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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you deal with a husband in pain and tired? Because I'm failing at it

59 replies

magicschoolbus · 26/03/2018 15:20

My husband has aches and pains from a long term condition - he is also incredibly tired all the time.

I am a sahm, we homeschool . Dh works full time. We are both in our mid thirties .

The last year or so he has been getting more pain and struggled more to do things - he cant bend down very easily, he gets tired after very very simple jobs (yesterday he dug a single howl for a plant and that was it he was lying down for the rest of the day and went to bed at 7pm) .

I don't expect him to do housework especially on the days he is in work - I have always been the sahm and always done most of the housework.

But the last year he has gone to expecting me to do every single thing on a daily basis- from getting his clothes ready to pickup. Up his mess - even cleaning the toilet after him .

But the worst part is that he takes his pain and tiredness out on me. He gets in really bad moods and ends up slamming drawers and storming off places. It's like I'm constantly having to be careful not to upset him.

We can't really have sex much because of he gets so tired but he also seems to blame me for this and gets annoyed about it .

I have no idea how to deal with this. We have been together 17 years I feel terrible that he is in pain and tired - but at the same time I'm doing my best- I go around picking things up I give him massages, Cook all his food etc- what more can I do?!

OP posts:
Original poster
magicschoolbus · 26/03/2018 15:21

Sorry for the typos- I am typing this while
Pushing a two year old on the swing Blush

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AnyFucker · 26/03/2018 15:24

I supose you could stick a broom handle up your arse as you tend to his every need. Get the sweeping done whilst multi tasking.

Then again, you could stop enslaving yourself to soneone who treats ypu like shit

Aprilmightmemynewname · 26/03/2018 15:27

Get a cleaner to give you a break.

Ratbagratty · 26/03/2018 15:32

Get him back to see doctor / specialistdoctor, something needs adjusting. I'm surprised he has the energy to slam things but not clean a toilet. Thing you may be letting him get away with it.

Ryder63 · 26/03/2018 15:34

I'm surprised he has the energy to slam things but not clean a toilet.

Quite.

Original poster
magicschoolbus · 26/03/2018 15:35

He is seeing doctors he has an mri etc in a week or so.

I'm not entirely sure how I stop doing these things - if I don't get his clothes he will literally go to work in dirty clothes - if I don't clean toilets etc he won't and I can't live in a house that dirty.

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Original poster
magicschoolbus · 26/03/2018 15:36

Ratbag I probably am letting him get away with it.

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Scabetty · 26/03/2018 15:38

GP - sounds depressed. But shouldn’t take it out on you. Stand up to him and tell him enough!

mummyhaschangedhername · 26/03/2018 15:38

I think he needs to keep going to the doctor until they do something to help, including looking at depression. Some of the things you mention, like digging a hole wiping him out sound like part of his condition but without knowing more it's hard to tell. The inability to chose his own clothes or clean up after himself sounds like laziness. As I say it's hard to tell from your post, we don't know what is wrong with him.

What kind of job can he do if he can't even chose his own clothes, yet works full time?

It's sounds like a really difficult time for both of you, I think you need to open some real honest dialogue and discuss this. Is there a way of you going back to work and him doing more at home? Would that help?

Thoth · 26/03/2018 15:39

I have to say I'm living with Similar, though he does do some tasks. Most of the time I work round it, or ignore it.
They cannot find a root cause of the condition, which doesn't help, but my husband does nothing to help himself, he doesn't look after his health at all.
I'm tired of it, and have run out of sympathy. It's not something I'm proud of tbh, but I'm so ground down. I work FT too.

Original poster
magicschoolbus · 26/03/2018 15:43

He works in IT so he just sits at his desk which he seems fine with although it makes things worse because he stiffens up.
He has this
www.nhs.uk/conditions/ankylosing-spondylitis/

I feel very sorry for him - I want to help him buy it's hard with someone constantly shouting at you.

