I hate what I’ve done

[Pinkroses123]

About 18 months ago I left my husband for another man. I’m not proud of it and it left him devastated. We were married for 12 years but the last two were unhappy.

I know this sounds bad and it’s not an excuse for what I did but I didn’t trust him, he is flirtatious and seems to crave female attention and it would make me insecure. He was also quite emotionally abusive and always quick to lose his temper which led to arguments.

I stayed with the OM for just over a year but it wasn’t to be and we parted amicably.

At the beginning,my husband would beg me to come home but I didn’t listen and eventually he embraced his single life and seemed to move on. He went online and dated here and there and also dated a few people locally. I was happy for him.

This is where it gets hard. I now feel like I made a mistake and asked him if we could try again ( he isn’t with anyone at the moment and hasn’t found anyone special since we parted). He says he still loves me but can’t understand why I did what I did and that if I’d asked a year ago he would’ve taken me back like a shot. He seems to be wavering. One minute he says he can see us together and he wants me back but my hopes are dashed quickly because then he says he is used to his life now and could also see himself staying how he is.

He is still I feel keeping his options open because he says I’ve hurt him so much. I know I did an awful thing but I’ve explained that I would do anything I can to make things right.

I feel I’ve mussed the boat, he has admitted the online dating is an ego boost and I feel there are one or two women in the background but he won’t say. I know I don’t have any right to ask him these things but I’m just trying to see if I’ve got a chance.

We spent the day together yesterday and I got very upset and he was extremely loving and sincere and kept hinting at me coming back home. I’m so confused. I’ve decided to back off for s but to give him time but I’m scared that if he did give me another chance would he still be dabbling elsewhere because he has enjoyed being single and he could justify it because of my actions.

I’m so angry at myself as I’ve made this situation what it is. He says it’s not too late but I feel like I’ve lost him. I know what I did was wrong so please don’t be too brutal but I’m truly desperate now to have a chance to make it right.

Pinkroses - leaving your dh was not necessarily wrong. The way you did it was not great, but that doesn't mean your relationship would have lasted the course if you had tried to drag it out a bit longer. It takes a very unhappy person to have an affair with someone partly because they are paranoid about their own dh's fidelity and then to actually leave their dh over it.

I think maybe you are rose tinting your spectacles a bit when looking at your dh while painting yourself as the scarlet woman - it's the only way you could convince yourself to head back to unhappiness.

I for one am not convinced you're not justifying nor that he's not plan b. You may not consciously realise it but it's how you've treated him and I don't believe if it had worked out with om you'd want back with ex.

We've also only got your word that it was a mutual ending with om.

It's not even just how a cheated on man feels. It's how ANYONE who's been cheated on feels - that they just weren't good enough.

Bit rich to be honest to make someone feel like that and then expect them to forgive and take you back.

You say you've been cheated on but was it by someone you'd been with for so long? Invested so much love and energy and time in?

Graphista yes you’re quite right that you’ve only got my word that it ended amicably. But why on earth would I post on here for advice if I weren’t being truthful? What would be the point in that?? I appreciate everyone’s point of view but to say that is just ridiculous. I was cheated on and it was a 5 year relationship if that makes any difference. All relationships are different the betrayal is still real whether it’s 1 yr, 2 yrs or 17 yrs. I’ve messed up and did a bad thing? I’m a human being. Have you never made mistakes? I’m trying to put things right

I’m not expecting him to take me back, I’ve told him how I feel the rest is up to him.

Unfortunately op sometimes sorry and wanting to put things right won’t ever be enough, however much you want it, because it changes the whole dynamic when cheated on and sometimes what felt100% no longer does

Never go to counselling with an abusive partner. You need to accept that OM didn’t work. Your exH is not your only opportunity for a new life. I’m also 42.

Thank you thisisanewbeginning that’s good to hear. I feel like you understand

I do understand and you will get there. We both will

He's exerting his control.

You left him for good reasons and you need to remember this.

Be single, date, do whatever you want but you and your ex need to part ways properly in order that you can both move on.

You get very aggressive when challenged. Not only is that rude it suggests very strongly you only want responses that agree with you.

Wow!

I could have written this post myself. Pink roses you poor darling. I know exactly how you are feeling right now. It's s kind of panic that you have made the wrong move. That you thought the OM would work out. And when it doesn't it dawns on you that your husband wasn't such a bad man after all. I mean who is perfect?

But listen to the other posters. They are all of course right. If you left your husband in the first place, he wasn't right . This OM is the catalyst to the change you wanted. These relationships rarely work out. It didn't with me either🤷‍♀️

You are worthy of love and happiness in abundance. Don't settle for anything less gorgeous lady xxx

Graphista actually I’mgrateful for all the advice here. The posts that are truly harsh are helpful. It helps me see it from both sides which is what I need to hear.

Goldiehawn1 thank you so much. It does help to know other people have had this experience. I just can’t deal with the conflicting emotions. Thank you x

Pinkroses - I'm sure lots of people have had your experience. I've never met one who successfully turned back, though. You are much better off starting again and being more forgiving of yourself. You would not have done what you did if your marriage had been a happy and successful one. You did the right thing by leaving your dh. Your only problem is, you did it in a way that is allowing you to beat yourself up about it. Don't be like my friend and beat yourself up for years. It's not worth the heartache! She only moved on when she realised absolutely everyone else had moved on years before and wondered why she was still punishing herself for it.

