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Original poster

Is this the end of my relationship?

64 replies

Fishwearwigs · 03/04/2018 07:53

Been going out with dp for a little less than a year. A lot has happened in that year including him coming to the end of a two year custody battle and my best friend dying after only a 3 month battle with cancer.

My parents moved 60 miles away to anglesey (quite outing but relevant as anglesey is a bit the arse end of nowhere). I have always been very close to my parents. Since my best friend died i have got no one near me excpet dp and even he lives 10 miles away. I have no other friends, no one to help out with the baby (15 months old and not dps). I really miss the support of my parents and my friend.

So basically i want to move to angelsey at some point in the next 12 months. DP doesnt. He says he doesnt want to be that far away from his son and i understand that I really do but he has everything here, his parents his friends his son and i have no one but him.

I understand his point of veiw but he wont even listen to mine. Anglesey has always been the plan. He knew that when we got together but "just presumed id change my mind".

i know this is unreasonable of me but i resent the fact hes basically making me choose between him and what i think is right for my DD and my mental health (long history of depression and anxiety which is being exacerbated by my feeling isolated atm) because he wont bend at all on what he thinks is right for his son.

Maybe moving isnt possible but dont i atleast deserve the discussion? Its only 60 miles (takes just over an hour to drive) and he will only be having his son EOW.

Where do you think i go from here? Does this sound like an impasse to you? Has anyone got similar stories of how it all worked out fine with children/stepchildren not living on the door step. I love dp dearly and with my friend only dying 3 weeks ago i dont know if im just struggling with heightened emotions but i just feel like my wants or needs arent even worth a discussion atm.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 03/04/2018 07:59

So let me get this straight? You want to do what's best for you and your DD, by moving, but you resent him for doing what's best for him and his son by not moving?

YABU. It doesn't matter that he only has his son EOW. If he doesn't want to move, he doesn't want to move. How easy would it be for his son to do those 120-mile round trips EOW? it's not his fault your parents moved away and his are still local. It's not his fault you have no friends nearby.

With hindsight, if you knew you were going to move, I'm not sure why you embarked on a relationship.

I'd ask for this to be moved to the Relationships board. AIBU can be harsh.

Fruitcorner123 · 03/04/2018 08:00

With the greatest respect I do think YABU. His son has to come first.

However your daughter has to come first for you and if you genuinely think Anglesey is the best place for her then you have to make the move.

I have so much sympathy for you and can see why you would want to have a longer conversation with him about it but dont think he is unreasonable to feel there is no point in a conversation if he is sure

Could you consider a long distance relationship? It's not that far and if you met in the middle one evening a week and saw each other at weekends would it be so bad? How old is his son? If he is older you might find He would prepared to move in a couple of years?

So sorry for the loss of your friend and being forced to make such a difficult decision.

LashingsOfHamAndGingerBeer · 03/04/2018 08:04

You should make the move. You know in your gut it is the right thing to do. If you don't, what is going to get better for you? You have to respect your DP's decision to want to remain near to his DS but he is telling you clearly (and not unreasonably) what is at the top of his tree and it's not you. If you keep him at the top of yours, you will feel resentful. Nobody can tell you whether this will spell the end for your relationship - not necessarily, I wouldn't say. But whilst your DP is 100% within his rights to put his DS' needs and his own needs first, he cannot expect that you will choose to do so. You want to move to Anglesey and feel it would be better for your MH. You need to do what is right for you and your DC, just as he is. If you don't, you will continually feel trapped and the power balance in the relationship will be off-kilter - you will be reliant on him to meet all of your needs and will have to be prepared to see him when he chooses, fitting around his life, whilst he is able to have a more fulfilling experience including family, friends, you and his DS. That's his right but it's also yours.

Schnauzermum2 · 03/04/2018 08:04

Firstly I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through and are currently experiencing. However, I don’t think you can expect DP to move away from his son. He might only have him every other weekend to stay but will want to be close by for school plays, sports days, parents evenings. When DS starts weekend clubs he will want to be close enough to do those on his weekend, to have his mates over and as he get older he’ll want DS to have the opportunity to pop over after school etc. Plus he will have to leave his support network. What about work. If you need to be near your parents then yes move but I don’t think you can expect DP to follow and either commit yourself to a LDR or break up now in what a still relatively early days

Original poster
Fishwearwigs · 03/04/2018 08:05

Thank you for the responses. shatners i dont resent that he wants to do whats best for his son, i resent that he can just veto it without a discussion. I understand i cant make him.move and tbh i wouldnt want to because that sounds like a recipe for resentment. I would be willing to try long distance but he isnt keen on the idea.

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 03/04/2018 08:08

YABU. If the roles were reversed would you move an hour away from your DD for someone you have been with less than a year?

ShatnersWig · 03/04/2018 08:10

Fish He isn't vetoing it. He's not locked you in the house preventing you from going. You clearly HAVE discussed it to some extent or a) you wouldn't know he doesn't want to move and b) you wouldn't know he isn't keen on trying a distance relationship.

You already have your answer. You want to move; he doesn't. You'd be willing to try distance; he isn't. Your relationship will end when you move.

