How do you deal with a husband in pain and tired? Because I'm failing at it

[magicschoolbus]

My husband has aches and pains from a long term condition - he is also incredibly tired all the time.

I am a sahm, we homeschool . Dh works full time. We are both in our mid thirties .

The last year or so he has been getting more pain and struggled more to do things - he cant bend down very easily, he gets tired after very very simple jobs (yesterday he dug a single howl for a plant and that was it he was lying down for the rest of the day and went to bed at 7pm) .

I don't expect him to do housework especially on the days he is in work - I have always been the sahm and always done most of the housework.

But the last year he has gone to expecting me to do every single thing on a daily basis- from getting his clothes ready to pickup. Up his mess - even cleaning the toilet after him .

But the worst part is that he takes his pain and tiredness out on me. He gets in really bad moods and ends up slamming drawers and storming off places. It's like I'm constantly having to be careful not to upset him.

We can't really have sex much because of he gets so tired but he also seems to blame me for this and gets annoyed about it .

I have no idea how to deal with this. We have been together 17 years I feel terrible that he is in pain and tired - but at the same time I'm doing my best- I go around picking things up I give him massages, Cook all his food etc- what more can I do?!

Op I have lots of different conditions that mean I'm constantly tired and in pain too. I don't treat my DP like shit, tbf he does a good amount around the house so that I'm less tired but I don't expect him to pick us after me. Honestly it seems he's using his condition against you.
How would he cope without you? (Plenty of people do cope with lots of chronic conditions without someone waiting on them). Treating your partner like shit isn't a symptom of his condition is it? Maybe if you left him he'd see how much better off he is for having a free carer.

Also could you send the kids to school? It'd give you a break during the day to catch up?

Hmm. It's difficult because I can sympathise to a certain extent. My DH Has a chronic condition and lives with daily pain. Seeing him struggling to cope is heart-breaking at times, he's been living with it for 10+ years now. One thing that did help was a referral to a pain clinic. They do a lot of work on how to accept your restrictions and work around them and dealing with the psychological resources you need to cope with being in constant pain. Has he done anything like this?
On the other hand, my DH works really hard on not taking it out on me or the children. And he does absolutely everything he possibly can around the house, even if it then cripples him for a while afterwards - which is unhelpful in a different way!

Would comments be similar here if OH was a woman with a severe, debilitating illness? I think not.

OP, I hope you both get the support you need. Wait for the MRI results and take it from there .

To be honest the kids being here is not a problem at all- we do school when dh isn't here . It's when dh is here the issues happen because he's tired so wants quiet or I don't know at 10pm he will suddenly realise he wAnts a certain pair of trousers washed and dried or something like that.

I should add here we have been together 17 years I do love him really! But it's the prickly responses and outbursts of anger and feeling like I'm tip toeing around when he's tired that is hard to deal with.

For example yesterday he has been in bed since 7 and had a big go at me because I woke him up going to bed at about 10-
I didn't walk in shouting or anything I literally just lay down in bed. I don't have a go at him back because I know he's in pain especially at night but I spent a good half hour just lying trying not to cry while he huffed and puffed and threw himself around the bed.

Strax - he has done nothing like that. He has refused point blank to go to any appointments for the last year - he only agreed to go now because he can longer bend his back further than a couple of inches.

We had similar but opposite roles - I had chronic pain for several months.

My first thought is that he isn’t sufficiently analgesed. What is he taking? Nerve painkillers can be very effective and can taken alongside lots of other drugs - it’s definitely worth asking about them.

My second is that it’s natural to be miserable and a bit grumpy when in pain but not okay to take it out on you all the time! He has the energy to slam drawers but not to wipe his own bum?! What was he like before he was in pain?

When I was ill (thankfully treatable and now improved but we didn’t know at that point), I had to go off sick. I simply wasn’t up to working. I did what I could at home but DH did a lot around his work. He did his best to keep me as positive as possible but it was hard for both of us. I know I was short-tempered at times but I tried hard to show gratitude for what he did to help and certainly never stormed out!

Having an illness does not give him the licence to be able less reasonable than anyone else though.

When my dh asks for some trousers to be washed, I say 'put them in the washing basket and they will get done when I am next washing similar items.' If I am feeling in a loving mood, they might go to the top of the priority list, but I would never ever wash something there and then to satisfy his desire to have them washed straightaway. But then, my dh knows not to ask something so unreasonable.

And whilst I understand how upsetting it is to be shouted at by ones dh, if mine did that when I came to bed, he would get short shrift in return. You don't have to lie there quietly weeping. Let him know how rude and aggressive he is being!

In a calmer moment, you need to tell him how upsetting his shows of temper/frustration are. The conversation could be framed around 'what can we both do to make life easier' if you prefer it, but I don't think you should let him get away with being an utter grump.

I don't give a shit what illness he has or what sex he is

Nobody treats me like a skivvy when I am trying my best to help

Having a chronic illness is not a green light to run your spouse into the ground. I would say the same about a woman so fuck off with your genderbending crap.

