Husband addicted to porn

[Unlovedhousewife]

Right 5his is going to be long, so bear with me. Exactly a month after DS birth, we were going out and his phone connected to his cars Bluetooth and it came up with pornhub. Cue an awkaward conversation about it all, anyway, long story short, I went onto DH phone that night to see what was so interesting, and he had deleted his history. Upon doing further digging, I found around 40+ porn videos on his history. In the past we have barely had sex as he was always too ‘tired’ or some other excuse, so now I feel like he did want sex just not with me. Anyway, he promised not to do it again as we came to the conclusion that it was really affecting our sex life. Things were okay for the first month (Dec) and then I got suspicious, and I checked the phones that they use at work. There were Porn videos that I knew DH has watched in the past. Confronted him and he eventually admitted it was him. When I had asked him about whether he was watching it again, he denied it (he has sworn not to just so that we could repair our sex life). The worst bit is, was that he swore on our newborn sons life that he hadn’t watched it again.

I just feel like I can’t trust him now. If it was me, I would avoid any porn as I knew it was really hurting my OH, and I’d try to get our sex
I’ve back on track. He’s 25 and I’m 24, so it’s not as if we are past our prime. Please I need some advice on what people would do in this situation. I will probably have to give more backstory to this as it is such an extensive topic. And please no ‘it’s juts men being men’ as that is really not helpful. I’m worried he is addicted to this porn and that I’ll never measure up. He used to just keep rejecting me all the time, and yet when I’ve explored his history further, there was one time last year where he went on it for 10 days in a row everyday, and some days were 2/3 times in a day. And yet with me, he’s too tired. I’m fed up and seriously considering a divorce, as I feel like he’s lied to my face in multiple occasions and has just done what was good for him, and he couldn’t care less about my feelings. Please can anyone give me some good advice. Thank you

If we're looking at it as an addiction that needs getting over, I presume that means he shouldn't go on it at all, because he can't do moderation? Like alcohol consumption is considered normal in our society, but a recovering alcoholic has to remain teetotal to stay on the wagon?

Okay, that is what im scared of. What if I’m ill and can’t do anything? What if I get pregnant again? He already said that it is off-putting when I am pregnant due to the fact that I have our baby in me (which I can sort of get) but it worries me if we have another what will he do then?

The last week I was on, and he said that he was really ‘gagging for it’ but apparently he refrained from going on anything... if he is speaking the truth. This is such unusual territory for me... for years I thought he had a low libido as he never went near me. Turns out he is highly sexed! Felt like I didn’t know this person at all!!!

Addy, that’s why I felt like I needed to sort of ‘ban ot’. I know there are people who will call me controlling and unfair- but i feel that if his usage of it affects our relationship then basically he can’t go on it. I have used exactly your point- an alcoholic cannot have even just one drink as they abuse it, and I feel like this is the case with DH and porn. I’d love for him to not have a smartphone, but unfortunately he needs to send emails to traders and other associates... and contact customers- plus it will raise questions with his parents who he works with, and that’s not a conversation I want to have. I just hope that this will resolve itself.

DH is aspergic, so he has never been good at opening up in the past, or talking about feelings... since he has been to counselling he has been a bit more open with things, so I hope that this is a sign that all this will get better... so any advice will be greatly appreciated xx

By 'aspergic' do you mean he has Aspergers? If so, this could explain some of the problem. He watches porn because the bodies are perfect. He doesn't like sex when you are pregnant, he doesn't want sex when you are on your period, now you have stretch-marks.
Please don't shoot me down in flames. My son has Aspergers and anything out of the 'normal' horrifies him.
Could you try a night out ending with a stay in a hotel. Ban phones for the evening and see what happens? There's a lot more I could say but unsure if I'm barking up the wrong tree!

Do you actually know for sure he is attending counselling? You cannot assume, even if he is, that the 'information' he is relaying back to you has actually been said. Irrespective of whether or not his behaviour meets the threshold to be considered an addiction his main sexual attachment is to pornography and not you. I've been there too and it's very difficult and damaging. To be honest, when my ex reduced the porn he just found other ways to disrespect and undermine me. My life is so much happier without him in it. Maybe stop focusing on him for a while and think about your own happiness and well-being.

sent you a PM

Third, yes Aspergers... wasn’t sure if Aspergic was grammatically right. My brother has it, so I have been used to people like it. I do get the pregnancy thing, I think that irrespective of what’s gone on- I’d i was the bloke I’d find it a little weird, a bit like if you were to get it on with a very young child in the room... they don’t know what’s going on, but you know what it is and you find it inappropriate, well I do anyway. Plus I can’t inagine that a huge bloated belly that kicks you when your getting it on keeps the mood.
Please say more what you were going to say, I’d like to see your perspective. We are going on holiday in May, so we will be without DS for a long weekend, so I may try the ‘no phones’ then.

