Has anyone managed to ‘fix’ a sexless marriage? If so how?

[Btigger42]

I’ve read a number of threads of people in the same boat as me. I love my DW but we have only had sex 5 times in the last 6 years and all bar 1 were sympathy bonks. Our sex life has never been good which I am partly responsible for having spent years engineering sympathy/guilt sex. I had a brief affair pre children but will never do that to her again. Most of the time I cope by telling myself she’s not my lover but rather a best friend. We have three children and make a good parenting team. I will not consider divorce until they have all grown so I’ve got 12 years to try and fix this. I’d like to know if anyone has managed to get back from here? If you did I’d like to know how as I have the time to try a few things.

A big part of it is just to get past the feeling of being continually rejected by the love of my life.

Ok - so do you know why she doesn't want and hasn't wanted sex with you.

Did you have psycho-sexual counselling (as opposed to talking therapy) and did you find out why she doesn't want sex?

This not being able to get sleep is a load of bollocks surely you get up have wank and get back into bed.

Mm2one I like to think I’ve matured a lot since my teen years but understand what you mean. Our relationship was founded in a deep friendship and that has remained its strong core. She is very much my equal and in many things my better and I’m proud to say she’s my wife. We discuss our days, technical stuff, how to bring up the kids and the usual news, family, life. We go to bed together and unless it’s a hot night we normally cuddle to sleep. At points I have retreated from cuddles as I felt hurt and rejected but I believe her when she says that she isn’t maliciously abstaining. I get the impression your advice is keep up the contact and hope for the best long term.

Honestly I'm in a different place then you are relationship wise (i have a thread going nagging doubts about my relationship if you want to look)
If my dh had backed off a year ago and listened to me and sorted his job situation out (more on my thread!) and done what I'm advising you to do then yes , I would of probably gone back to a physical relationship now I'm struggling to see a future for us.
It sounds like you love each other I'm assuming you are a good Dad and supportive husband and you have listened to her wishes and took sex off the table the hard thing is now building up a physical relationship you are both happy with.
I suggest small steps to increase non sexual contact, dates, go away for a weekend (no sex) talk to her when she's in the bath if she doesn't mind, don't bring sex up or even mention it and wait longer then you have ever waited dont say a word about sex and then wait longer don't ruin the small steps be patient, kind and loving if she wants to she will. She is probably worried if you do it once that's it the pressure will be back on.
Tell her she looks nice when she goes out not sexy, pretty, lovely nothing to imply sex. As you've said you have 12 years to try and get into a place you are both happy.
Sorry this is turning into a massive reply one more thing to consider you don't have to answer this but think about it do you think she actually enjoyed sex when you were doing it? Or was she going through the motions?

No seventh, we just had talking therapy a long time ago. She rarely wants to talk about it so I don’t push. When she has spoken about it she hasn’t really been able to say why, just that she wants to get back to regular sex too. She hasn’t really been able to say how though only that if I try and initiate anything that’s a turn off and I should leave it to her. This is pretty much where I currently am and the course of action I’m pursuing. Is psycho sexual councilling any good? I’m not sure she’d want to go, she’s very private.

Yes I have fixed this problem, and it's surprisingly easy when you realise there's only one rule you need to worry about - if you're not attractive to women in general, you're not attractive to her. No woman wants to sleep with a man that no other woman would be interested in.

I’m sorry your boats not great either isitallinmyhead. I’ll hunt out your thread in a bit. With regards our sex life at points it’s been wide and varied, that’s part of the problem. I’m not daft enough to think piv works for everyone without going into further details. She does say that she is not without a libido but she use to find mine excessive. I can respect that and am simply looking for enough to keep feeling connected.

Whiteyroses, so take my frustrations out on the gym then.

Thank you everyone, sorry I’m signing off for now (time to hide Easter eggs).

Psycho- sexual counselling would generally get to the bottom of why she doesn't want sex with you , @Btigger42

I understand that your DW would find this sort of therapy difficult, but I can't see any point messing around with cuddles and taking things slowly, if she has some deep seated, historical sex hang up or a real problem with you and sex.

Best to get all the facts on the table and deal with reality, imo

I shall have a google seventh but will raise it as an option next time we talk about it, thank you.

Yes, I have. Twice, once after a very long time and once after a year or so. For me the problem is 100% hormonal due to medication, and there’s nothing I can do about it when it happens - it’s pretty soul destroying for both people. Having difficulties again now and have had to come off all medication to try and get things functioning again, which is difficult to do because it leaves me in a lot of pain.

I would just say that you should consider the possibility that this is a physical problem rather than a choice she’s making. May not be true for her but certainly has been for me.

