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Original poster

To feel down about lack of friendships

61 replies

CabbagePatch91 · 27/03/2018 22:25

I actually posted this on another thread but it made me realise that others may be feeling the same or could even give some friendly advice.

I've been feeling really down about how little genuine friendships I have. I've traveled, had a few jobs and moved about a bit in the past few years so feel that my only close people are my fiance, my mum and a close friend who lives far down south while I'm based in Scotland. Therefore we rarely get to see each other (maybe once a year).

I have 'friends' who only seem to get in touch to talk about themselves or are frequently enjoying days/nights out with their other friends. I'm currently four months pregnant and feel rather isolated.

I have, however, joined two yoga classes for mums to be and signed up to some apps to engage with and possibly meet up with other women/mums to be. But it doesn't seem to be taking off. I don't really work with anyone who I could potentially be friends with due to the nature of the job and their busy lives.

I feel admitiddly sad for opening up about this. A bit of a pathetic situation at the age of 26. I don't even really have enough close female friends in my life to throw a baby shower...

I honestly don't mean to sound miserable, it's just the way that it currently is. Hopefully, it'll change in the next few years. But I really am trying to find new ways to meet people and maybe once my little once is here, I can get out to mother and baby groups and meet more people.

For all of you who feel the same or similar, I'm with you Flowers

OP posts:
PurplePotatoes · 29/03/2018 19:46

Yes I'm the same really.
I do have 1 very close friend who I'm lucky to have and a few others that I would class as good friends but don't see very often and not who I'd ring up for a natter or night out, dont know why really - we just meet once every couple of months and are stuck in that way now.
My closest friend and I had DC1 within weeks of each other so I never really made new mum friends as we went everywhere together. With DC2 it's a bit different and I haven't been to as many groups but hoping to change that once DD starts school this year.
I'm a bit socially awkward and struggle with small talk so that really doesn't help! I used to meet up with 2 work friends on maternity but now we're all back at work they've slipped back to just work friendships which is a shame but I struggle to keep things going, probably am a bit lazy and a bit of an introvert really!!

ApocalypseNowt · 29/03/2018 19:57

Plus can’t remember the last time I had a right laugh with a group of great females which is what I’d love to have

^this. Very much this.

Scotschic · 29/03/2018 21:30

The only ‘friends’ I have atm are colleagues and it’s not quite the same as having ‘real’ friends. My best friend passed away nearly 5 years ago and we had been mates since high school, I had another good friend whom I had been friends with since primary school but she started going out with a cocaine dealer who bought her everything from designer bags to amazing holidays and she changed beyond all recognition and started to think she was better than me, think of a Towie member crossed with a Real Housewife, except her man wasn’t in the money due to a good job and hard work, it was through being a dealer, omg I’ve never experienced someone so far up their own arse as my previous mate, I ended up ditching her 10 years ago whilst I was struggling with a drug addiction of my own, I’m clean now but obviously in the midst of that addiction then friends were the last thing on my mind & infact I no longer cared about myself at that time, never mind friends!

I genuinely do feel I’m shit at picking them & I do always get ones that make snide comments regarding my personality etc, etc, or ones that seem to love when my love life doesn’t work out, or I attract needy friends more than anything!

I’m not a bitch (I know bitches probably say that but I’m not!) or needy, I don’t flirt with friends’ boyfriends, I don’t put my mates down, I’m honest & upfront with them, I’m generous, I’m a good laugh, I love having a good old chat, I’m just ‘normal’ really, tbh though I don’t really go anywhere too meet new friends so I’m not surprised that I have none, although it still doesn’t make me feel any better!

Original poster
CabbagePatch91 · 31/03/2018 05:11

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend Scotschic Sad.

There's defo more of us out there than I thought...

OP posts:
IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 31/03/2018 05:27

OP I met a lovely group of friends through DS. I’ve now known them for years. Having a child is a great way to meet other women because you have a common bond, like being a dog-walker where you meet other dog-walkers and chat about dogs!

That’ll be you but about baby poo consistency and developmental milestones!

And when they get older you’ll be out drinking with them moaning about stroppy adolescents and hankering after the days of worrying about poo consistency Grin

Take it from an oldie, you’re going to be just fine Flowers

BendydickCuminsnatch · 31/03/2018 05:56

I could have written this post before having kids! At school I was kind of friends with everyone which meant I was no-one’s close friend. I didn’t go to uni and those school friends did, so I missed out on those lifelong uni friends everyone seemed to make. I did have my DH though which was a blessing and a curse in a way - felt like he was my only friend at times, and so were we only really good friends or also in love? Also we were in London which I think is the most difficult place in the world to find friends - you don’t really bump into people and it can be a pretty anonymous place.

ANYWAY. I found some really great friends since having kids. I’m 28 now and had DS at 25, then moved out of London when he was 7 weeks old, so new area, new baby, entirely new life. None of my old friends could relate as none had kids or husbands, plus they all live hours away. The first year was TOUGH and I was very lonely indeed, but babies give you a great talking point with other people at baby groups and you just have to be tenacious until you find someone you click with and get over the baby smalltalk and talk about other things, be brave and invite them out for coffee etc.
Anyway, my point is, it will most likely get better, and even if your ‘mum friends’ are just that and don’t become lifelong friends, that’s ok. Everything is a season. We’re likely to move abroad in the coming years and while I would love to stay around here and be settled and keep friends for decades, I’m feeling much more confident in making new friendships wherever we may end up. It’s a learning curve!

