Husband addicted to porn

[Unlovedhousewife]

Right 5his is going to be long, so bear with me. Exactly a month after DS birth, we were going out and his phone connected to his cars Bluetooth and it came up with pornhub. Cue an awkaward conversation about it all, anyway, long story short, I went onto DH phone that night to see what was so interesting, and he had deleted his history. Upon doing further digging, I found around 40+ porn videos on his history. In the past we have barely had sex as he was always too ‘tired’ or some other excuse, so now I feel like he did want sex just not with me. Anyway, he promised not to do it again as we came to the conclusion that it was really affecting our sex life. Things were okay for the first month (Dec) and then I got suspicious, and I checked the phones that they use at work. There were Porn videos that I knew DH has watched in the past. Confronted him and he eventually admitted it was him. When I had asked him about whether he was watching it again, he denied it (he has sworn not to just so that we could repair our sex life). The worst bit is, was that he swore on our newborn sons life that he hadn’t watched it again.

I just feel like I can’t trust him now. If it was me, I would avoid any porn as I knew it was really hurting my OH, and I’d try to get our sex
I’ve back on track. He’s 25 and I’m 24, so it’s not as if we are past our prime. Please I need some advice on what people would do in this situation. I will probably have to give more backstory to this as it is such an extensive topic. And please no ‘it’s juts men being men’ as that is really not helpful. I’m worried he is addicted to this porn and that I’ll never measure up. He used to just keep rejecting me all the time, and yet when I’ve explored his history further, there was one time last year where he went on it for 10 days in a row everyday, and some days were 2/3 times in a day. And yet with me, he’s too tired. I’m fed up and seriously considering a divorce, as I feel like he’s lied to my face in multiple occasions and has just done what was good for him, and he couldn’t care less about my feelings. Please can anyone give me some good advice. Thank you

Stop explaining yourself OP, you have done FA wrong here! In fact, imo, you've been far too accommodating to keep him happy, doesn't sound like he credits you with the same consideration at all, in fact I'm afraid to say, it sounds like he doesn't give a fuck what you think.

Thanks Adora, it’s nice to be able to talk to someone about it. I am trying to be hopeful that with this counselling that he will be able to change. His family are quite selfish people, so I do think that he gets it from them, I’m just trying to work out whether to persevere with the relationship or not.

I do feel a little trapped at the moment: we mortgaged my grandmothers house so that we could do it up, so I feel like if we split up then we will have to sell it to split it- and it’s the only asset I own, whereas he has a business. Also, I am currently on on maternity leave from work, but I used to work for him, so I’d have to get a job to financially support DS and I. I do honestly believe that he would provide for DS, and he wouldn’t leave our child high and dry, but I have no ‘backup plan’ per se. I only have a mother and brother (all my other family are dead) so I don’t have a lot of financial help there.

Throughout all of this, I do honestly love him and believe that he does me, but I don’t know if that is enough. This is the first time I have given someone a second chance, so this is new territory for me. I do try and justify it in my head and say ‘it’s not like he has cheated’ but with all the constant lying, I now have doubts, he managed to watch porn for half the year last year under my nose in the house and I never knew, so that does make me doubt him on other things now.

I have the same issue, except hasn't gone off me at all (if anything I'm not that interested) however I do still have an issue with it! Its all very well people saying they don't have an issue with it, plenty would if you were being lied to and it was a good few times a week and occasionally more than once a day..If it was a very 'occasional' thing , then I wouldn't be so peed off, but it isn't! For me its created a viscious circle, because he lies and does this, I no longer feel as attracted/interested in that way. Maybe others wouldn't have that reaction, but I do. guess we are all different.

I think because it has gone on for so long he probably just thinks you are a nag but in my book a relationship is a team and you both have to do things to make each other happy, not just suit yourself, esp when you know it hurts the other one!

So, you say he loves you, maybe so but is it enough to put up with this crap, I'd say not. Of course it erodes the trust and I'd honestly wonder what it is he is looking at OP, they could be live cams etc as he seems very into it in a way that would indicate some kind of addiction.

Instead of policing him and trying to work it all out, i think you need to give yourself a break from him and being his mother and think about you now, let him feel the consequences of his actions because he seems to think it's all normal, right down to the work phone in the toilet; not normal OP.

Sorry but I think you need to give him a long hard shock, nagging has and will not work.

Unlovedhousewife i would advise you to look at the evidence and then simply ask whether you can live your life with this cloud of suspicion, mistrust and anger hanging over you.
Adora10 has hit the nail on the head and I have to agree.
But it’s your life - remember that. No-one has the right to dictate to another such a fundamental part of their life.

Divorce is tough. Life is tough. But you are a young woman and yuy can rebuild your life and live it the way you want.

Yetmorecrap. I has made me feel inadequate. Less tahna month after birth this all come out, and I have horrendous deep stretch marks from where I carried DS.

Sounds silly, but I’d walk out into the street naked and wouldn’t care what other people thought... but I try to hide them from DH so he is still attracted to me. All the porn he watched had perfect women in them. So not great for the self-esteem after giving birth!

I bet he's no fricken Adonis himself!

