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Original poster

Am I being controlling?

68 replies

SM2132 · 28/03/2018 15:49

There is a woman at my DHs work who is 26 (not really relevant I suppose), single. He is 36 (again, not really relevant). She messages him a lot. To me, the messages read as flirty. Stuff like 'miss you man', 'you are my best friend, can't wait till you are back so we can go for lunch'. Sent on his days off. I mostly turn a blind eye. However, she sends selfies of herself to him. Supposedly for him to pass on to his single friend as he is trying to set them up. (This sounds believable but it is kind of a long standing joke- it has been going on 2 years and they haven't swapped numbers or made any attempt to meet).
I suppose what I am asking is, am I being controlling being annoyed about the selfies and the messages. I am confident nothing physical at all is going on but the messages annoy me. If she sends messages like that when he is at home, how are they together at work?

OP posts:

Hotdoggity · 28/03/2018 23:49

Why on earth is your husband prioritising the feelings of this colleague over the feelings of his wife?

Hotdoggity · 28/03/2018 23:50

Also, if they joke about the selfies being intended to go to someone for romantic interest, then they both implicitly understand that it’s not an entirely appropriate or platonic move.

XJerseyGirlX · 29/03/2018 06:43

He likes the attention op. Sounds like she has a crush too. He is lapping it up. Cheeky sod

Lizzie48 · 29/03/2018 09:29

He's behaving like a teenager, not a grown man with a wife and baby. You're absolutely not controlling, he's manipulated you into believing that of yourself.

justbecause14 · 29/03/2018 09:42

Of course you're not being controlling. I've got a similar problem that my DH has a circle of friends. One of the women is very loud and overly familiar with my H. She dangled her tits in his face and pretended to grind on him recently and everyone, including her H thought it was hilarious. I'm fed up being the cool wife about it all for fear that I'm accused of being jealous and controlling. I just feel it's completely inappropriate and disrespectful to me. But I'm the newcomer to the group. My H knows it's not right but finds it difficult to find a way of moderating her behaviour around him as there is no intention it's just who she is.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/03/2018 09:49

I hope you're in a better mood now

!??!?!?!?

Fuck that.

I hope you've remembered you're married

hellsbellsmelons · 29/03/2018 10:00

Wow - you've put up with this for 2 years!!???
Rather you than me.
I'd have been long gone by now.
What he is doing is NOT OK.
It's disrespectful to you and your DC.
I'd be making long weekend plans away and without him right now!
Leave him to it.
Telll HIM to fuck off - entitled wanker!

DownTownAbbey · 29/03/2018 10:02

I think the ages do matter. As well as being hugely disrespectful to you it's all a bit warped. She's mid twenties acting like a teenager. He's a decade older, sucking up attention from someone immature for her age. Very odd dynamic. I know she's irritating to you but there's a chance that she's vulnerable.

I'd see this ridiculous attention seeking as a character flaw in your H. Personally I'd think less of him for it. Add to that the fact that he's so dismissive of your feelings and he comes across as a selfish jerk.

rach01pink · 29/03/2018 10:17

I think he likes the attention, possibly fancies her but would never do anything physical.. Its not good enough. If he wants attention from women he needs to be single then....you're playing you're part being a good mum and giving him a child and this is how he repays you... Not good enough... You and baby need to be his world and you need to feel you are.. I would go mental.... I would probably turn up at his work to meet him as a surprise and see how she acts but I'm a bit of a jealous hormonal psycho so may be don't do that lol xx

Bluntness100 · 29/03/2018 10:28

I'm normally quite tolerant but I'd have issues with this too. Not the fact she does it, she wouldn't be my problem and would be irrelevant to me, but the fact he not just tolerates it, but encourages it by responding. Because if he ignored her she'd stop.

I suspect he likes the attention and is enjoying it.

However, I am a bit of a bitch and would probably put him off by saying things like god she's a bit desperate isn't she. Or don't set her up with uour mate, she's a proper bunny boiler, he'd never get a moments peace. Look at what she's like with you, it would be a million times worse in a relationship. Or even, god she must be really lonely does she not have any friends?

I'd just kind of making him think of the negatives. But that ship has sailed for you. So I'd ask him why he was responding and encouraging it when she clearly has problems.😳

Mommasoph30 · 29/03/2018 11:20

no you are not Husband wants his cake and eat it!!!

lifebegins50 · 29/03/2018 11:36

I think this issue has highlighted how your H doesn't care that you are upset.

Does he attitude show in other ways or is this the only issue?

He is getting attention from this woman and that is more important than your happiness...plus he is labelling you controlling and blaming you for raising it

Try not to react, state what you want and if he does not respond positively you have your answer.

Lacucuracha · 29/03/2018 11:46

It's not passive aggressive to refuse to sort food for a man who tells you to fuck off. Let him order his own bloody takeaway!

Adora10 · 29/03/2018 12:06

Are you sure they are not actually having an affair, sounds very cosy, selfies together, he's massively disrespecting you, I am glad you have enough love for yourself to not suffer his shit.

Adora10 · 29/03/2018 12:11

And stop nagging as he puts it, he can see very clearly how much this upsets you but he continues to stick the knife in; let him have her, you deserve so much more than this crap.

Ivebeenthinking · 29/03/2018 12:35

I suppose all relationships are different and the line is different with every couple but I would start to have a problem with the first private or non group 'informal style' message a female sent DH. We have a very open policy when it comes to phones, it's not something we've talked about just something we've fallen into really - and have access to each other's phones if we want. So if I was to come across a message, especially if he hadn't thought to mention it to me beforehand, I would have a problem. I don't believe it's controlling no. I would expect him to do the same.

seventh · 29/03/2018 15:18

I'm always wary of anyone - man or woman - who, when the other person in the conversation is upset or troubled, blames the upset person for feeling upset/troubled.

There is definitely something wrong with the blame-er , lack of empathy and understanding is a worry for me.

Your H might be tired of you mentioning this woman , but the fact that you still have to mention her because she's still around, speaks volumes and the fact that nothing changes, also speaks volumes.

Easy for me to say ... but I would not want to be married or in a relationship with him.

seventh · 29/03/2018 15:39

Just saw this on Facebook and thought of you, @SM2132

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