Is this the end of my relationship?

[Fishwearwigs]

Been going out with dp for a little less than a year. A lot has happened in that year including him coming to the end of a two year custody battle and my best friend dying after only a 3 month battle with cancer.

My parents moved 60 miles away to anglesey (quite outing but relevant as anglesey is a bit the arse end of nowhere). I have always been very close to my parents. Since my best friend died i have got no one near me excpet dp and even he lives 10 miles away. I have no other friends, no one to help out with the baby (15 months old and not dps). I really miss the support of my parents and my friend.

So basically i want to move to angelsey at some point in the next 12 months. DP doesnt. He says he doesnt want to be that far away from his son and i understand that I really do but he has everything here, his parents his friends his son and i have no one but him.

I understand his point of veiw but he wont even listen to mine. Anglesey has always been the plan. He knew that when we got together but "just presumed id change my mind".

i know this is unreasonable of me but i resent the fact hes basically making me choose between him and what i think is right for my DD and my mental health (long history of depression and anxiety which is being exacerbated by my feeling isolated atm) because he wont bend at all on what he thinks is right for his son.

Maybe moving isnt possible but dont i atleast deserve the discussion? Its only 60 miles (takes just over an hour to drive) and he will only be having his son EOW.

Where do you think i go from here? Does this sound like an impasse to you? Has anyone got similar stories of how it all worked out fine with children/stepchildren not living on the door step. I love dp dearly and with my friend only dying 3 weeks ago i dont know if im just struggling with heightened emotions but i just feel like my wants or needs arent even worth a discussion atm.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. He, naturally, wants to stay near his son, and you want to go to be closer to your family. Neither of you are wrong, you just want different things.

I happily moved an hour from my family to be with DP, but I don't have a child to consider. If I did have a child and their parent lived 10 minutes away, I wouldn't be moving unless I had absolutely no choice in the matter. Your DP wants to be near his child - and quite rightly too. It means he can be there for emergencies, school plays, parents evening and it means contact is MUCH easier than it would be if it involved an hours travel each way EOW.

In the nicest way, you've not even been together for a year. If a man came on here and said he was moving an hour away from his child for his girlfriend of 10/11 months, he'd get a mass load of abuse. You can't expect him to move for you when he has a child.

If neither of you are willing to travel and make the relationship work, then you might have to accept it's over. DP did a lot of driving back/forth to see me when we first met (I didn't drive and there was no public transport between our towns) and it was doable, even if it meant we didn't see each other as much as we'd like. An hour really isn't that bad if you both want to make it work.

60 miles is nothing surely if all involved want to work at the relationship?

YABVU, I wouldn't move sixty miles from my children for a boyfriend.

It's all about what suits you and you're making out he's awful for not towing the line.

Good on him for putting his son first over his sex life.

I would think long term about things here. If you move, you are then going to be stuck in a place where you are even less likely to make new friends and the same for your DD.

I would stay where you are, build on your relationship and on your local friends base (toddler groups now that your daughter is at the right age to start going to soft play etc).

Hi, we're moving this thread out of AIBU and into our Relationships topic at the OP's request.

"I understand his point of veiw but he wont even listen to mine. Anglesey has always been the plan. He knew that when we got together but "just presumed id change my mind". " (my bolding)

That to me is the key information. He has always been aware that you would be moving to Anglesey. But he's so self-centred that he assumed you'd ditch this just to stay close (10 miles!) to wonderful, wonderful him.

Honestly, you're dodging a bullet here. This is not a relationship, this is a man who likes everything to be convenient for him. And he's unconcerned whether you stay (he'd assumed you'd change your mind about moving) or go (he has no intention of following). I'm sorry Fishwearwigs, but it looks to me like you filled a gap in calendar . In his mind this was a temporary relationship with a predetermined end-date.

Be glad you've only wasted a year with him. Move to Anglesey, you'll be much happier there. DO NOT STICK AROUND FOR THIS MAN. He really really isn't worth it.

