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Original poster

Dates dodgy past.

66 replies

frankenburger · 06/04/2018 08:28

I've been on a second date with a smiley, intelligent and cute guy. He's really fun and easy to talk to.
However, when he was 25 (36 now) he had an unplanned child with a partner. It didn't work out and shortly after he was offered his dream job abroad. So he left. He was ashamed when he told me and has moved back closer now but... would you judge against him for this?

OP posts:
Dozer · 06/04/2018 09:51

It’d be a deal breaker for me, even if he’d been a teen father which he wasn’t. Even if he paid full maintenance from the start - which seems unlikely - he walked away from any relationship with his DC. Despicable.

What contact does he have now?

Dozer · 06/04/2018 09:52

Luckily the law disagrees with mini.

category12 · 06/04/2018 09:53

He stuck around until the child was a toddler so the unplanned nature of the pregnancy is a complete red herring. He was in a relationship, they had a child.

He walked away from that child. If his conduct has been to keep in contact, to pay child support, to be there as much as he could then it's not so bad. But if he just bogged off, then I'd have no respect for him.

Mintychoc1 · 06/04/2018 09:53

For me, the financial issue would be less compelling. Yes of course it would be reprehensible to father a child and then not pay adequate child support, and I would judge them for that. But the thing that would bother me the most was that someone could walk away from a toddler that they had presumably bonded with. That would show real emotional deficiencies to me.

something2say · 06/04/2018 10:01

He did stay in contact and visited if I recall from what she said?

I'd not necessarily stop it with him. The thing for me is, he is embarrassed and ashamed. He knows how big this is and he's told her about it. He may cringe at what he has done and regret it for the rest of his life. If he felt this way, I would be by his side. If he did not, if he showed no understanding of what he did and feels no humility in the face of his actions, that I'd have a problem with.

MiniTheMinx · 06/04/2018 10:08

Dozer, yes luckily the law disagrees with me! Of course women don't have true economic (and therefore social) equality with men. We therefore require individual men to take responsibility. If however motherhood and childrearing had the same social equality as paid labour, and therefore the same economic equality then......all would be well 8n the world.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 06/04/2018 10:12

He said it was 'easier' to visit from Malta but not from France so I am guessing contact has been sporadic over 10 years.
To me it sounds like he dipped in and out of his sons life when he wanted which is selfish to say the least.

MiniTheMinx · 06/04/2018 10:16

For the record, no I wouldn't judge someone on past mistakes, I would judge them on how they sought to put right and how their thinking sought to reconcile their behaviour. We all make mistakes, we all act in questionable ways, others rightly judge, however we all seek to have acceptance, and mostly reflect and put right any wrongdoing.

Just because the law happens to neatly fit with popular opinion doesn't mean that the law and popular opinion are right. In this case, women are assumed not to be equal apriori on account of economic inequalities coupled with their biology. That should be challenged.

category12 · 06/04/2018 10:17

He may cringe at what he has done and regret it for the rest of his life. If he felt this way, I would be by his side. Being ashamed/regretful wouldn't enough, if he isn't making amends already. (If he needed my prodding to do the right thing, that wouldn't be good enough either) .

dirtybadger · 06/04/2018 10:21

He was gone for ten years? I was mulling over this thinking he might have been gone for a year or so before he realised it wasnt the right decision. But if he was gone for ten years then he came back because it suited him. Nothing to do with his DC.

Its up to you whether you think that's alright or not, but I dont buy being "ashamed". He did it for ten years...

If you want kids then it's a no brainer.

MinorRSole · 06/04/2018 10:24

I agree entirely with @dirtybadger. After 10 years it wasn't guilt that brought him back but something else, prattling on about how bad he feels suits his narrative but is essentially bullshit.

It would be a deal breaker to me, I couldn't respect someone who abandoned their child.

Dozer · 06/04/2018 10:38

Feeling and expressing shame is just words. His actions have been lacking for over a decade.