BendydickCuminsnatch · 31/03/2018 06:00

It is super hard to make deep friendships though. I’ve found a lot of that is because people don’t listen, they just wait to talk. It’s exhausting. I’m confident people would find me very interesting if they only bothered to ask about me 😄

Charley50 · 31/03/2018 08:19

Hi OP, as long as you go to baby groups you'll probably make some friends who are going through the same all consuming thing as you.

The thing is not to be snobby and think 'all they talk about is babies' (not saying you would)... but realise thAt babies are so life changing they need to be talked about. As some others have said; it's a great way to make friends, and hopefully some friendships will develop beyond the baby stage.

Scotschic · 31/03/2018 14:19

Well my baby making days are over and I don’t think it would be sensible to have a baby just to make friends Grin maybe I’ll go to Zumba and make friends this way instead!Smile

Scotschic · 31/03/2018 14:21

Thanks @CabbagePatch91. Were you born in 91? A whole 10 years before me Grin

Charley50 · 31/03/2018 15:02

Scotschic - I was talking to the OP, who is expecting a baby (I think!!)

Scotschic · 31/03/2018 15:09

Ahh sorry! Lol. I think having a baby is a great way to make friends, it’s really important that a mum doesn’t feel isolated when she has a new one, I remember that none of my close friends had a baby when
I had my ds, nearly 16 years ago, and they came to visit us in hospital when she was born and then I didn’t hear from them for weeks & it was awful so I get where the op is coming from.

Scotschic · 31/03/2018 15:10

Oh not that I’m suggesting having a baby for the sake of friends, god noConfused

Charley50 · 31/03/2018 18:31

Lol I agree that would be a bit extreme!! Grin

Scotschic · 31/03/2018 18:42

Although it would get me friends...mmmnn I’ll get my little black book out and choose a male friend to impregnate me...keep you posted Grin

Original poster
CabbagePatch91 · 01/04/2018 16:00

It's good that everyone has shared their own stories because it reinforces that we're not alone.

I'm going to be very active in meeting others through my bambino - will totally be taking advantage of the different clubs and such in order to meet others Smile.

And yes, born in 91 so I'm 26. So it would appear that no matter the age, we all share similar experiences Flowers.

OP posts:
Scotschic · 01/04/2018 16:50

Definitely Cabbagepatch, although I felt that younger people had more friends but becoming a mum sometimes changes that, especially if the little friends that you have had don’t have babies, you start to have different priorities in life and the young friends without kids haven’t always matured to your level, being a Mum reinforces your need to grow up whilst your mates are still only worrying about boys, boys and boys!

Original poster
CabbagePatch91 · 01/04/2018 17:20

Yeah, I agree to all of that. I think in my case, I've moved around a lot. Glasgow has always been my base but I grew up in a small town, travelled for a while and lived up north which has meant old friends/acquaintances have drifted.

OP posts:
Scotschic · 01/04/2018 17:48

My issues were that when we left school then there was a big group of 15 of us girls and we split into 3 groups, there was a group that thought they were straight out of Sex and The City (now they think they are The Real Housewives) and there was a group that were very immature and never ever spoke about anything serious, even into their 20s, and then there was the group I was in and my best friend was also in this group and she died, the other girl from this group crossed over to the sex and the city group, started going out with a coke dealer & thought she was an all round superstar of some kind, and I had my drug problem and broke away from the bitch anyway, she is still friends with The Real Housewives and quite frankly I’d rather have not a friend again than be mates with these girls, they are so up themselves and they have forgotten their working class roots, infact they are working class snobs, the worst kind of snobs there can be! They may be richer than me, more successful career wise than me, but I have a heart and I’m down to earth and I wouldn’t swap with them if my life depended on it!

I will make it my mission to find like minded friends.

anonymous2018 · 01/04/2018 20:23

I’m so confused as to how you can be born in 91 but 26. I’m 26 but born in 92. Sorry I know I’m being dumb here 🙈

anonymous2018 · 01/04/2018 20:24

Oh wait. You’ve not had your birthday yet this year but I have?

Scotschic · 01/04/2018 21:14

The op has up until 31st December to turn 27! Lol 😂

Original poster
CabbagePatch91 · 01/04/2018 21:18

I hear ya, Scotschic. Sometimes it's not worth having friends just for the sake of it. Travelling allowed me to meet some very wonderful and interesting people of all ages but people my age or under tend to not 'get me' anyway.

Hahaha to all the maths. My bday is in June so I'm 27 then Grin.

OP posts:
anonymous2018 · 01/04/2018 21:21

There are loads of MeetUp groups in Glasgow too that look really good. I've just split with OH so was tempted to go to one but worried it's a bit tragic. Probably more tragic to sit on my own in the house on MN whenever he has the kids though ... ha

Original poster
CabbagePatch91 · 01/04/2018 21:26

Aww anonymous2018 are you Glasgow too? Send a message if you like. Well actually anyone please feel free to message - or we could start a group?

Don't really know how this all works though Hmm

OP posts:
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