Fancynewbeesly, I have wondered about that too. She can have severe drops in energy levels leaving her somewhat sofa bound. There have also been points where she’s suffered from depression but is unwilling to visit the doctors. When this happens I try to carry the shared load and calm the kids, it always passes. I sometimes wonder if the menopause will actually help as she’s always found her cycle hard.

"Sympathy bonk" made me laugh!

I've heard of sex therapy.. could you try that? That way you get both get to the bottom of your issues around sex. Surely it's worth a shot to see if you can work it out but I think professional help is good here x

so take my frustrations out on the gym then.

Certainly would do a lot to improve your situation, but it's also only one of dozens of things you could do as part of self improvement. All of which add up to a person ending up with a lot more self confidence and options, and these are the sort of guys women are attracted to, and don't end up in sexless marriages.

You're intimate in lots of ways, you have a great friendship, you share parenting etc so you're doing everything right. I have a friend like your dw. She just doesn't fancy sex with him even though they have a great relationship.

Do you have fun together?

I have always gone off sex when my relationship hasn't been right. I still have a sex drive, just no desire to have sex with someone I'm not happy with.

Well my periods are horrific (I have endometriosis) but it was a treatment that put me in temporary menopause that caused the problem initially and it has recurred every time my hormones have been messed with ever since.

Unfortunately it’s unlikely a GP will take it seriously or care - if she thinks there may be a hormonal or health element it’s worth considering private blood tests if GPs aren’t helpful. Plenty of companies offering hormone and other tests.

Out of interest, aside from the fatigue and lack of libido does she show any other symptoms of hypothyroidism? It’s a common cause of these two things. Again, worth testing for.

The only way my marriage has survived is being able to communicate about it, which isn’t to say that it hasn’t come close to us breaking up many times, because it has. Which is why I’m now putting up with awful pain in an attempt to make it right.

All I was trying to say earlier is that if there is coercion on your part and she is having sex she doesn’t want, that can be extremely detrimental to her mental health and interest in sex too. I wish I knew an easy answer, sadly I don’t.

whitey that’s nonsense. There are many causes of loss of libido and it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with her husband or a relationship problem.

My marriage is awesome, I love my husband. My complete absence of sex drive is caused by ill health and hormonal imbalance and nothing he can do could fix it. There’s a difference between not wanting sex with him and having no interest in any physical contact whatsoever with anyone ever. I don’t know her so can’t say what the problem is.

There are many causes of loss of libido but by far the most common is being in a long term relationship with an unattractive man.

This same story plays outs thousands of times, while the op has an outside chance of success if he sinks thousands and pounds and months of his life into counselling, he has a much better chance of success if he makes himself the sort of man women would want to sleep with (which most men are not). And if it doesn't work, he'll have improved his life in lots of other ways anyway.

There’s a difference between not wanting sex with him and having no interest in any physical contact whatsoever with anyone ever

Absolutely! And if DW won't talk about it, is it the former for her? We don't know.

I think the practical advice appears to be, carry on cuddling. When she’s next willing to talk about it I’ll bring up sex councilling. Potentially encourage some medical investigation if the option becomes available. Oh and up my gym time a bit (though I’m not that bad). Thank you all for your contributions, it’s always good to get some independent advice.

So your sex life was crap, you had an affair out of frustration, and it's continued to be crap ever since.

It sounds like your DW is just not into sex. That's not your problem or your fault, and therefore not something you can fix.

It may not be something she can fix either, but if it is, it all depends on what she wants from the relationship.

It is my belief that the only difference between good friend, even fantastic friends and being a couple is attraction.

There are many reasons why I fell out of love with my ex husband, even when I was VERY proud of him and we were best friends for a few years after we split. But I was no longer attracted to him and despite the friendship, complicity and the rare occasions we had sex, he was no longer my partner, just a good friend.

We split, because someway we both had started living one day at a time, I don’t know about him, but for me being in such relationship was killing me inside. Never looked back, getting divorced was the best we could do for each other. He is now with a woman who fancy him and I am no longer taking care of a friend/little brother. We both agree the only regret is not splitting sooner.

Best of luck in sorting this up, I do think however that you don’t need to put up with a sexless marriage, if this doesn’t work for you. You seem to be doing all the right things without success, it seems the only thing you can do is accept things are the way they are or leave and find someone else as she doesn’t seem motivated enough to do absolutely anything about it whatever valid or invalid reasons she may have.

OP - you can of course try.
However - if your story was that she was into it before and then lost it. Then, maybe, there would be a chance she’d want to fix it.

But from her vantage point - it’s always been this way as she is Ok. And you’ve stuck around - so you must have adjusted to it.

Sorry to be a bit pessimistic about your chances of turning this around. Because it’s not really a ‘turning this around’ - it’s making her into someone she is not.