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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating men over 40 who've never married or had kids

66 replies

LiteraryDevil · 28/03/2018 22:24

Hi, fairly new here but have been wondering about this for a while. I'm recently back on the dating scene after ending my relationship with a divorced man who had two kids. His relationship with his ex wife was still very involved and he was essentially still emotionally married. Anyway, I've been thinking about changing my approach but wondering if men over the age of 40 who've never been married/in a long term relationship and/or don't have kids are a red flag in themselves? I tend to give the benefit of the doubt but do wonder how they have stayed single and childless for so long and if it often (not always) means there's some major personality flaws or issues. Or have they just been unlucky in love? What do you think? Anyone with experience to share?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/03/2018 22:30

I'd hate to think men feel this way about my gorgeous, accomplished, funny 40-something never-been-married-or-had-kids single female friends.

Depends though I guess.

ShatnersWig · 28/03/2018 22:30

Maybe they were in a LTR but their partner had been previously married and didn't want to marry again. Or that partner did want or couldn't have children. I think it's silly to make broad assumptions before knowing anyone's actual circumstances.

UkuleleRose · 28/03/2018 22:32

I've gone down that route and never again. Run fast, run far.

LiteraryDevil · 28/03/2018 22:35

Ukelerose why is that?

PPs I am definitely not judging, I'm just wondering as to the reasons why they might be single and not have kids. I maybe could have phrased it better.

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil · 28/03/2018 22:36

Ukulele sorry for the misspelling Blush

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Beamur · 28/03/2018 22:40

I know several very nice men who were in long term relationships/married but either they or their partners has fertility issues. Not everyone is childless by choice. I also know other men, kind, decent, etc, who don't want kids.

counterpoint · 28/03/2018 22:43

I know a couple of very eligible bachelors in their early 40s who had long term relationships with career women that didn't want to settle down. The eligible men also spent too long building up their own careers or businesses and never had the time to develop strong relationships that led to family. There's nothing wrong with them. Just slow to get going. Smile

HotNatured · 28/03/2018 22:45

Like me my 40 something fiancé has never been married or had kids, luckily I wasn’t so closed minded to think there must be something wrong with him, as like me, he never met anyone he loved enough to want to marry and like me he never had kids as didnt want them. He’s amazing, perfect for me, in fact. We have a v healthy, happy relationship.

Conversely, I have dated plenty of dysfunctional divorced men with kids who have had huge issues and have been an absolute nightmare, as have their ex wives.

dirtybadger · 28/03/2018 22:53

No marriage, no kids, no LTRs = red flag (IMO)

But if they have had LTR(s), then I dont think being unmarried is an issue. Especially as in the absence of kids there is less of an incentive for him and his previous partners to get married.

And obviously no kids could be for all sorts of reasons.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 28/03/2018 22:58

I know a couple of very eligible bachelors in their early 40s counterpoint can you send them my way! I'd give my right arm for someone without the baggage of kids or loopy exes (who are still in the picture due to aforementioned kids).

MaudlinMews · 28/03/2018 23:00

I know several and as far as I’m aware, theyre all perfectly normal. They just like the single life and have no compulsion to get married or have children. All have careers, friends, interests etc..

DrFoxtrot · 28/03/2018 23:35

I don’t think it’s a red flag as such, as PP said, history of LTR shows they are capable of commitment. However, I find that men with children are more likely to understand difficulties with childcare/ shared care with an XP etc. For that reason, I tend to gravitate towards men with children already but its not that not having them is a red flag.

DrFoxtrot · 28/03/2018 23:37

I think if I was child free then someone else child free might be more likely to appeal to me.

BonnieF · 29/03/2018 00:01

Plenty of people, male and female, don’t want to have kids. Plenty of people like being single. Having children is normal, for some people. Not having them is perfectly normal for others. There is absolutely nothing odd about that at all.

snapperstickers68 · 29/03/2018 00:04

There’s always a reason.
I met a never married, never had kids man in his mid Forties.

He’d been in a 15 year relationship with a woman who already had young teens when they met (he was 24, she was thirties I think).

He did say they’d vaguely discussed marriage once but she’d not seemed that interested as she’d married and had kids young before him.

He also said they became accidentally pregnant but terminated because she already had children. He was mid twenties by then so probably still not thinking about a family of his own that young just yet.

So that’s his reasons for never being married or having kids in his forties.

Then he met me, a lone parent with a baby and toddler. Six years later we are engaged, a first time marriage for both of us.

I’ve only personally known one another never married, no kids Forties man. He was active in the local church community and lived at home with his elderly parents. We dated once, but it was clear that although he was nice, he was kind of sheltered. I suspect he’d never had a girlfriend at all, actually.

