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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does your husband help out around the house?

58 replies

j157 · 27/03/2018 16:04

I'm at breaking point today.
Me and my husband both decided to have children, they were all planned, yet I feel like I'm a single parent.
I do everything. I do all the cooking, cleaning (well I try my best), nappy changes etc. You name it, I do it.
He doesn't lift a finger. He just fills the house full of crap that I have to clean around.
He has the luxury of sitting on the toilet for an hour, having a nap when he feels like it, and can go out whenever he likes, whilst I go to Aldi once a week.
It's beginning to grate on me now, especially as he does nothing at all with the kids.
I'm knackered, I have a hyperactive toddler and an older one with autism. I need some help, I tell him about my issues and I just get eye rolls off him.
This morning my eldest was playing up whilst getting ready for school and all my husband was going on about is how he wishes he had a "normal" family (my eldest is hard work). I went mad, he said I was overreacting.
Am I overreacting? Is this how things should be?

OP posts:

Raven88 · 27/03/2018 16:59

Me and my husband both take care of the house. He doesn't help me because it's his responsibility as well. I made it perfectly clear when we first got together that I am not going to be running about doing everything and working a full time job. Who ever is off does the house work and if we are off together we tidy up together.

Original poster

j157 · 27/03/2018 17:05

Thank you, I thought I was going mad. I've got a habit of overthinking things.
He doesn't work at the moment. If he did I could excuse it more.
I've currently gone upstairs and gave him a list and told him to get on with it. I can hear him huffing and puffing and slamming kitchen cupboards.
I can't live like this much longer.

OP posts:

Brazenhussy0 · 27/03/2018 17:08

He wishes he had a ‘normal’ family? What’s normal? That just sounds like a shitty attitude he has right there, given your eldest is autistic. Your DH sounds like he needs a bit more patience and understanding in that regard.

As for the housework, there’s no ‘helping’ with me and my DP. Like pp, we do our fair share of our housework. I do slightly more because I work less hours and work from home, while my DP puts in a near 12 hour day including his commute.
We focus on making sure we both have an equal amount of downtime as each other, rather than focusing on doing an equal share of the housework. It’s a team effort.

Do you work OP? What kind of work pattern does your DH have?

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 27/03/2018 17:08

He doesn't work at the moment.

Then what on earth does he do? If he doesn't work or look after the DC or do any housework what does that leave?

Brazenhussy0 · 27/03/2018 17:09

Ah cross-post! I see he doesn't work. In that case, he really needs to be pulling his weight and doing an equal share of the work.

Mycarsmellsoflavender · 27/03/2018 17:09

I reached breaking point on Mothering Sunday a few weeks ago when he did absolutely fuck all about the house, leaving me to cook and clean up for everyone including him. Since then I have introduced a new rule: I do not clean up the kitchen on Sundays. I do it the rest of the week ( he works full time Monday to Friday so that seems fair) and it is his responsibility to oversee on Sunday. Not just Mother's Day or Birthday weekends but every Sunday. He's done it for 2 consecutive weeks now: first week was a bit of half -finished job - washing up from Sunday evening still left to do on Monday morning, bin full to overflowing, table left unwiped etc. Last Sunday he did a better job after I said to take a good look at the kitchen on Saturday night as that was how it should look on Sunday night. Trying to get him more involved in the food prep now but one step at a time!

GrumpyOldBlonde · 27/03/2018 17:10

Not working? Then what on earth does he do?

expatinscotland · 27/03/2018 17:12

Just think how much less work you'd have without him and all his crap around. 'I wish I had a normal family'. 'I wish I had a decent spouse.'

NotTakenUsername · 27/03/2018 17:15

He doesn't work at the moment. If he did I could excuse it more.

Whaaaaaaaaat!?!?

To coin a Mumsnet-ism: what exactly is the point of him...?

