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Original poster

How to seduce an uptight Englishman - desperate for advice please

91 replies

helenaxxx · 04/04/2018 21:14

I really want to know, how to initiate romance with a shy Englishman. I’m dating a really great man, I adore him but we seen to be stuck in friends zone. He’s friendly and confident, but romantically very shy, so whilst being the perfect and kindest English gentleman he hasn’t ever done anything to suggest he’d like something more. He sends lovely texts and initiates dates, but they are always a walk, lunch or cinema ended with a kiss on the cheek. Not a single compliment on my appearance or even a touch on the arm.
Been on so many dates and now and I’ve started to get emotionally involved and feeling pretty desperate just for hug. I’m not asking for a night of passion, would just love to hold hands.
The situation feels strange to me, but then I’ve never dated an English man, I’m used to very direct and pushy foreign men who have always made the moves. I realise I’m also shy and rubbish at making the moves. But I’ve got to muster up the courage and do it gracefully.
I know some of you ladies out there know how to make the moves on a slightly uptight Englishman. I’d really love some advice.
Or are you a shy Englishman, what should I do?

How does a woman tell a man she likes him in a no pressure charming way?
How does a woman gracefully initiate that first physical contact?
Help !!
There’s been no physical imtimacy and also no intimate chit chat, eg about us getting together, how we are feeling or past relationships etc. I need to initiate this somehow and I want to tell him how much I like him, that I’d like to be more than friends, if he did too, no pressure etc, but it’s like crossing a line. It just feels like it would be impolite. I always wimp out, never find the right moment to even hint at this. I don’t even know if he’s ever had a girlfriend. Though conversation flows freely and he just feels really kind to me.
He won’t invite me out to dinner. Is this a sign he’s not ready to jump into romance? Or could it be he’s just unconfident.

I was thinking I need to orchestrate cooking for him at his house, that way he wouldn’t be driving. I’m an excellent cook and I suspect he has a real weakness for yummy home cooked food, then we could share a bottle of wine, which might give me some Dutch courage to just take the lead and open up a bit and see if he then reciprocates.
Next date will be a brief one, just coffee this weekend as it’s rainy and he has visitors.

OP posts:
BlokeHereInPeace · 04/04/2018 22:17

Could have been me when I was younger. It's sort of simple, yet complicated. Talk to him. Print out what you typed. Worse that can happen is he runs a mile. But could be that lots of good things happen.

AnaViaSalamanca · 04/04/2018 22:42

how did you two meet? Do you know if he is definitely straight?

Original poster
helenaxxx · 04/04/2018 22:59

We met through internet dating, both looking for a serious relationship. I told him on the first date which was a coffee date, that I’d really enjoyed it and wanted to see him again and he seemed thrilled. I just always got the feeling he was inexperienced in relationships and i think he’s been on his own for a long while and in the habit of being in his own. So it didn’t feel right to rush things. But now we’ve got stuck as friends.
I’ve never known any man be such a kind and consistant friend to me. Empathetic and thoughtful. A really good man. He’s met my son twice, just briefly and was thrilled to be Introduced.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 04/04/2018 23:03

Do you really want a relationship with a man who never tells you you look nice? Or touches you unless he's drunk?

Or do you think that once you are in an official 'relationship' that he'll suddenly start (he won't). This stand offish person is who he is, romantically involved or just as a friend. You'll end up walking down the street together with the width of the pavement between you and trying to convince yourself that you never really liked public displays of affection anyway...

AnaViaSalamanca · 04/04/2018 23:19

Why don't you drop some hints? Talk in general about intimacy? Or touch his arm? Or look longingly into his eyes. Have you done any of that? Have you flirted? Does he respond?

Have you asked about his past relationships? If he is dating others? Are you dating others? There are many ways to start talking about it. Gauge his reaction and take it from there.

Cricrichan · 04/04/2018 23:30

Arrange for a night out with dinner and lots of wine followed by dancing. If that doesn't do it then bin him off

Nousernameforme · 04/04/2018 23:36

Count him as a friend and look else where. If he hasn't tried it on yet then he is either not interested or so awfully shy you are going to have to lead him every step of the way throughout your relationship.

