Is this the end of my relationship?

[Fishwearwigs]

Been going out with dp for a little less than a year. A lot has happened in that year including him coming to the end of a two year custody battle and my best friend dying after only a 3 month battle with cancer.

My parents moved 60 miles away to anglesey (quite outing but relevant as anglesey is a bit the arse end of nowhere). I have always been very close to my parents. Since my best friend died i have got no one near me excpet dp and even he lives 10 miles away. I have no other friends, no one to help out with the baby (15 months old and not dps). I really miss the support of my parents and my friend.

So basically i want to move to angelsey at some point in the next 12 months. DP doesnt. He says he doesnt want to be that far away from his son and i understand that I really do but he has everything here, his parents his friends his son and i have no one but him.

I understand his point of veiw but he wont even listen to mine. Anglesey has always been the plan. He knew that when we got together but "just presumed id change my mind".

i know this is unreasonable of me but i resent the fact hes basically making me choose between him and what i think is right for my DD and my mental health (long history of depression and anxiety which is being exacerbated by my feeling isolated atm) because he wont bend at all on what he thinks is right for his son.

Maybe moving isnt possible but dont i atleast deserve the discussion? Its only 60 miles (takes just over an hour to drive) and he will only be having his son EOW.

Where do you think i go from here? Does this sound like an impasse to you? Has anyone got similar stories of how it all worked out fine with children/stepchildren not living on the door step. I love dp dearly and with my friend only dying 3 weeks ago i dont know if im just struggling with heightened emotions but i just feel like my wants or needs arent even worth a discussion atm.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

I think instead of you moving and being near your parents, you need to start forging a life of your own. It's great that you are close to them but eventually they won't be here and you'll be older and stuck even more in a rut with no friends etc plus in the arse end of no where

I’m really sorry to hear about your best friend, I’d be devastated by the loss of my BF too 💐

There’s no way, right after losing her, I’d be making any life changing decisions. I know some I made after other bereavements weren’t my wisest ones. Maybe leave the decision for a bit.

As others have said, I don’t blame your DP for not wanting to move away from his DS. I wouldnt either, for all the reasons started...nursery/school, events, possibly more contact when things settle down with his Ex, just being near if he’s unwell or asks to see Daddy, being nearby when he’s older and has more sway with how much he sees his Dad.

I guess he thought that when you and he were in a more established place you’d be less lonely and less likely to want to move to be near your parents. I don’t blame him, I’d have probably thought the same too.

I wouldn’t want to move to a LDR with someone either, not when that’s the long term outlook. I’ve done LDR, it’s hard, but it’s ok if the plan isn’t permanent.

In Anglesey, which IS the arse end of nowhere, you’ll have your parents, but you won’t have him. You’ll need to make friends whether you move there or stay where you are. What are job prospects like for you in Anglesey? What’s ‘life’ like there? It wouldn’t be for me, I’d visit my parents for holidays.

I think you really need to forget it for a little while, grieve for your friend, then when you think about it again have a proper think about whether your parents being there is really enough of a reason to move. If they kare bed again, would you be happy in Anglesey?

Take care & try not to take the harsh posts to heart, AIBU, is a bit rough at times 💐

It's not a great idea to make major life changes after a bereavement... Can you leave it a couple of months and then see how you feel?

Or what @annie said, in more words!

If you'd been living together for a few years then it would be reasonable to want at least a long conversation about moving, but you haven't been. You're not living together now, and you've only been together under a year.

Now, think about it the other way around. If he wanted to move to Devon, say, or Shetland. How long a conversation would you be willing to have about that? Would he even ask? I wonder about that, as I'm not sure he'd even have the expectation of your moving with him.

I don't think you are going to like my response here!

This is still a relatively new relationship. You live separately and you both have children. Both of you need to do what is right for yourselves and for your own children. For you and your DC that is moving to be near your parents. For him and his DC that's staying where he is.

Neither of you is being unreasonable, you both just need different things. This is a relationship that has run it's course. You could flog it to death and get bitter and angry with each other arguing about whose needs should come first. Or you could accept that it has run its course and both do what each of you needs.

