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Original poster

To feel down about lack of friendships

61 replies

CabbagePatch91 · 27/03/2018 22:25

I actually posted this on another thread but it made me realise that others may be feeling the same or could even give some friendly advice.

I've been feeling really down about how little genuine friendships I have. I've traveled, had a few jobs and moved about a bit in the past few years so feel that my only close people are my fiance, my mum and a close friend who lives far down south while I'm based in Scotland. Therefore we rarely get to see each other (maybe once a year).

I have 'friends' who only seem to get in touch to talk about themselves or are frequently enjoying days/nights out with their other friends. I'm currently four months pregnant and feel rather isolated.

I have, however, joined two yoga classes for mums to be and signed up to some apps to engage with and possibly meet up with other women/mums to be. But it doesn't seem to be taking off. I don't really work with anyone who I could potentially be friends with due to the nature of the job and their busy lives.

I feel admitiddly sad for opening up about this. A bit of a pathetic situation at the age of 26. I don't even really have enough close female friends in my life to throw a baby shower...

I honestly don't mean to sound miserable, it's just the way that it currently is. Hopefully, it'll change in the next few years. But I really am trying to find new ways to meet people and maybe once my little once is here, I can get out to mother and baby groups and meet more people.

For all of you who feel the same or similar, I'm with you Flowers

OP posts:
Scotschic · 27/03/2018 22:41

I don’t really have friends either, I’m 37 and I think you get fewer friends as you age, I have work friends but it’s not the same, you don’t want to confess your deepest secrets, desires and insecurities to work friends do you?!

Scotschic · 27/03/2018 22:42

Plus can’t remember the last time I had a right laugh with a group of great females which is what I’d love to have 😟

Original poster
CabbagePatch91 · 27/03/2018 22:50

No I most certainly don't want to share my inner thoughts with colleagues.

Me too to having a right old laugh and nice time 😔

Are you Scottish?

OP posts:
losingmymindiam · 27/03/2018 22:53

Being pregnant and having little ones is one of the best times in adulthood to make friends. Join as many groups as you can. Strike up conversations and be brave and ask if people want to go for a coffee. It is really hard as an adult I think. It dies take a lot longer than when you are young and make instant best friends. The group of women together for a laugh takes shared experience and time. My NCT group is a group like that but it took a good few years for us to bond.

Scotschic · 27/03/2018 22:57

Exactly, plus they may spread your gossip about, not good!

Yes Scottish, are you?

I tend to meet ‘friends’ that put me down a lot and after speaking to a counsellor (I was attending counselling about other things and lack of good friendships came up) I came to the conclusion that I’m pretty confident and I have no trouble admitting my failures etc, etc and I was constantly befriending women that couldn’t accept their own failures, ie if a man cheated on them then they’d see it as their fault whereas my ‘friends’ would blame themselves, I can admit that in my whole life I have, obviously, at times been jealous of people for whatever reason whereas other people ALWAYS tell me that they’ve never ever been jealous of anyone, which IMO is crap and it didn’t fit in with their personalities IFSWIM, she also advised me to be friends with older women rather than younger (which the ones I’m talking about were) or the same age, she said older women are more secure in themselves therefore they will be ok with me being secure in myself, does this make sense?

lalalado · 27/03/2018 23:00

Same here, I'm 22 first child and don't have any real friendships . I've recently moved areas and finding it hard to make friends, I've tried the finding mum friends and just had no luck

Scotschic · 27/03/2018 23:01

Sorry the bit about friends blaming themselves for men cheating was typed twice by accident, I meant I’d see a man cheating as his fault whereas friends would blame their own selves.

Basically I’m crap at picking whose a friend and whose not! My last 4 female friends all put me down about my insecurities, which I shouldn’t voice until I know and trust someone 100%.

Trying2bgd · 27/03/2018 23:07

Joining playgroups or mums to be groups and volunteering to help clear up, make tea. You often become sisters in arms with the other volunteers and it’s less daunting to strike up a conversation.

Scotschic · 27/03/2018 23:12

Obviously not every woman that’s younger than me is going to be bad but it just so happened that every bad friend I had described was the same age as me or younger and the counsellor said she had experienced the same sorts of things and so she herself now has older friends and she said they are fine.

I think part of my problem is that I’m too honest and lots of people, that I have known anyway, seem to want to be bullshitted & pandered too and I just don’t B.S or pander to them because that’s not me, I call as I see it and I expect total honesty in return too!

I either meet 2 types of women; either nitpicking put me down types or total needy types that don’t seem to respect boundaries and personal space! Honestly I get along better with guys but I NEED female friends.

Happymummy1991 · 27/03/2018 23:19

I feel the same. I do have a couple of good friends but I really wish I had more of a social life. To be fair though I make no effort to make friends so it is my own fault. DH works alot so when he is not working I want to spend time as a family and when he's at work I mostly spend my time at home with DD (2.5) and I'm just a bit lazy about getting out and seeing people.
39 weeks pregnant as well so I think that my lack of desire to boost my social life is a bit down to tiredness at the moment. Hopefully once I've had the baby I will have the energy to be a bit more social Grin

Happymummy1991 · 27/03/2018 23:33

I will also say that I gave the mum and baby groups a go but didn't really click with the other mum's even though they were lovely ladies. I think it might be to do with the area I live in though, most of the mum's were older than me and the area I live in is quite posh. The best way I can describe it is that they are the kind of women who shop in Joules and Im the kind that shops in top shop haha. Nothing whatsoever against joules or women that shop there it is just the best way I can think of to explain what I mean. Maybe once baby is here I should try again with the groups but try ones that are a bit further away.

