Has anyone managed to ‘fix’ a sexless marriage? If so how?

[Btigger42]

I’ve read a number of threads of people in the same boat as me. I love my DW but we have only had sex 5 times in the last 6 years and all bar 1 were sympathy bonks. Our sex life has never been good which I am partly responsible for having spent years engineering sympathy/guilt sex. I had a brief affair pre children but will never do that to her again. Most of the time I cope by telling myself she’s not my lover but rather a best friend. We have three children and make a good parenting team. I will not consider divorce until they have all grown so I’ve got 12 years to try and fix this. I’d like to know if anyone has managed to get back from here? If you did I’d like to know how as I have the time to try a few things.

What is a sympathy bonk? Her agreeing to have sex when she doesn't really want to because she feels sorry for you? Or the other way around?

So you had an affair, have spent years pressuring her into sex she doesn’t want until she finally gives in when she doesn’t want to, and you’re wondering why she doesn’t want to have sex with you?

I can’t possibly imagine.

I'm trying to work out the timing but it sounds like she isn't over the affair. I think couples therapy is your only chance. It sounds like you both want very much to coparent. It is just as possible that therapy will rip off the duckboards that are currently allowing you both to carry out your daily lives with huge gaping holes underneath. Or it could be the basis of moving on to a new contract between you. I'd give it 50/50.

To be honest, it all sounds too little too late. My guess is that, on some level, she has not forgiven you for the affair & has checked out.

I don't get from your post that you are truly sorry for your affair & love your wife dearly.

Personally I don't think I'd ever want to have sex with my Dh ever again if he had an affair and subsequently was only staying in the marriage for the kids.
I understand the affair was pre children and perhaps your DW didn't want to give up her chance to have kids.
Counseling is only option here to air any hidden resentment and to make a decision on whether splitting up amicably would be better all round.
But basically you can't expect someone to have sex with you if she clearly doesn't want it.

Do try couples therapy. Your wife may still be deeply affected by that crisis in your relationship, although I believe she tried to forgive and forget. Be prepared, as another poster has pointed out, to hear unpleasant things about yourself, including deep-seated grudges. Just remember that those are her feelings talking.
If your wife is cooperative, you have good chances to recover your sex life.

So you emotionally manipulate her to have sex with you, you had an affair and are watching the clock until the kids are old enough for you to divorce.

You are a cleary a prince among men(!)

Your sex life has never been good. So to be blunt it never will be. Ever.

So suck it up or leave.

The affair was very brief and over a decade ago. We went to relate at the time and for a few years things were better. We had already accumulated a decade of infrequent sex, our issues predate it. I am by no means proud of it but as part of relate I very much accept that I am responsible for it and agree it will form part of our issues.
I don’t think I’ve given enough information for anyone to judge if I love my wife or not but everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I’m completely confident that I love her and she loves me, we have been through a lot together and make a good team. I also agree that she has no obligation to have sex with me, she use to do the birthday/Christmas bonk thing but -sympathy bonking. I don’t want that for either of us, it is hollow for both parties. I am genuinely interested in hearing from people who have managed to get back from here instead of divorce, I’d like to grow old with her, I’m just not ready to give up on physical contact.

Have you tried talking to her? Apologising for making her have sex through guilt?
Do you let her know how much you love her? Do you do nice things for her and do things to make her life easier?
Maybe you could agree to completely take sex off the table (she undoubtedly is feeling the pressure even if you don't say anything) and work on being more physical without it leading somewhere? Hold her hand, kiss her goodnight, touch her waist as you walk past.
The main thing is talk to her what have you got to lose? At least you'll know where you stand.

I’ll repeat what I said

Your sex life has always been infrequent or shit.

Why should it change now?????????????
You cant fix it as it has never been broken.

You are NOT sexually compitable.
Suck it up or leave. Its not ro let science upu know.

Rocket science! Doh

I’m not sure you’re understanding this. Even put the affair aside for a minute.

You’ve had infrequent sex longterm and you admit you’ve spent years “engineering guilt sex”. You’ve basically worn her down until she has sex she doesn’t want because she feels obligated to do so. That’s coercion, not consent.

That alone is enough to completely destroy a person’s interest in sex, and worse. You say it’s hollow for both of you - I’d say there’s a good chance it’s much worse than it being hollow for her.

We talk about it about once a year, it’s always tricky and she shuts down the conversation quickly. She doesn’t want to go to relate again and three years ago we’took it off the table’. Our first year together was great along with one of the pregnancies and one other brief patch, it can be good.
I do a lot around the house, there is no grudge there. I like to think I’m loving and effectionate and although not as frequent with romantic gestures I still try and encourage her to take ‘me time’ and follow her interests. I’m happy for suggestions of things to try, particularly from people who have been in a similar position.

