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Original poster

Can't get over my ex fiancé who was secretly gay

64 replies

Cherryblossom36 · 31/03/2018 14:17

Ok this might be a weird story or situation. I'm now married with a child but can't get over my ex fiancé who was my soul mate and best friend.

About three months before our wedding, I discovered some text messages on his phone which were from another man. It turned out that he had been sleeping with a man possibly different man I'm really not sure. I was totally devastated. We were together for a long time and he was my best friend. I never would've suspected he was gay or bisexual. I've since discovered that he is married to a woman and I just can't get my head around the whole thing and all the lies that you told me. He didn't even try to win me back he just disappeared.

I don't understand why I'm still thinking about him. I just loved him so much and I feel like I've lost so much.

Has anyone else got any experience of an ex being secretly gay and how did you get over it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherryblossom36 · 31/03/2018 18:55

Yes perhaps you are right he may not do it to her x

OP posts:
Thistlebelle · 31/03/2018 19:05

They might not be be smug. They might be relieved.

If he’s bi, there’s nothing to say that he hasn’t learned from his mistakes with you and is more honest with his wife.

You are now married and have a child. Focus on those relationships and let this one go.

PrettyLittIeThing · 31/03/2018 19:06

I jut think it's unfair to potentially break up their marriage when there's nothing to suggest he's done it to her. He might be bisexual. I get it wasn't you who suggested it though.

Original poster
Cherryblossom36 · 31/03/2018 19:08

I often wonder why he was doing this behind my back? Why did he make these mistakes with me? I guess it could be as simple as he loves her but didn't love me. Harsh reality!

OP posts:
PrettyLittIeThing · 31/03/2018 19:10

Yeh I think we can all relate to those feelings (my ex would never live with me but then met a woman and moved her in within 24 hours!) it still hurts now and that was a few years ago. I think it's the whole "what was wrong with me."

Thistlebelle · 31/03/2018 19:10

Cherry not necessarily. Maybe the shock, guilt and pain involved in losing you has taught him to be better with her.

Or maybe he’s still cheating. I hope not but there’s no way to know.

Original poster
Cherryblossom36 · 31/03/2018 19:13

Thanks all xxx

OP posts:
reallyanotherone · 31/03/2018 19:13

Do you think he will do the same to this woman. I don't get home he's a church minister now!

I think this is fairly common. The church, or some interpretations if it, can have fairly black and white rules about homosexuality. A man who doesn’t “want” or can’t accept his sexuality may seek out a situation where he has to abide by rules that prevent it.

I have a couple of friends who joined the catholic priesthood rather than “be gay”. One did leave in the end but it took him years. The other, afaik, is still a priest and can deny everything. He has the perfect reason for not being married/girlfriend.

kikashi · 31/03/2018 19:18

It's probably because he never properly explained his reasons and your mind can't really make sense of it. The "reality" of your relationship in your mind (loving, faithful,kind) is totally at odds with his behaviour. It was a shock you haven't been able to resolve or have"closure" about.

the sad fact of life is that often relationships end and we have no idea why and/or can't understand the behaviour of those we thought loved us. I think we ruminate from time to time about it as we just can't quite believe it still, make sense of it or fit it into the narrative.

I concur with others don't contact his wife.

sameoldsame · 31/03/2018 19:19

Even if he’s honest with her and it’s out between them
She might be ok with that, but you obviously weren’t
So you couldn’t have stayed with him
It’s not about him loving her more

Thistlebelle · 31/03/2018 19:30

Btw a church elder and a Church minister are not at all the same thing.

Original poster
Cherryblossom36 · 31/03/2018 19:33

Does an elder not preach?

OP posts:
Dozer · 31/03/2018 19:34

I would contact and tell his wife. If she knows, fine. If she doesn’t know, she deserves to know that he - and his family - are lying to her.

Thistlebelle · 31/03/2018 19:50

No Cherry not usually (assuming this is Church of Scotland)

They sit on the Kirk Session which is effectively a committee which makes decisions about the running of the church.

They might also sit on the Board which is the churches financial committee.

They may sit on or lead other committees eg the Eco congregation committee, Buildings committee or Worship Groups.

They help during services, welcoming people, handing out orders of service, passing the collection plate and bread and wine at communion.

They usually also have an elder’s district. This is a list of church members who they visit round about communion time and are responsible for (eg when I was pregnant and unwell my elder organised offers of support and visitors from the church).

If the minister was taken ill at the last minute they might lead worship I suppose but I’ve never seen it in all my years of attendance.

Original poster
Cherryblossom36 · 31/03/2018 20:06

It's seems quite a divide with some people advising to inform his wife and others not to.i suppose he should have technically told her he has had sex with men in the past as this isn't something you would not tell your life partner is it?

OP posts:
sameoldsame · 31/03/2018 20:10

DO not under any circumstances get involved with their life
You say his family knew
If nothing else, it’s just not your place and you don’t know anything about their relationship
Are you happy now? Because otherwise I am not sure why you would want to focus on something so far in the past for you, no matter how painful

Original poster
Cherryblossom36 · 31/03/2018 20:12

I am happy now but I'm still really hurt by what he did. I suppose it's like revenge but I don't feel tempted to contact them as what goes around comes around x

OP posts:
Thistlebelle · 31/03/2018 20:13

I’d be cautious about getting involved. If he cheated on you worhna woman would you consider telling her?

You have no proof he’s cheating now.
You don’t have a current relationship with him, only internet stalking.
It was a long time ago, you have no responsibility to tell her. His family might, but not you.

There’s no way to contact her without looking like a bitter, vindictive ex. I’m not sure that would be healthy for you at this point.

sameoldsame · 31/03/2018 20:21

Have you thought about talking it through with someone in rl
It sounds that perhaps you need to deal with how it’s affected you, and perhaps now you’re settled and happy it’s rearing it’s ugly head again.
Just might be good to have someone impartial to let it all out to
I was left 15 years ago by my boyfriend for my best friend Hmm
And I think only recently I’ve realised how much it impacted on my life.

Original poster
Cherryblossom36 · 31/03/2018 20:26

Same old that's awful. I'm sorry to hear that.i think I should book to see a counsellor to try and deal with it you are right x

OP posts:
sameoldsame · 31/03/2018 20:30

I’ve been seeing one. It’s helping a lot Things got even worse! But that was another thread.

SandyY2K · 31/03/2018 22:56

Seems religion is used a fair bit yo hide homosexuality

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/finding-priest-husband-gay-devastating-death/amp/

Attilathehunny · 01/04/2018 03:29

He may well be straight. Plenty of men have sex with men without identifying as gay or bi. It’s a real thing. It can be easier than having an affair or paying for sex. Or you can have more extreme sexual experiences than a lot of women are comfortable with.

BitOfFun · 01/04/2018 03:43

DO not under any circumstances get involved with their life
You say his family knew
If nothing else, it’s just not your place and you don’t know anything about their relationship
Are you happy now? Because otherwise I am not sure why you would want to focus on something so far in the past for you, no matter how painful.

^^This.

That said, I completely understand why you are still bothered. He was your best friend, and you trusted him. That's got to hurt and confuse you.

GertieMotherwell · 01/04/2018 09:12

I think the fact he’s bisexual is something you need to stop focussing on. He cheated on you and that’s why you broke up.

Maybe he has made a commitment to the church and his wife to be faithful.

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