Bastardkitty, he does have texts from the counsellor, and he does have a tracker on his car (it’s a high value, easily stolen car, so that’s why he put it on- I didn’t make him) which if I was to look I’d hope that it’d correlate with the counsellors address. The fact that he demeanour has partly changed makes me want to think that he is- If this change in behaviour was solely down to him, surely he would have done it in the past when we hit rocky patches.

When he got caught first time round, he stopped the porn for a month, but then kept buying scratch cards. He was honest with me about it. It then appeared to be that as soon as he stopped the scratch cards, then he went back to it. I actually said I preferred the scratch cards as then at least they didn’t make me feel self-conscious! I’m wanting to try focusing on myself, it’s just that if I watch TV or go on the internet as a distraction, things and references about porn are everywhere... so I just start thinking about it. Any suggestions about coping would be greatly appreciated

I understand - my ex also went from one interest to another (porn/gaming) - but never me. If I said to someone who wasn't fit and didn't exercise that they should go to the gym and work out for 2 hours, they wouldn't know where to start. It's a bit like that with starting to think about yourself. You have to start somewhere and learn more about it. So start thinking about what you like and what interests you. What were you into before you met him? Have you got a hobby? See friends? Do a night class? Go see a film? Go for a walk or swim? It's easy to forget about you and become tightly focused on the problem. I would alo not treat 'things the counsellor said' as gospel.

Haven't read all the comments or replies here as rushed for time but wanted to say my ex was like this. He wouldn't stop. I used to be able to log into this google account - I set the account up for him when I bought him his new phone - and could see exactly what he had been looking at. It was constant 3/4 times a day. At work, at home etc. The final straw was when I left him with dcs one night to go out with a friend. I had been out the door 10 mins, checked his account and he was watching it at that moment with a young baby and a disabled child that were both wide awake when I left.

He wouldn't stop watching it. I couldn't stop him. I eventually found out his had also registered on a sex website looking for 'discreet sex'. His words, will never forget them and that was the end. He had cheated also previously.

It will be hard for your oh to change. Just wanted to share my story, sorry it didn't have a happy ending. I don't even necessarily have a problem with porn. It was the amount he watched it and the fact he would watch it over looking after our dcs. Made me feel sick.

Well then, it makes a lot of difference! People on the Autism spectrum have difficulties with relationships and their emotions. They don't see things the same way as 'typical' people do. They can get addicted to things very easily. Not saying all Aspies are the same! The trouble with Asperger's syndrome is that they are high functioning people with Autism so on the whole, they go about their lives fairly normally and it's easy to over-look their difficulties.
The only thing that takes my son away from his addictions is to literally take him away, a different environment. He then begins to see other things, other interests. I appreciate I'm talking about a child here, but my whole family suspect I have Asperger's too. I am doing a Degree in Psychology so I can help understand myself and my son.
I think if you accept that this is all about your partner and does not reflect on you, then you might come to terms with it. Whether or not you can accept the lack of sex is another matter. Hopefully, he'll get bored of his addiction and come back to you. Sadly, I don't think there is anything you can do. You are young. You have choices. My advice would be, taking into account you have a baby, would be to bide your time. Prepare for a future on your own, just in case.

Could you maybe give a bit more background about how he treats you generally, putting the porn issue/lack of sex to one side? You have said a few things like about him getting home and not saying hello to you, just asking what house work you’d done. Does he do his fair share of household chores? Does he contribute fairly financially? Does he look after the baby?

How does he speak to you generally?

Sorry if you’ve already answered any of this, just trying to get the bigger picture

I think you know he's addicted to porn, he chooses this over an intimate relationship with you. (I say 'choose' but he actually can't help it if it is an addiction)

You need to get counselling as a couple if you stand any chance of saving your relationship.

Talking and promising will not help, neither will checking up on him.

Secret Mole: I should say- when he wouldn’t even say hello and ask about housework was about 2 years ago- that was when we were at our worst. It was during his old business- it became a monster very quickly, when it started up we had just started dating; and he was working 7 days a week, 6am until 11pm. Then when it grew quickly; although he then had Sunday’s off, he was still working 6am until 11pm. He had to manage 60 staff that always had problems, and they were always worried about how they would get the wages in. It basically grew too quickly. Then when it started going under, that’s when he’d barely say hello. Since he has been going to the counsellor, he has acknowledged that he didn’t treat me very well- he has apologised profusely and realised that he did a lot wrong to me, and despite how he treated me I stuck by him throughout. When I confronted him about his usage during 2017, he openly admitted that his porn usage would have probably been a lot higher. He now talks to me and is trying to make an effort. Aside from all the sex/ porn issues, he seems to be a good husband. I say seems as since all of this is still fresh for me, I do still hold some resentment towards him because of all this. But if I try to take that out of it, then he is good. He does provide for me, and is an excellent father. I know he dotes on our little boy and I truly believe he does love me... it’s just the case of whether that love is enough.

