How to end a relationship when you love each other but have different life goals

[AllAdrift]

I posted a few months ago about my desire to have children vs my long term partner feeling strongly the other way. I received lots of helpful advice at the time.

Since then, we’ve been to Relate and talked and talked. He remains resolute that he doesn’t want children. I know that if I don’t at least try, I will resent him in the future (I’m 37 so time is fast running out). We both acknowledge that if we are to remain together, one of us has to compromise. And neither of us can. We both accept that if we are set on opposing paths then we have no choice but to end our relationship. But we love each other so much, and each time we start talking about splitting up, we both end up utterly distraught. It’s like ripping off a plaster 1mm at a time and it’s having a terrible impact on my mental health (and not doing DP any good either). It’s so painful.

You were all so helpful last time. Can anyone offer any words of advice? Do we just need to tear the plaster off in one go? And if so, how? After 12 years we’ve a house and the kind of interconnected friends, finances and lives you’d expect.

@Flupi seriously? Ops oh has been nothing but honest at the fact that he doesn't want kids. Why should he have them? He doesn't want them! End of. Why should he have his life turned upside down through no fault of his own? Why should a child be brought into the world this way? Why should op have to live with the guilt that she tricked him? Why should she deceive him like that? She loves him very much clearly and is doing the best thing for them both by ending it.

This must be so hard for both of you op, I can't even imagine what you must be going through x

@Flupi No, he’d make a brilliant father. And we’re a good partnership. But I couldn’t trick him into pregnancy.

I'm throwing this out there as an alternative.....could you hedge your bets and continue with him as normal but find a sperm donor and attempt to get pregnant whilst you are together (with or without his knowledge)? Obviously only if you wanted to go ahead and have a child on your own.

If you leave him and are unable to get pregnant you are throwing away a life together if you say you love each other and otherwise have a good relationship.

You can use the time you are attempting to get pregnant to plan your exit IF you conceive.

I know its not an ideal solution but at 37 there are no guarantees you will get pregnant and I'm just looking at it from another angle. This way you will either get the relationship or the baby, wheras if you separate you will potentially end up with neither.

My exh didn't want a 2nd child and I reluctantly terminated. I asked him to get a vasectomy but refused. We split up a few years later.
He got with a much younger girlfriend and surprise surprise she was pregnant within a year of them dating (he said it wasn't planned on his behalf but he obviously did little to stop it!)
I would of liked another child but probably too old now :(

A happy accident?? Jeez, I was told this as well (by a guy, and by my grandmother) when I was married to a man who didn't want children. He told me that if I got pregnant he would take his own life. He was so sure that he went ahead and had a vasectomy - it still took me another 2 years to actually leave, but then I was only 31 when I left. So I do get how hard it is - it took me 2 years of waking up every morning going 'he's had a VASECTOMY' before I could really do it.

The fact is, you are waiting for something, someone, anything to do the move for you. You can't. You have decided. You have to be the one who makes the change, breaks things up. It hardly matters what the first move is - ring an estate agent, pack a bag. Something involving a physical change though; put your money where your mouth is. Then put the word out among all your friends - 'I'm single and I'm looking to have a family with someone'. You don't have time for slow and subtle.

I can say that I deeply regret hurting my xh - it wasn't his fault. But I don't regret leaving. It must be said that our relationship wasn't great for lots of other reasons too. But when I looked ahead to the retirement he seemed to want for us, I saw two shrivelled, over-preserved lonely people in a little house in the dark. I didn't see any engagement with the wider world, which is what children represent to me (not for everyone, I totally get that).

First of all, OP, I'm so sorry. This is a horrifically difficult situation, and I think everyone on here's heart goes out to you. But I think dragon makes a good point that you should consider carefully before ending your relationship -- have you had any separate sessions with a good counsellor, or were they all joint ones?

I think the error some people on the thread are falling into, with the best of intentions, is thinking that following your dream of having a child is the only goal to be struggled and sacrificed for here, and that choosing your relationship over your wish to have a baby is a compromise you shouldn't make because it isn't being true to yourself. But a genuinely loving and happy relationship is also a huge boon, and I wouldn't in your shoes sacrifice it without careful thought, especially if you say you don't want to have a child alone via a donor.

