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Original poster

Should I keep in touch with this guy from work (who is taken)?

81 replies

KatDubs261 · 06/04/2018 22:18

Long story short: until 2 months ago I was in a long distance relationship and I am still fairly heartbroken and struggling through it. So needing my friends and family round me right now.

Leaving that aside - when I first met this co worker it was a thunderbolt moment, I remember meeting him so vividly in a way I don't with most people. For a while I really struggled because of the chemistry & having so much in common - he was the first person I felt this way about since meeing my boyfriend 2 years previously (in hindsight it highlighted things going wrong with now ex).

By he has a girlfriend and thinking long and hard about it, I re-directed all my attention back to my boyfriend and was friendly with the co-worker and nothing more. Now, several months later, we have split up. I didn't tell my co worker this.

The other day I told the co-worker I was considering leaving the job, or at the very least, heading back to my home city in the UK to regroup for a few months. He looked sad and said he understood that I wanted to be with my 'boyfriend'. When I told him we were no longer together, he looked a bit too happy for my liking! He then said he understood if I needed to heal for a few months but that he hoped I'd come back after. The truth is, I don't know if I will, but would like to keep in touch with him anyway.

So, I respect his relationship. But I also appreciate and value the frendship that has grown. Would it be wrong of me to ask for his number to keep in touch when I do leave soon? Or should I just leave it altogether?

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 08/04/2018 01:47

I think he puts me on a pedestal a bit But not enough to end his relationship with his girlfriend ready for when you're feeling ready to date again?

What happens is that he can then look me up in the future if he becomes single And is he aware that you don't want to hear from him unless he's single? Or will you break that to him if he gets in touch while he still has a girlfriend?

OP, you may believe that you have the best of intentions but you're playing with fire here.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 08/04/2018 02:35

Mmdck has it.
All he wants from you most likely, is a bit of flirty fun at the office.

He is playing you for office entertainment. It is lip service, an insincere act to stroke his own ego for manipulating you. Others have noticed because he likes an audience. You are likely the subject of office tittle-tattle even now, given your reactions to his superficial flirting. And you are there taking him seriously...well, as soon as you recover from your swoon, you will find that the embarrassment is all yours.

Why would you jeopardize your paycheck in looking for relationships at work? Yes, there are a few success stories out there, but when things don’t work out it is usually the woman whose job/promotion prospects take the hit. Don’t risk your financial security for a fuck. That is respecting yourself, and you don’t have to give a damn if anyone you work with is in a relationship or not.

bitzy12 · 08/04/2018 08:21

So what would you do if say somehow you did swap numbers? And he's still taken but you begin messaging and it became quite flirty? Is that overstepping the mark for you?

McButtonwillow · 08/04/2018 08:34

You may have no intention of flirting while he is taken but with your multiple references re him being able to contact you in future when his relationship ends and by actively giving him your number you certainly are encouraging the failure of that relationship. Are you hoping to entice him away op? That’s how it sounds.....

Hesburger · 08/04/2018 08:42

Wow - OP I think you're getting a hard time here. You obviously have no intention of breaking them up.

Strangely something similar happened to me. We had swapped numbers as we needed to for work. I left the job. Always thought him nice but as he had a gf didn't entertain the thought of anything.

3 months later I got a call out of the blue and we started hanging out. I read it all wrong though - thinking he wanted to be friends as he was just out of a relationship but one of my friends made a move on him. It all got a bit complicated...

There's nothing wrong with leaving your number behind. I take it you aren't on any social media that he can contact you on should he want to?

RedMugMadeLocally · 08/04/2018 14:25

Why a number - that seems intens Why not Facebook or something visable to everyone?

rainbowduck · 08/04/2018 19:20

I would maintain contact over Facebook or Instagram. I wouldn't give him my number

airedailleurs · 09/04/2018 19:27

Linkedin is your friend 😉

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 11/04/2018 18:31

The number is for whatsapp which is how most people communicate where I am living right now. But Facebook is viable too.

This week has been hard because out of the blue he asked if I am considering leaving (he must have read my mind!) and I said that I was considering leaving both the job and this current city, but hadn't made my mind up. I hoped he would leave it there, but he brought it up again today, asking why I wanted to leave and 'do you feel like this isn't where you belong?'. Ugh I could do without the deep conversation honestly.

He then started listing reasons why I should stay and when I insisted 'I really need to think about it over the next month or two' my colleague backed me up and he finally dropped it. I am going to find it extremely hard to leave if that is what I decide, but what am I going to do? Hang around and continue to struggle with feelings for a guy with a girlfriend?

OP posts:
bitzy12 · 11/04/2018 19:26

Leave. Do the right thing for everyone. No good can come of any sort of relationship with this man. Your intentions for him are not there as a friend - it goes way more than that. Might be hard but you will be doing the right thing by leaving. For yourself, him and his gf.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 11/04/2018 19:51

On the other hand, I do a good job, I love what I do and get along well with my co workers. It seems stupid to give those things up over a crush, but I think I may have to.

OP posts:
Katchit · 11/04/2018 20:02

What we need for these ever increasing threads is a Picture Story. Like in our teens. With Callouts. Star Star Star Star Star

It is a bit like a Parking Thread. But with a Picture rather than a Diagram.

We would all love that, wouldn't we.

AnyFucker · 11/04/2018 20:12

You both sound like the worst kind of disingenuous snake

The kind that say "it just happened" when a penis falls into a vagina by accident

You know the type, right ?

