Husband addicted to porn

[Unlovedhousewife]

Right 5his is going to be long, so bear with me. Exactly a month after DS birth, we were going out and his phone connected to his cars Bluetooth and it came up with pornhub. Cue an awkaward conversation about it all, anyway, long story short, I went onto DH phone that night to see what was so interesting, and he had deleted his history. Upon doing further digging, I found around 40+ porn videos on his history. In the past we have barely had sex as he was always too ‘tired’ or some other excuse, so now I feel like he did want sex just not with me. Anyway, he promised not to do it again as we came to the conclusion that it was really affecting our sex life. Things were okay for the first month (Dec) and then I got suspicious, and I checked the phones that they use at work. There were Porn videos that I knew DH has watched in the past. Confronted him and he eventually admitted it was him. When I had asked him about whether he was watching it again, he denied it (he has sworn not to just so that we could repair our sex life). The worst bit is, was that he swore on our newborn sons life that he hadn’t watched it again.

I just feel like I can’t trust him now. If it was me, I would avoid any porn as I knew it was really hurting my OH, and I’d try to get our sex
I’ve back on track. He’s 25 and I’m 24, so it’s not as if we are past our prime. Please I need some advice on what people would do in this situation. I will probably have to give more backstory to this as it is such an extensive topic. And please no ‘it’s juts men being men’ as that is really not helpful. I’m worried he is addicted to this porn and that I’ll never measure up. He used to just keep rejecting me all the time, and yet when I’ve explored his history further, there was one time last year where he went on it for 10 days in a row everyday, and some days were 2/3 times in a day. And yet with me, he’s too tired. I’m fed up and seriously considering a divorce, as I feel like he’s lied to my face in multiple occasions and has just done what was good for him, and he couldn’t care less about my feelings. Please can anyone give me some good advice. Thank you

Also, I should say that since he was found out first time round, that he would almost purposely leave his phone out and unattended in the other room- almost like bait to tempt me to check his phone... because he was using the ones at work to access porn, he knew full well I wouldn’t find anything, it’s incredibly deceitful in my eyes. I asked him about the work phone, and firstly he denied it. Then when I showed him pictures as evidence, he admitted that he used that phone as he didn’t think I’d find out.

Also, during this time, I kept going into work if he was working late (he owns his own business, so it’s okay to do so) or I was on FaceTime so that he could see our son. I didn’t understand how he could possibly find the time to watch porn, as he reckoned he was doing it when he was working late... Over the weekend he admitted that one of the times he watched it on the work phone, he took it into the toilet to watch at about 5pm- when all of his workers were in the office.

I always thought that it’d be safe in the day as he wouldn’t do it when other people were there... guess I was wrong. I now worry all day when I’m with baby alone as it turns out he doesn’t care if anyone is there or not.

Please please help me, I’m going crazy!

It doesn’t really matter what we think about porn and you can’t force him to stop. What you can do is decide on whether it’s a deal breaker or not.

Also, during this time, I kept going into work if he was working late (he owns his own business, so it’s okay to do so) or I was on FaceTime so that he could see our son

Why though? Do you need to be in almost constant contact with him?

I'd say he has a problem for sure, I don't understand these men that choose that shite over a real live sexual and connected relationship with their partner; he has consistently put this before you and him, for me, that would tell me all i need to know, I'd have moved on from him by now though.

I just wouldn't put up with it, it's simply selfish behaviour, he doesn't need it OP and not all men even use porn, they don't feel the need to or they may disagree with it, like a lot of people actually do!

It's the lies too, he sounds really immature and sorry but I'd be concerned about live web cams and the like, escorts etc, he's certainly playing in that muddy puddle.

I don't think your husband is a porn addict.

He just likes porn. Why should he stop something he enjoys just because you say he should?

It sounds like your sex life needs some work though - maybe stop nagging about the porn and then you'll both be able to focus on that.

No, he asked me to so that he could see DS. He doesn’t have any work on the nighttime’s, he basically has to stay there until the other employees have finished and then he can lock all up.

I feel like it is not a necessity in life. He doesn’t need to watch it for a healthy relationship. He used to let me think that there was something wrong with me. Imagine being rejected night after night when you want to be intimate with your husband. He got to the stage where he wouldn’t even say hello to me, he’d just ask me what housework I had done (I was at university, so I’d come home late around 7/8 and have to then do housework.

I think he’s completely selfish for getting himself off all that time knowing full well I was unfulfilled and not getting anything. The first time I caught him he’d wake up early on the weekends and watch it in the bathroom, when he could hear our baby crying. Rather than help sort out the baby to give me a break as I do it all night every day, he chose to sort himself out. It’s really fckin selfish.