HariboIsMyCrack · 27/03/2018 23:39

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

WrenNatsworthy · 27/03/2018 23:41

NCT can be a great way to make new friends.
I didn't do it but know people who did.
I also made friends with people who I did pregnancy yoga with, and pregnancy aqua aerobics too.

My DS is now 10 - and I still say hi to those folk when I see them, but have made deeper friendships with folk who have children in his class at school.

mumgointhroughtorture · 27/03/2018 23:52

I have a few friends but seem to spend my time playing counsellor and sometimes they don't even ask about me . My best friend is the biggest drama llama I know and she wouldn't be able to tell me anything about my life . It's all about her !!! I don't even bother talking to her about me coz there's no point.
I think a lot of people are selfish now . I would love to have more caring friends.

Original poster
CabbagePatch91 · 28/03/2018 08:08

Thank you all. Guess I'm not alone in feeling the way I do.

Scotschic - yeah, I'm in Scotland.

I've had a look into the mumsnet group on Facebook Haribols - there were two to choose from: CHUMNS and bumchums so I hope I chose the right one Grin.

Thanks to those advising that NCT is good. I'll suss that out today. My only worry is that I invest in yet another maternity class and don't really meet anyone. I do try, it seems that the women go purely just for yoga/exercise and not so much friendship, though.

Wouldn't it just be wonderful if we all lived closer and could be each others pals!

OP posts:
Wishfulmakeupping · 28/03/2018 08:13

I promise you op having a baby you’ll make so many new friends- I met friends for life at antenatal, baby massage and playgroups now dd has started school a new group of school Mum friends. You will make a lovely network of friends I’m sure op.

JeremiahBackflip · 28/03/2018 08:17

I'm the same. I've not actually had a best friend since my best friend callously skipped off to Manchester for uni almost 20 years ago.

I've moved around a bit and whilst I've been friendly with people I've been too shy to really be proper friends.

Now DD is in school, I've made some friends with school mums but I realised that they are all closer and I'm on the periphery. It makes me feel sad and I don't know how to change it.

I just really want a best friend. DH is nice enough but it's not the same as a proper best friend. You know, the type of friend you love but don't have sex with.

Yrs
At a loss and lonely

MiniTheMinx · 28/03/2018 08:28

I made a couple of friends from the school DS1 first attended. But on the whole I found mum meet ups tedious. Ok, we all shared similar experiences of looking after children, the same anxieties, but it seemed that the MC mother's from his pre-prep were neurotic. Although they liked me.

I went back to uni at 40 and met my people. For the first time since being a teen I made friends and really felt alive in the company of other people. Since then it's been harder again. We are all Facebook friends dotted about all over the place. For me, I think I need like minded people who can debate, challenge, question, people who are idealistic, who can discuss ideas rather than other people or events. At work we talk 'people' it's part of the job, but because of this we rarely get to discuss ideas, so I can't find a way to connect to my colleagues.

Pinkponiesrock · 28/03/2018 09:02

What area of Scotland are you in?

I moved to my current town and knew nobody except my husband, however slowly over the years I have built up a huge network of people. I wouldn’t call them all friends, some are just so and so’s mum, some are aquantiances and up to my best friends.

For the first few years I was pretty miserable and felt alone then one girl at a music group asked me to meet up for a chat.

I’m not close to her now, she moved away but when she asked me that was when what I realised that’s what you have to do.

So from then on I asked loads of people to go for coffee, a walk with the buggies, a run when the kids go to two group age. Eventually you find your tribe, people drop in and out of ours but we are an awesome group now who really have each other’s backs.

You’ve got to put yourself out there, don’t worry about someone not taking up your offer, don’t feel you need to be friends with everyone but do give them a chance. If you meet up for coffee or a walk you don’t have to do it again every week if you don’t want to but you never know.

Original poster
CabbagePatch91 · 28/03/2018 15:45

Thanks everyone and sorry to hear of similar situations.

I'm so looking forward to female bonds again - I really do need it.

I'm in Glasgow, you, Pinkponies?

OP posts:
gearandloathing · 28/03/2018 15:50

I feel the same. I do have friends but they seem for one reason or another to have moved away so we have to travel to see each other. I can count the number of local friends on one hand and they always seem to be very busy.

Luckily as i've got older I've not minded as much and have turned into a bit of an old hermit. I've stopped taking it so personally too.

I'm not sure what the answer is. If its any consolation I think a lot of people find it hard...

Scotschic · 28/03/2018 16:15

@CabbagePatch91 where in Scotland are you? I’m in Edinburgh x

Pinkponiesrock · 28/03/2018 22:32

I’m Aberdeenshire so a bit away but I do know a couple of lovely ladies in Glasgow, one of which runs a mum and baby group!

Original poster
CabbagePatch91 · 28/03/2018 22:49

Oh, that could come in handy once LO is here! I'm planning on joining a few. Just anyway I can meet others really Smile

OP posts:
anonymous2018 · 29/03/2018 19:21

I’m not too far from Glasgow. Feel free to pm xx