How do you deal with a husband in pain and tired? Because I'm failing at it

[magicschoolbus]

My husband has aches and pains from a long term condition - he is also incredibly tired all the time.

I am a sahm, we homeschool . Dh works full time. We are both in our mid thirties .

The last year or so he has been getting more pain and struggled more to do things - he cant bend down very easily, he gets tired after very very simple jobs (yesterday he dug a single howl for a plant and that was it he was lying down for the rest of the day and went to bed at 7pm) .

I don't expect him to do housework especially on the days he is in work - I have always been the sahm and always done most of the housework.

But the last year he has gone to expecting me to do every single thing on a daily basis- from getting his clothes ready to pickup. Up his mess - even cleaning the toilet after him .

But the worst part is that he takes his pain and tiredness out on me. He gets in really bad moods and ends up slamming drawers and storming off places. It's like I'm constantly having to be careful not to upset him.

We can't really have sex much because of he gets so tired but he also seems to blame me for this and gets annoyed about it .

I have no idea how to deal with this. We have been together 17 years I feel terrible that he is in pain and tired - but at the same time I'm doing my best- I go around picking things up I give him massages, Cook all his food etc- what more can I do?!

You cannot continue to allow him to treat you badly.

Getting angry at you for going quietly to bed at a normal time is not on, and you are on a slippery slope by accepting to be treated like that.

He does not have carte blanche to treat you like shit just because he is in pain.

Stop tiptoeing around him, and pull him up on his behaviour. Literally tell him:"you cannot treat me like this"

If you do not stand up to it, every single time, it will get worse and worse

Yes he is in pain, but he can still respect you!

My other half has AS. The difference is that he does everything he possibly can to get the best treatment and follow all the instructions and medication he is given. This means he is in the best possible place for slowing the progression, managing the pain, and being able to function as a husband and father. This is what you need him to do. One of the things he was told absolutely specifically NOT to do was to take to his bed and limit movement. This is pretty much the worse thing for AS occurring in backs. He needs be seeing a specialist, researching the condition and acting like an adult in managing his condition. I know it sounds harsh, but he can’t take this out on you whilst making no effort to improve the symptoms.

I'm really not impressed that he has been failing to seek medical help for his condition. With something as painful as that tbh it's plain weird. Is he getting something out of his suffering? Is he afraid of medication, or opposed on principle? It seems outrageous that he is allowing himself to become more and more disabled and in more and more pain but prefers that and treating you like shit, to seeing if there is any help, however scant.

But however much he is suffering, he is treating you like shit as well WHICH IS A SEPARATE ISSUE. He ought to be mortified every time he snaps at you, as pp have said they are facing similar difficulties. If he had any sense he'd be a bit more appreciative. If you get ill yourself, or so fed up you leave him, that won't help him at all, clean trousers or no clean trousers.

Thank goodness he is seeking help now.

I note he has a desk job. He should chat to his employer about getting a standing desk. Sitting all day will make it worse.

He doesn't take any medication apart from paracetamol and ibuprofen.
After the initial scans and appointments he cancelled all follow ups and refused to go back - he just didn't want to know.

It's only now that his back is like a plank of wood that he's gone back. I have begged him over the last year to go back but he just refused to believe there was a serious issue .

Endof - I don't really know what a carers assememt is big I wouldn't say I'm a carer - he still goes to work and looks after himself just sleeps a lot and doesn't do much else .

That is barking mad and wholly irresponsible. There are specific meds that can help, and it is a progressive disease but progression can be slowed a lot by managing it correctly. Conversely, doing the wrong things can mean you end up in a wheel chair at a relatively young age. Sorry to be blunt but he is being hugely stupid. You have six children to think of!

NASS is pretty good, and has details of the types of exercise he should be doing and the range of medication that is available:

nass.co.uk/nass/en/exercise/exercise-for-your-as/

Eh? You have to clean his poo up but he gives so few fucks about overloading you that he wouldn't access available medical support. For a year! Oh, now, I am seething on your behalf.

OP, you did say that he cannot take responsibility for his clothes and would go to work in dirty clothing if you didn't manage things for him.
You also said you have to clean the toilet after him.

IMO those are the actions of a carer, caring for a person who cannot manage some aspects of personal hygiene independently.

He seems to be unable to contribute to parenting responsibilities, meaning that you have to do it all. While working part time to support the family and home educating 6 DC.

What happens when your health and sanity fail?

I think you are functioning as a carer in many respects and could be entitled to assessment and support.

I am so sorry. It sounds so hard.