try not hurt too many in the process

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 07/04/2018 22:24

What happens is that he can then look me up in the future if he becomes single.

OP posts:

ferrier · 07/04/2018 22:30

She's not his wife or the mother of his children.
Until then he's pretty much free to break off an existing relationship without censure.

Flymetothemoon18 · 07/04/2018 22:47

I’d say you are being blatantly disgraceful! I’m rarely shocked but I think your intentions are shocking OP. It says a lot about the person you obviously are when you keep responding with justifications about your intentions. Look in the mirror and be a better woman for the sake of all the girlfriends in this world whose toes you’d obviously be happy to step on to get what you want! Let go of your ego, you can’t be as special as your allowing yourself to believe because he’s still with his girlfriend and not chasing you.

coffeeX10 · 07/04/2018 22:51

It’s pretty easy in this day and age to find someone’s number out, even if you don’t have Facebook or social media, as you’ve said your other colleagues have your number so he can always ask them for it if he ever wants it.

I agree with @screamingvalenta because this did actually happen to my friend, she worked in the same office as a guy, he found out she was single so he broke up with his LD GF and started getting to know her and forming a friendship, eventually they started dating and now they’re 3y down the line and getting married next year. There was no overlap with them and it was all done respectfully.

Mmdck · 07/04/2018 23:00

Fly couldn’t agree more with you! OP you are bloody shameful. You respect his relationship? Bullshit. If you did, you wouldn’t be considering keeping in touch with him and you wouldn’t be on MN attempting to get justification for your vile behaviour. No one in a relationship is fair game- married/with kids or not (not sure what goes through some people’s heads when they post that kind of shite). If he was interested in you/wanted a relationship, he’d call off his current relationship and be with you. All he wants from you most likely, is a bit of flirty fun at the office. That’s all you are to him because you come across as a woman with very loose morals. Aim higher in life and you might actually find a single man interested in you, rather than one that just wants to use you as a bit of fun whilst already taken.

Original poster

KatDubs261 · 07/04/2018 23:27

coffeeX10, that is very true. I think it will work out the way it is meant to.

As for the people that have called me 'vile', a woman with 'loose morals' or what have you - I am nothing of the sort, I have never went after someones man and never will. And I think you should be ashamed of yourselves for being nasty keyboard warriors on the internet just because you can. I am not going to be anyones OW or whatever else.

I have NO intention of flirting/amping up contact WHILE HE IS TAKEN.

OP posts:

Beautifulbridie · 08/04/2018 00:36

I think it is interesting just how judgemental some people have been towards you only. No one has the right to assume your intentions at all and you are not the names you are calling you. You should not be attacked for asking about this situation.

crimsonlake · 08/04/2018 00:40

If he has a girlfriend then show in your actions rather than words that you have respect for this and leave him alone. Move on.

YaBasic · 08/04/2018 00:53

I would completely do what NottheFordtype suggests
not because of all the pearl-clutchers on this thread, oh no

DamsonOnThisDress · 08/04/2018 00:57

Up to you what you do but if a man in a relationship put me on a pedestal and other colleagues could see there was 'something' there that would make me all the more determined to give him a wide berth.

Anything else would feel like encouragement and given his non-single status I wouldn't feel right about that. Off limits and one to avoid.

To me this is one of those stories that should simply amount to "Liked a guy but he had a girlfriend and then I left..."

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