Am I being controlling?

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There is a woman at my DHs work who is 26 (not really relevant I suppose), single. He is 36 (again, not really relevant). She messages him a lot. To me, the messages read as flirty. Stuff like 'miss you man', 'you are my best friend, can't wait till you are back so we can go for lunch'. Sent on his days off. I mostly turn a blind eye. However, she sends selfies of herself to him. Supposedly for him to pass on to his single friend as he is trying to set them up. (This sounds believable but it is kind of a long standing joke- it has been going on 2 years and they haven't swapped numbers or made any attempt to meet).
I suppose what I am asking is, am I being controlling being annoyed about the selfies and the messages. I am confident nothing physical at all is going on but the messages annoy me. If she sends messages like that when he is at home, how are they together at work?

Certainly not! I would be fuming at this, how bloody disrespectful. And 2 years, my god you r laid back. Well done for standing your ground though and I'd leave too! Let him sit and think what he's risking losing.

I would have a word with her at this point.

She is so in the wrong and she’s doing it because he said you are okay with it and/or don’t care. Let her know you do care.

Op this would be slightly worrying for me. I have a close friend of the opposite sex at work whom I have regular lunch with and occasional banter on WhatsApp but there are boundaries ! No xxxxx and it's occasional banter not frequent as we see each other at work anywaz ! We share pictures of our family holidays etc but not selfies of ourselves - that would be strange!!
Can you do a reverse role and try to let him see what it looks like if you behaved like that ? I can't believe that he really can't see anything wrong their behaviour!

What an arse.. He's come to the conclusion you'll just put up with it. You need to show him otherwise or decide he lacks too much respect to move forward!

He is putting her feelings over yours by telling you to fuck off. He is prioritising her texts and selfies over your relationship!

I wouldn't like this one bit and I honestly don't think I would stay in a relationship with someone who cared that little about my feelings.

I really feel for you, I don't think you should give in to this! it is not acceptable!

It sounds like they are having an emotional affair. This is as bad as a sexual affair or in someways worse.
They are sharing feelings , emotions etc. This is what relationships are made of. Sex is a product of this if it is not just a shag.
These chats , fun times , sharing emotions and points of view are what make a relationship and are what he should be sharing with you exclusively.

That's not on. Hopefully you leaving will shake him up a bit. Even if the friendship is purely platonic in his eyes it sounds like she is taking it too far and he needs to nip it in the bud and set boundaries with her. Don't reply to all her messages or be etc- reduce the attention he gives her.

My DH is a SAHP. He's got mainly mum friends. One in particular is a flirty lude person, and attractive. I've got to know her and have made my peace with their friendship, and we're good friends too. She's the sort that would flirt with a lamppost iyswim. But I trust DH implicitly even if I don't trust her 100% (she's actually had an emotional affair with another SAHD last summer that caused a lot of drama in the town as she's friends with everyone!)

Once things have settled can you perhaps get DH to invite her round for dinner so you get to know her better? If he is resistant to that then I'd be suspicious...

I would have a word with her at this point.

yes because if your husband doesn't give a fuck how you feel, you should definitely ask his friends to help you manage how he behaves. That's how you solve this problem!

*I don't think this is something you should try to argue with your husband.

He is showing you what his boundaries are, and they don't match up with your values / ideas about what's ok in a relationship.

I'd take him at his word. You know you can't live with him doing this, and he's made it clear he's not changing. Arguing about it implies that his values/boundaries are yours to decide, and they aren't.

So I'd leave it, leave it be, and perhaps start quietly lining ducks up. There is really nothing to gain, arguing with someone who doesn't want to show you the respect you want.*

Brilliant post @PrizeOik - utterly brilliant

She sounds like a teenager and very needy. Your H needs to say to her, 'I have a wife, I like hanging out with you but stop messaging me like a potential partner. I'm not.'
He's not respecting you or being strong. You've been fair and not tried to stop their relationship, just the part that crosses the line.
I don't blame you for leaving, he needs to get his priorities straight.