I think you want him back because you have discovered the grass is not always greener on the other side.

My advice would be to remain single for now. Going from your op, you split up with this other man very recently - a month or so ago? I think you'll gain enormous confidence from being self sufficient, doing what you want and not depending on a man for now.

I agree with roundabout's comment. Try to forgive yourself and move on. The language you use; you hate yourself, you deserve harsh comments on here, you'll do anything your ex wants..all indicate your mindset, as if you want to be punished.

You're not in a good place to even consider going back to your old relationship, particularly if it was abusive.

From your posts, it's not clear whether he is really "emotionally abusive" or just a bit of a dick sometimes.

I suspect it's the latter and the EA label is just a narrative you (and the OM) cooked up to justify your actions. I mean, how bad can he be if you are wanting to get back with him ?

A man's perspective:

1. Can I trust you to not run off again ? (Interesting you said you didn't trust him...well, you showed him didn't you ?)

2. 18 months is a long time to take to realise you made a mistake. I would want to know why did your relationship with OM end. Are you just lonely and at a loose end ?

3. Am I second best ?

It's pretty amazing that he is even thinking about having you back, so there must be something there.

how bad can he be if you are wanting to get back with him ?

^^ This.

I would think having left him for a better fit...you've experience a non abusive relationship ... you've had better...so why go back to him.

Sometimes the relationship isnt quite as bad as you think or thought it was.

If he really was abusive... then perhaps you'd benefit from individual counselling...to figure out why you want to be with an abuser.

OP let me tell you my story, which is a bit different, but emotions are similar.

My exH left 2 years ago after many years of being secretive, "single" together, absent as a dad etc. I tend to forget (compartmentalise) bad things, but my friends still remind me how absent and unsupportive he was in the most of the years of the marriage. The last years of marriage there was also infidelity involved, from his side.

Anyway, 5 months after he left I got together with someone whom I am still with as of today (1.5 years). When exH found out, all of a sudden he wanted back. He tried being nice to me and DC, then threatened suicide and stopping maintenance, now he spends very little time with DC and it breaks my heart. Although we are rarely in touch, I can still feel his bitterness - he told me I broke the marriage because I got together with someone after he left, it was never meant to be forever, and this is me who is having an affair (well technically we are not divorced yet).

Since I've got doubts about my current relationship, and feeling lots of guilt of my DC not seeing their dad (his choice), I often wonder if I was right not to give him a second chance. After all he is their dad and he said he's changed and understood his faults (which I doubt - back to not seeing his DC), and life back together would be easier on many levels (sharing childcare, household, income etc). I sometimes thought that if my current relationship runs its course, I might consider counselling with exH and just take it from there. I still think we (him) could benefit from counselling as he is being avoidant (as in the marriage), but even if we got back together, I think the dynamics would have changed as he thinks I am the villain regardless of what he is done, and in his eyes that would be me fixing the marriage now, not him. Overall I don't think it is going to work out as we both moved on too much, but it does not stop me thinking from time to time that perhaps we could still work it out. Maybe I am still grieving. I am dreading the day when one of us files for divorce, but I think it has to be done to get some closure.

And you don't have children.. give yourself time to grieve and move on. I think, even if you do go on date with him, you will soon realise that he is still the same person as he was and moving forward is the only way to go.

Thank you catbasilio I see a lot of similarities there in your story. I also had reservations in my relationship with the OM. Six months in I knew I’d made a mistake but it did come to a natural end. I also think my husband and I have been apart too long in that we have changed and obviously it would be me having to really try. I feel like it’s a grieving stage too, for what might’ve been.

I remember reading a survey about people who have affairs and leave their marriages for the new partner. I won't pretend to remember the exact statistics, but it was a very high % of people who went on to regret their choice two years later, even if they were still with their affair partner.

I suppose this illustrates that you're not alone op, it is surprisingly common.

Unfortunately I do think you burned your bridges and your xh is struggling with the implications of taking you back.

I suspect he still cares about you, but cannot bring himself to make that final decision for frankly obvious reasons.

I don't think you should go back, you left for a reason.
Perhaps you didnt do it in the right way, but think really long and hard about why you left. You didnt walk out on a great happy marriage, you walked out on a shit one, that made you unhappy.
perhaps the OM was just the catalyst for you getting out, but you did get out.
As someone else said, in life you can only really move forward
Put all of this behind you, thank the OM in a way for being your escape route and find someone who you truly deserve and who truly loves you

He was also quite emotionally abusive and always quick to lose his temper which led to arguments
Read... Re-read... Digest!!!
Do not go back to this.
He won't have changed.
Get out there and enjoy yourself.
I started again at 42 and am doing it all again at 49!
It can be fun out there.

Sorry OP, you only seem bothered about him and your marriage since you split from OM, you weren't bothered in the slightest before this, can you not actually be without a man, genuine questions....

just sounds like you need to have someone and the ex will do, I doubt whether either of you love each other enough to last a lifetime, he was and probably is still abusive, you cheated, I'd not go back to any of that if I was you, he won't change and you may be tempted again because this is not love, it's a relationship that died in the water years ago.