Fancynewbeesly I appreciate your amazing ability to make such insightful judgements on such little information. I have not painted a wonderful picture of myself but 20+ years together has honestly been pretty good with a lot of love. My wife has by no means been an angel, I’m not sold that’s the point. Fancynewbeesly, have you come back from a sexless marriage and are able to offer some helpful advice?

I'm giving advice as someone who has completely gone off sex with my dh, so my advice is coming from a view of someone who doesn't want it and my dh inadvertently pressures me.
What happened when you took the sex off the table did your wife seem happier?
It is horrible to know your husband wants something you don't want to give, you feel under so much pressure.
Its a dilemma do you have sex even though you don't want to or not and feel bad for not wanting it.
So no answers for you, earlier i said talk to her but if she doesnt want to go back to relate maybe she is fed up of talking and thinking about it, maybe just enjoy what you have, go on dates with no expectations and see what happens.

Isthisallinmyhead, most of our relationship is much better since taking it off the table, she is certainly happier which makes me happier. Until she explained how she felt I didn’t realise my grumpy behaviour was pressure, I just thought I was conveying how I felt.
Do you feel you will ever want to return to infrequent sex, or is that it for you? For the last three years I have been to paranoid to even try and initiate anything for fear of misinterpretation.

I think isthisallinmyhead has a good suggestion about working on being more physical without it leading to sex - and I mean explicitly saying that you wont have sex but you do miss physical contact, so that the subsequent increase in physical contact doesn't make her nervous about having to have sex. Over time this might break down barriers to at least talking more openly about it?

Does she expect you to never have sex with her again and not to seek it elsewhere?

Having sex 5 times in 6 years is not normal. Having a sexless marriage is not normal. a marriage where one spouse needs to have sex and the other refuses is not normal.

OP, the only adivce I can give you is how my sex life changed for the better. Though it was never quite as bad as what you describe.

Once I stopped looking and think.of my wife as a piece of meat where I can place my penis into and started looking at her as a real person I am committed and married to. I started spending more time talking to her in bed about her say during week days. I started falling asleep with her at night by holding her hand. I started waking up in the morning with her by hugging her and holding her. As the weeks went by, she get more and more into wanting to make love, not sex and bonking. We do things like have baths together and I give her a massage often. This usually leads to her getting in the mood.

When I was younger I used to get frustrated and upset that she didn't just naturally get the urge to just tear.off all her clothes and start having sex. I realized over time that it requires more effort and time and attention on my part to get her in the mood.

Hope that helps.

I'm interested to know what it is that you want to fix @Btigger42

Your DW hasn't been particularly interested in sex for a very long time , if ever.

You have been able to manipulate her into pity sex over the years.

The pity sex has been off the table for a while.

Is that what you want to return to? Is that your fix? To return to the manipulative pity sex?

Or did you want to learn if it's possible to fill your wife with a new exciting libido and desire for you?

What fix are you looking for?

Misseymousey, this is the course I’m currently trying to follow. I must say it’s damned hard to do. The actual cuddles are lovely, I just repeatedly wake through the night and that’s assuming I can get to sleep to start with. I’m not really sure she has a long term view blit, this isn’t something she is actively doing to be nasty to me.

Just to clarify my last post. It is difficult to sleep once I’ve been cuddling the women I love and find so damned attractive. It’s not difficult to avoid trying to instigate sex. Hopefully over time this will break down some of our walls. Part of the problem has always been the pressure of starting up again after patches of abstenance. We use to have little brief runs then long gaps.

Is it possible that she is long term pissed off with you? Some people have a remarkable capacity for being permanently angry at someone without showing it (OK me but probably other people too). I've been constantly angry with my husband for a year now. Needless to say our sex life has suffered-I don't want to have sex with someone that I am angry with. We gave been having sex but purely because I have needs that I want to satisfy and I can just about ignore how annoyed I am for long enough to have sex. If your wife doesn't need the sex then I suppose that would make it unlikely fir her to push aside whatever it is that is interfering with your sex life. Maybe this just isn't something that you can fix.

Seventh I clearly don’t want to return to pity sex. I didn’t really twig that was how she felt about it at the time and was mortified when she eventually told me. Not all of our sex was of that nature and I’d like that ‘good stuff’ to come back for both of us. I’m not expecting three times a week but some contact once a month would be lovely. A big part of it is just to get past the feeling of being continually rejected by the love of my life.