Get so angry at these posts with these horrible men that think it's ok to be selfish sex centred idiots at the expense of their partners, bet if you were doing it, he's have plenty to say!

Laine and Adora: I have made it quite clear that this is the last chance he will get. No more chances. I am trying to give him the chance to prove himself, he is going to counselling and our relationship has improved. But only time will tell if it is just temporary ‘good behaviour’ or if it is real change. I haven’t been to work since this happened the second time around as I know I will check the phone. I do try and not go on about it... for example, this week I have wanted to bring it up, but I haven’t as I don’t want it to be the only thing we talk about. How would each of you proceed in my situation. I know that’s asking a lot, but whenever I try and google it, it’s either ‘put up and shut up’ or leave him, and I’m not in a financial position to do so. I do want to get a little bit of money behind me before I do anything, but I do want to give him his chance for our son. My main problem is, is that I have to know. I asked him when he does it and where and then it makes me paranoid. But then I think if i didn’t know this was going on I’d have just kept thinking that he was ignoring me, and since this has come out he has tried a bit more. Do you think that I should stop asking questions? How do I stop myself wondering? How can I take my mind off of it? Even doing things like watching TV, porn will come up and it stings and I feel all those feelings of humiliation and inadequacy. What would you do?

Sorry I know this is a lot to ask, but I haven’t spoke to anyone else about all this, it feels nice to have someone to talk to about it that won’t judge me or blame me

Unlovedhousewife - you poor girl.... you shouldn't have to be dealing with this crap 4 months after having a baby... forget your stretch-marks, they're a badge of bloody honour. Look after yourself and your baby and all will be well. I'm sorry if that sounds trite, it's not meant too.

I think you need to take a little bit of time out and concentrate on you and your baby. You don't need to make a decision right now. Get out and about as much as you can and see your friends. Don't dwell. If you're the first to have a baby then join all the groups you can. You will meet one woman at least who will become a firm friend and a rock to you. That was my experience and there is no reason why it shouldn't be yours.

I will say this. Your husband sounds like a moron. If he cannot even begin to see the damage this is doing, then frankly he is not bright enough to run a bloody business let alone be responsible for bringing up a child. Think about that.

Adora,he is overweight, has bad skin and lost some teeth in an accident, but to me he is my everything. I have never once made him feel self-conscious and I always try to make him feel desirable (I’m no Naomi Campbell myself!) that’s exactly how I feel: ‘oh so it’s okay for you to look at pretty naked women,but I cant’.

I said to him, how would he feel if I was looking at pictures of naked men, or if I got sent nudes of them- in both scenarios it’s someone who we don’t know, we are seeing them naked, and we know that they are more ‘perfect’ examples of our partner. He said that he would feel hurt, and so I said ‘so why is it okay what you are doing?’

I feel like it gets normalised with ‘everyone does it’, ‘men are visual creatures’ and ‘they need that stress-relief’- well what about my stress relief? He actually said loads of his friends look at it, and I said ‘well, loads of your friends are either single or cheat on their partners... does that mean that is okay if others do it? I have friends who have cheated on their partners, does that mean I can?’ He then says no, so that’s a stupid point to make.

Laine, thank you- you’ve made me tearful. I was so proud almost of my stretch-marks, as they helped to carry my son healthily- and I know there are so many poor women out there who can’t, so I was proud of what they represented... until all of this.

When I’m at home, I do try and keep myself busy, but what should I do if I do get a ‘paranoid’ thought.... is there anything you can recommend that can take my mind off... some sort of method that when I start thinking about this I can snap myself out of it.

Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to sound like I was rubbing it in... I meant that I loved them as I knew I was very lucky as so many people don’t get the chance... and I know they’d have all the stretch marks in the world if that meant they could have a baby... so to me they represent a wonderful thing that has happened to me, until all of this

What would I do?

I'd give him one last chance and mean it. Then I'd have a plan for when he resumes because I strongly suspect that he will. I'm sorry darling, but that's my opinion.

You will need to go back to work - sorry, but work will save you. That will probably bring on howls of protest from other quarters but in my experience it's the truth. Work gives you financial independence, intellectual stimulation, the opportunity to be the other you, a wider circle of acquaintances. Work is important. You will need to work again when your son is older. Don't leave it until then. You must keep relevant at all costs.

Stop asking him about it because it just screws you up and makes you feel bad. I know this is difficult but be your own best friend. Concentrate on your son, getting back into shape (it will make you feel better). Eat properly.

I know right now you feel that your world is caving in and that you can't see beyond this. But believe me, time will pass and you will feel better and stronger and will be once again the person you were.

But everyone does not do it, definitely not the extent he is, he can't get through a day of work without going off to the toilet, that's just minging.

Your stretch marks prove what a wonderful human being you are, do not let his inadequacy make you question your worth, this is not about you!

Sorry but you are going to tie yourself in knots to try and accommodate his selfish desire for sexual gratification, I'd not do it OP, I'd honestly tell him i want a temporary split and re assess once his counselling is over and see where you are both at then, his insistence on carrying on even when he would feel hurt if you did the same is a massive slap in your face, stop turning yourself inside out to keep him happy, what about your happiness?

