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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does your husband help out around the house?

58 replies

j157 · 27/03/2018 16:04

I'm at breaking point today.
Me and my husband both decided to have children, they were all planned, yet I feel like I'm a single parent.
I do everything. I do all the cooking, cleaning (well I try my best), nappy changes etc. You name it, I do it.
He doesn't lift a finger. He just fills the house full of crap that I have to clean around.
He has the luxury of sitting on the toilet for an hour, having a nap when he feels like it, and can go out whenever he likes, whilst I go to Aldi once a week.
It's beginning to grate on me now, especially as he does nothing at all with the kids.
I'm knackered, I have a hyperactive toddler and an older one with autism. I need some help, I tell him about my issues and I just get eye rolls off him.
This morning my eldest was playing up whilst getting ready for school and all my husband was going on about is how he wishes he had a "normal" family (my eldest is hard work). I went mad, he said I was overreacting.
Am I overreacting? Is this how things should be?

OP posts:
Luckyme2 · 27/03/2018 16:07

No I don't think you're over reacting. My DH doesn't 'help out' - we help each other out. We're a team. It doesn't sound like your DH sees you both as a team

noshitsherloc · 27/03/2018 16:12

This was wrong from the title, and I mean that in a kind, supportive way because you've clearly been manipulated into thinking this is normal. Husbands don't help out around the house, you help each other round the house. Obviously there are restraints like when you're out at work, but housework, raising a family etc should be a joint venture. And what a horrid thing to say about your DC. I can't advise you what to do because he sounds unlikely to change. Thanks

Grumpyoldblonde · 27/03/2018 16:12

Of course it's not how things should be. He should be a parent and muck in running the house he lives in.

The eye rolling is contempt and to shut you up. Don't shut up.

StinkPickle · 27/03/2018 16:15

Wow that’s insane. My husband doesn’t “help” me because it’s not “my” job.

We are a team. Certainly one of us wouldn’t be napping if there was stuff to do. Unless there was a reciprocal nap planned for the other one!

I don’t know where you go from here tho it sounds like you’ve enabled this behaviour for so long it might be hard to come back from :(

Certainly time to sort this out tho and you’ll get lots of advice and support here. Good luck.

Heismyopendoor · 27/03/2018 16:16

Gosh you sound at breaking point :( you can’t go on living like that.

As PP has said, your husband shouldn’t be ‘helping’ it’s his house too, his mess, his food, his kids, etc. He should be just ‘doing’!

Nightshiftmad · 27/03/2018 16:22

No it's definitely not right that he does so little a marriage is ment to be a partnership. No excuse to spend an hour in the bathroom. I might give him an ultimatum because unless he helps out you might as well live without him because it's actually less work for you. My husband is OK he does cooking, laundry some dishes and does take the kids out at weekends to give me some quiet time. I have some complaints but nothing close to how bad yours is. I hope things get better for you.

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 27/03/2018 16:24

That really isn't normal!!! My DH works full time plus extra hours at home in the evening. He earns enough for me to be a SAHP for a few years. MY working hours as a SAHP are 8am-6pm M-F (same as his). As soon as he gets home he's on dad duty. He baths the DC, put them to bed, tidies the house, cleans the dishes etc. same as me. We BOTH clock off around 9pm and spend some time together in a clean, tidy house with 2 sleeping DC. At the weekend we both get up and entertain the DC or we take turns to have a lie in. It's rough just now as we're tired and we don't have much free time (ours are 4 and 18m) but we're in it together. When the DC are older and we get our lives back a bit, we'll know we've had each other's back during the tough times.

RandomMess · 27/03/2018 16:25

My DH doesn't "help out" either he does his share of what needs to be done so that we get equal leisure time...

YearOfYouRemember · 27/03/2018 16:25

Like PP Dh and I are a team. As soon as he gets in he does whatever I ask him too. His job is to earn money, my job is to be with the dcs and do house stuff but if I did nothing all day and asked him to put a wash on or anything at all he'd do it.

Ask your waste of space h if he'd rather split and then he would have to do half of everything.

