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Original poster

Am I being controlling?

68 replies

SM2132 · 28/03/2018 15:49

There is a woman at my DHs work who is 26 (not really relevant I suppose), single. He is 36 (again, not really relevant). She messages him a lot. To me, the messages read as flirty. Stuff like 'miss you man', 'you are my best friend, can't wait till you are back so we can go for lunch'. Sent on his days off. I mostly turn a blind eye. However, she sends selfies of herself to him. Supposedly for him to pass on to his single friend as he is trying to set them up. (This sounds believable but it is kind of a long standing joke- it has been going on 2 years and they haven't swapped numbers or made any attempt to meet).
I suppose what I am asking is, am I being controlling being annoyed about the selfies and the messages. I am confident nothing physical at all is going on but the messages annoy me. If she sends messages like that when he is at home, how are they together at work?

OP posts:
Feckers2018 · 28/03/2018 16:06

What are the selfies like? Are they sexual? I wouldn't be very pleased at all. You are right to question this. She is flirting with him pretending its friendly banter.

XJerseyGirlX · 28/03/2018 16:07

No, I would be annoyed too. rightly or wrongly so.. I think its pretty disrespectful of your husband tbh

Would he like it if it was the other way round?

claret3189 · 28/03/2018 16:09

I think this is inappropriate and you have been a lot more understanding then i would be

Orchidflower1 · 28/03/2018 16:12

You’re not been controlling- I would be cross and upset with dh if it was me.

Dvg · 28/03/2018 16:14

I wouldnt be happy about it and would make sure my partner knew that i thought it was unnappropriate.

I wouldnt want it to be awkward between them BUT there is a line and photos are on that line

Thebluedog · 28/03/2018 16:15

No, not controlling, I’d find this very close to crossing boundaries and I’d nit be happy.

I don’t have any issues with my dp having female friends or work colleagues he talks to, but those messages are too close to the wire and the selfies are also inappropriate

EightdaysaweekIloveu · 28/03/2018 16:17

No you are not being controlling and your husband would want to grow up and show you some respect. There doesn't seem to be any boundaries, yes they are friends, I'd be grand with that and texting to a point but selfies?? Why?

AngelsSins · 28/03/2018 16:18

And how would he react if a man was sending you flirty texts and selfies? He'd be fine with that would he? I call bullshit on the "friend" he's setting her up with and I think he enjoys the attention.

Onelasttime94 · 28/03/2018 16:19

She's crossing a line and your husband is letting her.
You need to talk to him!

AngelsSins · 28/03/2018 16:19

By the way, you're allowed to have some control over YOUR relationship and the boundaries you put in place both as a couple, and for yourself.

bonnyshide · 28/03/2018 16:20

Yep I agree, a line has been crossed. You are not controlling if you request this stops.

Adora10 · 28/03/2018 16:23

However, she sends selfies of herself to him. Supposedly for him to pass on to his single friend as he is trying to set them up. (This sounds believable but it is kind of a long standing joke- it has been going on 2 years and they haven't swapped numbers or made any attempt to meet).

Nah, sorry, I doubt that very much. They are both behaving in a way that is highly disrespectful to you, esp your so called husband, what a cheeky sod; openly flirting with her in and out of work, not giving a good impression to other colleagues either I bet.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 28/03/2018 16:31

They’re both taking the piss out of you OP

colditz · 28/03/2018 16:32

You could kibosh this immediately but he would need to agree

For every selfie she sends, send one back of yourself. She will soon be sharply reminded that this man has a wife, who is present and aware of her.

Original poster
SM2132 · 28/03/2018 16:54

Thanks everyone. Everything here I have said to him. This isn't a new thing. Been going on for 2 years or so. I have kicked off massively today as I just thought, enough is enough. He said 'there's nothing in it' etc etc, his usual excuses where he acts surprised and confused at my annoyance (even though we have had it out numerous times about it).
Anyway, I said today that it may not be a big deal to him but I don't like it and that should be enough. I shouldn't have to argue the in's and out's of it, the fact that a line is crossed for me is enough. So I have left the house and gone to a friends with our baby. I have told him I would ring her and tell her myself (more to see his reaction)- he told me to fuck off and that I have ruined the day going on at him. So I have fucked off!

OP posts:
PrizeOik · 28/03/2018 17:02

I don't think this is something you should try to argue with your husband.

He is showing you what his boundaries are, and they don't match up with your values / ideas about what's ok in a relationship.

I'd take him at his word. You know you can't live with him doing this, and he's made it clear he's not changing. Arguing about it implies that his values/boundaries are yours to decide, and they aren't.

So I'd leave it, leave it be, and perhaps start quietly lining ducks up. There is really nothing to gain, arguing with someone who doesn't want to show you the respect you want.

Fwiw, I personally would not be bothered by selfies and texting and so on. But you are allowed to be. The trick is though - you can't convince him that HE should care about how you feel, when he's made it clear he doesn't x

SandyY2K · 28/03/2018 17:04

I don't blame you for leaving the house. Bloody cheek.

If he was going to set her up eith his mate...it would have happened by now. 2 years! That's taking the piss.

Would he be happy with you having that kind of relationship with another man.

You arent controlling at all.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/03/2018 17:06

So you have seen the messages she is sending to him. What about the messages he sends to her? Are they in a similar tone?

I totally agree with you. You are his wife and you have told him the messages make you uncomfortable (multiple times) regardless of the content. And the fact he is not doing anything to stop them is massively disrespectful.

gussyfinknottle · 28/03/2018 17:13

My dh has a couple of female friends at work. Who behave like grown ups. None of this childish nonsense.

Original poster
SM2132 · 28/03/2018 17:17

Exactly. He wouldn't like me doing it. I am quite laid back in a lot of respects, nights out etc I have no problem with. But endless messages (and they are endless, she messages 4 times before he has even replied to the first one) and her sending selfies annoy me. He says 'just trust me'. Which I do not to do anything physical. But like pp said if our morals/values are different, there is a problem.

OP posts:
Feelings · 28/03/2018 17:20

He's telling you to fuck off which in other words means he does not care how it is affecting you or your relationship with him.
Honestly I would be threatening to leave him.
If it's been going on for this long and he is continuing to disrespect those boundaries, he sounds like he cares more for her feelings than yours.

Butterymuffin · 28/03/2018 17:22

He is prioritising her over you. Tell him it's clear that's what this is and it's not acceptable.

Onelasttime94 · 28/03/2018 17:25

Tell him you're leaving because he lacks morals and respect! Telling you to fuck off is out of order!
Doesn't sound like he is going to stop so you need to decide what you want.

Original poster
SM2132 · 28/03/2018 17:26

I wouldn't care either if they were normal mature chatty messages. Not all this crap! His replies used to be flirty with lots of xxxx on the end but he pretty much stopped that as I was annoyed at it. But obv she has continued so it makes me think he must flirt back at work otherwise why would she think it would be a normal thing to do. He doesn't send photos back. I did used to see photos on his phone from their lunchbreak of selfies together though! I wasn't snooping (originally) we often borrow each others phones to look at photos of baby etc.

OP posts:
DairyisClosed · 28/03/2018 17:26

I could never imagine my DH entertaining this kind of behaviour. Presumably yours just likes the attention and it's all innocent but that does not make it appropriate. It reflects badly on him to entertain such behaviour when he is married.

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