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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My ex is dying - what should I do?

58 replies

northernlights0710 · 02/04/2018 22:48

Hello,

I've known for a while my ex-DP was ill. He has cancer. But I heard yesterday from my sister that he has been given only a couple of weeks at the most.

We broke up 20 years ago because he was cheating. My sister - who is married to my ex's best friend, knew he was cheating but didn't tell me - I found out the truth years later. But that's another story.

I've run into my ex from time to time because of his friendship with my sister and brother-in-law and we got on well, despite my mixed feelings about the past. He is remarried to a very nice woman, who I've met and who I like, and they have a young child. (The wife was not the OW.)

I will always be grateful that when my mother died - a long time after we'd split up - he came to her funeral and sent me a sympathy card. I appreciated the gesture.

I know this might sound ridiculous, because I never know the right thing to say or do, but should I send him a card saying I'm thinking of him and praying for him and his family? Or should I leave well alone? I don't want to upset his wife, who's a good friend of my sister and brother-in-law. Or muscle in on a situation where I'm not wanted or needed.

I just wondered if anyone had been in this situation before?

OP posts:

retirednow · 02/04/2018 22:52

Why don't you speak to your sister and see what she thinks as she is a good friend of your ex wife. I am sorry he is so poorly, it's never easy when it's someone we have known and love.

ReginaPhalange2 · 02/04/2018 22:52

Sorry not a nice situation.

I would leave well alone and if it’s ok, go to show your respects ina few weeks.

I imagine his every viable waking minute he will be wanting to spend with his wife and child and thoughts only to them and his family.

Sorry it’s a crap situation

PurpleWithRed · 02/04/2018 22:52

If he was just a friend would you send him a card?

FrancisUnderwood · 02/04/2018 22:52

I haven't been in this situation but my gut feeling here is to leave it, quietly think of him and when the time comes mark it in your own way.

I think his current wife might find the contact inappropriate maybe.

sockunicorn · 02/04/2018 22:53

I havnt been in this situation but I think, based on your past and the support he gave, you have every right to send the card. If youve met the wife a few times and get on fine then I dont see an issue with a card/letter.

WonderWhippet · 02/04/2018 23:09

I would send a card. I can't see how a card is inappropriate at this time as others have said. You've met his wife so she knows who you are. It's not as if you're suggesting visiting him and spending time together!

I think I would regret not sending a card, the man is dying - you were a part of his life and remained in contact.

chocatoo · 02/04/2018 23:12

Maybe a letter or card to him and his wife together? Something like ‘dear Alice and John, I just wanted to write to say how very sorry I was to hear about your situation and to let you both know that you are in my thoughts and prayers...if there is anything I can help with, etc., etc.’ .?

SandyY2K · 03/04/2018 00:08

I'd do nothing personally.

Jon66 · 03/04/2018 00:11

I would drop a note in to his wife and say I'm so sorry to hear this, let me know if you need anything and tell x we are thinking of him.

Donotbequotingmeinbold · 03/04/2018 00:15

I think I would leave him alone. He is with his wife and child. He would contact you if he wanted to.

Fevs · 03/04/2018 00:22

I think I would definitely send a card. You were a part of each other’s lives and are still loosely connected now too.
You are more likely to regret not sending a card (if you don’t) rather than feeling any regret at sending one.

Freyanna · 03/04/2018 00:33

This happened to me, I sent a card and was invited by the family to visit my ex. (At his request, but they were happy for me to see him).

I visited once to say goodbye.

I also went to the funeral.

Original poster

northernlights0710 · 03/04/2018 00:46

Thanks everyone. Lots to think about here.

OP posts:

Linning · 03/04/2018 00:55

I would send a card as I think I would be very touched to receive one if I was in his situation. I would also probably regret not sending a card to anyone who had been an important part of my life before they died if I had had the opportunity to but didn't take it.
It may also bring him a bit of peace knowing you have fully moved on from how he behaved in your relationship and hold no resentment.

Can't see the hurt in sending a thoughtful card saying you are praying for him and his family and are thinking about them.

Changedname3456 · 03/04/2018 01:05

I think you should send a card. Too many people don’t handle the impending death or serious illness of friends and acquaintances very well, hiding away from contact which leaves the surviving relatives feeling they’ve been left high and dry.

Your ex’s wife will appreciate the thought behind the card and she’s not going to feel threatened by a 20-years-past ex in this situation.

pallisers · 03/04/2018 01:09

I probably wouldn't. If you aren't in contact with him on a regular basis then you don't need to contact him because he is dying - unless you are close enough to offer practical support/help etc.

But if you do and send a kind "heard you were very ill, thinking of you, let me know if there is anything I can do for your family" I'd say they'll appreciate it.

But if he dies, I would send a note to his wife saying you send your condolences, you were an old friend and you always appreciated his kindness = as shown when your mum died and he showed up and sent a card.

M0RVEN · 03/04/2018 01:10

I agree, send a card to them both . If he sent a card and attended your mothers funeral, he is obviously the kind of person who feels such things are important .

UpOver · 03/04/2018 01:15

I would t send anything. If he only has a couple of weeks and don’t think he or his family will have time to spare to register cards from people who aren’t that close to them. I think you could have sent a best wishes card when you first heard he had cancer but not just now. Once he dies then I think you can send a card.

The only reason to send a card is to make him and or the family feel better or supported. It shouldn’t be because of your needs. Iyswim

UpOver · 03/04/2018 01:18

Also, if you do end up sending a card I wouldn’t offer to help out. I think it’s normal and kind to offer to help out if the people you are contacting are friends or family but as you don’t really know the family I think it would be odd. There is nothing wrong with a simple card offering your sympathy and your thoughts.

simpson · 03/04/2018 01:35

I would send a card addressed to both of them (but run it past your sister first).

SpringNowPlease2018 · 03/04/2018 01:39

As he was at your mums funeral, if you want to send a card, then I'd do that.

Doubletrouble99 · 03/04/2018 01:58

Definitely send a card or write a letter. I always feel it is so poor when people think the best thing is to do nothing. It is the grown up thing to do. He was a major part of your life and you his. I can't see how anyone would take offence and in fact I would think very highly of you.
I always remember my mother being very upset about people who don't know what to say in these circumstances and her telling me how people she knew well crossed the street rather than speak to her when my dad was terminally ill! Don't be that person, you may live to regret it. When he has gone it's too late.

Lacucuracha · 03/04/2018 01:58

Is he bedridden? Is he aware of his surroundings / people around him?

How long has he been ill for?

If he has been ill for some time, I would send a card. The normal rules don't apply at such times. A kind word from someone he was once close to can mean alot.

If his wife doesn't want him to see the card, she will intercept it.

Lacucuracha · 03/04/2018 01:59

I agree DoubleTrouble

AcrossthePond55 · 03/04/2018 02:20

Could you ask your sister or BiL to pass on a message that you are thinking of them (ex and wife) and so sorry that they are having to deal with this? Then you could follow up with a card if they were receptive to the message.

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