Can't get over my ex fiancé who was secretly gay

[Cherryblossom36]

Ok this might be a weird story or situation. I'm now married with a child but can't get over my ex fiancé who was my soul mate and best friend.

About three months before our wedding, I discovered some text messages on his phone which were from another man. It turned out that he had been sleeping with a man possibly different man I'm really not sure. I was totally devastated. We were together for a long time and he was my best friend. I never would've suspected he was gay or bisexual. I've since discovered that he is married to a woman and I just can't get my head around the whole thing and all the lies that you told me. He didn't even try to win me back he just disappeared.

I don't understand why I'm still thinking about him. I just loved him so much and I feel like I've lost so much.

Has anyone else got any experience of an ex being secretly gay and how did you get over it?

I'm surprised your still thinking about it. Especially now he is to another woman. This situation is not something you get over easily. not been in this situation though so can only imagine.

That must have been awful for you. And he's still firmly in that closet, from the sound of it.

What did he say when you confronted him? Did he have a reason why he wasn't leading an openly gay life?

When I found out he kicked the bookshelf, broke down and told me that there was part of him he hated. That he "must be bisexual" but that he was absolutely not gay. We lived in different cities at the time so after a tearful goodbye at the train station I never heard from him again. I was left to cancel the wedding and tell my friends and family. He's now a church elder and married.he looks so smug on their church website with his new wife. Not even an apology from him or an explanation! x

He is still in the closet and probably sleeping with men behind his wife's back, poor woman.

Thank god you didn’t end up with him
Imagine how misersble your life would be
Imagine how miserable he is
Imagine how miserable his wife is if she knows and one day she will
He’s not a happy person in himself if he can’t accept who he is. This is not 1930
Christ you had a lucky escape

Thank you you are right. I remember the person I thought he was but it's better to think of the lucky escape rather than grief

Of the relationship that never happened thanks xx

You were bloody strong for just walking away. Think, you could have stayed in that relationship
Leaving was hard, but at least you didn’t stay

Do you think he will do the same to this woman. I don't get home he's a church minister now! I think he might have a child too

I feel sorry for his wife. She probably doesn't have a clue. I really hate that men deceive women in this way. They pretend to everyone...go on and have kids...while secretly sleeping with men.

I remember ages ago when a police officer friend told me about a fatal road traffic accident he attended. A married vicar had died...but the person he was in the car with and paraphernalia were a clear indication of his sexuality.

The police dumped that stuff because they just felt sorry for his wife.

Thank God you found out before marriage. I can only imagine how devastating that was.

He’s never going to be able to change who he really is
So yes. Either she doesn’t know
Or she does and lives a half life.
Either is horrible

I think the reason he is such a 'public' church figure etc. is so that he can better cover up who he really is. This is probably also the reason why he is married.

I find it so sad when in this day and age gay men can't just be open about who they are, and have to bury their true self under so many lies.

When my marriage was breaking down, I found some things written by my ex about his feelings for (specific) men and not being sure whether he is gay. He still doesn’t know I ever saw them. To be fair, it wasn’t a total shocker for me and our relationship was ending anyway at my instigation.

A couple of years on and he has a girlfriend. Now, perhaps he worked out that he isn’t gay after all. Maybe. Perhaps he is bisexual. What I suspect he is doing is repeating a relationship pattern because he is too scared to be himself.

Is it a reflection on me? A little - I have trust issues and the distance he maintained within our relationship due to his sexuality kind of suited me at the time because I didn’t want to let anyone in. He was also controlling and over critical. This felt comfortable to me as it repeated a parental pattern.

I do think about it sometimes, as an aspect of just how fucked up the relationship really was. Sometimes, I also feel quite sad for him, as he is likely living a lie.

I am not, I am now free.

That must’ve have been a dreadful time for you OP.

Perhaps the thing to focus on is not who he cheated with but that he did in fact cheat.

He cheated on you. He didn’t deserve your love and trust.

Finding out must have been a terrible shock and betrayal but you didn’t lose anything, it saved you from a life of heartbreak.

I remember ages ago when a police officer friend told me about a fatal road traffic accident he attended. A married vicar had died...but the person he was in the car with and paraphernalia were a clear indication of his sexuality. The police dumped that stuff because they just felt sorry for his wife.

This is so wrong. Because the wife might be harbouring an STI that she will not know about, with all the ramifications that entails.

OP, so sorry you went through that. But yes, you had a lucky escape.

Thanks all for taking the time to reply. You are right I shouldn't miss him or feel sad he's married. It's his wife who is going to be in for the shock if she ever finds out xx

I was married to a secretly gay man. Someone should let this man's wife know.

I thought about contacting her as her details are on the church website but to be honest I was terrified he would come after me. Also she just wouldn't believe me... he isn't obviously gay and it came as a shock to all my friends too. He might say I'm making it up? He was careful not to write in an email he was gay as I reread correspondence with him.

I'm sorry you had to go through worse pain than I did. Did you find out by chance? It's just horrible you question everything x

Hmm. My boyfriend from a long time ago decided one day after 8 years that he preferred men, or transexuals. I say he decided, he just didn't come home one night.

A lot of lying and nonsense later and we split, sold the house and I didn't speak to him again. It was the lying that hurt more than him trying to find himself.

Ironically though, I hear through friends that he's now married with a child, to a much younger lady. Very odd. I guess I had closure because he acted like a royal dick during our split but I guess if you're just yearning for what you can't have, it's human nature.

Thanks Cherry I'm so glad you found out before you married him.

Yes it would be difficult to out him without some evidence but although his wife might not initially believe you she would look out for signs and be warned.

He eventually admitted he'd been in a gay relationship for six years! It was worse for my DDs who really didn't know how their father could have lied his whole life (they accepted his being gay but not the pain and suffering he caused me) I wasted so many years over him. xx

Pls don't contact his wife there is nothing to say he will do it to her just because he did it to you. Can I ask how long it's been since you two broke up??

A good friend of mine is gay. Yes also extremely religious and Jo's Faith wouldn't let him be gay. He's been married for 15 years now but has a lot of health problems so I'm guessing he uses that as an excuse not to sleep with his wife.

We broke up about 6 years ago x

His family knew why we broke up too so wondering why they also look so smug on the wedding photos