Isetan · 03/04/2018 08:11

It’s a relatively new relationship to have such an expectation. You want different things and neither of you are in a place where you can compromise on what’s important to you.

In his position, I wouldn’t want to move either. The balls in your court not his.

WatchingFromTheWings · 03/04/2018 08:28

@ShatnersWig is spot on. He's made his decision. He's quite rightly put his son first.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 03/04/2018 08:31

Unfortunately sounds like he was never that's committed to a long term relationship with you. Move, the support from your family will be better than a half arsed relationship.

jamoncrumpets · 03/04/2018 08:35

Imagine this in reverse. Would you be prepared to live 60 miles away from your DD? You're essentially asking him to put himself in the situation that you're in now - a situation that is making you miserable.

Can you both find a place halfway between the two?!

SandraGreen · 03/04/2018 08:35

There is no way I would move to the "arse end of nowhere" on the whim of someone I had been dating less than a year.

I am really sorry that you have lost your support network. Why did your parents move away if they know how dependent you are on them with regards to your MH needs?

In your shoes I would just move and start over.

Microwavey · 03/04/2018 08:36

It's not a veto. If you were married or in a long term committed relationship with joint financial commitments etc and he was saying no, that would be a veto. But you are two people who have been a couple for a year, barely a long term relationship. You want different things in life and so your relationship will naturally come to an end when you pursue what's best for you.

notacooldad · 03/04/2018 08:37

There's nothing to discuss. He is not moving, that is clear. The ball is bow in your courtabout what you do next.
He knows what his needs are. You know what yours are.
I think you have gone through so much in such a short space of time you can't see the wood through the trees at the moment.

What about your child's father, is he not around?

It sounds like Anglesey could be good for you but don't go with the attitude that it's the arse end of nowhere!

Isetan · 03/04/2018 08:38

What would further discussion achieve? He knows and you know, where he stands on this matter. There’s no veto, you still have a choice but that choice doesn’t appear to include the relationship continuing if you decide to move.

Neither of you are wrong for wanting what you want, it’s just that both your wants are incompatible.

Namethecat · 03/04/2018 08:40

I agree with the other mn . Pre this man you were taking your daughter away to move closer to family. You already say this will be better for you both. You will have the support of your family and you have already said it will be better for your mh. This man is not even keen to try for a long distance relationship ( which Tbh isn't really that long ) so to be a little frank- he obviously doesn't want to put himself out for you, so perhaps his feelings are not as deep as you had hoped. Truthfully, I'd carry on with your plans, see it as an opportunity for yourself and your child, a new beginnings. And who knows where that will go !

ShatnersWig · 03/04/2018 08:42

Namethecat I have to take issue with this: so to be a little frank - he obviously doesn't want to put himself out for you, so perhaps his feelings are not as deep as you had hoped

Because that could EQUALLY be said about the OP not putting herself out for him by choosing to stay.

larrygrylls · 03/04/2018 08:47

Neither of you are being unreasonable. Splitting sounds like the best solution for both of you.

Not all relationships last forever and you both need to prioritise your own needs.

pigeondujour · 03/04/2018 08:53

What discussion are you hoping for? He doesn't want to move and he doesn't want to do long distance. I wouldn't either in his position and I wouldn't see what there is to discuss about it. It would just be a repetition of what's already been made clear, surely? It sounds like you've had a really shit time but honestly that's all the more reason to focus on exactly what's best for you and your baby, not trying to also consider or influence the wants and needs of a relatively new boyfriend and his child.

Namethecat · 03/04/2018 09:00

ShatnersWig
True to a degree. But by long distance I mean daily telephone calls, the odd stay over during the week. I'm not suggesting the man gave up his weekends with his son. I am simply saying an hour or thereabouts it's not a massively long distance and would be doable if both parties wanted to maintain a ld relationship.

Olympiathequeen · 03/04/2018 09:03

YABU. There’s no point in discussing it because neither of you are willing to change your mind. It is what it is.

Frankly if both of you were really committed to your relationship you would move in together and his support and the support of his wider family would be enough for you. This is the norm in relationships. Parents aren’t normally the mainstay unless there is no partner/husband. They are anadded bonus if they are nearby. I never had my parents to support me as they were too far away but DHs parents were supportive and near.

Your DP sounds very lukewarm about your relationship and I think it sounds as if it’s run it’s course anyway.

epicclusterfuck · 03/04/2018 09:05

What about work? Are there jobs in the 'arse end of nowhere'?

Viviennemary · 03/04/2018 09:07

Your parents have moved away. I don't think you can expect your partner to follow them to a place where he doesn't want to live. Especially which would mean moving away from his child which you seem to dismiss as hardly important.

You need to decide if you want to stay with your partner or leave to be near your parents. I see you are not even living with your DP at present and he is living a distance away from you. Under the particular circumstances you describe I'd say YABU to expect him to move with you. .

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 03/04/2018 09:09

Definitely go to Anglesey, right now, it's where you need to be. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your dear friend.💐
You have been with your boyfriend less than a year, but it appears that this is the end of the road. Move on, you both have different needs, both are equally valid.

diddl · 03/04/2018 09:10

Well as you put, it's only 60 miles-so why do you have to move there & not just visit your parents?