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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WhatsApp called denied?

54 replies

Gomofo · 02/04/2018 07:24

I use WhatsApp and yesterday made a video call and the call was denied.

I’ve had missed calls etc but never had this before.

Should I assume that the person I was calling didn’t want to speak to me?

OP posts:
mmzz · 02/04/2018 08:32

I don't like receiving video calls, unless I've actually agreed in the past and had time to make myself look presentable.
If your DM is turning off the video function, I am guessing she doesn't like them either. Maybe she's difficult but you could try a text:
You: Hi Mum, are you free for us to have a call now? Video or just voice?

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 02/04/2018 08:32

I don't know, I had calls denied within the house, easier to call than shout at my kids or DH despite me or them trying to answer. It's usually bad signal here.

PlumsGalore · 02/04/2018 08:36

I would never turn down a video call from my DD, especially if she was living overseas. I am delighted when she facetimes me from 12 miles away for a chat.

I would go back to LC with her, she sounds appalling.

JessieMcJessie · 02/04/2018 08:46

Don’t understand why you’d video call knowing she doesn’t like them? My brother is always trying to FaceTime me without warning, I love him but never answer as I am rarely in a place or state where video calling would be comfortable.

Schlimbesserung · 02/04/2018 08:49

I was often told I was loved but not liked
Among other awful things, my mother said this to me a lot. It has a really profound effect on a child to grow up like that. It's only in my 40's that I have stopped trying to make my mother like me.
She said the same thing to one of my children and because of this and a few other delightful things, she is no longer allowed to be alone with them.
Stop chasing. There is no happy ending here. You have your own family now and you can absolutely make that loving , happy and supportive. You just can't make your relationship with your mother that way. She doesn't have (or will not give) what you need from her.

DeathStare · 02/04/2018 08:52

Obviously there is a lot of history between you, but be careful not to jump to conclusions about why she refused the call or didn't respond to your message.

I often don't respond to messages (though I may read them) - for example if I'm out, if I'm driving or cooking or busy with something, if I'm with other people.

There are even more reasons why I might not accept a video call - all the above situations, plus if I'm not dressed, if I'm too tired, if I don't have time to sit and give them my undistracted attention.

This might be the same old issues occurring again, or it could be just that it wasn't convenient for her.

ChickenMom · 02/04/2018 09:48

I would always deny a video call so I don’t think you can blame your mother for that. You really should have waited for a reply before calling. You have no idea what her plans are. She could be sitting in a GP surgery for example. You just don’t know. I think you are deliberately setting these situations up in order to find fuel to flame her. Rather than sending a message to say “I will video call you later” which is very over bearing. You could have said “I’d love to talk to you today if it’s convenient? Could you please let me know what time suits you and I’ll give you a call. Shall I video call you?” Then you wait for a response. If one doesn’t come then you don’t call. This scenario doesn’t have to be done if you are extremely close with somebody but in your case of a fractious past then you have to be more careful. It sounds like you need work on your communication skills. What you could do now is say “looks like our video chat couldn’t work as maybe a problem with the connection? Would love to try again today. Could you let me know if today works for you?” Then again wait and see if she responds. I’ll be honest. If somebody I’d had arguments/fall outs with messaged me to say “I’m video calling you later” then I would deny it.

Onemansoapopera · 02/04/2018 10:18

My dad used to say this to me too "I love you but I dont like you at the minute". I didn't feel abused by it but it stuck with me enough to remember that is at those times when DD is driving me mad and I do indeed feel like I don't like her character very much at that moment in time (as my dad must have felt about me) never ever to say it. I always took from it that my dad was doing me a favour still loving me despite me being clearly awful. He had denied saying it now, not because he's evil or anything just because I'm sure in retrospect he would like to believe he wasn't that mean. Then again I clearly wasnt being angelic either. What child is?

That aside video calling, unless requested or invited, is intrusive.

letsdolunch321 · 02/04/2018 10:23

Fuck it & let her wallow in her own self pity would be what I would do.

It cost nothing for her to reply when you text her.

Leave her be, you enjoy your family & your new chapter.

Original poster
Gomofo · 02/04/2018 13:28

To address a few points (which BTW I think were a little Hmm.

Yesterday was Easter Sunday, so yes I did make video calls to wish everyone a happy Easter, as I would for any other significant celebration/birthdays etc.

For those saying you would ‘decline’ a video call because it’s intrusive etc, you do realise that if I lived in the UK I wouldn’t need to do this?Also, what is the difference really between a Skype and WhatsApp video call. Nothing. I haven’t seen any of our friends since the end of last year

For those saying l stated a time, and should of asked when was it good to call. Well there is significant time difference (which everyone was aware of before we left), so if any friends/relatives want to chat to the D.C. (or catch a glimpse of baby) then it can be only between a certain time (as it’s the morning in the UK and evening in the country I now live in).

This is not about my mother finding it intrusive/being busy as to why she did this. It’s all about game playing. I know as when she passed the call onto a sibling (who lives at home) for me to chat too, she immediately called another sibling (after this call ended) when I was video calling them. She also, hasn’t sent a message or returned my call nor sent any well wishes to my D.C. for Easter.

I’ve had therapy so have resolved many issues I have and I was perfectly happy to have a cordial but distant relationship with her (for my dads sake). However, her behaviour is making this even more difficult because she can’t help but be passive/aggressive and highlight any minor mistakes I make.

