Dates dodgy past.

[frankenburger]

I've been on a second date with a smiley, intelligent and cute guy. He's really fun and easy to talk to.
However, when he was 25 (36 now) he had an unplanned child with a partner. It didn't work out and shortly after he was offered his dream job abroad. So he left. He was ashamed when he told me and has moved back closer now but... would you judge against him for this?

So is he now paying child support etc? Or is he just ashamed and doing nothing?

Good question. I will ask him this. When he told me I sensed the shame part came from moving away. His justification was his own immaturity.

No, I wouldn't. He was 25, he had not planned a child or a future with this woman.

I defend the right of women to have complete autonomy over their own body. I defend the right for women to choose whether they get pregnant, stay pregnant, give birth or choose to terminate. It is for women, and individual women only to decide if they want a child. The circumstances under which the choose, or the conditions of their own lives may factor into these decisions, but ultimately we as women rightly get to choose. Men, not so much.

I see your point. Although I don't know enough about the situation I know that if I had fallen pregnant with any of my exes that I would have chosen to keep the baby regardless of the circumstances.

Words are easy. Ashamed and doing the right thing albeit belatedly is a different proposition to "ashamed" and doing nowt.

Very true. So finding out the extent of what he is doing now for his child should be the dealbreaker?

How old was his kid when he moved away?

I agree with Mini.

Ruddy - from my own calculations the child was one/Two

Moving abroad for his dream job I would say was ok as long as he kept in contact, still paid maintenance and still made the effort to visit (basically didn't just disappear from his child's life). How old was the child when he left and how long was he away for?

MiniTheMinx, I disagree. Once you have a child you need to take responsibility for it.
Ultimately it is the woman's decision, but they presumably didn't take precautions to prevent pregnancy and they both played a part in this unless he was deceived. Unprotected sex leads to pregnancy and all men know this.
It's not as simple as the man saying " you have the option of abortion, so I'm not held accountable".

Ugh. He walked away from a toddler.

My opinion of him would be through the floor tbh.

OP, this isn't a decision for online onlookers to make.

And at 25, he's old enough to be responsible. He wasn't 16.

I don't know about the maintenance part but I know he visited as he said it was easier to visit his son from Malta than France ( his job took him to lots of different countries). He had been gone for a decade.

Yeah I see your point Footle. I guess I am in two minds about it. But I realise I need to know more.

Damn right I'd judge. Whether or not the baby was planned, it sounds as if he stayed involved with his then partner, and the baby, for a while before leaving. It wasn't that he said, when the pregnancy first happened, that he didn't want a child, and was not prepared to be involved in the child's life -- which was obviously something he was within his rights to do. In effect, it sounds as if he abandoned his child.

Did he even stay involved in the child's life to the extent that he could, even from abroad, pay child support etc?

I get what previous posters have said and know myself how an unplanned pregnancy can affect your life.
If I found myself in this situation and it wasn't planned I would say I'm keeping this baby, its my decision and I need you to respect that. On the other hand I completely understand and respect if it is your decision to have no involvement because you want a different outcome.
It sounds like this man decided to stick around and give it a go but when the going got tough and he got a better offer he chose to up sticks and put his own wants first.
If after leaving, but already making the decision to play a part in his child's life, he maintained a relationship and continued financial support then I wouldn't judge him at all.
If however he just uped and left leaving his exp with full responsibility then I wouldn't be interested.
We all make mistakes I get that and we should all have a choice about becoming parents. But IME anyone that walks out and relinquishes their responsibility of parenting is not a nice person and not someone I would want a relationship with.

But yes to what Footle said. It would be a dealbreaker for me, but I am not you.

Hmm, how anyone could walk away from a young child like that would alter my opinion of them, yes. If his ex was in agreement and he stayed in regular contact with his child then that would prove him to be responsible, if however he just dumped and left with very little support and contact then I would consider him a irresponsible twat.
The problem is you only have his side of the story and he is hardly going to tell you the absolute truth if he did basically just bale on them.

So I need to have a frank discussion with him. Say that I think he seems like a really cool guy but I need to know: did he financially support his child? Did he make regular contact with his son?

If you're ever thinking of having children then you should end it. He has no integrity if he's walked away from his child.

Wow Shox!

Do you have kids, op?

Shox has a point though, raising kids - especially the early years - is bloody hard work and if he basically left dumping all responsibility on his ex I could not look at him with much respect.
By all means have a chat but maybe just keep things casual and see how things go.

Yes men do know that unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy. I agree. One should take responsibility when they have made an error of judgement. I agree totally. However men rightly do not get an equal say in whether a woman chooses to abort or have a baby. The same can be said for women who 'accidentally' find themselves pregnant. They should have taken precautions to ensure this didn't happen. At the point at which the risk is taken both parties are equal. At the point at which any decision is taken they are not. I believe that if a woman chooses to continue her pregnancy, she takes responsibility. With autonomy and freedom comes responsibility. In all other matters few would disagree with this statement!