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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to seduce an uptight Englishman - desperate for advice please

91 replies

helenaxxx · 04/04/2018 21:14

I really want to know, how to initiate romance with a shy Englishman. I’m dating a really great man, I adore him but we seen to be stuck in friends zone. He’s friendly and confident, but romantically very shy, so whilst being the perfect and kindest English gentleman he hasn’t ever done anything to suggest he’d like something more. He sends lovely texts and initiates dates, but they are always a walk, lunch or cinema ended with a kiss on the cheek. Not a single compliment on my appearance or even a touch on the arm.
Been on so many dates and now and I’ve started to get emotionally involved and feeling pretty desperate just for hug. I’m not asking for a night of passion, would just love to hold hands.
The situation feels strange to me, but then I’ve never dated an English man, I’m used to very direct and pushy foreign men who have always made the moves. I realise I’m also shy and rubbish at making the moves. But I’ve got to muster up the courage and do it gracefully.
I know some of you ladies out there know how to make the moves on a slightly uptight Englishman. I’d really love some advice.
Or are you a shy Englishman, what should I do?

How does a woman tell a man she likes him in a no pressure charming way?
How does a woman gracefully initiate that first physical contact?
Help !!
There’s been no physical imtimacy and also no intimate chit chat, eg about us getting together, how we are feeling or past relationships etc. I need to initiate this somehow and I want to tell him how much I like him, that I’d like to be more than friends, if he did too, no pressure etc, but it’s like crossing a line. It just feels like it would be impolite. I always wimp out, never find the right moment to even hint at this. I don’t even know if he’s ever had a girlfriend. Though conversation flows freely and he just feels really kind to me.
He won’t invite me out to dinner. Is this a sign he’s not ready to jump into romance? Or could it be he’s just unconfident.

I was thinking I need to orchestrate cooking for him at his house, that way he wouldn’t be driving. I’m an excellent cook and I suspect he has a real weakness for yummy home cooked food, then we could share a bottle of wine, which might give me some Dutch courage to just take the lead and open up a bit and see if he then reciprocates.
Next date will be a brief one, just coffee this weekend as it’s rainy and he has visitors.

OP posts:

LiteraryDevil · 05/04/2018 06:57

Too much like hard work.

Helmetbymidnight · 05/04/2018 07:11

While I've dated plenty of shy English men, I haven't dated a shy Englishman in his 50s. Age can affect confidence/esteem. It might be that he's had a few knock backs sexually or something.
I'd just go for it- with alcohol...

ListeningtoBowie · 05/04/2018 07:25

He sounds lovely. Make that move and update us OP. I personally think it's a good sign you are such good friends. He must be interested.

MimiLeBonk · 05/04/2018 07:33

Sounds like my husband, he was a cautious, shy person but a gentleman. Sometimes biting the bullet and initiating things gives the green light to this kind of man I think.

Original poster

helenaxxx · 05/04/2018 08:31

He’s just sent me a sweet good morning text and asked me out to the theatre .... I was telling him how great the local theatre is last time we met. So that’s great, I will suggest a pre theatre meal. So looking good. I’ll report back straight after the date, in the next few days. This has helped me, feeling resolved to have the conversation. Thank you all.

Yes, he’s the best man I’ve ever been out with. He’s the real deal. I admire him and have lots to talk to him about.

OP posts:

Tungsten39 · 05/04/2018 08:58

He sounds very much like myself. I have a habit of second guessing a situation when it comes to pursuing a relationship. Are the signals actually there, or am I reading too much into a throwaway comment. I've been guilty in the past of ruining friendships with women because of this. In today's climate it has become a bit of a minefield to determine what is and is not now acceptably when it comes to dating for men. Are we allowed to aggressively pursue a woman? If I caress her arm will it be appropriate/appreciated. Will I be seen as a sexual predator. If he was quite reserved like myself before the hashtag metoo movement, he will be even more so now.

shockthemonkey · 05/04/2018 09:45

Helena, another one here who eventually married somebody who started out just like your man.
I thought we'd never get past the 'friend' part, but looking back it was largely me unknowingly giving out the wrong signals.
You seem to have all the ingredients for a good relationship bar the final step. Best of luck for theatre night!

HDHDHD · 05/04/2018 10:23

@Tungsten39 Damn those women for speaking out and making life more difficult for men eh?

MrsTylerJoseph · 05/04/2018 10:27

What’s his relationship history? If he’s 52 and never had a LTR I’d probably run a mile.

LiteraryDevil · 05/04/2018 10:41

Hopefully he'll not find out you described him as "uptight" on a public forum It sounds like you're going to have to do all the work in this relationship. He only seems to ask you to do something once you've suggested it. Does he not have any ideas of his own?

perroy · 05/04/2018 11:07

If he only seems to ask you to do something once it is suggested.

kiss him.

thisishard2 · 05/04/2018 11:07

Just getting (traumatically) divorced from someone who has shown me no affection for years - though that isn't the only reason.