PotatoesPastaAndBread · 27/03/2018 16:28

Other posters have already said it, but my husband doesn't "help out" around the house, he does his fair share of housework and child care because it's his house and his family too.

No you are not overreacting. No this is not how things should be Flowers

Adora10 · 27/03/2018 16:30

You are allowing this useless waste of space to encroach on your life to the extent you have turned into his mother, in fact worse, you are his slave, a domestic appliance, what a horrible way to show your children how adults are towards each other, you give, the man takes and you should be grateful he's even there!

Tell him to ship off out to fuck OP, he's clearly got a very nice easy life with you, I can only hope he has the face of an Adonis and a body to match.

7to25 · 27/03/2018 16:31

I imagine he is angling for a split and to go and live in a "normal" family. If anyone thinks he will do 50% childcare....dream on. The really horrible thing about this situation is that if he leaves, things will only get worse.

PoohandChips · 27/03/2018 16:31

This is absolutely not how things should be OP. It's not 'helping' around the house, this implies it's your 'job' to do it all in the first place and that he's doing you some kind of massive favour by 'helping' you. Not that he seems to be doing anything at all. If he eats he's just as responsible for cooking food and cleaning the kitchen as you are. If he pisses and craps, showers or bathes, he's just as responsible for cleaning the toilets, showers and baths. You can't carry on like this, you'll burn yourself out.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/03/2018 16:32

Your husband sounds like a lazy, selfish shitbag.

Time for a sit down (when kids are in bed) and a calm discussion.

This is not on.

And don't explain it as in asking for his 'help'. Explain that he lives in the house too. He uses the bathroom. He walks on the carpets. He easts food. He uses cutlery and crockery. He has fathered two children.

Why are YOU doing all the work?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/03/2018 16:33

*Eats food not easts food.

WunWegWunDarWun · 27/03/2018 16:34

We do 50/50 of everything when he isn't at work.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 27/03/2018 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mustang27 · 27/03/2018 16:42

Just to chime in. My oh is the same but I don't have the added concern of autism and I'm at breaking point I'm not sure how these men can live with themselves.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this you have my sympathy entirely.

puppymouse · 27/03/2018 16:45

Since DD passed toddler stage we've found DH often hears her before I do when she gets up in the night. I asked him about it and said I found it odd it wasn't me who woke up. He just shrugged and said "it seems a fair division of labour." I got up with her on my own to feed her for months. That's a partnership and teamwork. Your DH is bang out of order and I think you have every right to be naffed off. I'd be giving ultimatums. It can't be harder without him, right?

RoseTiger · 27/03/2018 16:46

Mine does nothing. That is why I plan to make him my ex-dh.

Bananalanacake · 27/03/2018 16:51

Does he work long hours which is why he naps at home. Still doesn't make it ok though. Mine works long hours but puts the oldest to bed and shops once a week
.

letsdolunch321 · 27/03/2018 16:52

My exh never helped out it was a one way street me foing everything .... him doing nothing apart from channel hopping on the remote.

The resentment in the end along with other matters became too much in the end.

My dp now is a dream helping out, cooking dinner if he is home before me, driving if we go out for dinner so I can have a few bevvies.

The list is endless Grin

letsdolunch321 · 27/03/2018 16:53

It gets to you in the end RoseTiger, I understand where you are coming from.

Adora10 · 27/03/2018 16:53

My dp now is a dream helping out,

No, no, no, he's not helping to clean his own house, things etc....although he does sound nice.

Honestly, cooking dinner when home first etc, is that not just normal adult behaviour....

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 27/03/2018 16:53

When we met DH was genuinely the most pampered little prince imaginable. I already had DS1 so had begun my 'adult' life while he still lived at home with MIL ironing his socks and pants. His first year living with DS1 and I was a baptism of fire; he had to get the fuck on with things because otherwise he'd have starved or been naked. Those kind of ultimatums often result in men who are fully able to feed, clothe and clean for themselves, despite MIL's protestations that men 'helping' about the house is somehow against God's will.

In your shoes you know he's not being fair and you know it's not ok. The next step is working out how to change this; he has to step up and be part of things at home. How you tolerate living with someone who eyerolls when you speak to them is beyond me; you sound like a saint.