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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hate what I’ve done

76 replies

Pinkroses123 · 26/03/2018 19:27

About 18 months ago I left my husband for another man. I’m not proud of it and it left him devastated. We were married for 12 years but the last two were unhappy.

I know this sounds bad and it’s not an excuse for what I did but I didn’t trust him, he is flirtatious and seems to crave female attention and it would make me insecure. He was also quite emotionally abusive and always quick to lose his temper which led to arguments.

I stayed with the OM for just over a year but it wasn’t to be and we parted amicably.

At the beginning,my husband would beg me to come home but I didn’t listen and eventually he embraced his single life and seemed to move on. He went online and dated here and there and also dated a few people locally. I was happy for him.

This is where it gets hard. I now feel like I made a mistake and asked him if we could try again ( he isn’t with anyone at the moment and hasn’t found anyone special since we parted). He says he still loves me but can’t understand why I did what I did and that if I’d asked a year ago he would’ve taken me back like a shot. He seems to be wavering. One minute he says he can see us together and he wants me back but my hopes are dashed quickly because then he says he is used to his life now and could also see himself staying how he is.

He is still I feel keeping his options open because he says I’ve hurt him so much. I know I did an awful thing but I’ve explained that I would do anything I can to make things right.

I feel I’ve mussed the boat, he has admitted the online dating is an ego boost and I feel there are one or two women in the background but he won’t say. I know I don’t have any right to ask him these things but I’m just trying to see if I’ve got a chance.

We spent the day together yesterday and I got very upset and he was extremely loving and sincere and kept hinting at me coming back home. I’m so confused. I’ve decided to back off for s but to give him time but I’m scared that if he did give me another chance would he still be dabbling elsewhere because he has enjoyed being single and he could justify it because of my actions.

I’m so angry at myself as I’ve made this situation what it is. He says it’s not too late but I feel like I’ve lost him. I know what I did was wrong so please don’t be too brutal but I’m truly desperate now to have a chance to make it right.

OP posts:
TERFragetteCity · 26/03/2018 19:30

Emotionally abusive? Yeah what is not to like?

You would be crazy to go back if he is indeed emotionally abusive.

WhiteVixen · 26/03/2018 19:32

He's clearly just playing you. Keeping you dangling with hints that he could take you back but then shooting you down. Sounds like he's loving it! If he really truly was emotionally abusive then why on earth would you want him back? Seriously? He will hold it over you forever more.

SingingTunelessly · 26/03/2018 19:32

“We were married for 12 years but the last two were unhappy.

I know this sounds bad and it’s not an excuse for what I did but I didn’t trust him, he is flirtatious and seems to crave female attention and it would make me insecure. He was also quite emotionally abusive and always quick to lose his temper which led to arguments.”

Why would you want to go back into a relationship like this? Recipe for disaster. Move on.

VanGoghsLeftEar · 26/03/2018 19:35

I think you were unhappy enough to leave him, the trust between you has been destroyed by your affair (sorry to be blunt) and whilst he is going hot and cold on you (happy with single life but wants you back) I think it’s time you made the split permanent. It would do wonders for your emotional health. Move on.

Original poster
Pinkroses123 · 26/03/2018 19:37

He would often make me feel small and criticise the things I did. He was never physical but could turn things around to be my fault. I think because it wasn’t all the time I just convinced myself he was “stressed” or “in a bad mood”. It feels pathetic to say as I write but we did have really good times and when he is kind he is just a really different person.

OP posts:
NearlyChristmasNow · 26/03/2018 20:11

Don't go there - take off your rose tinted glasses.

Original poster
Pinkroses123 · 26/03/2018 20:37

I know it seems like I’d be setting myself up for heartbreak but I just can’t seem to let go. The thought of him with someone else makes me feel so sad. Yet if this was a friend saying all this to me I’d tell her not to do it. What is wrong with me???

OP posts:
RainyApril · 26/03/2018 20:40

I don't know what he was like in your marriage, because people who have affairs always demonise the faithful partner in order to justify or live with what they have done.

If he was violent and critical and abusive, and the last two years were unhappy (not just unhappy because you were checked out and shagging someone else) then you're better off single and I've no idea why you'd entertain going back.

Having said that, he would be an absolute mug to take you back wouldn't he? You had an affair, left him, lived with the other man, and then decided you'd made a mistake after your new life went tits up.

We don't know whether he's playing you or whether he's genuinely trying to decide whether he can take you back in those circumstances.

Either way, I think you need to move on as he seems to be doing.

Jon66 · 26/03/2018 20:42

The things that led you to leave in the first place haven't changed.

WhiteVixen · 26/03/2018 20:43

He would often make me feel small and criticise the things I did. He was never physical but could turn things around to be my fault. I think because it wasn’t all the time I just convinced myself he was “stressed” or “in a bad mood”. It feels pathetic to say as I write but we did have really good times and when he is kind he is just a really different person.