It’s like absent fathers who talk to friends and new gfs about how much they love their DC whilst not actually parenting or paying for their DC.

BeyondDespair · 06/04/2018 11:00

There’s a simple solution here. Speak to his ex partner and get her side of the story. I expect he’s expressing shame as no other reaction would be deemed suitable. If he was away for 10 years in total wouldn’t he have felt shame at some stage during that time and moved back?

Andre1500 · 06/04/2018 11:18

As ever in these situations it's a strong possibility that the pregnancy wasn't as "unplanned" as he might think, and was an attempt to pin him down into a relationship. In this scenario he's certainly not obligated to sacrifice 18 years of his life due to being tricked.

SickofThomasTheTank · 06/04/2018 11:26

My ex was in our child's life for a year then as soon as she became more of a handful and he found another girl (refuse to call her a woman for many reasons), he was GONE!
This was 2 years ago and has barely paid a penny! Yet tells her and everyone else that I stopped him seeing her (FALSE! I practically begged him to take responsibility - I know, I know!) and tells her that he pays maintenance and even called CMS in front of her and set up a standing order to them (which he then cancelled next day).

Beware of lies!

At the end of the day, if he truly loved his child, he would not be able to bare the thought of being away from him/her for any length of time! HE helped create that child, planned or not! He lost the freedom to move away. Yet he did anyway???? Selfish ba*%^#d!

category12 · 06/04/2018 11:26

Nobody, not one person, has suggested he should have stayed in the relationship. Hmm Fucks sake.

SickofThomasTheTank · 06/04/2018 11:28

I failed to mention we were still in a relationship for that first year! He cheated with his new girlfriend then when I found out he was gone! Never been back

SickofThomasTheTank · 06/04/2018 11:29

My daughter still misses him and cries for him, two years later. She has become a hater of men too, despite my best efforts :'( But I digress....

MinorRSole · 06/04/2018 11:37

As ever in these situations it's a strong possibility that the pregnancy wasn't as "unplanned" as he might think, and was an attempt to pin him down into a relationship. In this scenario he's certainly not obligated to sacrifice 18 years of his life due to being tricked.

To be a strong possibility it would have to be statistically more likely. That would mean that a significant percentage of pregnancies occur because a woman has somehow tricked a man into unprotected sex. Of course this does happen but is it a statistically large number?

Based on the op it is quite a leap to describe it as a strong possibility. Not such a leap to assume the man is a feckless idiot who fucked off and abandoned his child for 10 years.

Try not to twist yourself in knots to make sure it ends up the woman's fault!

Andre1500 · 06/04/2018 11:42

Try not to twist yourself in knots to make sure it ends up the woman's fault!

I suppose it's confusing to imagine a scenario where a woman has done something wrong on a forum where blaming the man in all circumstances is the standard. The point is that there is not enough information given to draw conclusions.

category12 · 06/04/2018 11:47

The unplanned pregnancy is a red herring.

Actual small child right there, existing. Father walked away. You can walk away from a relationship, you don't have to walk away from the child.

MinorRSole · 06/04/2018 11:47

I've been a member, not always active, of mn for a really really long time. I have 2 beautiful sons and a husband I'm really rather fond of. I do not agree that it is standard on here to blame the man in all circumstances and I certainly don't do that myself.

What I do know is we have a thread where a man abandoned his child for 10 years and you automatically jump to 'he was tricked' and then try and claim mn gender bias whilst clearly overlooking your own.

Andre1500 · 06/04/2018 11:52

So if a woman unilaterally decides to bring a child into the world by tricking a man into fatherhood he has to give up on his hopes and dreams? While presumably she suffers no consequences at all? Bollocks to that.

MinorRSole · 06/04/2018 11:55

Oh fgs @Andre1500 nobody has said anything like that. This thread is not the place for your agenda so I won't bother replying to you again

usercantsleep · 06/04/2018 11:55

If you've only been on 2 dates with the guy how can you trust his answers to your questions......?!
Quite frankly it's not any of your business.....he doesn't owe you anything!

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