In my experience it just doesn’t get any better at all. They promise to stop etc etc and they carry on. I would end it if my fiancé was doing this.

Laine, that’s a good idea. I think getting back into shape will help me with my own self-confidence... think it’s time I should be a little selfish 😉 just wish I wasn’t so bloody nerdy... think that’s the student in me... always have to know everything. I wish I had friends like you, this is helped a little bit. If you have any other advice I’d be grateful of it

I agree Adora, it’s pathetic that he can’t control himself. Swear if he was a dog I’d have have him neutered 😂 I am going to get some money together and I think a break will be good. That way I can reassess what I want to do with a clearer head. Thank you for your empowering words, it’s nice to realise that this isn’t my fault.

Fantasmasgoria, this is his last chance, I’m not being taken for a mug again.

Why would it ever be your fault, he is choosing it, you have not forced him into anything; and it's nothing to do with how you look, it's to do with him and his real problem, it's for him to sort out, with your support yes but not at you sacrificing your own want and needs and more importantly, your morals!

Unloved - your username is heartbreaking. IME they don't change - or maybe they can't. There will always be people who try to minimise this sort of behaviour on the grounds that "boys will be boys" or "adults can do whatever they like and to hell with anyone who gets hurt along the way". But if you read any literature about addiction the hallmarks are things like: the user struggles to go any length of time without it, they use it even when it has a detrimental effect on their own or others' lives, and they develop a tolerance to the thing they're using so that they need stronger/ more frequent "doses" over time. That sound like your husband? That's very different from "normal" porn use that probably goes on to some extent in most relationships. And as with any addiction, it's difficult to beat on your own. If your husband is really serious about stopping, there are 12-step programs and similar to help, but these require him to admit he has a problem and to be completely transparent going forward. There are apps he can use to help him be transparent e.g by forwarding his browsing history to an appointed person at regular intervals.
Laine has given you some excellent advice about being kind to yourself and protecting yourself for the future. Try to get back into that headspace where you were proud of your stretchmarks - as you rightly should be. Treat your body well, as it deserves to be treated. Say kind things to it. Focus on all the incredible things it can do - and on all the beauty in it. Naomi Cambell or not, humans are so beautiful and you're no less so than anyone else. One of the other things to remember about addiction is that it's not about anyone / anything else other than the addict / addiction - an alcoholic doesn't drink alcohol because there's something wrong or imperfect about apple juice.

Adora, after all the shit with MiL, I felt like I got brainwashed to believe that everything was my fault, so when this first happened, I revert back into that mindset. You’re right, this is his choice... not like someone has a gun to his head. Yes I think I’m done sacrificing myself... it it happens again, he can wank away all he wants, cos the fucker will be single! Thank you for your words, it’s nice to have someone to talk to. Like I said to Laine, any other advice will be appreciated 🙂

Another, it sounds obsessive, bu I actually printed off a calendar and then marked all the times He went on porn last year... so he could see it visually. I do genuinely believe it shocked him. He does see it as a problem, but when it happened again, he said that he didn’t tell me as he thought he could get a handle back on it... that to me says that there is a struggle there.. so an addiction, but his counsellor doesn’t think so... which I’m not sure about. Either the counseller is doing it to his wife... or DH didn’t even show the counsellor the calendar... or it isn’t An addiction, but I 5ink the first two are more likely.

If he wasn’t going to counselling, then I’d have left him the first time, it by him doing this (or at least I hope he is doing what he says he is doing) then hopefully that means he does want to change.

Thank you as well for your kind words, they have touched me. I feel quite teary reading them. It’s nice to hear those words.

I really feel for you. This may sound simplistic but have you asked your husband whether he still desires you? It would be very sad, but not altogether unheard of, for him to have stopped wanting you.
I actually stopped fancying my Exdh after being quite besotted for years. It sort of happened gradually and I've no idea to this day why it happened. I certainly didn't lose my libido, he was handsome, clean and an altogether great bloke. I just stopped fancying him.
In the end he had an affair

It does indeed sound like an addiction OP. And I'm doubtful if he'll ever be able to kick it. I'm sorry and this be horrid for you

He may do for a while but I imagine, what with it being so accessible, that the temptation is too much and he'll just give in to that very strong urge. It doesn't help that he obviously has a phone on him all his waking hours?!

Say he does manage to stop. There will be plenty of times in your relationship where you'll not want sex for a while. And it will pop into his head as an easy way for sexual gratification. Or if you have a heated arguement and in that moment of anger he loses respect for your marriage so he'll just do it again. It could easily become a vicious circle.

I know this is different but my dad was an alcoholic and once he went a whole year without alcohol but as soon as we hit a rough patch in life he started again and it was like he never stopped.

Addictions are powerful and controlling and sadly I'm finding it unlikely your DH will manage to fight it.

Have a look at the website Your Brain On Porn and show him some of the articles. It’s absolutely an addiction in cases like this and in those cases it becomes more difficult for the addict to be as stimulated by real life sex as they are by porn.

Unloved good on you!