How to end a relationship when you love each other but have different life goals

[AllAdrift]

I posted a few months ago about my desire to have children vs my long term partner feeling strongly the other way. I received lots of helpful advice at the time.

Since then, we’ve been to Relate and talked and talked. He remains resolute that he doesn’t want children. I know that if I don’t at least try, I will resent him in the future (I’m 37 so time is fast running out). We both acknowledge that if we are to remain together, one of us has to compromise. And neither of us can. We both accept that if we are set on opposing paths then we have no choice but to end our relationship. But we love each other so much, and each time we start talking about splitting up, we both end up utterly distraught. It’s like ripping off a plaster 1mm at a time and it’s having a terrible impact on my mental health (and not doing DP any good either). It’s so painful.

You were all so helpful last time. Can anyone offer any words of advice? Do we just need to tear the plaster off in one go? And if so, how? After 12 years we’ve a house and the kind of interconnected friends, finances and lives you’d expect.

And you're projecting too, dragonwarrior.

Op said in her OP that after months of heartache & discussion they can't compromise and both agree they need to end things. If she's going to make the choice to try to have dc she can't hang about.

Kids grow up, true, but they still bring things to your life as adults, (including grandchildren), families can remain tight-knit and wonderfully rewarding.

Both are valid choices.

Hi alladrift,

I'm really sorry to hear about your troubles. I can see it from both sides but I honestly don't think splitting up would resolve your issues you never know what is around the corner. From your posts you seem deeply in love with each other and have been together a long time. Have you been going to relate for long? Have you seen any improvement at all? I would suggest that you both speak and give yourself a timeframe. If he agrees to that, that should show some flexibility or willingness to try even if you don't get the outcome you hope for. I would also suggest a different counsellor if relate isn't working, maybe an all rounder counselling service. Just to get someone else's support and to say you both tried a different angle. If by the end of the timeframe you both agreed, there hasn't been any improvement, then I think you would've tried as much as you can and it may be time to move on but just bear in mind that there are many men out there and it is hard to find a good one these days and it will take time for you to meet someone, establish a relationship, get to truly know that person along with the other things needed before you can start a family. It may be that you meet a good one, do all these things and then be in a position where he is not able to start a family or he may have said he wants to start a family and then changes his mind. I'm just trying to give you some food for thought. I met one of the good ones and would love nothing more than to have a child with him but our children are 13 and 11 and he doesn't wish to 'start again' now our children are grown up. I agree with him but it doesn't take away the fact that I would love to have a child with him but I would also not leave him because of this. We are 33 and 35 years old. I wish you the very best of luck OP

The OP has not asked if she should split up, she has asked how she should split up!

Horrible situation but you need to act decisively. Leave him and go the sperm donor route. There's time for romance later. Otherwise you're in danger of leaving this relationship for one that doesn't materialise, or is too hasty, or which is inferior and based on your need to have a child before it's too late. IMO it would be easier to have a baby on your own and call all the shots yourself than try to do it while managing a relationship with a partner you barely know.

I had a similar situation with 2nd child. In the end, I presented it as: I'll stay but I'll be unhappy and given years of that I couldn't hold out hope the relationship would continue long term. I think that is true for you too. If you don't have a child and you stay, the resentment would build and find outlets in other ways. It might not end things, but it'll be a huge strain. I think the final deal for us was, have a 2nd and all talk of a horse (I wanted a horse at that point) would be off the cards. Baby for horse. Sounds strange but of course I agreed and everyone was happy.

I was dead against having children, hated the very idea and we were in the same situation as you both.
On advice from her mum, my GF stopped taking the pill (without telling me) and became a sex maniac! she didnt get pregnant and tearfully told me, we had a huge row and almost split up.
However, I did see how much this meant to her and realised we d either split up or she d be un happy for the rest of her life, i loved her so much, either was unacceptable, a relationship with a partner that unhappy isnt going to last or be a particularly joyful one.
So, i went for it, remembering her words of wisdom that "you wont even know we are here!" yeah right!
This time, she quickly became pregnant and my attitude completely changed! i particularly remember getting the test result together in a Superdrug store, it was fcuking amazing! i was as excited as she was, became absolutely obsessed with all things mum and baby, we had a home birth too! which was even more incredible.

Unfortunately, she died shortly after the birth and not a day goes by when i dont think of her and the gift (sometimes lol) that is my daughter - 18yo now.

Having a baby isnt the end of the world and can be the start of something wonderful, your partner might surprise himself.

I don't know if I've missed it op but has your dp had a vasectomy or is he going to? If he hasn't/isn't then why not if he's so sure?

Some of the comments on this thread are unbelievable, from the "happy accident" to "lovingly compromise" and "why hasn't he had a vasectomy.

The first is downright abhorrent and anyone who thinks like that sort of behaviour is acceptable has no right being a parent.

The second is ridiculous because we're not talking about where to go on holiday. We're talking creating a life that you will be responsible for for at least 18 years; potentially even your whole life if they are born with severe disability. I see people expect HIM to be the one to compromise, too; he's not allowed to be intransigent but she is?

The third is a more personal thing. I know two men who have had chronic pain and problems following a vasectomy. The NHS says complications are 10% but it's potentially higher. I, personally, wouldn't take the risk for unnecessary surgery having seen what it did to those two men. But at the same time, surely if the MN mantra is "her body, her choice" this must apply equally to him?

The fact is the relationship is over if they want different things, and they do. There's no point in further prevaricating. Rip that plaster off now, because if you are adamant you don't want to do down the donor route, you're time is closing in. I hope you find someone; would be awful if in six years you're still single, with no child, and he's happy with someone else - but still with no child. I've seen that scenario too.

It's a gamble but one you clearly have to take. Good luck OP.

She's not asking if she should stay in the relationship but how to end it.