And you would want to go back to living like this why exactly? Living with the moods and the stress and walking on eggshells just waiting for a few crumbs of kindness he decides to throw your way?

The kind loving him is not the real him. That part is the act.

Have you ever heard of the Freedom Program? I think you'd do well to enrol (you can do it online if you're unable to get to meetings) and start to set your relationship bar a bit higher.

Gemini69 · 26/03/2018 20:43

keep walking ... don't look back Flowers

Bouledeneige · 26/03/2018 20:48

Maybe he thinks you want your cake and eating it. Why do you get to go off and have your epic affair, break his heart and then come back when it doesnt work out? Even if he would have you back, there's a real risk once back together with your XH that it doesnt work and you break his heart all over again.

Why do you think the relationship would be better than before? Is it really what you want or is it rather that you're not brave or courageous enough to stand on your own two feet and be on your own? Surely you knew that was a possible outcome when you left him?

I think you'd be much better off finding out who you are and what you want and managing to live independently on your own. Sorry OP. It sounds harsh - not meant to be. There's a lot of mess on that old carpet.

Original poster
Pinkroses123 · 26/03/2018 21:16

I have lived on my own for the last 18 months and not with the other man as someone said. I’m more than capable of living alone. I know it wasn’t my best moment I’m well aware of that.

It also didn’t go tits up, it ended amicably and as I said I don’t expect him to fall at my feet far from it. I didn’t just wake up and decide to leave him, it wasn’t a great marriage towards the end. I’m just not clear if things could change. If he just made it clear I would move on in a heartbeat but he confuses me with the things he says and his actions for instance offering to cook dinner and showing affection.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkroses123 · 26/03/2018 21:17

The ending amicably was in reference to the OM

OP posts:
user7680 · 26/03/2018 21:21

There’s a reason it ended in the first place. You left him....now you’re free. Plenty of fish in the sea let him go. You weren’t happy with him then how will you be happy with him now? Time to move on

Bluebelle38 · 26/03/2018 21:25

I think you left for a reason and possibly are feeling lonely now. I one was away from a marriage without good reason. I also think he may be enjoying you wanting to go back to him. You hurt him, now he has a chance to hurt you and he is likely going to milk it.

pudding21 · 26/03/2018 21:28

You were already unhappy. If you got back together throw in a huge heap of paranoia from both sides and it would be a recipe for disaster. Love shouldn't be hard, this sounds painful.

Don't go there and keep your distance.

Original poster
Pinkroses123 · 26/03/2018 21:29

Yes Bluebell I have thought that too. I think maybe he is giving me false hope only to then drop me to show me how it feels. No more than I deserve but hard all the same. I have accepted what I’ve done and learnt a hard lesson.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkroses123 · 26/03/2018 21:31

I know I’d be ok. Life goes on and I’ve learnt a lot about myself. We went through a lot together good and bad times and it’s hsrd just to move in from that. I intended not to contact him today but he has messaged me tonight and this is what I mean about being confused.

OP posts:
Bluebelle38 · 26/03/2018 21:34

I think you are being very unfair on yourself. You weren't happy for two years. You had every right to leave. I say pull back, he knows what you want. I do think you should really look at why you want to go back though. Is it a case of better the devil you know or do you still in fact love him.

Thisisanewbeginning · 26/03/2018 21:35

Walk away and keep walking.

Invest this time in yourself and find out what makes you happy. I’m just starting my journey. But never go back to an EA partner. You will put all the power in his hands and he will make you pay.

PerfectPenquins · 26/03/2018 21:39

To be honest my ex did what your trying to do and it made me feel like the easy option he thinking I would even consider taking him back! It’s quite insulting really so just leave it. If things really were bad then don’t go back especially since you’ve had your fun would you be happy for him to see someone else for a year and then give you the green light to return?

midnightmisssuki · 26/03/2018 21:39

i think you need to stop talking to him. You cheated on him for a reason -remember that. Im not condoning it at all - but sometimes when people are desperate, they do desperate things - rightly or wrongly. He is probably very hurt with what you did - and rightly so, its not great being cheated on (ive been there). You'll be ok - you'll find someone else in time. I would totally go no contact with him for now - or if you must, be civil - friendly, but dont ask him to come back to you. You can do this.

Original poster
Pinkroses123 · 26/03/2018 21:42

I do still love him bluebelle but I think I’ve lost him really. He may like the fact I want him back, we were together for 17 years so it’s hard to leave all that behind. And yes I agree with the last poster (thisisanewbeginning) I think it would be thrown in my face and he would have the power. At 42 I feel like I don’t want this difficult, painful journey now.

OP posts:
MadMags · 26/03/2018 21:46

Honestly, taking your affair out of the equation, he doesn’t sound very nice.

In fact, he sounds like an absolute cock. Why on earth would you want him back??