Ofthread · 29/03/2018 00:08

Well my aging aunt said to me when I started going out with older (34 at the time) ex ‘aren’t you worried that he’s never been married?’ At the time I thought she was loopy. Indeed, he wouldn’t marry me or have a child, and then he left with one of our so-called friends. I really want him to fuck her over too, I know I’m bitter. I’m very damaged.

FrogsSpawnofSanta · 29/03/2018 00:32

My partner is a 40 something, never been married, no kids and no long term relationships man and there certainly no red flags or issues from it.

In fact compared to my previous LTR and marriage with men who had kids or previous marriages/ LTR he is the one who had given me the most stable, secure and happiest relationship. He also has an amazing relationship with my child, better than his actual father has.

There are countless reasons why people don't marry, have long term relationships or kids. In my partner's case it was a mix of work, supporting ill family members and he is a genuinely humble person who lacked a bit of confidence in approaching women.

Don't write anyone off just because they haven't had major romantic relationships in their life. They may surprise you.

HoHoHoHo · 29/03/2018 00:37

I think you just need to treat men as individuals. I know some arseholes who are married with kids and some arseholes who have never been married. Focus more on them as s person and how they treat you. Before I met dp I swore I'd never consider dating someone who had children but he changed my mind.

PenelopeLane · 29/03/2018 00:38

How LTR do you define LTR as a red flag? My last thing was with someone who had had a few 12 - 18 month relationships and that was a red flag as I think it pointed to a pattern of putting them on a pedestal and not appreciating what makes for a decent solid relationship

Tinkerbellx · 29/03/2018 00:44

Hi
Sorry I've not read all the thread but here goes ... I'm 47 and 4 years out of a 27 year relationship .

My dp of 12 months is 42, never married and no dc . I have 4 .( 2 independent ).
I pushed him away a lot to start with as I just wouldn't entertain dating a younger childless man .
A year later he is the lie love of my life , fairly sure he feels the same and it turns out he can't have children and never had a desire to have his own anyway .
He is good with mine but primarily focusing on us .
He's realistic about the future and the fact that an older possibly less sweet little girl might one day be a little more challenging .
He's a man of action not words and looking to rent together maybe next year prior to buying .
He's not a mummy's boy but he has a great family .
He had 2 previous LTR .... the last one of 4 years he was engaged to and she had an affair and really hurt him .
Anyways ..... I truly hope this works for us and feel so lucky I've met such a beautiful guy ..... with no other ties is a bonus for me x
Keep an open mind .

Jellyheadbang · 29/03/2018 04:17

I’ve been out with a few of these since my divorce. Unfortunately in my case they all had huge issues (many to do with not having had kids) and they all struggled with my priorities.
I feel that if they’d have had kids of their own they might not have been quite so up their own arses.
I will never date a childless man again, I want someone on the same page as me.

LiteraryDevil · 29/03/2018 09:26

I definitely wouldn't rule out a man with no children or LTR history. I have 3 children, the youngest is 3 so I tend to think those with kids will be more tuned in to what my life entails. I do know childless men who have happily taken on someone else's children. My BIL for example and also my brother before his wife died.

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cakecakecheese · 29/03/2018 10:08

My previous bf was 47 and had never been married and had no children. Now I can see why. Many many reasons why.

However this doesn't mean every man over 40 is like that. Some people, both male and female, just don't feel the urge to settle down until a bit later in life .

Also I think I'd rather a guy who had never been married than one who had and was a complete arse in said marriage.

LiteraryDevil · 29/03/2018 13:38

Cake that's very true. I think I'm wary of both. The guy after my husband was not at all involved with his ex except via email if necessary and he was so bitter it gave me a nasty taste in my mouth. The guy I've recently split from was so involved he was still practically married. NEW joint accounts ffs. Keys to each other's houses, constant messages and swapping things about and he was just her doormat. So I'm hoping there's men out there who are very different and have positive things to bring to a relationship.hence wondering about those with no baggage as it were. Such a horrible term.

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qate · 29/03/2018 13:50

I met my now DH just as he turned 40 (and I was significantly younger - late 20s). He'd had never been married and didn't have children - it did raise a flag for me at the time (I initially assumed he must be gay as I couldn't understand how such a great guy wasn't already married with kids!). Turned out he'd just prioritised other things, (mainly work and, to an even greater degree, volunteer work). Nearly six years later, we're married with a young DS and I thank my lucky stars every day that he didn't get snapped up before I had the chance to meet him!

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