I agree with everything that has been said. I have said all this before, he makes me feel like I am being over-dramatic. I have come home to bath baby etc and walked in, his first words were 'I hope you are in a better mood'. Can't believe his fucking nasty attitude to me.
He said I want him to create a drama at work by telling her to stop messaging (ie people will gossip, she does sound like the sort to tell everyone) so I said why can't he block her number and tell her his phone is broken, who cares if she doesn't believe him.
I am genuinely upset now, not just by the messaging but by how he doesn't care if I am upset. He would be quite happy if I just shut up about it and was inwardly upset so long as it doesn't affect him. He thinks I just nag at him for everything.
Believe it or not, he is quite a lovely person to everyone, he suffers from anxiety and hates to let people down or upset anyone, everyone apart from me obviously!

This is out of order OP, and I don’t just mean the texting. His attitude towards you is out of order. He does not respect you.

The selfies and multiple message on days off would be crossing a line for me too. But making you feel like a nag is worse. It's dismissive of you and your feelings. It could well be the end of the line, and if it is it's on him not you.

I know. The thing is, I hate the person I am when I go on about it, I get so stressed out and shouty. Where I then lose the moral high ground, so to speak. There is nothing more to be said tonight, I said 'Do you want something ordering for tea?' as nothing was made when I got home and need to eat and feed ds1 (Wasn't going to go all passive aggressive and order without asking him even though I felt like it!) He said 'Well, you probably don't think I deseeve anything'. How pathetic is that! I just said 'Well I am ordering so let me know'.
I think I will just have tea and have a hot bath and stay out of his way. He is back in work tomorrow so at least it won't be a day of arguing like today!

I wouldn't order anything he's taking the piss!

Be strong. There doesn't need to be any drama at work. That's his choice. He can frame this how he wants eg I've had a think over Easter and want to create better boundaries between work and home.

I think you just need to consistently tell him it's disrespectful and he wouldn't be ok if your we're flirting with another man every single day. You need to buy "not just friends" by Shirley Glass and get him to read it.

His attitude is really childish- is he always this immature? Sounds like he's sulking and trying to turn the issue around and make it about you being a nag.

What do you do OP? Are you a SAHP or on mat leave (out of interest)

Stop bloody pandering to this man.

Stop trying to persuade him that he is doing something wrong. Stop trying to get him to agree or admit that he is out of order. This is why you are failing time and time again to make any progress in what is an intolerable situation.

It doesn't matter what he agrees or admits. You have completely lost sight of your boundaries and are trying to manage his instead.

The correct -and truthful - discussion with him needs to be "I find your relationship with X whilst you are married to me to be intolerable. I find your behaviour towards me completely disrespectful. I am not prepared to put up with it or continue in this marriage if it carries on. Either it stops today or you leave this house" .

Simple. Cool. Keep your self respect and bloody mean it.

I honestly don’t think he’s going to suddenly share your values and be like omg yeah your right I’m being really disrespectful. He’s going to carry on, and when he gets really annoyed by you he will then start deleting messages etc which will drive you even more crazy. If it was me I couldn’t live like this, I’d ask him to leave. He’s disrespecting you and your little family to your face and the fact this has gone on for 2 years he knows your just going to let him. He’s having an emotional affair, sorry but who the fuck takes selfies with a woman at work like a teenager? If he genuinely loved you he wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. Chuck him out and let him concentrate on being a good dad not a shitty partner.

It’s normal to have a friend of the opposite sex but how they’re acting isn’t friendly in the slightest and he’s manipulating you to make you think your the one in the wrong. He sounds vile.

no, just no. way over the line here. i would be livid and it is so disrespectful. show him this thread.

I would tell him to fuck off to her. He is prioritising her over you and your marriage..There is NOTHING wrong with your reactions..he is not behaving lime he cares about you or like a good husband..
No way in hell would I stay with a men who was texting daily a 26year old from work and shared bloody selfies...just no way

Like I said, use his phone to send her selfies signed "Love from his actual wife and child xxx"