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Original poster

If your dp cheated on you, but you worked on it and were still together, did he do it again or not?

57 replies

FritzDonovan · 03/04/2018 15:05

Not a taat, but triggered by one!

Way back dp tried to cheat at a work conference. Not sure how far it went, he said he thought better of it and didn't (but who knows?). Got over, married with DC now. He's away a lot, was a bit 'detached' (his words) while last away, and had a friendship with a female colleague which included texting her to see if she was up for a drink (just the two of them). I wasn't best pleased, it coincided with some lies about his porn viewing etc, but no blatant evidence of any dodgy encounters (that I know of). However, the trust is again a little shaky.

Reading the other thread, there seems to be quite a few incidences of ppl forgiving a cheat, only for them to do it again further down the line.

Dh is away yet again, can anyone reassure me that 'once a cheat' does not always mean 'always a cheat'? Or is that most ppls experience?

OP posts:
NurseButtercup · 03/04/2018 19:23

I was with my ex for 10 years on and off. He cheated early on in our relationship and I forgave him. We split up for good because i discovered that he had a child with another woman when we were on "a break" - according to him it was just a coincidence that she got pregnant during the period that we were on ""a break" because I wasn't ready to have kids. Oh and it didn't count as cheating because we weren't together.

Fast forward 2 years post split, I bumped into one of my ex's friends who revealed that my ex had cheated on me throughout the entire relationship and had three kids to three different women. I'm still not sure why his friend told me - I know I had a lucky escape.

Moral of this story, once a cheater gets caught they work damn hard to cover their tracks to ensure that you don't find out.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 03/04/2018 22:22

Hmm, I had hoped there would be more positive tales, tbh. I could give reasons why I'm not convinced anything happened this time - she had mentioned having a drink herself first, he was joining as had nothing better to do (although why didn't he see what his other colleagues were doing?), it would be bad professionally if they were up to something.
As the first incident was a long time ago, apparently he was immature then, so wouldn't do it now. Given the time between then and now, I genuinely had forgiven and forgotten, and thought nothing of it until this more recent thing. I would have said I trusted him to tell me the truth about all the many times he's worked away... Hadn't come across anything dodgy, but why would I?

As a pp said though, the trust IS broken, and I don't have faith anymore. Maybe porn lies and singles drinks with someone doesn't mean much usually, but I dont get how he can't understand you need a lot of trust as the partner of someone who works away, and he should have been aware of this. Or is it just he thought I'd not know?

So frustrated and angry.

I guess there's a chance he never did anything else, but he's certainly had plenty of opportunities (and some dodgy colleagues) over the years. And obviously originally had enough motivation for a premeditated incident. So do I just hope he's one of those who regretted it enough not to do it again? I know counselling wouldn't help, as he's never admitted anything without proof, and I'd feel resentful it would be me having to trust his word, which I honestly don't think he deserves right now. But he genuinely might not have cheated again. So wait and see if anything else comes up? (Unlikely, from half a world away. )

Sorry, I'm rambling! Any advice from those who've stayed together with no further incidents?

OP posts:
Evie0865 · 03/04/2018 22:27

To be fair, a lot of those fully reconciled wouldn’t be on this thread. I think one key to surviving is not to pain shop, and focus on mending the relationship. Otherwise resentment and hurt kicks in again

category12 · 03/04/2018 22:31

But he genuinely might not have cheated again. That way madness lies really - not feeling you have a big enough reason, not enough proof or not knowing for sure can mean you stay in a holding pattern of not trusting him and being unhappy but not leaving. What's big enough? My ex would still deny some things were I to ask him about them now.

Evie0865 · 03/04/2018 22:39

I think Esther Perel does a good job at making us think about these things. I like her TED talk and book

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 03/04/2018 22:39

evie that's a v good point! Thank you!
category I know, but I don't know what else I can do. Obviously, fully trusting him again previously wasn't the best idea, as it turned out. I guess anything that pointed to him seeking company of a sexual/emotional nature would be big enough now we've had the talks and set the boundaries (which ffs why do they need pointing out by me?). But how likely is it I'll come across anything like that again.

OP posts:
Original poster
FritzDonovan · 03/04/2018 22:41

Thx evie, I'll look it up.

OP posts:
Evie0865 · 03/04/2018 22:43

Honestly someone told me to look up the TED talk and I didn’t for months, wish I had sooner

Cloudylemons · 03/04/2018 22:44

Yes

NellMangel · 03/04/2018 22:51

Yes he did. I found out once, got talked into second chance. I had concrete proof (emails with numerous escorts arranging sessions) but he never actually admitted. Said he was just looking. God knows what I was thinking.

