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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

WhatsApp called denied?

54 replies

Gomofo · 02/04/2018 07:24

I use WhatsApp and yesterday made a video call and the call was denied.

I’ve had missed calls etc but never had this before.

Should I assume that the person I was calling didn’t want to speak to me?

OP posts:

Stargazer1980 · 02/04/2018 07:32

Do you use WhatsApp calls to speak to them normally? If so, yes I reckon that’s a safe assumption. Maybe they were busy and it wasn’t convenient to talk.
I don’t use WhatsApp for calls so on the rare occasion I get one, I cancel it as I assume it’s a mistake. I’ve mistakenly called people from WhatsApp many times!

Original poster

Gomofo · 02/04/2018 07:42

Thanks. It’s as I thought then 😡😰

OP posts:

Shayelle · 02/04/2018 07:42

Call normally and see what happens?

SavoyCabbage · 02/04/2018 07:45

There are lots of circumstances where taking a video call is not what you want to be doing though.

RainyApril · 02/04/2018 07:50

I wouldn't assume the worst yet. I've cancelled video calls for all sorts of reasons - although I do usually call them back conventionally once it's convenient.

JustPotteringAround · 02/04/2018 07:56

I cancel all video call / FaceTime and similar unless previously arranged as I find them too intrusive.

Original poster

Gomofo · 02/04/2018 08:00

I didn’t want a lengthy OP just in case my assumption was incorrect.

I don’t live in the UK and the video call was to my mother. I shouldn’t be surprised, as in the past she’s either let a family member speak to me or turned the video function off.

Yesterday, I had messaged her as DH and the DC were popping out so I said I would call later. She read the message and didn’t respond at all.

So as not to drip feed, my family and fell out for a few years and have only for the past six months got in contact again. It basically took a baby and an international move to start things up.

The main issue in the falling out was my mother. She’s quite damaged emotionally and I was scapegoated. I was often told I was loved but not liked, would get the silent treatment to make me feel bad and generally told of ‘course I love you I did X,Y and Z for you’.

When the argument occurred, I just had enough of being expected to be verbally bashed etc so that my mother could have her say and reduce me to tears. She always expects to win, holds grudges and will rather spite for nose to suit her face.

During the years of NC/LC she would be very passive/aggressive. For instance ignoring me, saying goodbye to everyone except for DH and l (in our own home) and not accepting food or drink when DH and l offered but would then accept the offer by another person......

Anyway, I have two beautiful D.C. and wonderful DH and we are getting used to life in a new country.

My question is....do I continue with these calls (which fill me with anxiety and l find extremely tense) and suck up her childish unnesscary behaviour or do l say fuck it and not bother?

I ask as I don’t want there to be any fall out with my siblings, as our relationship is more balanced. However, incidentally they sided with my mother before and also live in the same country as her.

Arghhhhhh

OP posts:

HunterHearstHelmsley · 02/04/2018 08:00

Maybe they just couldn't talk

I declined a WhatsApp call the other day as my signal was poor so there was no point.

Original poster

Gomofo · 02/04/2018 08:01

For those saying that you find it too intrusive.

I had messaged before and she has not messaged back to say I’ll contact you at X time.

OP posts:

category12 · 02/04/2018 08:02

Unless I was expecting a video call, I'd refuse it. Definitely not a method of communication I like the idea of.

Original poster

Gomofo · 02/04/2018 08:03

Spite her nose!

OP posts:

starryeyed19 · 02/04/2018 08:09

You're making a lot of effort to stay in touch with someone who does not seem to behave very well towards you. Why did the LC/NC stop?

I would stop calling. If she wants to see or speak to you, she will.

LotsToThinkOf · 02/04/2018 08:12

Call normally and then see what happens. Adding video calls into the mix is complicating things. I never answer video calls, they're too intrusive.

womanformallyknownaswoman · 02/04/2018 08:14

Sounds like she is playing favourites - there's nothing you can do to change her or that. Maybe stop phoning and write every so often and encourage her to let you know if she wants to talk. I would stop trying to get hold of her - it's just another way she can dominate by withholding.

Al Anon has some good tips re these difficult people - just substitute the word alcoholic for difficult person - the "isms" are all the same as are the remedies - stop trying - for whatever reason she doesn't like you, as she said. It's awfully abusive and cruel for any parent to say and believe that. But she does. It's not your fault. It's not anything you have done - it's her. And she won't own it.

WhatCanIDoNowPlease · 02/04/2018 08:15

Just say fuck it. I suspect you will feel nothing but relief.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/04/2018 08:15

I'd go with fuck it and not bother

Mynewnameforabit · 02/04/2018 08:17

I'm sure you didn't mean it to be, but the process you followed seems rather single minded, and left no space for her choice in the matter -
You said you were going to call, rather than ask if it was convenient (I have never, ever done that, even for people I know very well, who I know are going to be home that evening).
You didn't give an exact time (which I dislike someone doing with me, as it means I have to be ready all evening! She could have been on the loo when you called!).
And finally, video is the most 'in your face' media - my other half and I tried it, but don't much like it, and she may be the same.
Were you a strong willed child? I'm not asking to be nasty, it just looks a bit as if you are very much telling her the nature of the interaction rather than asking, and if she may be feeling a bit pushed into a corner - she may not know how to say 'no, don't call me tonight, I just don't feel like it'. Give her the choice - you can say 'I'd like to call you later, I'll call at 8, or let me know if thats not convenient?'.

category12 · 02/04/2018 08:18

Ah xposted. I wouldn't bother chasing her.

bluebell34567 · 02/04/2018 08:20

she is your mother, she should be more understanding, supportive. she sounds spiteful, don't try to contact her, leave it to her. at the meantime don't upset yourself about her and focus on your family and your future.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 02/04/2018 08:20

I hate any video calls, except with my toddler niece, everyone else is old enough to talk properly and I don’t need to see them & I hate them being able to see me. It’s too intrusive.

I would be hurt if my Mum had done what yours has done over the years, but there would have come a point where I realised nothing was going to make her the kind of Mum I wanted. I would have gone NC & stayed NC. It’s really sad, but going back for more of the same treatment all the time isn’t helping you at all. If I were you now I wouldn’t contact any of them again, if they sent a nice message or called I’d reply, but anything horrible I’d just ignore & if it continued I’d block them.

Focus on being the Mum you wanted to have & your lovely DH.

Mynewnameforabit · 02/04/2018 08:23

Also, if someone messaged me and said I'll video call you later, I also would probably not reply at all - its a statement of fact, there's no question, and I'd find it rather high handed, and I wouldn't know if I would take it or not to say, without a specific time.

BookWitch · 02/04/2018 08:24

I also decline Whatapp calls I am not expecting. I don't like video calls at all.

It's nothing to do with the people at the other end. I have to use Skype a lot for work and I find it exhausting.

SoupDragon · 02/04/2018 08:25

I reject all video calls.

I can’t comment on your relationship with your mother but it sounds like she doesn’t like video calls given she turns the video function off.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/04/2018 08:30

I'd also go with "fuck it and don't bother"
Leave her to it.
If she wants to call you, up to her, but leave her to stew in her own juices now.

shallichangemyname · 02/04/2018 08:31

I use WhatsApp calls a lot because mobile reception at home is rubbish. It's amazing the number of people who message me back to say they couldn't work out how to answer it. Also I borrowed an old iPhone recently for a week when mine was out of action. And I couldn't work out how to accept calls and was cutting them all off.

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