Get the kids to school.

I have RTFT so dont think Ive missed anything...but his pain management may have room for improvement. In terms of both his psychological approach to the pain (lots of areas now have referrals for non-medical interventions for chronic or complex conditions which are generating very positive date in terms of outcomes), and his meds. Its a fine balance between managing the pain, and limiting the sedation and fatigue some of the drugs cause....and also the irritation that withdrawal/dependance can begin to produce.

There is no excuse for being unkind to you. You are doing your best, and he must realise that. Im not convinced he is doing his best, do you think he is?

Could you go back to work, and he school the kids, etc? I imagine it would be more tiring than work, perhaps though, if he mostly sits. Or could the kids go to school so that you could both work PT instead of him being sole income. Then he could do a little more housework, and you a little less? It might not be the best idea financially, but is it more viable long term?

Find your self respect. Tell him straight to stop that shit if he's horrible to you. Tell him with some force is totally unacceptable to ask you to clean his shit off the toilet. If he asks for a trouser wash at 10pm say no.

Being ill isn't a pass to be mean. What on earth are your children learning from this?

You do need to tell him “stop taking it out on me”. It is so hard not to be short and snappy when you’re in considerable pain, not to mention severely frustrated and depressed by the situation you find yourself in, Health that’s deteriorating, fear for the future, etc. I am sure I’ve snapped at my DH countless times, but I always apologise if I do, and he knows what an arsehole he can be when he’s in pain, but Pain is a very rare experience for him but it’s my whole life.

For me, my patience would wear thin because he’s refusing to do anything about it - there’s so much he could do to reduce his pain and slow the disease but he isn’t doing those things.

I think you need to have a serious discussion about how you can both cope going forwards. He needs to get medicated and learn pacing techniques, you may both need some counselling, you need to talk about it ways you can manage things together as a team.

Show him this thread lass.

He needs to understand before you break.

@AnyFucker well aren't you delightful?!
I genuinely don't think people would be as quick to say ltb if sex was reversed. Nor do I think her OH should be treating her the way he is due to his illness, but when chronic illness is present it's not as black and white as "he's a bastard, leave him". As I said before, I hope they both get the support that's needed.

Is he on the right meds for his pain? It can be frustrating when you can't do what you want to do, because of mobility issues. He probably feels like he lets the family down by not earning. (speaking from experience).

Ps I no right to treat you like shit though no matter how much pain he is in

It took the gps years to refer my DH to the pain clinic, even though they are supposed to refer within 12 months I think. It really helped him. There's no medication that he takes, the side effects outweigh the benefits for him so finding other ways of dealing with it was really useful.
It's a horrible position for you both to be in, but he has to wake up to how he's treating you.

You sound as if you are his carer.
Have you had a carer's assessment to see what support you can get for you?
How do you have time to home ed 6 DC? Surely everyone is losing out?

My husband has this, and is also a rheumatologist.

Things shouldn't be so bad re his pain - it sounds like he has in no way exhausted his options re pain relief and other drugs and desperately needs to start taking something more than standard drugs.

It's awful seeing someone with it but ultimately should be more manageable than your situation at the moment. I hope things improve. And I second a GP appt for him re depression. Worth exploring.

Oh and there is a really good residential course to help people cope with AS at the Min (RNHRD) hospital in Bath, if you can get a referral that might help with coping strategies and physio for him.

A professional "carer" would not have to tolerate being treated like this. Such a person would have recourse to grievance procedures unless treated with a decent modicum of respect

Why should op suck it up...just because she is his wife ?

I don't normally comment on relationship threads but this one caught my eye.

He has AS so my question is, is he being treated properly? What meds have they got him on? I have another disease in the same group and I can totally understand how your husband feels. I can be vile when it flares badly. But the daily drain of the constant fatigue and pain is quite frankly awful. And with this quite often you end up with MH problems too.

Getting the disease under better control is the best place to start. I've just started one of the new drugs. My husband and I just take things day by day. I'm not excusing his behaviour but I totally understand it.

Jesus christ people she has said over and over again she loves him they have been together 17 years in sickness and in health, she just needs to vent. To be listened too...my thoughts are to ignore the snapping. He probably knows hes being a dick but if it happens in front of the kids then id pull him up on it.
Maybe a support group for you/him sometimes just talking to people who are going through the same thing is enough to give you strength.
You sound like you are superwoman seriously 6 kids that you are homeschooling and helping an unwell DH. Let the housework slide a bit make sure you get sometime for yourself.

What's he proactively doing to get some help ? Yes, AS sucks but it sucks more when it's not being treated. Can he get a private referral ? Does he have a rheumatology nurse he can contact ? Does he contact his GP seeking options or assistance ? Chronic conditions need a degree of self management. It's okay to have bad days and to withdraw but it's not ever okay to treat you as his slave.

He needs to learn to manage his pain and his condition but not to be a victim to it. He manages work but can't be arsed to manage his toileting ? Sorry that's laziness and disrespect, not illness. There's a difference between being sympathetic and being scammed.