Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your dp cheated on you, but you worked on it and were still together, did he do it again or not?

57 replies

FritzDonovan · 03/04/2018 15:05

Not a taat, but triggered by one!

Way back dp tried to cheat at a work conference. Not sure how far it went, he said he thought better of it and didn't (but who knows?). Got over, married with DC now. He's away a lot, was a bit 'detached' (his words) while last away, and had a friendship with a female colleague which included texting her to see if she was up for a drink (just the two of them). I wasn't best pleased, it coincided with some lies about his porn viewing etc, but no blatant evidence of any dodgy encounters (that I know of). However, the trust is again a little shaky.

Reading the other thread, there seems to be quite a few incidences of ppl forgiving a cheat, only for them to do it again further down the line.

Dh is away yet again, can anyone reassure me that 'once a cheat' does not always mean 'always a cheat'? Or is that most ppls experience?

OP posts:
wossgoinon · 03/04/2018 15:32

Hi

My partner cheated on me for a year. We tried to make it work. I found that he was on Tinder about a month ago because he was ‘bored at home’ . I finished that day. I’m just kicking myself that I should never of taken him back. Very painful

wossgoinon · 03/04/2018 15:33

Oh and I later found out that he cheated on his ex wife with her friend...

GoddessInTraining · 03/04/2018 15:34

I don’t think that if someone has cheated once that they will definitely do it again but unfortunately, that seems to be how it goes so many times.

Certainly was the case for me. My STBEX cheated several times and that’s only what I know about Hmm

In your case, your DH has broken your trust more than once, that to me is a horrible feeling - your love and trust in another being broken with no thought to the damage it does.

Smeaton · 03/04/2018 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SomeKnobend · 03/04/2018 15:39

He's already trying to do it again op, what did he want out of a drink, a game of chess? Mine hasn't, so far, but doesn't work away or go out really much (young kids). The trust is never what it was but if I even had the slightest suspicion I'd stop wasting my time. Emailing some woman for a drink? He'd be out on his arse before he knew it.

HollowTalk · 03/04/2018 15:41

I think that people don't learn their lesson if all is forgiven, tbh. Sometimes when they are dumped then they move on to the next person and are faithful, because they know what they could lose a second time.

I'm sorry but I think he's looking for an opportunity now.

esk1mo · 03/04/2018 15:46

yes with one ex, he cheated multiple times after i forgave him. together 2 years.

yes woth most recent ex, cheated after 1 year and continued to cheat for 4 years.

would never stay with someone who cheats again.

fortygin · 03/04/2018 15:56

Yes, six years later and so much worse. Sorry ☹️

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 03/04/2018 16:00

Yep.

Sorry.

tigerrun · 03/04/2018 16:04

I have seen it time and time again with friends where the cheat cheats again (and again and again if the spouse is enough of a doormat to forgive them).

I have not experienced it as once someone has cheated I would never ever respect them again enough to want to be with them so doing anything other than ending it would be pointless.

Blackbirdblue30 · 03/04/2018 16:05

I think once a cheater always a cheater. Have seen it quite a few times. They tend to be sorry they were caught, but not sorry for the cheating. Different moral code I guess.

Blackbirdblue30 · 03/04/2018 16:06

Although it is fabulous when your cheating bastard ex cheats on the OW

isthismylifenow · 03/04/2018 16:15

Yes OP, he did cheat again.

And the thing is, first time around... the trust is broken. I honestly don't think that even though you are trying again, that trust ever fully builds up again. So there are always doubts....

Well, it is how it was for me.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 03/04/2018 17:02

Sometimes it’s not about ‘forgiving’ or even being a ‘doormat’. Sometimes it’s about not having the strength to leave, or the resources. Or it just isn’t the time.

It’s just not that easy to LTB.

Every time it happens it chips away. It changes everything. It’s not weak to stay, but sometimes you have to bide your time.

When I ended my marriage it was the easiest thing in the world because the damage had long been done, every time he cheated it mattered less. And then, when I was strong enough to tackle the changes I needed to make, I did.

It’s not just the infidelity you see. It’s the gas lighting, the lies, the chipping away at your confidence.

whathaveiforgottentoday · 03/04/2018 17:05

Sometimes. Without giving much detail, I'm aware of somebody who cheated in the early days. They've gone on to have a pretty good marriage. Rare but possible. Depends on the situation.

category12 · 03/04/2018 17:09

Forgave once. Repeat offender.

CaptainCardamom · 03/04/2018 17:19

In a friend's case, yes he saw it as carte blanche to cheat as much as he fancied, as she'd let him off. Angry

For me, ex cheated very early on and we split up over it. We then got back together and had a long relationship and DC (I know – but I lurved him Hmm). I don't know for sure if he cheated again, but there were signs, like getting massively protective of his phone, flirting with exes on facebook, and being totally off radar when he went away for work. Even when things were OK I never truly trusted him.

Personalsituations99 · 03/04/2018 17:50

Yep...
He probably did cheat both times and got caught so hes lying to you!

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 03/04/2018 17:59

If somebody cheats and their partner fogives them and agrees to carry on, they effectively have the green light to do it again. Most do in my experience.

GertieMotherwell · 03/04/2018 18:04

It depends on the circumstances and how long they were originally faithful for surely. Also, this forgiving. Just because people stay together doesn’t mean to say it’s just swept under the carpet and forgotten.

My DH was faithful for 20 years before his affair. We’re nearly 3 years on and we are still moving on from it really. It’s certainly not forgiven and forgotten.
I don’t think he will cheat again but I’m prepared and it will never be the same situation as before. Nowhere near as bad.

GertieMotherwell · 03/04/2018 18:07

I also think that the people who think not leaving is giving the green light for them to do it again either haven’t dealt with it properly or didn’t bother trying to reconcile

Evie0865 · 03/04/2018 18:38

I do wonder if those who “did it again” even went through remorse and reconciliation?

It’s bizarre

I’ve had an affair. I’d never do it again. Fuck that. The pain everyone felt was unreal

Springsnake · 03/04/2018 18:46

25 yrs together.....
Ten yrs ago he cheated briefly
I thought of ending it.but we are a family.
If there is a next time I will change the locks.

LineyDancer · 03/04/2018 18:50

Yes, he's cheated serially on a string of women now, including his second wife, and left a trail of hurt behind him including DC and stepDC. He's a sad, guilty, pathetic man who has done a lot of damage.

Bloomed · 03/04/2018 18:52

You won't always find out OP!

Swipe left for the next trending thread