Ten years later I discovered an affair. Then in the course of digging through online accounts in my rage, found several examples of when he'd been seeing other women throughout the past decade.

And I believe he is now cheating on the OW having been married to her for all of 3 months.

I'd never forgive a cheater again. It cost me ten years of my life.

pud1 · 03/04/2018 23:03

I met my DP when we were both 18. We bought a house together at 23 and lived together for 2 years before we BOTH cheated. We split, sold house and moved on for a year but ended up back together. That was 15 years ago. It does come up every now and then and we both say that it made us more aware of what we nearly threw away. I don’t know if it’s easier because we were both guilty but we have a good relationship now and both trust each other.

PPeppermint · 03/04/2018 23:07

My DP didn't cheat on me but he cheated on his then wife 10 years ago, they split up and got back together, he cheated on her with me 8 years later but this time he left and didn't go back.

He should never have gone back and she should never have taken him back. They didn't address their problems, just delayed the inevitable.

Dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown · 03/04/2018 23:40

He sounds lovely @PPeppermint Hmm

janaus · 03/04/2018 23:46

Yes, he did it again

PPeppermint · 03/04/2018 23:47

He is, very much so Smile

BeenthereandhavetheTshirt · 03/04/2018 23:48

I know a guy who cheated on his first wife and they got divorced. He eventually married the OW after 7 years and just over a year after marrying her he cheated on her for 7 months . They never change .

CookPassBabtridge · 04/04/2018 00:04

What's he lied about regarding the porn? Has he previously agreed not to watch it?

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 04/04/2018 00:30

Same old story re porn. Bit shocked when I first discovered he was looking up stuff he'd never mentioned to me (ha, young and naive, not like today's youngsters). Gave it a go couple wise, but he was never particularly interested in that, just perving over skinny, big boobed women. Which I was put out about (felt as if I were being excluded) and it's not like we weren't DTD. Said he'd give it up. I believed him. Occasionally asked and he denied anything. Roll on to this latest, turns out he looks at loads of stuff while away, while me and DC are both out and in the house, got to the point where he regularly just 'checks in' on sites to see what's new. And he's been lying about it for the past ten years or so. While showing no interest in anything I was, or any shared experiences. (sorry if tmi)
I understand why some ppl like it, no doubt someone will have a go about me being controlling, as that's the way these threads go. But the real issue to me was he had plenty of opportunity to look at stuff together but wasn't interested, and lied for a long stretch of time.

His explanation was he didn't think just looking at pictures was bad, and I hadn't specifically asked the exact correct questions so he didn't lie. Although he did say he wouldn't get into it again, but did, many times, so there's a lie right there. And if he twists that in his head to make it okay, what else would he do the same with?

OP posts:
OldBook · 04/04/2018 00:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Graphista · 04/04/2018 01:03

My ex cheated. I now believe he was cheating throughout our relationship I was just too dumb to notice at the time.

But with now 2nd wife it was so obvious I wonder if he wanted to get caught.

He's cheated on her several times too including propositioning me the night before their wedding, and a few years later her best friend she's known since nursery (no I don't know wtf the "friend" was thin huh either) - charmer huh

I don't know any one who's only cheated once.

Honestly op reading about your chap, if you were to split I think you need to be prepared to find out he cheated several times.

Bloomed · 04/04/2018 01:14

Regardless of whether he's cheating you don't sound happy. Are you?
You don't need evidence of cheating to leave. Being unhappy is enough.

PositiveAttitude · 04/04/2018 12:00

DH cheated but never has again. He often works away and I used to find that hard, but gradually the trust has returned. We are now 20 years post his cheating. I would say that you REALLY have to work through it together and not brush anything under the carpet. If you cant be totally honest about how you both feel about it all then I am not sure it can ever be the same again and he is likely to do it again. We worked at it intensely together and he has always known there would be no other chances.

certificateofauthenticity · 04/04/2018 12:21

I think a lot of people who have been through one affair, as the aggrieved, are thinking, ' not yet'. Trust never really fully comes back.

Certcert · 04/04/2018 14:13

Again and again.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 04/04/2018 15:24

positive how do you do that though? How did you both work on it?
We've had lots of discussion now about the recent stuff, and the initial cheating, and all he really says about that it he was young and immature, and thought it usual that men slept with more ppl than women did. Which isn't really an answer in my eyes, and implies if he has any other really rubbish ideas like that he'd act on them. Something like 'most ppl cheat when they work away' or something. Because he must have originally known cheating on your LTP was wrong, but that obviously wasn't enough to stop him planning on doing it.

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