Orlandointhewilderness · 04/04/2018 23:37

i wouldn't discount him OP - my bf was very correct, very polite etc when we first met. i assumed he wasn't interested, he assumed the same. it took THREE YEARS for us to get together and he finally cracked slightly and told me he thought of me as more. then i invited myself round for a dvd night, got very drunk and took him to bed. it worked obviously and he is utterly amazing as a bf. he is in no way hard work, emotionally fucked up or anything else. he is incredibly attentive, compliments me all the time and our sex life is very, very healthy. he is completely different as a bf than as a friend.

i suggest you are honest and say you would like to try for more. if you leave it up to him it could take forever!

artichokehearts · 04/04/2018 23:38

Sounds like you need at least three bottles of wine, a weekend in Paris or he’s what used to be called a confirmed bachelor (gay).
If he’s not even trying to hold your hand by now, sounds like he’s not interested in romance. Perhaps he just enjoys your company as a friend.

Orlandointhewilderness · 04/04/2018 23:40

zaph that is just wrong in my experience! when we were seeing each other as friends, my bf and i never held hands, touched, flirted or anything else. he was reserved, polite and respectful but never gave me any hint he wanted more. when we got together he changed completely and is so so giving and touchy feely, not stand offish in the slightest! he did 'suddenly start' when we were actually together.

DottyBlue2 · 04/04/2018 23:43

Do you dress up for your dates or do you turn up in whatever you happened to pull out of the closet? It makes a difference. You need the works - dress, heels, nice handbag,makeup, nice hair.

Original poster
helenaxxx · 04/04/2018 23:51

I do make an effort. Though we’ve been going for country walks.
I think the setting of a date makes a big difference. It’s quite hard to get the mood right on a country walk.
I think wine, candlelit meal will help.

OP posts:
MCSpammer · 04/04/2018 23:54

Might he have erectile dysfunction?

UkuleleRose · 04/04/2018 23:56

Unfortunately, signs point to:

  1. He's not interested in a romantic relationship with you.
  2. He's gay.
  3. He's got ED.
  4. He's asexual.
  5. Other

This is way too much work and it's unlikely he'll change or care to change. Cut your losses and protect your heart. :-(

Original poster
helenaxxx · 04/04/2018 23:57

Orlandointhewilderness - Im hoping he’s one of these types. A treasure. So I’m just working on the hope he might be, you never know.

But lots of wise words here, he could be dysfunctional. I’m going to give it a chance.

It’s just I’ve never had to do this before, it’s hard. I struggle to broach the conversation. But I’m feeling full of resolve now to do so. The advice has all been so helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
helenaxxx · 05/04/2018 00:00

He could be dysfunctional, it could be a sign somethings not right.

OP posts:
frogsoup · 05/04/2018 00:01

I had to make the first move in the end, OP. It nearly killed me. But we've now been very happily married 22 years, with 3dc. So it was worth it Grin People who aren't chronically shy about that kind of thing will never understand! Nonsense about being buttoned up, initial reserve really has no bearing on later touchy-feelyness!

frogsoup · 05/04/2018 00:02

Orlando do we have the same DH?Grin

RebelRogue · 05/04/2018 00:04

I've read Englishman so many times it lost all meaning.

Original poster
helenaxxx · 05/04/2018 00:04

So two of these men exist ... that’s encouraging
He might be a third Smile

OP posts:
frogsoup · 05/04/2018 00:12

Worth a try, I'd say Wink

ferrier · 05/04/2018 00:15

Indeed Helena.
But it does seem like one of you needs to make the move that (may) take it to the next level.
As a pp said - Do you flirt with him? Why not get a bit more touchy feely. Doesn't necessarily need drink though that may help. How about invite him round to yours to watch a DVD and get a bit closer on the sofa?

Shodan · 05/04/2018 00:16

My current boyfriend had no idea that I thought of him as anything more than a friend. I thought I'd made it clear, but apparently not. He has subsequently said that he'd hoped/wished etc that I did feel more for him but convinced himself otherwise.

Drink was definitely my friend Grin Give it a go- if it doesn't turn out the way you hope, you can just blame the demon drink...

Original poster
helenaxxx · 05/04/2018 00:24

I haven’t been flirting. I need to start flirting with him. Recently I’ve really been giving lots of eye contact and I’ve slipped on some sweet comments. Touched his arm. At the cinema we shared a glass of wine I was leaning in really close to him to whisper, it was light hearted and jokey. He seemed happy with that. Wanted to go back to the cinema. I read that I need to start with lots of compliments. So I’m going to do that at least.

OP posts:
ferrier · 05/04/2018 00:36

He could just be nervous and absolutely crap at reading your signals (or believing what he sees)!

He could see you as just friends - seems a bit odd to me to meet so frequently but it can't be ruled out. But if you want more I don't think you have anything to gain by letting the relationship meander along on a friends basis.

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