Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My ex is dying - what should I do?

58 replies

northernlights0710 · 02/04/2018 22:48

Hello,

I've known for a while my ex-DP was ill. He has cancer. But I heard yesterday from my sister that he has been given only a couple of weeks at the most.

We broke up 20 years ago because he was cheating. My sister - who is married to my ex's best friend, knew he was cheating but didn't tell me - I found out the truth years later. But that's another story.

I've run into my ex from time to time because of his friendship with my sister and brother-in-law and we got on well, despite my mixed feelings about the past. He is remarried to a very nice woman, who I've met and who I like, and they have a young child. (The wife was not the OW.)

I will always be grateful that when my mother died - a long time after we'd split up - he came to her funeral and sent me a sympathy card. I appreciated the gesture.

I know this might sound ridiculous, because I never know the right thing to say or do, but should I send him a card saying I'm thinking of him and praying for him and his family? Or should I leave well alone? I don't want to upset his wife, who's a good friend of my sister and brother-in-law. Or muscle in on a situation where I'm not wanted or needed.

I just wondered if anyone had been in this situation before?

OP posts:
Twogoround · 03/04/2018 03:06

Do you share children?

NoKnownFather · 03/04/2018 03:29

I could not let this opportunity pass and think it would be quite rude to 'do nothing' which you will probably regret when it's too late. It's really horrible when a loved one is dying and people take the easy way out and you are left totally isolated.

I would buy a nice 'Thinking of you' card and write a message to both your ExDH and his DW and mail it, rather than give it to anyone else to pass on because people often interfere if they don't think 'it's the right thing to do'.

Just a simple handwritten message in the card ending with 'if there's anything you can do, please get in touch' and sign off with your name and phone number. That way you are not being pushy and it leaves the door open for his DW to get in touch if/when she wishes, the choice is hers.

Imho, if you don't send a card now he will never know your feelings and really he did something nice for you when your DM died, which I think shows he cared and has been the bigger person by putting your past history aside.

Once he dies I would send a sympathy card to the family. So many people don't get in touch when someone is in his situation, and tbh, it hurts and my thoughts about the 'do nothing' people slipped further down the ladder.

You must be suffering too, so be kind to yourself as even though you are no longer married, you did share a lot.

Flowers

Blogwoman · 03/04/2018 03:56

Agree with DoubleTrouble. Flowers

echt · 03/04/2018 04:50

On the principle that you're more likely to regret what you don't do rather than what you do, the advice of Doubletrouble and NotKnownFather is excellent.

Your past life together, coupled with present cordial relations makes this entirely right. His imminent death makes it more urgent.

Thanks
greendale17 · 03/04/2018 05:33

I would leave well alone. He has his wife and child to focus on. Not an ex from the past

Angelf1sh · 03/04/2018 05:41

I’d definitely send a card to him and his wife saying you’re thinking of him. A letter might be a bit much to cope with in the circumstances. My friend died recently and whilst she wasn’t able to respond to messages, she appreciated receiving them.

Vitalogy · 03/04/2018 05:52

I'd send a card.

BettyBooper · 03/04/2018 06:01

Send a card. Having spent a great deal of time with my FIL in his final days, it was my experience that the kind thoughts of others were massively appreciated. I think you'll regret not sending one. Don't wait until after he has died to get in touch.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 03/04/2018 06:44

I'd send a card, addressed to them both, inside and out. Just a simple 'thinking of you at this time' is unlikely to be seen as some sort of weird interfering in their special family time, and I can't imagine could be resented. As I assume his wife will be sorting the post, it gives her the chance to pass it on, or not.

Bluebelle38 · 03/04/2018 07:36

If he cares enough to visit your dying parent, why would you not visit? I find a card (sent to to both when he is still alive) a truly horrendous idea. Go see him, show compassion to someone who clearly despite mistakes cared for you. Once he's gone there will be no more opportunities. Let him know he touched your life.

Olddear · 03/04/2018 07:50

I wouldn't send a card nor would I offer any offers of help. He has a wife and family who will be doing all they can for him, if he's at home they have help from Marie Curie nurses etc.
I would send a letter afterwards to offer condolences.