He’d turn me down and then go and watch it. And the fact that he swore on his sons life is disgusting. I never asked him to do that (I am highly superstitious on things like that, so I never swear in case then something bad happens to them- weird but I’ve had a lot of people die in my life so I don’t like to ‘tempt fate’. He voluntarily swore on DSs life that he wasn’t doing it, so I believed him.

Over the weekend he admitted that one of the times he watched it on the work phone, he took it into the toilet to watch at about 5pm- when all of his workers were in the office.

Yuck!

It sounds like your sex life needs some work though - maybe stop nagging about the porn and then you'll both be able to focus on that.

Why should she, he's rejecting her time and time again, it's not the OP that has a problem!

It's the OP that as a problem with her DH watching porn.

If he enjoys it, I don't see the problem. Nobody is making her watch it andaubergine if she didn't nag about it, he wouldn't have to watch it at work.

Nobody needs to watch porn, but many people enjoy it.

Biggest eyeroll I can muster at kubex. Her DH is using porn daily, even multiple times a day, even at work with his employees there, while refusing sex with his wife... and it’s her NAGGING that’s the problem!

Brilliant.

Adora, it’s not as if I’m a prude. I have a high libido and I often give oral to him so that he doesn’t feel like it’s all about me. I dress up or try anything he wants, so I don’t understand why porn is so attractive.

Kubex, he spent 50% of last year on porn, and yet I wouldn’t get any sex for weeks! And why does he get to do something he enjoys when it hurts me so. I enjoy sex, so does that mean I can go out and have it with other people- just because it is ‘something I enjoy’? I wouldn’t have a problem with prom if I was actually getting sex from him, but instead he is getting his rocks off and I’m left home and dry.

The reason I want him to stop is so that he can actually focus on being intimate with me, and valuing me as his partner- not just the cleaner. He’s realised that when the porn usage went up, he would treat me worse, it’s a pattern. I’ve supported him through his business going under, family issues etc and I’m angry. Why does he get all the fulfilment and be sexually satisfied and yet ignore me.

Also, he is using phones that his workers use during the day. If they find that sort of thing it doesn’t look very professional and would be highly embarrassing, for him and me.

Adora, I found the 5pm really bad. I said that as the business owner, not only is it gross, but if your employees catch you or know your doing it, it looks bad on everyone (he owns a business with his parents, so they’d be just as embarrassed as we would be!)

He said addicted and whether people agree with porn or not is irrelavant. He is lying to you and it’s impacting on your marriage.

Does he realise that you are actually thinking about divorce. Maybe it will be the trigger he needs to decide what he wants, porn or his family. One thing I would say though is that porn like any other addiction is not easily given up and perhaps he really did try when he said he was going to stop. He needs to talk to someone about his struggle to give it up.

Is addicted not said

So Kubex, should I just resign myself to a marriage where I am feeling unloved and unfulfilled- and just do the housework, raise our children and let hubby do what he wants because it’s something he wants to do? Not say anything or try and repair our relationship because I don’t want to nag? What about when he lists my faults or has a problem with me? Should I just sit there and take it? Never speak up if I am unhappy? And just be like ‘who cares about what I want’. How far would that go? If he cheated on me, should I stay quiet and not nag? If he ignored me?If he became verbally abusive? If he hit me? Just as long as he’s happy, right?

Kubex, the Knob.

OP, I honestly think he needs professional help.

Tictoc, I did say that I’m not sure how we can have a relationship when I feel like he is lying to me all the time. There were points that I felt so incredibly low and we have both realised that those times was when he was watching it a lot. He knew the first time that I’d had enough. I said that if he lies again, he’s out. It’s more the lying that pisses me off. If he was intimate with me, and that he was thinking about our son and me more, then I’d absolutely have no problem with him watching porn. I get that sometimes people just want to have a quickie without foreplay and the likes, but the fact that it has been contributing to such a problem in my marriage

Ignore kubex. Waste of space.

Concentrate on the more helpful posts.

Ask him what he’s prepared to do to address it, give him a time limit to action these things (if they are acceptable to you) and if he doesn’t do them, leave/get him out.

This is no life.

Sorry I don’t know how to quote.

Adora, he is going to counselling now. He started going when I caught him the first time (there are things in his past that he also has had to deal with- and to be honest they are things that not many people have to deal with, so it was really hard supporting DH through all that, as with many people that would be a deal-breaker).

I feel like his counseller is minimising it really. For example, in one month, there was only 6 days that he didn’t watch porn (most months were like this) and about 25% of the days were multiple times a day and yet I’d get nothing sexually. How is that not an addiction? But his counseller reckoned that is wasn’t. If he is now doing it at work during the day, that to me is more than a simple habit!

