How to end a relationship when you love each other but have different life goals

[AllAdrift]

I posted a few months ago about my desire to have children vs my long term partner feeling strongly the other way. I received lots of helpful advice at the time.

Since then, we’ve been to Relate and talked and talked. He remains resolute that he doesn’t want children. I know that if I don’t at least try, I will resent him in the future (I’m 37 so time is fast running out). We both acknowledge that if we are to remain together, one of us has to compromise. And neither of us can. We both accept that if we are set on opposing paths then we have no choice but to end our relationship. But we love each other so much, and each time we start talking about splitting up, we both end up utterly distraught. It’s like ripping off a plaster 1mm at a time and it’s having a terrible impact on my mental health (and not doing DP any good either). It’s so painful.

You were all so helpful last time. Can anyone offer any words of advice? Do we just need to tear the plaster off in one go? And if so, how? After 12 years we’ve a house and the kind of interconnected friends, finances and lives you’d expect.

You know you have to do the ripping plaster don’t you? Like you say your time is running out, and it will be you left mourning what you couldn’t have if you wait any longer.

I feel for you, it’s an awful position to be in.

Best crack on and do it. Cut out the talking and start sorting out the logistics.

You’ve done the talking, now you need to do the doing, no point rehashing here what you have prob gone over and over in your head. Take a small step. Get the ball rolling.

Do you need to sell the house?

This is awfully sad I really feel for you.

Was this discussed years ago when you met/over the years? Were you both in the same mindset them or has opinions changed over the years?

I imagine this has already been discussed but would either of you consider adopting maybe an older child? Or even fostering?

It’s tough. But neither of you look like you are backing down or compromising in anyway. If you know in your heart you want a baby then you have to go now while you still have a chance of fulfilling your dream. Goodbye will be difficult I am going through it now so I understand but do what is best for you.

Gosh this is devastating. I don't usually genuinely feel sad on a thread. But you get one life and you are following your heart.

@autumnleaves101 It’s me. I was always adamant that I didn’t want children, until a bit over a year ago when I was struck by this intense yearning. I know it’s probably hormonal, and it’s possible it might go away (god knows I wish it would), but it’s all consuming. I know that if I let my reproductive years slip away, I will end up resenting my DP, and it is not his fault. We never really discussed children because I was the ambivalent one, ironically. He’s so good with friends’ kids that I have been taken aback by his (entirely reasonable, I do understand that) strength of feeling. I don’t agree with his reasons for not wanting children (that he would be a bad father - which sadly applies to fostering too - or pass on perceived faults), but I do respect them.

This is so sad. But OP, I understand that you need to go down this road. I think you'll feel better after the first awful downer. You'll come up quicker than you expected.

@smileybird Yeah, we’d need to sell the house. I could probably buy him out (I’m the higher earner), but I don’t think I could live here with all the memories.

Tomorrow morning you have to get up and start to deal with the business of separating. And that's really it.

Thanks all. I guess I know deep down what I need to do, but the future seems so uncertain. I might not meet someone else (and right now the thought of someone replacing my DP is unconscionable), or if I do, we might find we can’t have children. So I’m preparing to tear up two very happy lives (other than this elephant in the room) to chase something I may never find.

Yep, you need to rip the plaster off. I had to divorce my h when I was 30 for the same reason. One of you needs to just move out, get a spare room or flat temporarily. I did. He bought me out of the house.

You are not getting any younger.

Contact an estate agent tomorrow and get the place valued and up for sale.

If it's too painful, move out until it sells.

I really feel for you OP. I’ve always wanted to be a mother and in my opinion it’s not something that can be compromised on. Even if you only decided later on, everyone has their right to change their mind. If you don’t have children you may regret it forever. This issue will never go away and equally it’s not fair to ask someone to have children when they absolutely do not want them. I agree that tearing the plaster in one go is absolutely the best, no good can come for either of you prolonging this.

Is it that he doesn't want kids around at all or just not his own? Would it be possible for you to agree to using a sperm doner and staying in your relationship to some extent? Either with him living elsewhere or living with you but you doing the majority of the parenting and the child calling him by his name like a step parent?

I wouldn't bother trying to find someone else in your shoes. I'd look at a sperm donor from abroad and crack on. I was still fairly young, but it still took me 2 years to get married again and have a baby. I was 32. You may potentially be 40. I'd crack on in case you find out you want more than one child.

Ask at work for a good estate agent. Ring them up and see how fast you can put the house on the market, now's the time to sell.

It was devastating the first night after we split and I was alone in my flat, but I knew it was the right decision and that even if I never met anyone else, or found out I couldn't have kids, I'd know I tried my best and that knowledge was what I needed to be true to myself.

It’s so very sad but you can’t give up on having children for him, and he can’t have them to make you happy. I’m so sorry.

This is heartbreaking. I have no constructive advice; but wanted to send you a virtual hug xxx

I'd consider looking at freezing your eggs now...because if you split and wait till you meet someone else... take the time to build a relationship with.... it may be to late.

Even freezing your eggs now and implanting later isn't as easy as natural conception.

I have a couple of friends who have struggled with conceiving in their late 30s to early 40s due to the reduction and quality of egg production.

One conceived via an egg donor.

I'd go with expat's advice - you're breaking up for the chance of dc - go it alone and worry about finding a partner down the road.

Taking that plunge is hard. I had to move out, find a mediator to handle our divorce, tell everyone we were getting a divorce, meet up with him to complete divorce paperwork. Even when the decree nicsi came in, I felt like such a fool, kept thinking if he'd only come around. But I knew that I had to take a chance. DH and I have 3 children.

You see I’m not sure I want a child so badly as to use a sperm donor. I’d want them within a relationship. But I’m just reading the ‘how do we afford to break up’ thread and it’s very sobering. The grass is always greener. Oh god, my head is such a mess.

I did get my AMH level tested a few months back and it came back well within normal range (within normal for a woman in her 20s in fact), but I know that’s no guarantee of a successful pregnancy.

I’m also very aware of how easy I have it in reality. I read all these threads posted by women who are dealing with hugely challenging circumstances; mine is trivial by comparison. I know have options that others don’t have and only myself to account for.

Well, whether you chose to use a donor or not, as long as you realise that time is not the longest and that relationships can go awry, it's a chance you take. But you have to take that first step.

For disclosure I have children and wouldn't change that but the love for mine comes from the love for my husband and that is the most important thing to me.

If you are happy, truly in love with him, if it were me I would stay. You don't know how long it will take you to meet someone else who makes you feel so happy and then how long it will take you to conceive and even if you will. I know that sounds so negative but a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, you love him and that is rare. So many people have children thinking it will complete them and in some cases it weakens their relationship. It's such a hard call and I would probably be devastated in your situation but if you leave him and worst case scenario end up alone, you'll have lost everything. Children are not the be all and end all some people will have you believe them to be xx

Hugs and because you are in an incredibly difficult situation.