Olddear · 03/04/2018 07:50

*may have help from MC nurses.

OutsideContextProblem · 03/04/2018 07:59

“So sorry to hear of X’s illness, my thoughts are with you both at this time.
I still remember X’s kindness at the time of my mother’s funeral which meant so much to me
Love and best wishes
Y”

sandgrown · 03/04/2018 08:04

I met my niece's in laws at family occasions and we got on well. When I heard the husband was dying I sent a letter as I live some distance away. It did not arrive before he died but his wife sent me a message to say how much she appreciated the thought .

Addy2 · 03/04/2018 08:05

I'd send a card, but not visit. Visiting takes up valuable time and he probably wants to spend what he has left with his nearest and dearest.

juneau · 03/04/2018 08:08

Yes, send a card. That's not intrusive or inappropriate - particularly as he came to your DM's funeral and you appreciated it. Don't be afraid to reach out and let him and his family know that you're thinking of them.

RainyApril · 03/04/2018 08:44

I would send a card. People are rarely offended or upset by a kind, thoughtful gesture.

He probably agonised over what to do when you lost your mother, yet you were touched by his decision to contact you.

It takes seconds to read a card, and I cannot envision any scenario where it could be considered inappropriate if correctly worded.

SouthWestmom · 03/04/2018 11:15

The mothers funeral is a red herring really - he is the best friend of op's sister and husband so may well have gone more to support them.

It all depends doesn't it - how long were you together, did you have children, how often did you meet?

We occasionally bump into my husbands ex wife. It would be weird for her to visit or send me a card if dh was ill.

Doubletrouble99 · 03/04/2018 11:53

It certainly wouldn't be 'weird' if my DH's ex sent a card or visited. I would really appreciate it.
Noeuf - I think you are just looking for excuses not to do anything. OP has already said that she gets on fine with Ex's wife.

SouthWestmom · 03/04/2018 11:58

@Doubletrouble99 what investment would I have in op doing nothing? What an odd suggestion. I'm giving an opinion on the limited facts which is why I asked some questions.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/04/2018 13:10

Outsidecontext's message is perfect.

Original poster
northernlights0710 · 04/04/2018 01:59

Thanks everyone for your kind input. Sorry for my absence but I've had a major leak in my home to deal with over the past 24 hours. A small thing in the grand scheme of things.

I spoke to my sister this morning to see what she thought I should do and she was very upset because she'd gone to see my ex yesterday with her DH (my ex's best friend).

She told me she didn't think he would be alive long enough to get any card I might send and that she believed she had seen him for the last time. She and her DH had cried at his bedside. He is suffering terribly and told them he is ready to go. He is not expected to survive the next few days.

He's only in his 50s. I have been fighting back tears all day and have been willing him in my mind to fight it (the cancer) but I know it is too late for that. I don't want him to die and it makes me so sad to hear of his suffering. I've been praying for him and his family.

My sister said that she told him I was thinking of him and that I wished him all the best and she said he gave a big smile. I'm happy that at least he got my message and knows that he's in my thoughts.

I will send his wife a card. Thanks for your advice everyone.

OP posts:
M0RVEN · 04/04/2018 06:18

I’m sorry to hear how ill he is and that he’s in pain. That’s truly awful and no one should have to go through that.

I know it must be so distressing for his best friend and your sister. But they need to try not to cry in front of him , it’s not fair, he has enough to deal with himself without having to comfort them and deal with their grief.

Even if / when he seems to be unconscious. Hearing is the last sense to go and we don’t know what peope can hear.

They need to be strong in front of him and cry when they are alone. There will be enough time for tears when he’s gone.

Same at the funeral. They need to support those closest ( his wife and children ) and look to others in their circle ( who are less close than them ) to support them.

I’d still send a card if I were you. His wife will appreciate it .

And I’m sorry for your own loss.

himalayansalt · 04/04/2018 06:36

I'm genuinely surprised at the number of "do nothing" posts on here.

Vitalogy · 04/04/2018 06:37

I totally disagree with holding tears back, it's completely natural to show emotions and false to do otherwise, all cry together. There's nothing wrong with it.
Best wishes OP. Glad your ex got the message from you, that'll be a comfort knowing everyone is thinking of him.