I hate what I’ve done

[Pinkroses123]

About 18 months ago I left my husband for another man. I’m not proud of it and it left him devastated. We were married for 12 years but the last two were unhappy.

I know this sounds bad and it’s not an excuse for what I did but I didn’t trust him, he is flirtatious and seems to crave female attention and it would make me insecure. He was also quite emotionally abusive and always quick to lose his temper which led to arguments.

I stayed with the OM for just over a year but it wasn’t to be and we parted amicably.

At the beginning,my husband would beg me to come home but I didn’t listen and eventually he embraced his single life and seemed to move on. He went online and dated here and there and also dated a few people locally. I was happy for him.

This is where it gets hard. I now feel like I made a mistake and asked him if we could try again ( he isn’t with anyone at the moment and hasn’t found anyone special since we parted). He says he still loves me but can’t understand why I did what I did and that if I’d asked a year ago he would’ve taken me back like a shot. He seems to be wavering. One minute he says he can see us together and he wants me back but my hopes are dashed quickly because then he says he is used to his life now and could also see himself staying how he is.

He is still I feel keeping his options open because he says I’ve hurt him so much. I know I did an awful thing but I’ve explained that I would do anything I can to make things right.

I feel I’ve mussed the boat, he has admitted the online dating is an ego boost and I feel there are one or two women in the background but he won’t say. I know I don’t have any right to ask him these things but I’m just trying to see if I’ve got a chance.

We spent the day together yesterday and I got very upset and he was extremely loving and sincere and kept hinting at me coming back home. I’m so confused. I’ve decided to back off for s but to give him time but I’m scared that if he did give me another chance would he still be dabbling elsewhere because he has enjoyed being single and he could justify it because of my actions.

I’m so angry at myself as I’ve made this situation what it is. He says it’s not too late but I feel like I’ve lost him. I know what I did was wrong so please don’t be too brutal but I’m truly desperate now to have a chance to make it right.

Perfect penguins I think you misunderstand. I too have been cheated on so I know full well how it feels and I’m aware of how much hurt I’ve caused. He wasn’t a saint himself in other respects. I don’t expect a green light at all. I’m trying to see if there’s a way of saving my marriage. If there’s not I fully respect his decision.

Time to decide what you DO want OP. If you were to start again with your husband, you would need to establish the ground rules so as not to repeat history. If you can't agree those rules, then move on.

i think youre missing the idea of it all of how it once was-you moved on with someone else did u think about going back to your husband then or only when your affair was over?

hes EA that wont change it might be all sunshine and flowers first of all but will eventually go back to how it was

OP,
Maybe you are doing the "Grass is greener" scenario ?

Remember the reasons why you left in the first place.

Never go back in life always forward.

Either

He really was emotionally abusive etc and there was good reason to leave the marriage - in which case going back would be a mistake because people don't change who they fundamentally are.

Or

You're justifying the affair, don't like being alone and if you and om hadn't split you'd still be with him which makes your ex the booby prize and he'll never satisfy you so it won't work.

Or

You made a genuine mistake in having the affair but ex doesn't know if he can trust what you say (understandable) but still loves you and this is all messing with his head. He'll likely never trust you again and you can't have a marriage with distrust.

Do you have children together? If not I say leave him alone and move on.

If you do have children, think about how all this is messing with their heads too.

Having children together shouldn't make a difference. There's no point being in a bad relationship just because you've got children, your children learn from what you do..

He might not be playing games or dangling carrots, he might be scared of getting hurt again. You left him, a year later when you'd broken up with the om he asked you to go back and you said no, he's probably wondering why you've suddenly changed your mind now. I am too, you don't paint much good about this relationship. What makes you want to go back now?

I would agree that most people who have affairs rewrite marital history to justify their actions.

If that isn't the case here, then why would you want to get back with a flirtatious, female attention seeking abuser

You didn't deal with those issues successfully before your affair, so what hope have of doing it now?

Once you have an affair...You kind of lose the ability to start demanding improvements in your OH.

It's like your DH is your plan B. It didn't work out with the OM...it doesn't matter whether the parting was amicable or not... the point is..it didn't work out..If it did you wouldn't be asking your DH for another chance.

Nobody wants to be kept on the back burner.

He's going to keep you dangling... so you are best taking a reconciliation off the table and moving on.

