How do we afford to break up?

[BeanCalledPickle]

I am pretty sure we are done. I’m not happy and haven’t been for years. We sleep apart, have very little affection and clearly just annoy each other. I don’t even want to find ways to make it work, but maybe I would if I could see a way out?

We have two DD, nearly 3 and 5. He is and has always been an excellent father. We both work four days and he does huge amounts for them, probably more than me. I can’t really fathom taking them away from their father and I can’t imagjne ever wanting to. I have no wish to punish him or them.

We own a house worth about 650k with an outstanding mortgage of about 150k. I earn about 55k, him 25k. We don’t have significant disposable income. Nursery fees have eaten up a lot of our savings but we do have about 50k of my inheritance, mainly in premium bonds in his name. We broadly break even at the end of the month. We could make savings. But we couldn’t possibly afford to pay to rent / buy any sort of other suitably sized property locally. Minimum rent would be about 1200 for a two bed flat.

If we were to split up he basically couldn’t afford to support himself on what he earns locally. Even if I were to plug the gap then I wouldn’t be able to do it to the extent that another property was affordable. I guess we could sell this place but we would struggle to buy two flats and I don’t really want to disrupt the girls that much.

Are we effectively stuck together? We already live very much apart together with our own rooms etc. I’m forty this year. I can’t live like this forever more. Though I am prepared to sacrifice myself in the short term for the sake of my girls. I am resentful that he hasn’t sought promotions or advancement and is unlikely to earn much more going forward. I don’t really want to support him for life but I do understand that when I made those wedding vows I effectively agreed to that. Many threads on here go on about women protecting themselves but ultimately he got the financial protection on marriage. The house was 450k, paid for by the sale of my 240k flat and a massive chunk of my inheritance. But I’m guessing that counts for nothing absent an agreement to that effect.

But in any event I would write that all off as long as everyone was happy, housed and financially ok but I just can’t see how...

As I mentionedOP, I would if you really think you don’t want to go on as it is look into remortgaging by a decent chunk but not unmanageable , stay put , give him that money to subsidise him renting elsewhere and then sort something between you ref the equity. If you would be primary career then you have a right to stay out till kids are older I believe but obviously it has to be doable. As others have said it’s a balancing act , if you are that unhappy then compromises probably will be needed, otherwise it can’t be that bad, is he aware you feel like this at all??

I appreciate as a solicitor that you will be businesslike and probably quite money motivated (please don’t take that the wrong way, we all need it!!) but it comes across a bit like a business transaction, and I don’t think you have mentioned anywhere how he might feel if he knows you feel like this. If you come across as unhappy and ‘brisk’ he might like a lump sum and be quite happy to rent somewhere ok but still reasonably close and use a bit of remortgaged cash to subside himself . There are loads of options as this is a lot of equity , but none can really be looked at seriously if he doesn’t know this is at the back of your mind,

Do you want a divorce? I am asking because I am not sure you do. If you did, you’d find a way.
So - why not think what makes you unhappy and work on that instead? And that may be your marriage or your marriage and other things.
I’d explore that as concentrating on the marriage may not let you explore other areas you may work on too.

I think it's fine to want to see that the other person is ok, but at some point you have to recognise that it isn't necessarily your job to sort everything out just because you're both done. It sounds like you are the chief sorter, planner and thinker for the family?

At some point he needs to look at the fact that things are not working out and face up to his options, one of which might be going for a promotion instead of letting them go by.

Have you spoken to him about the logistics of splitting? Does he have any plans or thoughts? He might see it coming too and have his own 'what if plan'.

I also don't think it's about wanting to pursue a new relationship either, but to be able to live free in your own space.

Keep the house for the children, buy/ rent a 1 bed flat. Rotate who stays there and who is parenting in the house. You both get your own space and the children keep their home and stability.

You said that both of your jobs don't exist outside of London? Then you say you are a solicitor....

I find it hard to believe that your dh's job doesn't exist elsewhere as if it was really niche then surely it would be paying a lot more than 25k?

I'm in a similar situation op in that I feel trapped but I'm not sure what you want to happen?
It's admirable that you don't want to leave dh in the shit so to speak but he's a fully grown man and has to take some responsibility himself.

Very specialist type of solicitor. My type of work only exists in London or actually Leeds. His work is essentially admin but in a specific industry which is only in London. His type of job exists the world over though.

I think you have all helped me realise it’s maybe not as bad as I think as I’m not willing to leave him in the lurch which suggests I am far from not giving a toss.

He is well aware of how I feel. I’ve said I need a break from the relationship and he agrees but ultimately it’s for me to effect this. He never would. I think that if we had money to spare I would rent a flat locally as a trial and see how we got on. The fact that I’d have to make massive changes to allow for this puts me off.

I am definitely willing to compromise my own happiness at the moment, mainly because I simply don’t know what would make me happy. I don’t want to go through all this and discover that I’ve broken up my family and I’m atill bloody miserable.

Your final sentence is somthing I ponder too (better to ponder than rush in?). My options are more limited than yours atm, I am stuck for the time being so making the very best of it. Perhaps that's when you know it's time, when things couldn't be anymore miserable.

Good luck with it all op.

I really feel for you, especially that last sentence about being miserable. It sounds as if the small child years have left you feeling drained and ground down. I also wonder if a short holiday alone might give you space and time to reflect and reenergise? I think I would ask, irrespective of issues with DH, what is there in your life that brings joy?

If you're not sure about splitting, this might be worth a read books.google.co.uk/books?id=Q5XjBAAAQBAJ&source=gbs_book_other_versions

I realise you don't have a lot of disposable income, but I'd really recommend having some sessions with a therapist, just you.

I think you are maybe struggling to find yourself in this new world of two kids and full-on responsibilities (sorry for the wanky terminology!) and it might give you a chance to unpick what's actually getting you down, and how you could be happier

If you can hold on until the children are older - then you take out childcare costs, and a flat may be more ok as you wouldn't need a garden for them to play in.