He does housework as well, and he isn’t as fixated on it if it isn’t done, as he realised he was too crtitical on that. (Moving out was hard as I come from being a hoarder, so to then clean to someone else’s expectations and to try and prevent emotional attachment to things was hard). I used to cry during housework (silly I know) because i was scared of going back to hoarding.

For a bit of background: his parents used to always have people round- they started their first business in their house, so their employees would be working in the lounge whilst their children came round. He said that their children (who were a lot older) used to bully him and take his toys (he was very little) and then end up breaking them or ruining them. If he tried to tell his parents they would say they were busy and ignore him, or tel him to just go play with the children. Two of the employees’ girls who were about 14/15 when DH was about 8 tried to make him smoke cigarettes once. They used to punch and pinch him regularly. It got to the stage that people wouldn’t even knock when they came round- they used to just walk in.

Also, for a little while his mother became addicted to drugs; her friend would come round and they would smoke it in the house. If DH tried to go into the kitchen for a drink or anything, he was ordered out by the friend. (This has only come out since he has been counselling). He said that he felt like his house wasn’t a home and that other people would always take over. He reflects on the house now and says that it has never felt like home to him... so at the risk of trying to look for excuses, I wonder if that has had any implications on how he is.

Sorry, realised I asked you a question and didn’t come back. I’m just browsing before falling asleep (I’m knackered!) but I thought I’d bump this for you in case you need some further support

My heart goes out to you. You have just had your first baby and you have more than enough to deal with.
You are only 24 years old. Why would you want to put yourself through a lifetime of unhappiness when you have the youth and opportunity to start afresh. Why would you saddle yourself with this man's inadequacies? You will never get any happy ending with this man. Not ever. You will constantly be left feeling unattractive and neglected. What sort of a marriage is that? Being obsessed with porn at 25 years old is utterly sad and weird in the extreme. He is doing everything in his power to avoid real life. You deserve to be with a man who wants a real relationship and you are never going to get it from your husband.

But if I try to take that out of it, then he is good. He does provide for me, and is an excellent father. I know he dotes on our little boy and I truly believe he does love me... it’s just the case of whether that love is enough.

It's not enough op, he'll always make you feel like you're not enough if he can't genuinely cut out the porn. All the financial, parental, and friendship support in the world is great, and essential to a healthy relationship, but also what is equally essential is to feel desired, sexy, adequate and totally enough to your partner. You will never feel this with your Dh as he's choosing to use his sexual energy to wank to other naked women.
It's also total bullshit that porn is just fantasy to all men, it isn't, a lot of men that use porn are comparing the perfect 18+ something pornstars they are viewing to the real women they have relationships with and very quickly develop unrealistic expectations on what a real woman actually looks like. They are becoming addicted and developing erectile dysfunctions and it's becoming a serious problem, particularly for the internet generation of men.
It's a horrible situation to be in op, but you're still so young and have the opportunity to change your life for the better, choose someone who adores you and puts you first everytime

Perhaps he has a low libido. Low libido makes porn and masturbation more appealing than actual sex. I think women sometimes struggle with understanding this. Low libido reduces the pleasure and satisfaction experienced, and also reduces the amount of energy available for sex.

Sex requires much more energy than masturbation. With an adequate libido, the effort is worth the reward as you would experience more pleasure than masturbation. With low libido, neither provides much pleasure. You could force yourself to go through the motions of sex, but it probably wouldn't be a completely satisfactory for either party.

Plus its harder to sustain an erection and harder to reach climax. By yourself this isn't a big deal. With a partner this is likely to add additional stress.

That's just my thoughts on the subject. There could be many reasons for his actions. You'll need to talk to him thoroughly, and whatever the cause try and be patient and understanding. Berating and getting angry at him, though understandable, is only going to make things worse.

Perhaps he has a low libido. Low libido makes porn and masturbation more appealing than actual sex. I think women sometimes struggle with understanding this. Low libido reduces the pleasure and satisfaction experienced, and also reduces the amount of energy available for sex

Yeah you’re right, it’s so hard for women to understand this, with our tiny woman brains and the stereotype being that it is us who have the lower libido. For fuck sake, women don’t have to put up with a porn addicted partner, we are actually allowed to want a satisfying sex life.

Hi Ladies, I am 60 so have a bit of experience, also sadly in this field.
There is a fine line between porn addiction and recreational porn. The line gets crossed when it starts adversely affecting your relationship, and this sounds as if he's doing exactly that. Sadly few addicts, of anything, ever "get clean" and stay clean. Talk to him, so he can't accuse you of non communication, say how its affecting you, and your baby eventually, and if he doesn't reform, you leave. But... you must be prepared to do it. IF he cleans up his act and mans up, maybe you can return. But, maybe you will appreciate the new life of peace and developing your new self confidence. Truthfully? I don't think he is worth wasting your precious time on.