You left him for good reasons, albeit not in a good way. I think it's this that you feel bad about and want to make good. But if he agrees to try again he will treat you badly and make you feel insecure. Like he is now.

So Pink - you get a lot of support here, but I'll be the alternative voice. Did you try to fix it with him, seek counselling? Did you even discuss this with him, try to work it out? No. You chose to destroy a long term relationship with your selfishness by having an affair. If you want to fix it then get his agreement and get some therapy, the both of you.... alternatively you should both do each other a favour and get out of each others lives.

...and yes I had a partner who cheated on me for 8 years and then wanted to get back with me, no chance of that.

Are you sleeping with him? I suspect you're still being emotionally abused by your ex husband and he's stringing you along for sex/punishing you for the affair.

You had an affair, you suspect he had several... There's just too much baggage with this for it to work now. Sorry.

You can't fix someone else being emotionally abusive, as it goes.

You'd be mad to try to go back to that relationship. It was unhealthy before, would be a lot worse, now. There is no going back. Move on, stop wasting time looking backwards.

I’m not justifying my actions because I’ve admitted my mistake to myself and to him. He was EA in the way I described before. Belittling me and criticising. I didn’t always feel good around him. I know it’s wrong but I sort of let that go because he was good at other times. In answer to the questions why would I want to go back, I know it doesn’t make sense but I think I’m finding it hard to accept my marriage is definitely over. He is also not plan b if he was I wouldn’t even try because it would definitely fail! Why would I go back if I thought of him as that? There are no children involved.

Maybe date each other a bit?

Your marriage is over. Now move on.

Maybe have a look at some indicators of emotional abuse online to get some perspective.
Abusive men will often bombard you with a charm offensive to lure you back and then revert to the pattern of abuse. I don't know if that's what's happening here but your perspective seems skewed?

You don't deserve to be with someone that is good to you "at times".

I mean you deserve better.

Basically, your dh gave you low self-esteem and made you paranoid about his fidelity. You now suffer from these issues even more than you did before you left him. To go back to him is not going to cure your massive issues, it will exacerbate them. If you didn't have such awful self-esteem, you wouldn't be torturing yourself in this way, you would have moved on properly already, instead of hanging around waiting for an emotional kicking.

Sounds like he has no intention of making ago of it again.

By texting you earlier - He is dangling the carrot to see how far you will go. Distance yourself from him

Re dating sites - Men love the ego boost of woman showing them attention.

Firstly you have to be happy with yourself the rest will follow in time

Dollars to donuts if the genders were reversed, the responses would be different.

What did you do to address the issues before you cheated on him? And if you tried and there was no change what's the reason now.

Tbh it looks like you're at a lose end and had GIGS (grass is greener syndrome).

You say you were together for 17 years and it's hard to leave that behind ...but that's exactly what you did when you left him.

In his position... I might also be tempted to be non committal. He could genuinely be wondering that you could run off with another man again.

I would also be feeling like the fall back girl. That's a hell of a knock to one's self esteem and ego. For men, they tend to feel emasculated ... in his eyes you left him for a better man than him. He won't admit to feeling sexually inadequate or inferior (because it's often seen as a weakness).. he also probably has fears of being vulnerable around you ... those are the kind of things that go through the minds of people in his position.

Roundabouttown I see what you’re saying but maybe could’ve been put in a kinder way? I know I’ve got self esteem issues or I’ve got “awful self esteem” according to you. I know that and I’m trying to make sense of it all. Wish I could think as clear as you

Dollars to donuts if the roles were reversed I would still be saying the relationship is over - move on. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone if you are both paranoid about fidelity and make each other feel a bit shit. You left him for a reason. Now stay away.

Sorry, Pinkroses - yes, I could have been kinder. A friend of mine has gone through similar in recent years and it went on for years with her torturing herself over her mistake. I'm saying rather harshly to you what I was too kind to say to her. Please don't take years torturing yourself!

In response to what did I attempt to do to address issues, I tried many times to explain how he made me feel. There are numerous times. I asked him why he’d lose his temper or make me feel bad for things that weren’t my fault. He would sometimes apologise and we’d have a few weeks of bliss or he’d lose the plot and get defensive saying he wasn’t doing anything wrong. We didn’t go to counselling because I never suggested it.

Thank you roundaboutthetown,I expect some harsh advice of course I know what I did was wrong. Just hard to take but I’m taking it all on board.