Adora10 · 27/03/2018 17:16

leaving me to cook and clean up for everyone including him

Sorry OP, you're your own worst enemy and I think it's far too late now for you to start complaining when in reality you have mothered him for years and allowed him to do FA.

Does he work or not, above you say he works mon to fri? I'm confused.

He won't change, he's simply paying you lip service cos you've really gone off on one, give it another week and he'll be back to using you like a domestic appliance.

Bananalanacake · 27/03/2018 17:16

How long has he been without work. Is he applying for jobs every day and going for interviews or is he lazy and doing nothing. You have my sympathy and you are not going mad.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/03/2018 17:18

He doesn't work at the moment

WTF? I thought he was a lazy, selfish shitbag when I thought he was working full-time. He is taking the piss.

Bin him.

He won't change.

You will have less to do when you're not picking up and clearing up after him.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 27/03/2018 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotTakenUsername · 27/03/2018 17:23

Does he work or not, above you say he works mon to fri? I'm confused.

No she didn’t

Adora10 · 27/03/2018 17:25

NotTaken

( he works full time Monday to Friday so that seems fair)

MarieG10 · 27/03/2018 17:30

He is a total selfish twat I'm sorry to say. And he has the cheek to huff and puff at being asked to do something. You shouldn't have to ask. I don't know how you put up with it but hey...a lot of women do

I'm lucky to have a genuine partnership..and he does a lot of the cooking, especially on a weekend when I can sit and chat to him whilst he does it

Falmer · 27/03/2018 17:31

Offer him some laxatives! If that doesn't work, tell him to watch dc for an hour because you need the loo!

Falmer · 27/03/2018 17:37

Also, tell him you can't have sex any more because you're too exhausted from doing his dishes, his washing, looking after his children, etc etc, all alone!

Mycarsmellsoflavender · 27/03/2018 17:49

adore that was my post, not the OP's.

Yogagirl123 · 27/03/2018 18:00

Have a weekend away with the girls, and leave him at home with DC and the Aldi shopping list! After that he might listen and appreciate you a little more OP.

TeaforTiger · 27/03/2018 18:14

This won't be popular but...

You say your DC were both planned and wanted so why did you go for number two, when you already knew he was a useless partner/ father?

I don't think giving him lists will help because you're still working out what needs to be done, not him. It's not all your responsibility OP. What would he do if you stopped washing his clothes or buying food? Stave to death?

PickAChew · 27/03/2018 18:25

Of course he cleans his own house!

You day you feel like a single mum but if your waste of space husband wasn't in the house with you, you'd have less to do, by the sound of things.

RoseTiger · 27/03/2018 19:14

letsdolunch,
Yes, I hear what you are saying about the resentment, it just grows and grows. I was a SAHM, to H meant I did nothing all day, I now work full time but see that nothing has changed for him and it is not likely to. I do not like the idea that my future contains more of the same.
I am just biding my time, getting my ducks in order-as they say on MN-.

m0therofdragons · 27/03/2018 19:24

I was reading this post while sitting at the dinner table with dc eating sandwiches as we had pasta for lunch but I'd failed to make enough for dh. Dh came in from work as I made sandwiches and I realised he probably expected cooked dinner as I've been off work all day (first time since October except for bank holidays in my defence).

His reaction, okay I'll cook something (shoved chicken nuggets and chips in the oven) then while it cooked he hung up the wet washing from the washing machine (my second load of the day so I hadn't sat doing nothing). After eating I said dc needed to get ready for bed and I was going to remake dd3's bed with clean sheets and dh said "oh, I saw that it had been stripped so I've already made it". He wasn't "helping" we just both pitch in. We both work (him 7 hours more than me a week but I do school runs 4 days a week and all clubs).

We have set jobs but most just gets done by whichever one of us gets there first.

It wasn't always like this but with 3 dc including twins we had to sit and have seriously conversations about how we would work things as a family. Not what's "normal" but what works for us!

letsdolunch321 · 27/03/2018 19:41

Good luck Rosetiger

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