I wish you all the best OP, but don't settle for a non-intimate relationship.

Not the point, but are all relationships just hard work ? I may now be single forever, but I think that H has already met someone else .

BOO32 · 05/04/2018 11:41

My man was very reserved until we got together, he is now very affectionate and not hard work.

sadie9 · 05/04/2018 11:54

It sounds like hard work. You've been 'dating' from an online dating site for 2 months and you don't know if he's ever had a girlfriend! Isn't that a bit odd? Did you not ask each other why you were both on an internet dating site, and were you ever in a relationship before?
The conversation flows you say, but also the conversation has avoided all intimate topics as well.
Usually if there is a spark between people they can't help sharing intimate stuff quite quickly, because it feels safe to do so. It sounds like you can't really be your genuine self on the dates. This relationship already has barriers that have persisted for 2 months.
What does he do for a job? Has he any family near by?

AornisHades · 05/04/2018 12:04

DH and I could have ended up just meeting for a quiet drink several times had I not got a couple of drinks in me and asked if I could have a kiss. He was so used to being the nice guy who women talked to but didn't date that it was a bit of a shock to him that someone wanted to rip his clothes off

Caroline680 · 05/04/2018 12:57

Bin him off OP
He sounds like a PAIN IN THE ARSE

and if he asks why tell him

Original poster

helenaxxx · 05/04/2018 13:08

we dont link arms.
I think I'm guilty of giving off the friends vibe as I was recently out of another relationship that had the most amazing chemistry but he turned out not to be a good friend to me. So at the time I was worried about the chemistry getting out of control, like it had before. Also I was still a bit hurt from that and just not feeling like jumping into a relationship. So maybe I set the tone.

And he happens to be that well-manered type, very gentlemanly, very respectful. Not skilled in the art of seduction, not a player, no Romeo.

So I think it's going to be up to me to try to turn things around. There is a barrier there, it's the barrier that's there between friends, that you need to cross get to the romance.

OP posts:

Caroline680 · 05/04/2018 13:09

( or he just doesn't fancy you)

halfwitpicker · 05/04/2018 13:13

Put your hand on his thigh.

You don't really need to do much more in my experience.

halfwitpicker · 05/04/2018 13:14

Sounds like there's some cultural differences going on, where are you from op?

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/04/2018 13:14

Sorry Orlando, it's just that I've found myself with a man who is such a 'gentleman' that he regards holding hands as unneccesarily demonstrative and kisses me once every time I see him - as he leaves.

Anything else would, apparently, be 'extreme'. he's gentlemanly but ASD and physical contact is reserved strictly for sex.

PenCobSwan · 05/04/2018 13:46

I dated a guy like that once. He was nice, kind, generous. Cooked me a meal if he had invited me round for the evening. Was happy to make arrangements to go out. He was chatty and friendly. We had met via a dating agency.

However, there was next to no physical contact. One evening after dinner which he had cooked at his flat, I started touching him gently. You know, first move stuff. I started by kissing his ear and after a while I moved onto stroking his chest through his shirt. My head was then on his chest as I stroked his tummy. I could feel his heart pounding because he was aroused.

Almost in desperation I asked him, 'do you like this ? ' Yeah, he replied, followed by silence. However, that didn't mean he started touching me. I felt I was labouring the situation. Time passed, neither of us said anything. We both got ready for bed as it was agreed I was staying the night.

He pretty much got into his pyjamas, buttoned up to the neck, rolled over and went to sleep.

Oh, there was a tentative touching of my body once we were in bed. As if to say, 'you are there, aren't you ?' It wasn't done sensually or with any meaning. There was no explanation as to why he sat on the sofa determined not to respond to me.

I just lay there. He withdrew his hand and we both just went to sleep. It was then I decided that, for whatever reason, he's just not that in to me.

I heard on the grapevine that he did meet someone and get married. However, they live their lives quite modestly !

Some you win, some you lose.

Original poster

helenaxxx · 05/04/2018 13:57

Oh Pen that sounds really tough. That’s the problem with being friends first, you can waste a lot of time on an asexual person.

OP posts:

YokoHama · 05/04/2018 14:13

Pen - You were so brave! I’d have grabbed my things and left that same night. The picture of him buttoning up his pyjamas to the neck did make me laugh though.

MiniTheMinx · 05/04/2018 14:19

You met each other on a 'date' so it's safe to assume you are dating.

Shy men are not my type but if you really must pursue this then you need to flirt. And failing that be really direct, but be non aggressive at the same time.

Why didn't you put your hand on his leg at the cinema. Why don't you grab his hand to cross the road and just keep hold of it. Why don't you stop walking, turn to face him, leaving little distance, look straight into his eyes and say "I like you, a lot" or just surprise him by saying "I want to kiss you"

What I wouldn't do (I am a lady ) is get drunk, make any aggressive sexual move on him, or have a deep and meaningful chat out of desperation....it were looks desperate and the former approach would be considered naff, if he were female exploitative, and ultimately a bit crass.

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