FIL: Would this trouble you?

[ivegotnostrings]

DH has never really seen eye to eye with his Dad.

FIL describes himself as bohemian, had a high flying career but lived quite a mixed lifestyle.

DH says his parents were part of a big swinging community when they were growing up. Was quite communal with partner-swapping going on etc, quite open about it all. DH says the focus of their childhood was basically communing with these other families (kids away playing upstairs, DH playing downstairs).

Anyway, SIL had a few recently and sort of said to me that when she was growing up FIL was slightly strange with her - a lot of 'jokey' bottom touching when she was a little girl, comments about her breasts when she was a teenager, nothing she'd describe as abuse as such, but definitely a feeling of very poor boundaries and being a bit creeped out.

Anyway, I'm fairly live and let live, but this last bit from SIL set alarm bells ringing, especially as we have primary aged DDs.

Finally, DH has been a bit cagey and touchy lately and not wanted to see FIL at all. I finally pinned DH down about it and asked him what was up. Apparently FIL has taken up writing and sent DH his first novella.

It's a story about incest, it includes a sex scene. Between family members. But it's written not in a shock-horror way. It's just incidental to the story, as if that's a very normal thing? Normal for two very close members of the same family to have sex. He's just kind of written it into the plot.

DH doesn't want to talk about any of this at all, esp not to FIL.

But my mother instincts are screaming here.

Sexually promiscuous, ok, that's kind of his business I guess....Sexually intimidating to his young daughter, not ok - but SIL does not want to raise this with him or for us to do so either so I kind of have to pretend I don't know that.

Thinks incest is....normal? So far from ok that I'm wondering if I've stepped into a parallel universe. Do Father's do this? Write stories about incest and send them to their children.

DH doesn't want to make a fuss but I am getting great big clanging alarm bells about this man being around my DC. I don't let them be alone with him anyway, but I'm wondering if he should be allowed to have any influence over them at all?

All good advice here. Just wanted to add one thing that your post brought to mind. Many years ago in work, I heard of a father who was being interviewed for having sex with his young daughters. He thought he had done nothing wrong, it was perfectly normal and even added “what better way to learn about sex than from a loving family member”. Look after your girls, better safe than sorry x

Cut him out.
Don’t chance it.
Grandparents don’t have legal rights as such and if it did come to that I would rather report sils concerns and lose her and any harm to dc.
He sounds like the most disgusting man and he could be planning to target your dds.

I am going through the experience of speaking up against a family member for violence, thinking of you OP. It is hard and there will be fallout but stay strong. IMO family and sexual violence isn’t always that easy to spot or call. I am beginning to think it more often presents like what you are experiencing - a series of small things, some of them a bit intangible, that when added up make a very ugly picture. Rather than one big incident that is so shocking and obvious it cannot be denied or explained away. And maybe that is by design on the part of the perpetrators. Good for you for keeping your eye on the ball, family members will try to make out you are being hysterical but you are doing the right thing.

Well done OP. You are doing the right thing, stay strong. I'd discreetly let SIL know, in person (meet for coffee or something) well before the rest of the family. I agree with PP think she may be testing the waters prior to further disclosure.

Grandparents have zero rights to access to grandchildren.

This is a form of abuse. It’s called covert sexual abuse. It’s like sexual harassment in that it doesn’t have to involve touching.

Glad you are trusting your instincts.

Thank you rainbowbryte, that's interesting to hear (although obviously alarming).

He is a pervert. One doesn't allow perverts around one's children. End of. There is no need to bring DHs or SIL upbringing into it.