In that case you are putting a huge amount of pressure on yourself and on any future relationships, to get to the stage of commitment etc where you could have a child, and without any guarantees.

You say you know you'll resent him if you don't 'at least try for a child, but flip that and you could find yourself resenting other men for not being him, or for not being open to a child, or for not wanting to discuss having a child early in a new relationship etc.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, only that you shouldn't fall into the trap of thinking that the only way of being true to yourself here is by leaving your relationship to try to have a child with someone else. At least see a counsellor and talk through your feelings about not wanting to go it alone, and how your reason for ending this relationship might impact on dating in future.

(Normally people would tell you to take a long time out of relationships, to recover and not to risk rebound relationships, but you are going to want to start trying to find someone soon, aren't you, for the same understandable reasons that you want to leave now? How will other men measure up to this man you really love? Will a willingness to have children make up for them not being him?)

I say this as someone who was entirely uninterested in having a child, and whose longterm partner changed his mind when I was 39 and suddenly desperately wanted one. I stayed, and had a child, more for him than for myself, if I'm frank. I adore our son, but I am also aware of the very different, equally good, life I gave up when I made that decision.

What I'm saying is that every decision means you close down some options.

Very best wishes, OP.

At least your ex took that step of closing the door on his own fertility, annandale - not basically waiting yours out while keeping the option himself.

Op

It’s going to hurt and be painful but you have both made your mind up and that is that

You are both hoping the other will change their mind and the only way to find that out is if you both agree to end the relationship ASAP.

At the moment you are both in limbo.

If you leave and do not find a man to have a child with then that’s just the way it was meant to be. After all you are taking a risk.

I had a friend in this position at about the same age as you. She was financially secure. She went to a fertility clinic and had her son by IVF/sperm donor. He’s now 10 and she says it’s the best thing she ever did. They are both super lovely/happy. Their own little family. Surrounded by extended family and friends. I definitely recommend having your eggs frozen as a minimum starting point. No point splitting up with him if you aren’t going to go full throttle. Freeze your eggs and give yourself 3 years to find another suitable partner. Then if you haven’t by the time you are 40 get yourself sorted at the clinic. You have the finances and know what you want so go for it.

To everyone suggesting that the OP should freeze her eggs, I'm a similar age and asked a doctor about that and she essentially said it was a waste of money and there was very little guarantee that it would be successful. Far cheaper to just go down the IVF/sperm donor route, which has a higher chance of success.

Hello OP.

For me I don't think the issue would be that I might not have children, the more significant issue is that he is so, so unwilling to discuss / bend on things.

If it was me I would rip the plaster off & leave because I wouldn't want to be with someone who was so entrenched in their view. So intransigent.

You at least seem to be tossing around the possibility of not have children in order to meet his position. But it doesn't seem that he's that open to doing the same...?

I don't actually think I'd leave a relationship over this if it was as good as you're making out, and I say that as an overjoyed Mum of one. But that view in itself shows how willing I am to negotiate / compromise.

I'm sorry but he either sounds;

1. Incredibly stubborn / selfish to not consider trying to meet your view somehow.

1. Fucked up. In a major way. Re fatherhood issues etc.

I think the way I'd want it to play out is;

I'd compromise and stay in the relationship.
Then he'd compromise & you'd end up having kids.

Good luck, but I actually don't think this decision is that difficult. Sorry, but the relationship isn't that good if he won't meet you somehow.

I cannot fathom having been in a deeply committed, loving, intimate 12 year relationship & both of you not being willing to lovingly compromise in this situation.

KIds aren't the sort of thing you can compromise on - you can't try out parenthood and then give 'em back if you don't like it.

For someone I deeply loved, I could compromise on that I think.

What I couldn't deal with is someone unwilling to compromise for me.

You have to leave. If he really wants you, it may really give him pause for thought about whether he is so opposed to parenthood after all. But if even that doesn't move him, I would say pursue having a child. It's too life changing not to.