You have a very simple choice to make. DP or 'the arse end of nowhere'. You should make it before your dp makes it for you.

I think the most important point is that made by a PP: as the children get older they will get involved with sports etc that will mean they want to be near their primary residence. I think he is right to remain near his child.
You must do what is right for you. Could you give it a bit longer to see how it pans out with your man? As your relationship strengthens could you imagine becoming closer to his family and friends?
FWIW my husband drives 60 miles each way to work every day! It’s not a huge distance. Also, I love Anglesey!

Just go to Anglesey and finish the realtionship.You will meet another partner and make new friends anyway if you put the effort in. I wouldnt be bothered as you have no committment to each other anyway.
If he was really in love with you he would work something out, hes not so dont give him anymore of your time.

Both of you are decent people putting your children first. Be happy you loved a good man. Move away physically and mentally. Put your energy into your new life,

I'm so sorry about your friend, OP. I understand this is a really tough time for you.

I do think though that if it's only an hour's drive, access to your parents is still then very manageable? I think most would agree it's more important to spend lots of time with a young son than for a grown-up daughter to see her parents every week regardless of the individual circumstances (e.g. MH issues).
I'm not sure I would expect even a married childless partner to move to a remote place so that I could have more contact with my parents. It would really be a massive sacrifice on their part and I wouldn't push again once DP had said no, as I'd have been asking with the expectation that it would be a no. In any case, wouldn't you think rather less of someone who moved away from his son to please a partner he'd known a year? I totally understand that he sees this as one of those situations where a discussion isn't appropriate.

And if he's spent 2 years trying to get fair access to his son, it's natural that he'd be a frame of mind where he'd automatically disregard the idea of restricting contact with his son, something that he's been fighting for since before he met you. From a practical angle, the legal decision taken re: custody must have been based on his current situation (inc. location), too, which may also be a consideration?

If you're talking custody battles, I'm assuming the son is still fairly young - I realise you want to move partly specifically because you need support with the baby, but still, couldn't you postpone the discussion for when the son is a bit older? So not put a lid on it entirely, but ask to revisit, and stay where you are for now? In any case, best not to make any final decisions now, as it's normal that you're feeling fragile and vulnerable. However, I would look into bereavement counselling if you haven't already done so (+ ways of getting support with your baby), or your low mood may persist in the same vein and you may find it difficult to continue gaining perspective, so decisions made even later along the line would still be 'snap' IYSWIM, as they'd be made in the same 'locked in' frame of mind (just speaking from previous experience of depression/anxiety).

Wouldn't it be better to look for stories of people with small children who have built up a new support network? Wouldn't you still be quite isolated if you move, as I can't imagine there'd be many opportunities to meet new people there if it's as remote as you say? There may very well be loads of success stories about parents living away from their children, but your DP has said this isn't right for him, and so these wouldn't be applicable here. Do you understand where he's coming from? It does strike me as a little bit unfair that you're trying to gather 'evidence' to change his mind instead of really listening to him (apologies if I'm misinterpreting).

I guess my take is that while I have a lot of sympathy for you, I think it would be better to take resentment towards your DP out of the equation, as he's done nothing you could reasonably reproach him for. If you take this element out (blame), it could make communication a little less fraught. At the moment he must be swinging between resenting you for not understanding his POV and second guessing himself, while you are doing the same thing, and that kind of unsynced 'oscillation' is vv. frustrating and fruitless.

If he was really in love with you he would work something out, hes not so don't give him anymore of your time.

Brilliant, isn't it? We hear about loads of crap dads on MN. Here's one who wants to stay near his son, is putting his son first over a relatively new relationship, and he's still the bad guy.

It always feels like people want to turn a no into a yes when they plea for 'discussion', where the other party has very clear red lines. If he wants to put being near his son first, then what is there to discuss? You can't discuss the matter out of existence.

I would move without hesitation really. I know it’s difficult to end a relationship but you haven’t been together a year yet and there’s no way he should move 60+ miles just to accommodate you. He’s thinking of what’s best for his DC as you are yours. It’s not relevant how often he has his DC, only that he doesn’t want to be 60+ miles away from them at any given moment which is perfectly understandable. Plus if your relationship naturally ended anyway, he would have the rigmarole of moving back.