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 11/04/2018 20:37

Yes, I know the type. My ex was the type of 'disingenuous snake' you are talking about.

But that's not me! Anyway - I think maybe I just need to leave, put the whole thing behind me and move on. The fact he has been piling on the pressure about why I should stay suggests to me that he is also more invested than he should be (no other co worker is doing this).

No matter what some of you think, I didn't want to develop feelings. Saying goodbye and moving on is going to be hard.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/04/2018 20:41

Why keep having these "conversations" with him ?

Drama drama drama

You are not star crossed lovers. He is in a relationship and you are mooning over a bloke that isn't available

Sort yourself out. You know how it feels to be on the receiving end of this kind of shit, so you say

DamsonOnThisDress · 11/04/2018 21:00

I didn't realise you were leaving because of your feelings for him. That is intense. Too intense.

I'm sure you could get over a crush if you really tried but carrying on these conversations, reading into every little interaction and wondering if you should keep contact is not the way to go about it.

How about distancing yourself completely. Nip these little conversations in the bud. Make him off limits. Distract yourself. Leave it alone completely.

I would try all those things before giving up a job I loved and moving towns!

I don't think you've tried. I think you're hoping, hankering and pining. For someone who is either not interested or is interested but is untrustworthy and a bit of a sleaze. Not really worth disrupting your life for.

It's a crush, let it go. Maybe look at why you're SO hung up on someone who doesn't sound that much of a catch?

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 11/04/2018 21:59

It's a small office and not easy to escape the conversations. To try and avoid talking to him a lot, I've started bringing in books to read during the break. But even when I try to redirect my attention back to reading, like today -> 'So do you really think you'll leave? Surely not, bla bla bla...'

I am less than 2 months out of a bad break up. So I think that's part of it. However meeting this guy did highlight some of the things that were missing in my previous relationship. I am 'hung up', as you say, 1) because I honestly don't click with guys on this level often at all...but it doesn't matter as he's taken 2) it probably is related to him showing me loads of attention after my break up.

Leaving the job because of the feelings potentially, not the town! That is a separate issue.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/04/2018 22:54

I think you should get a new job. One where the employees actually do some work instead of playing out teenage dramaz all the livelong day

I barely get time to pee at work.

Flymetothemoon18 · 11/04/2018 23:47

Well OP it’s been 5 days since your original post and it doesn’t sound like he’s dumped his girlfriend and swept you off your feet yet. Stop fishing for attention, why would you be thinking about giving him a number now when you have no intentions to go anywhere for a couple of months yet?? It’s drama, stop using the bloke to make yourself feel better about the shit you’ve had go on. The fact you would even contemplate giving your number to a guy who’s taken even though your ex was a snake and you apparently know what it feels like tells everyone what a joke this is really. Leave the job, leave the city, go speed dating and meet single people rather than chasing a crush with a committed girlfriend!

DamsonOnThisDress · 12/04/2018 00:03

Ah grand, I wasn't sure if the move was down to him.

You're only 2 months out of a break up - that's such a short time. Give yourself time - much more time - to get over that.

Break ups are so hard I get why his attention would make you feel good but I honestly don't think he's a good idea. You're vulnerable right now.

He's either unavailable and not interested, leading you on for a bit of fun or is making himself available to you which, given he has a GF, makes him a pretty despicable person. A decent person wouldn't screw people about like that (you and her).

Either way I don't see him bringing you anything but more heartache which you don't need after everything you've been through.

Put yourself first and do what you have to do to get strong and happy on your own again. You'll find someone else you have that connection with who has no baggage when you're in a better place to meet him.

This guy sounds like settling - there's better for you out there. Give yourself time. Look after yourself. Smile

Simulcrum · 15/04/2018 00:20

I think that you have been treated a little unfairly in some of the posts. That said I do think that DamsonOnThisDress has given good advice about creating some distance. I don't think it necessary to read a book as an excuse for not talking to him, simply streer the conversation away from these personal topics. I suspect that we have all had practice in doing this with men that we just don't have feelings for! Giving yourself this space will give the opportunity to make considered decisions.

Caucho · 15/04/2018 00:58

Well nobody can be certain without being there but considering you’ve said you’re leaving and he hasn’t even asked for any contact details it might be he’s not interested. I’ve had flirty interactions with colleagues before which simply make the day go faster and are just good natured (won’t say banter as it seems to be banned here). However there’s nothing in there and just a bit of fun. If either of us left we wouldn’t stay in touch except for work reasons irrelevant. We might be work friends but not are not real friends if you see what I mean

Caucho · 15/04/2018 01:07

It would also seem incestious if anything to happen. There’s usually a short window and then you get in the friend zone and you both lose interest and continue to get on but feel yucky about anything sexual like a sibling type relationship

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 15/04/2018 18:43

Thanks for your responses. As I am less than 2 months out of the break up of a serious relationship, I need to focus on that. I am definitely grieving and missing my ex a lot.

RE the co worker my gut feeling and personal read is: he likes me, is attracted to me, would potentially date me if single. But he is a in a long term relationship, that is boiling along quite nicely I presume. Lastly, I have given him no real or solid indication that I am seriously interested in him. I have not done this because it would be disrespectful. He may well ask for my details when I leave, as so far he is still trying to convince me to stay. If he does not ask to keep in touch when I go, then I'll have my answer. But I think he will.

I am trying to look to the future and get through the pain I am in in the middle of right now.

OP posts:
phoenix1973 · 15/04/2018 18:45

No.