Where Now I've read everything. He's self centred for putting his relationship and convenience of seeing his son first above a year-long relationship???

By the same token, did the OP presume this bloke would just up sticks to Anglesey at whatever point the OP decided she was going to go there regardless? She might just have easily changed her mind if things were going really well where she is. Maybe - sensibly - he thought "let's see how things go" rather than saying "no, I'm not even going to date you", especially bearing in mind his two-year custody battle.

Let's be honest - she wants to go "at some point in the next 12 months". The relationship might not last that course anyway regardless of this issue, it's not been a year yet.

They want different things, neither of them is a bad person FFS.

I see where where's coming from about him presuming the OP would change her mind and stay. However I have met lots of people who have had plans about moving on and have never done so. It's not a an unreasonable think to think.

In this scenario, I do think nobody is wrong, they just want different things.
The only thing I would advice, and it has been mentioned before is that the OP perhaps doesn't make the decision just yet. She has been through a lot in a short space of time and it is dead easy to make knee jerk changes thinking that will make everything better. Maybe spend some time taking care of yourself and revisit the move to Anglesey in a few months. Just a suggestion before anyone bites my head off!

Considering he had a 2 year custody battle, he's not going to jeopardise that by moving 60 miles away. The child's mother might decide that it's too far for their son to travel EOW, and stop access again.

There really is no point in having a discussion, as he's said he won't move. The fact that he also doesn't want a LDR, shows that he's not as invested in this relationship as OP is.

Sorry for what you've been through OP, and that things have come to this.

Thank you every one for your kinds words. It has helped me get things in a bit better prespective. I think everyone who said i should wait a few months before making a decision about moving so i dont make it full of grief are right. Everything looks a bit dark atm and i think im looking for an escape so i think giving it time will clear things up.

Ultimately it depends on what you want long term, but maybe give it a bit more time, you still need to grieve for your friend and this could be affecting your judgement at the moment.
I'd not expect a partner of less than a year to move that far away from his family, and presumably his job.

Anglesey is a lovely place, but depending on which end your parents are, it will add a lot of time onto your commute (a large percentage of people who live on Anglesey will probably work on the mainland). Bank Holidays, the summer, certain peak times it's an absolute nightmare to get on and off the island with the bottle neck at the bridge. I'd never live there purely as the commute would do my head in.

There is a Facebook group for networking with other women on Anglesey so you should find plenty of ideas and opportunities to meet new people.

Just to add my 2 pence worth, yes i think you're being unreasonable in wanting him to move. Its not just a 60 mile trip, it would be double that each way over a weekend for whoever does pick up or drop off - if its so little distance to you then you can do long distance relationship, or you could visit your parents regularly but you know its not that simple/easy. You're grieving which is bloody horrible, is there anyway you can give where you are another year or so and really try and make where you are your home?

Angelsey is beautiful all year round, especially during the Summer months. However it relies heavily on the tourist industry and is very quiet during the Winter months. I would imagine many of the locals have a long commute to work off the island.
Have you considered what you would do for work or what your partner would do for employment if he agreed to the move? I believe jobs are scarce on Angelsey and possibly go to locals and welsh speakers first.
There would be the long school holidays to take your child to stay with his grandparents which would be lovely.
Your parents wont be around forever, perhaps now is the time to build your own life and perhaps you should think about where this relationship could go in the future.

Hi OP
Sorry for the loss of your friend.
In regards to your dp,you have to let him decide and he has definitely decided so now accept that and think about the move.
How much support will you have apart from your parents?you mentioned the plan all along was to return to this beautiful place,are your parents very old?how long will they be able to support you before it becomes the other way round?
Big decisions after a bereavement are not always the best ones,can you give yourself a little time to think this through?
It is difficult to advise you not knowing the full story but I hope you make the right decision for you and your dc.