You have nothing else chaining you to the place where you are, I would go to be near your parents. It doesn’t have to be in Anglesey itself though but closer. Make sure you find some sort of parenting groups or something along those lines to make some new friends. I’m sure you’ll blossom with family closer. Sorry for the loss of your friend .

Yanbu and he isn't either. Its a horrible situation. Just go, be where you need to be x

If you were currently all in Anglesey where you have sort, but his family were 60 miles away - would you move 60 miles away from your child and your support for him?

Could you move halfway? 30 miles isn't far, I do that regularly for work.

You’re still in a very fragile state, having lost your friend so recently.

Why don’t you go and stay with your parents for a while, take time to evaluate things and see how you feel with a break from DP?

Moving away might well be what you need to do for your own well-being, but you cannot expect him to follow you when he has his own commitments, the most important one being his DC.

You mustn’t make a decision like this, or put your DP in this position when you’re so overwhelmed with grief. It’s not fair on either of you now, or in the long run.

Ultimately, it may be best for the both of you if you bid each other a fond farewell and go your separate ways. You need the support of your family and he needs to be near his DC, regardless of how often he's scheduled to see him.

Wishing you the very best.

There's no right or wrong here OP, and no-one is being unreasonable. The two of you want different things and your priorities don't match.

You do need to put yourself first. You've had very rough time and you have to do what is best for you. And your DP needs to do what is best for him.

In the gentlest way possible, YABU.

He is doing what any parent should do and putting his child first. To be honest, I wouldn't think much of any man who agreed to move an hour away from his son because his girlfriend (who he has known for less than a year) wants to be closer to her parents. I completely understand your desire to be near your parents but it doesn't trump your DP's need to be local to his son, nowhere near.

I also think you need to be honest with yourself when you say you just want to discuss it further. Why? You want to move and he doesn't so what more is there to discuss? Clearly, you're hoping you can change his mind. He has done the decent thing by giving you a clear and unequivocal ""no" here. Surely that's better than stringing you along and giving you false hope?

Your DP has been very clear that he's not moving and doesn't want a LDR so any further discussion won't change the fact you have two choices. You either stay where you are for the sake of the relationship or you end the relationship, move to Anglesey and focus on building a life for yourself there.

It must be a hard choice for you but looking at the whole picture i have to say i admire the man for not just thinking about his needs and moving. My stbxh has moved an hour away with a new woman and her children. Its caused all sorts of problems for him seeing the children. This he did not consider!! im not saying that it carnt work but his priority (as yours is) should be his child. As for moving forward, it is quite mean of him to not even want to discuss it, its your future that hes refusing to discuss.

YABU - but I say this gently, as I understand why you are upset and why you feel you need to move. But then, I understand why he feels he needs to stay. You're essentially asking him to give up the thing you are seeking. I don't see how you can compromise on this - nor should you. My first marriage broke down in part because my husband ended up 40 miles away from his family and friends, and that was too much.

I kind of agree with the pp who said you should try and forge a life for yourself though, if you feel able. She's right - your parents won't be around forever, and then what? You'll be stuck in the arse end of nowhere.

But only if you feel strong enough. And not necessarily with your current DP - though if things are otherwise going well, there's no reason why not. Could you build a network where you are?

If you'r only an hour from Anglesey, are you really that isolated from your parents?

Have you looked into local mother and baby groups for support? It can be a great way to make friends.

You lost me when you called Anglesey the Arse end of nowhere. It might be rural, but I am Anglesey born and bred, and desperate to move back.

BUT- what will you do for work? Jobs can be limited unless you are Welsh speaking and the vast majority of schools are Welsh medium. Your DD is young enough to start in the Welsh system and be bilingual if that is what you want, but if you want an English medium education, you might be better looking at a halfway point.

But Anglesey is a lovely place to live, I can't wait to move back

I'm predicting you currently live in Cheshire/Shropshire/Liverpool area?