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SomeRandomBird · 26/03/2018 15:43

Option 1. Send the kids to school / nursery, get a job, get a cleaner

Option 2. LTB

Original poster
magicschoolbus · 26/03/2018 15:45

I already work from home part time for him (he runs the business he works out) plus he doesn't look after the children alone and even if we did send the children to school the cost of after school care would be absolutely enormous for 6 children.

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RubberJohnny · 26/03/2018 15:49

Has he brought up low dose naltrexone with his consultant? It works really well with als

JaneEyre70 · 26/03/2018 15:52

I think you need to be honest - say you are sympathetic to his condition but also tired of walking on eggshells and being treated like his personal slave. That you also work hard, am tired but aren't taking it out on him. And that if it carries on, you will have to rethink your relationship. Give him a chance to make changes. He either puts some effort in, or carries on as he is. And then you make a choice.

But you aren't his carer - if he can hold a job down, he can clean his shit out of the loo. You don't have to enable him.

Original poster
magicschoolbus · 26/03/2018 15:53

He doesn't take any medication at the moment apart from normal painkillers .

He has the mri next week and then he will be going to see the consultant - I am hoping he will tell them how much worse it has got over the last year - he can't bend his back much at all now.

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Dumbledoresgirl · 26/03/2018 15:55

You probably have ideological reasons for homeschooling your children but my first thought is that if they were out of the house for 6 hours a day, you would have more time to do everything you need to do.

For different reasons to you I had a lot on my plate and my dh wasn't doing anything after work and minimal help at weekends. The only way I coped was in those precious hours when the children were at school.

deste · 26/03/2018 16:34

I’m also surprised he can do a full day a time work but can’t dig a hole without having to Go to bed.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 26/03/2018 16:39

I'm surprised he's not on stronger painkillers if he's in so much pain.

Tbh, you have six children to care for and a man who shouts at you and who's unwilling to even clean the toilet after himself (wtf is he doing there?) - I know what I'd do.

FancyNewBeesly · 26/03/2018 16:39

I don’t think many people here understand how debilitating and soul-destroying chronic pain is. AS is a truly horrific disease. It’s fortunate he’s still able to work or do anything at all. At least there are treatments that can slow the damage so hopefully they can help him, but he is probably always going to be tired and in pain. As someone who is also always tired and in pain, I’m wondering what exactly people expect him to do? It’s not okay to take it out on you, but I’d like to see some of the people here being model human beings while feeling so dreadful and being in constant pain. It’s really difficult and sometimes you slip up.

FancyNewBeesly · 26/03/2018 16:41

Does it not occur to people that the reason he can’t manage the other stuff is because he’s working full time? Very few people with such a severe illness manage to do that. When I was still working full time that was literally all I could do - around work I was lying down and sleeping.

ShortandAnnoying · 26/03/2018 16:41

I think you might need to accept he just can't do much around the house in addition to working. Living with chronic pain and fatigue is very tough. I think you need to look for ways to make his life very easy outside work and find some other way to get the help you need with housework.
On the other hand he shouldn't be treating you badly or disrespectfully. He ought to clean the toilet and basic things like that, and put things away after himself. He is probably in pain and frustrated he can't do all he would like to, but he shouldn't take it out on you and the kids.
Another thing that can sometimes help with AS is a special starch free diet that you might want to look into.

aliceinwanderland · 26/03/2018 16:43

I have a similar condition to your DH. It is very hard to explain the level of fatigue it can cause, and which can come on very suddenly. The only thing that comes close is the exhaustion I had during the first trimester when I was pregnant.

BUT he needs to be taking more steps to manage the condition which should help with the fatigue. I assume he is under a consultant? He should ask for more drugs and/or steroids. My hospital also runs a fatigue clinic to help people adapt. You doing everything is not a sustainable solution.

Original poster
magicschoolbus · 26/03/2018 17:06

To be clear I DONT expect him to do lots when he isn't in work . I didn't mean for this to be a thread about him not doing things - I posted because I am struggling really badly with the situation - not because I blame him for it just because it's hard to cope with.

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Original poster
magicschoolbus · 26/03/2018 17:08

I just miss having someone to turn to when I need help or just to talk to in the evenings - or a day out or anything really. It's very lonely .

OP posts:
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