Can't get over my ex fiancé who was secretly gay

[Cherryblossom36]

Ok this might be a weird story or situation. I'm now married with a child but can't get over my ex fiancé who was my soul mate and best friend.

About three months before our wedding, I discovered some text messages on his phone which were from another man. It turned out that he had been sleeping with a man possibly different man I'm really not sure. I was totally devastated. We were together for a long time and he was my best friend. I never would've suspected he was gay or bisexual. I've since discovered that he is married to a woman and I just can't get my head around the whole thing and all the lies that you told me. He didn't even try to win me back he just disappeared.

I don't understand why I'm still thinking about him. I just loved him so much and I feel like I've lost so much.

Has anyone else got any experience of an ex being secretly gay and how did you get over it?

I don't think you just stop being gay or bisexual.

After you caught him ...he'll know better how to hide it and his wife will probably never know, unless he confesses like the man in the link I posted upthread.

I also think there's a difference in your partner being gay and cheating on you. Because it's a whole different lifestyle that has been hidden from you ...and that would more than likely been a dealbreaker. Sexual orientation is a key factor in a relationship.

On top of this, you are at a higher risk of contracting an STD if your male partner is sleeping with men too.

I call it a very lucky escape OP

Thanks Sandy, I agree with you. X

I'm sorry but you might not want to hear this. But if after all this time you tell his wife, it says more about you as a person than it does about him.

Not sure what you mean cat

This is vindictive. He hurt you so now you are thinking of hurting him (6 years later) by hurting / potentially breaking up his marriage by contacting her.

I never suggesting contacting her. Someone else did

Also another thought / question. If you had a friend on here and she recognised you from this - would you be happy if she showed this post to your husband ?

After you caught him ...he'll know better how to hide it and his wife will probably never know, unless he confesses like the man in the link I posted upthread.

This.

Name This is not vindictiveness. I suggested letting his wife know having been in the same situation married to a secretly gay man. I wish someone had told me - it would have stopped the lies and deceit long before he finally admitted his six year affair with his best friend!

The feeling for sex with other men doesn't disappear - it seems to increase with age and yes gay men can and do have sex with women!

Name if you are my friend why would you want tosh or my husband?

To show

I wouldn't if I was your friend. All I'm saying is telling somones husband something that happened to you 6 years ago doesn't really serve a purpose. Yes he is probably gay, and yes perhaps he is still having affairs, but it's not really your party to rain on. He might have been bisexual and had now decided his preferred sexual partner is now female. Of course if I found out my husband is gay I would be devastated . But as you pointed out it wasn't you that suggested telling the wife so really my initial question to you is irrelevant.

Name 'not your party to rain on'? Seriously. It's no party she'd be raining on.

Cherry I agree with pp that some counselling will help you with your own devastation from six years ago and just think, you can count yourself lucky you didn't marry him after all :-)

When people come on here they seek advice. The wonderful thing about Mumsnet is to hear the wide variety of opinions from a wide variety of people etc. Sometimes the advice is exactly what you need to hear as it would have been what you wanted to do, only needing a small push to send you on your way. Also it's good to hear other opinions that might not sit comfortably with you but is still worth seeing. It's devil's advocate iyswim. Thats it really. I In no way mean any offence to anyone and if it has come across that way it certainly was not my intention. I will bow out now.