My ex is dying - what should I do?

[northernlights0710]

Hello,

I've known for a while my ex-DP was ill. He has cancer. But I heard yesterday from my sister that he has been given only a couple of weeks at the most.

We broke up 20 years ago because he was cheating. My sister - who is married to my ex's best friend, knew he was cheating but didn't tell me - I found out the truth years later. But that's another story.

I've run into my ex from time to time because of his friendship with my sister and brother-in-law and we got on well, despite my mixed feelings about the past. He is remarried to a very nice woman, who I've met and who I like, and they have a young child. (The wife was not the OW.)

I will always be grateful that when my mother died - a long time after we'd split up - he came to her funeral and sent me a sympathy card. I appreciated the gesture.

I know this might sound ridiculous, because I never know the right thing to say or do, but should I send him a card saying I'm thinking of him and praying for him and his family? Or should I leave well alone? I don't want to upset his wife, who's a good friend of my sister and brother-in-law. Or muscle in on a situation where I'm not wanted or needed.

I just wondered if anyone had been in this situation before?

@vitalogy - maybe it depends on how much energy you have ? When out child was dying we spent most of each day at his bedside in hospital and caring for out other young children.

I found it very difficult when his head teacher ( who barely knew him and I didn’t know at all, as she was new ) was in tears and expected me to comfort her .

I believe that we need to OFFER support to those who are closer than us to the person who is unwell / dying. And look for our own support to those who are less close. Rather than the other way around.

It’s not about being natural or unnatural. It’s not about ‘ not showing emotions ‘. It’s about when we show them .

But of course there are no rules, only customs and traditions. And each social group will have its own idea of the kindest and best way to behave .

This is just based on my own experience and I know that others will be different.

Based on what some posters on here said about possibly having regrets if I didn't send a card, I decided to send my ex a text message, as my sister had said a card wouldn't get there in time. I got his number from a mutual male friend, who'd also texted him.

Sadly, he had already died by the time I sent it this morning, as I found out later today. But I am glad I sent it because his DW saw it. She didn't text me back but sent a message via my sister to say that she deeply appreciated my message.

Whatever our differences, I can't believe he's gone. Cancer is so brutal, so shocking and so final.

I’m sorry for your loss and for that of his family and close friends.

Send a card.

So sorry for your loss

Send a card but leave it at that. A card is not intrusive and might offer some comfort to his new family. Anything more than that might upset his new wife but as time as passed by I would really hope she wouldn’t be so upset by a friendly gesture especially since he has done similar for you.