How do we afford to break up?

[BeanCalledPickle]

I am pretty sure we are done. I’m not happy and haven’t been for years. We sleep apart, have very little affection and clearly just annoy each other. I don’t even want to find ways to make it work, but maybe I would if I could see a way out?

We have two DD, nearly 3 and 5. He is and has always been an excellent father. We both work four days and he does huge amounts for them, probably more than me. I can’t really fathom taking them away from their father and I can’t imagjne ever wanting to. I have no wish to punish him or them.

We own a house worth about 650k with an outstanding mortgage of about 150k. I earn about 55k, him 25k. We don’t have significant disposable income. Nursery fees have eaten up a lot of our savings but we do have about 50k of my inheritance, mainly in premium bonds in his name. We broadly break even at the end of the month. We could make savings. But we couldn’t possibly afford to pay to rent / buy any sort of other suitably sized property locally. Minimum rent would be about 1200 for a two bed flat.

If we were to split up he basically couldn’t afford to support himself on what he earns locally. Even if I were to plug the gap then I wouldn’t be able to do it to the extent that another property was affordable. I guess we could sell this place but we would struggle to buy two flats and I don’t really want to disrupt the girls that much.

Are we effectively stuck together? We already live very much apart together with our own rooms etc. I’m forty this year. I can’t live like this forever more. Though I am prepared to sacrifice myself in the short term for the sake of my girls. I am resentful that he hasn’t sought promotions or advancement and is unlikely to earn much more going forward. I don’t really want to support him for life but I do understand that when I made those wedding vows I effectively agreed to that. Many threads on here go on about women protecting themselves but ultimately he got the financial protection on marriage. The house was 450k, paid for by the sale of my 240k flat and a massive chunk of my inheritance. But I’m guessing that counts for nothing absent an agreement to that effect.

But in any event I would write that all off as long as everyone was happy, housed and financially ok but I just can’t see how...

Assuming you are both working part-time rather than condensed hours, do either / both of you have the option to increase your hours and thereby increase the family income? Does he know you are considering splitting up?

No we both work 90pc amd the increase to full time would be wiped out by the extra transport and childcare.

Yeah, he knows how completely miserable I am.

Sell the house and buy two x 2 bed flats. Living in a more humble house but being happy and independent is worth it, surely? Speak to a solicitor and find out what you'd have to provide

Even that would be a push. Flats are around 300k and the house is maybe 650k and then there is the cost of moving. And I would feel absolutely terrible moving the girls from a lovely house with garden to a flat that would definitely not have outside space of any sort. DH wouldn’t be able to afford the payments on his own so I would have to pay for his as well. Just sounds like everyone would be more miserable than they are now

I don't see the issue here with that much equity. Sell the house and then you rent a 3 bed house, him a 2 bed flat. Divide the equity up after paying any debts. Unless you have enormous debts he should still get maybe 180.000 and you £260,000 or so. Forgo any maintanance or child support and take more in cash. You still earn well , enough to rent a 3 bed house , even if you have to use £500 a month or so of your equity to boost it and his equity cash can certainly subsidise him by say £700 a month for a very good few years .

I would take buying out the equation for a few years. It makes the decision easier, we have lived in some lovely areas and rented really lovely places too that we could not have afforded to buy, when you are feeling fragile living somewhere nice helps enormously I think, rather than a 'make do' just to own it.

I definitely wouldn’t be prepared to sell a house in London to rent. That house is my only asset and I would never be able to afford to buy again. I want to keep a stable and secure home for the girls. Renting you are always at the whim of someone giving notice.

ITs an interesting point though. It makes me realise that the are lengths I am just not prepared to go to to save my own sanity. It’s more important to me to keep the home and the security for my kids than for me to be free. Which may not even be sensible as they are probably damaged more from having parents who show no warmth than their own bedroom and garden

What are the monthly mortgage payments - would it help to remortgage to increase the term and rent a smaller one bedroom place nearby? Leave the DC in situ and you and DH take turns to live in the house?

Not a permanent solution obvs, but could give you some much needed space

Can you wait until youngest child is a school and childcare costs have reduced. I guess you will still have to buy him off if you want to keep your house so at least he can pay the deposit for a flat; if he see the need he may look for a better job,

Is there no way to save the marriage? Counselling? What does he think? It may well be over but never hurts to try one last ditch attempt

So 400k equity split is 200k each. 50k pays moving costs.
25k salary assuming no debts and no private schooling and aged 40 would easily get 100k = £300 total. He would have to pay this from his salary.
55k salary assuming no debts 250k depending on lender = £450k total.

It’s doable but would leave you both with far less disposable income.

People afford to break up from much more difficult situations than yours.
When I split from exdh, he stayed in the house and I rented a 3 bed flat (the great location made up for loss of garden). 2 years later we'd made the financial adjustments and I bought a place. He sold the house and bought somewhere else.

You probably can't do it all at once, it's like chess moves till you get you where you want to be.

Incedentaly, my very helpful mother blamed our split on having TOO much money! She said that if I'd not been working then I'd have had to settle for things as they were!!!!!!!

Smaller house cheaper area? He rents?

It's not nice to hear but yeah you've hit the nail on the head there... it's a shame that you're so concerned about your kids physical needs i.e a house, garden and money but you've not really thought about their emotional wellbeing growing up with two parents who show no love to each other and are unhappy. It doesn't give the poor mites much to go on growing up, does it?

I don’t know if it can be saved. At the moment I just can’t be bothered to even try. I feel like I’m drowning from the demands on me. I have no real feelings for him. I didn’t want a second child as I knew I wouldn’t cope well. I went along with it for the sake of a sibling. I’ve never really recovered. I’m not depressed. I’m just sick of my reality. The thought of being touched is horrible and I just want some space. Maybe it will get better. Can’t see me changing how I feel though!

Storm you are probably right. I can’t see past these things right now. And also Venus for pointing out it all can’t happen at once. I hadn’t really thought of that either. One thing I’m definitely not considering is leaving the area. We have no family help and my local community is a massive help and frankly one of the main ways I survive. I am not willing to cut myself out of this. And our jobs are in London so moving further out would cut housing costs in favour of increased travel. So little to be gained

Can you move out of London? You’d be able to buy a massive detached house where I live for £300000.

No we both have jobs that don’t exist outside of London

He moves out, you get a lodger and give the money the him to help with rent?

With an agreement to sell house when kids 18...

Well you might be stuck then. One thing I have noticed, however, is that couples on the verge of splitting up still think like a couple. You say you can't afford 2 homes - you don't have to. You just have to work out what you can afford post divorce. I'm afraid his problem is his own and he will have to increase his earning power, just as many women find themselves having to do post-divorce.

Most couples when they split end up lowering their living standards but most people find it worth it. The kids won't really care about a house.

You're going to struggle to change anything when you're not willing to change anything. He could just evaporate, I suppose.

I suppose i do see it as my problem as if he can’t afford to live then it would impact on the kids. And I suspect it will also be my problem as he would have a claim on my income and pension eventually.