Yes I agree with butterfly.

If he is a really decent good man he will sort out his issues (I think you said he had issues??) and realise what he's losing.

I agree with namechange. This guy actually sounds a bit wet tbh, probably not great father materal, so a new start is probably best all around.

Well I really bloody feel for you; what a shit situation. But you're 37 - falling off the fertility cliff already. Sorry to be so harsh, and I know you've been tested, but that is the reality. How do you think you're going to leave him, find a new man, persuade him to have kids straight away, and get pg before it's too late? Unless you're going to use a sperm donor I think you're throwing away a good relationship with a man who loves you, for nothing more than a slim chance of future motherhood, with who knows what random man as your baby father, as you'll have to settle for whoever comes along because of the ticking clock. I don't think I would do it. Kudos if you do though - it's brave to follow your heart.

Or do the sperm donor / IVF thing sooner rather than later. That's the surest way actually concieving.

I think the error some people on the thread are falling into, with the best of intentions, is thinking that following your dream of having a child is the only goal to be struggled and sacrificed for here, and that choosing your relationship over your wish to have a baby is a compromise you shouldn't make because it isn't being true to yourself. But a genuinely loving and happy relationship is also a huge boon, and I wouldn't in your shoes sacrifice it without careful thought, especially if you say you don't want to have a child alone via a donor

This is exactly what I mean. Kids grow up and they leave, you become an empty nester. Mumsnet is actually a terrible place to get relationship advice as it seems to be full of people having an affair, who are divorced, have stbxh etc, it isn't a reflection of real life so you are, on the balance of probability, going to get lots of opinions from people who don't appreciate the value of a hood relationship.
I come from a long line of HAPPILY married til death do us part on one side of my family and the surviving spouses nursed the sick ones in the end. As I said before, for disclosure I have children but my love for my husband comes first, without that they would not be here and I don't think people are necessarily appreciating how you feel about him. You have to do what is right for you but people saying just get up and go tomorrow are being unrealistic in how difficult it would be for you to leave someone you truly love and they are also projecting their previous relationships and experiences onto you, having no true idea about yours.

I don't actually think I'd leave a relationship over this if it was as good as you're making out, and I say that as an overjoyed Mum of one. But that view in itself shows how willing I am to negotiate / compromise.

Also agree with this, equally if you do stay, only you have compromised so it does then become difficult in that respect! My points before though are just don't rush to leave if you are truly that happy and in love otherwise

She's running out of time to hang around.

Op you’re doing the right thing, you would resent him if you don’t try. In my mind, he is the one who is losing the biggest amount here.
Freezing your eggs aged 37 is fairly pointless. I think you either need a sperm donor or you need to get internet dating fairly pronto (hard to do when you’re heartbroken). I had my kids very easily aged 35,37 and 42 so not all is lost... but you do need to cut ties with this man and the sooner you do it the better. I’m so sorry it hasn’t worked out

What a dreadfully sad situation for you both .

Unfortunately, OP, the ball is very much in your court. Your DP isn’t the one who has changed his mind about having kids. He is happy with your relationship as it is and obviously has no interest in changing it. He has done nothing wrong.

You, however are perfectly entitled to change your mind and to want to be a mother. You have a horribly difficult decision to make, and it sounds like your mind is made up. Time is short, so if you are going to end the relationship, untangle your lives and move on you need to start the ball rolling.

I wish you both well.

There really is no compromise when it comes to having children. He can’t agree to ‘try having one’ as if it’s a trial period you can end if you don’t like it. Once you have a child, it’s a life long commitment and he clearly doesn’t want that. It’s unfair to say he doesn’t love OP enough to ‘compromise’ when there is no bloody compromise to be made.

OP as wretched as it is, the plaster needs to be ripped off quickly. Your biological clock isn’t Bernard’s watch, it won’t conveniently stop ticking. I would set a time frame of two years to find another possible partner and if it doesn’t happen, consider sperm donation. Good luck and I’m sorry you’re going through this, break ups are horrible.