Thank you for those who understand what’s it’s like to live in a dysfunctional family as you constantly doubt and blame yourself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gomofo · 02/04/2018 13:31

chicken really......Hmm

I’m over bearing because I said happy Easter to my mother on Easter Sunday and said I’d call her later.....just so she could see and chat to her grandchildren......🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
Gomofo · 02/04/2018 13:33

Oh and many families who live overseas Skype as do their friends and relatives etc to them, as that is how they stay connected.

OP posts:
mmzz · 02/04/2018 13:48

I can see you have family problems and you have my sympathy. I lived overseas too, and I know how hard it is to keep in touch. How the person who moved is somehow expected to do all the running...

However, even if you were still living in the UK, would you need to physically see everyone to say Happy easter, or would you just have called / texted?

There is no difference between a skype video call and a whatsapp video call. One is intrusive (or not) as the other (and both have text and voice calling functionality).

This is really about you not knowing how to take your DM's behaviour. When she behaves badly frequently, it becomes hard to know if she is doing it again or anyone might behave like that. We can't tell you. However, if she puts you on the back foot so much, maybe its best to just leave her be? She knows you tried to call so, its her turn next.

Melminiani · 02/04/2018 14:02

Several of my family members live abroad - the family with the smallest children live furthest away with a similar time difference to yours. We're by no means a perfect family, but FaceTime is an absolute life saver as seeing each other, and seeing the kids, makes us all feel that bit more connected. And my sil face times hers family (and friends too on special occasions or when she's just missing them) so I don't think video calling can always assumed to be intrusive. And we know, because of their time difference, that we'll usually get a call sometime mid morning - we don't mind that lack of specific time - and if we're there, we'll take the call.

With regards your Mum, I think I'd try receding again from her orbit, and focus on your lovely family and your new life abroad, and try not to engage in the game which only she seems to know the rules to. Sending you happy Easter hugs OP.

Gemini69 · 02/04/2018 15:28

I loathe video calls.. I reject all attempts of anyone calling me on video calling ... lol Flowers

HangingRock · 02/04/2018 15:35

I ordered a pack of black stickers from Amazon and stuck it over the camera, so now no one can video call me (although they'd be able to speak to me.)

privateporcupine · 02/04/2018 15:36

I video call with my nieces and that’s it. I hate it otherwise. Far too intense for me. My friend that I used to work with has FaceTimed me a few times and he knows not to bother now as it will get declined. We text or meet up instead.

Having said that, your mum doesn’t sound like someone I’d call at all.

Jinglebells99 · 02/04/2018 15:48

I have to FaceTime with my dad because he’s deaf and needs to be able to lip read. I really don’t like it. He usually calls late in the evening when I’m just sitting on the sofa thinking of going to bed. He invariably tells me I look “tired “or fat! He never responds to texts although I can see he’s read them. Glad I’m not alone in hating video calls though. It is intrusive. I have to suck it up though.

Temporaryanonymity · 02/04/2018 15:55

Why video call? WhatsApp do voicecalls too.

With the greatest respect, you have reacted quite negatively to the comments here. You did ask for advice!

Mynewnameforabit · 02/04/2018 17:35

You asked peoples view, then told them that they're wrong, and this is what you do (video calling people, and telling them not asking). You do sou d overbearing, and to be honest, its you that seems to be game playing, not your mother.
What country you're in has nothing to do with it - its rude to assume people will be free when you tell them to, and act as if its a privilege for them to have this opportunity to view your DCs.

Gemini69 · 02/04/2018 20:24

Skype/Video/Whatsapp/Viber/Telegram.. whatever you want to call these versions OP.. I actively avoid them.... all of them.. Grin

Original poster
Gomofo · 03/04/2018 00:18

My how the hell am I game playing? And yes it does matter if l live abroad, because where l now live will mean that l cannot visit very often.

My relatives etc actively video call me as much as l do them to stay connected.

I’m bowing out now, as l asked for advice about my relationship with my mother not to be told I’m overbearing to make a video call when it was prearranged.

OP posts:
RavenclawRealist · 03/04/2018 00:25

I don't know if you will read this but as she didn't respond to the message I wouldn't call it pre arranged you suggested the most convenient time to call she didn't respond! We think she rejected the call but you can't be sure with technology! I would send a message saying tried to call yesterday as suggested let me know a good time to catch up! If she's being manipulative she will read and ignore you know where you stand! If there was a genuine reason she can reply! You know you where you stand and you haven't lost anything!

UnaMagdalena · 03/04/2018 00:29

No wonder u r upset!!
All she does is upset u. Now she has reeled you back in far enough to start messing with u again. If i cant take a whatsapp call i send one of those voice messages back. 5 seconds or less to say 'surrounded by neigbours here call u back later'.

It sounds like she has decided it is time for u to get the silent treatment again.

womanformallyknownaswoman · 03/04/2018 02:30

@Gomofo

some will never know the game playing of twisted dominators. They will always excuse their behaviour and victim blame e.g. she must have been busy, maybe she didn't understand tech etc - you know you are being gas lighted by your mother - you know she's difficult - she has a track record of this behaviour towards you - you know it's nothing you have done or said.

I had to realise that with some of those "close" to me, any need I had, for example to have connection, was used as a weapon against me to hurt me. Some people get off on hurting others. Some family systems are totally dysfunctional and operate by scapegoating someone.

It's not you. Pull back and go to people who can hear and validate you - like a good therapist or al anon - MN isn't that place - and well done for reaching out