OP, I am no prude at all, in fact I have a high sex drive and very little inhibitions but it sounds to me like he's replaced YOU with online titillation and god knows what else he is watching, sorry but I'd be concerned about the content as it sounds like he's heavily invested.

Ultimatum time I'd say, if he can't stop he either goes to the doc for help or you have to call it a day.

If my OH watches porn occasionally then I don’t care, AS LONG as he we are maintaining a regular, happy sex life together.
If he was watching it most days and also turning me down for sex all the time then i’d be livid. I’d feel totally rejected and insecure.
Have you specifically asked him why he doesn’t want sex? Just “being tired” wouldn’t cut it for me because he clearly has the energy to wank and he has enough libido for that.
It sounds like there’s something else going on. Are you both arguing a lot which is making him not want to have sex? If so then he needs to sort it out with you properly so you can become closer again.
Is he depressed?

What is an acceptable time frame? I am trying very hard to not ‘nag’ or ‘bang on about it’ but I want to deal with it. It’s so hard to not think about it. My problem is, is that I associate things too easily. For instance, every time I now look at his phone, it reminds me. When I use the toilet at work, I feel dirty. I really wish that I could just brush this under the carpet, but I feel that if he hadn’t have watched the porn, there would have been many times I’d have been a lot happier. About 2 years ago I went through a year of hell. He was basically ignoring me or having a go at me, but I stayed with him because all about his past had come out and his business going under. But I feel like if the porn hadn’t have happened, then I wouldn’t have gone through such a bad time.

Hi - I have quite a bit of experience with this issue, sadly. I'm older than you and have been married more than 25 years and this issue has blighted my relationship. It was already an issue in our first year of marriage, so much so that I decided to see a therapist to discuss MY reaction to the discovery that my husband used porn...

In the early days it was magazines but with the arrival of the internet - I know how old that makes me sound! - it took it to another level. Every now and again, I would stumble across websites etc that he had clearly accessed on our home computer and every time and I would feel that hot rush of panic, anger and humiliation.

In the early years, I would confront him but nothing fundamentally changed. My husband, like yours, made a conscious decision to put porn before our own sex life. It dwindled to nothing but I decided to put up with it for the sake of the DC. Believe me when I say that I made it very clear to my husband how this was affecting us and me, but he chose to ignore or not believe what I was saying.

Over the years I began to feel less and less desirable. The lack of interest from my husband, his preference for porn, affected my self-confidence and my belief in my own attractiveness. Then one day in my late 40's I 'woke-up'. I decided that I was not going to my grave never having sex again. To cut a long story short, I had an affair. That affair did me more good than I can tell you. I am a different person. However, it also did more harm, at least in the short term. I told my husband in January that I am divorcing him.

That is a rather potted, simplistic summary but it illustrates how porn can, for some marriages, spell the end. You need to decide whether you can live that life. I wish you the very best.

Adora, sorry I wasn’t implying you were a prude, i don’t know how to quote parts but I was trying to say that i agreed with you that I’m trying all the time and that I’m no prude.

Purplerain, yes that would have been my stance. I get that sometimes people just want a quick release and if I am ‘surfing the crimson wave’ then sex Is off the cards, but the fact that it has pretty much replaced me has now caused me to have a problem with it.

His counsellor puts it down to stress. But the amount of times that DH does it, well then if It is due to stress how has the bloke not had a heart attack?

Before all this, I never argued with him, as I wanted him to be happy. Long story short, his MIL pretty much verbally beat me into submission. I used to always stick up for myself, but she mentally exhausted me to the point that I used to just blame myself for things (I moved in with his parents for a while and then we moved out).

I am the first partner he’s had that hasn’t cheated on him, or lied to him or manipulated him. I felt like in the past I kept sacrificing myself to keep him happy. I always do my makeup and keep myself presentable- and he gone to Magaluf and other boys holidays and I didn’t try to stop him as I thought that I trusted him and that he shouldn’t miss out on those experiences. He has a car that he modifies and he has a quad bike, so he is free to spend time on his hobbies and other things, so it’s not like I am a needy, overbearing wife that keeps him under her thumb.

I guess I just need some other perspectives on this, as I am alone with a 4month old on maternity leave and have no one to talk to about it all.

Laine, thank you for sharing your story. This is what I am afraid of. I don’t want to waste the best years of my life with someone who will never change, and I am scared that he won’t. He reckons this time around he definitely hasn’t, as he realises that he could lose everything, but I’m afraid that that is just lip service. Will it be the case that it won’t happen for a few months and then it will start again. Do I get out now or persevere? If it was drugs or alcohol- I’d be able to tell if he started ‘using’ again, but with this there are no symptoms. Our sex life has improved since we talked, but I’m worried it’s like he is on probation: act good for a little while and then slip back into it.