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Original poster

DH, MIL low contact and what's next

69 replies

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 24/03/2018 16:34

This is super long, sorry

Some of you probably remember my previous MIL thread that was quite long-running. Basically, MIL and I had always had a tense relationship due to her not thinking I was good enough for her son but when we got engaged things exploded, she ruined the planning of our wedding and I have nothing to do with her now. This all kicked off over 2 years ago.

We live abroad now (and have for 2 years) and the last time I saw her was Christmas, when I told her what I thought of her. There have been times where DH hasn't been onboard as he was very enmeshed and couldn't see how toxic she was, but we had therapy and now he understands why I can't have her in my life. She has treated him appallingly and he now has virtually no contact with her either. In her narrative, I have taken her baby away (we moved for his job) and have pushed her out of his life (she accepts no responsibility for the pain she caused us).

I have always encouraged DH to make his own choices about contact with her - I understand that she's his mum and he loves her, but she has been so spiteful to him and shows no willing to change as everything is my fault. This has chipped away at his feelings for her.

So, we were talking last night about the future. We had intended to move back to the UK this year to begin the next chapter- buying a house, and having a baby. DH suggested we start trying this year after our last meeting with MIL when we were in the UK for Christmas, and I was really excited as i really want us to have a family of our own.

Now he's gone back on it all, and says he doesn't want to move back this year as he has nothing to return home for Sad it's stupid, but I feel so sad and angry with him. It's not that I hate it here, but it's been 2 years and I'm homesick and am ready to move on to the next stage in life. We're here because of his work, and while there is the possibility of a transfer back home at the end of the year, I think he might turn it down to stay. We can't stay forever because of visas, but I think he's going to procrastinate and put it off as long as he can.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 24/03/2018 17:45

I remember your last thread, and I know you've been through awful things with your mil. Flowers

Why do you think he is putting off the return? Is he worried about getting enmeshed with her again?

RandomMess · 24/03/2018 17:48

Back to therapy to discuss it in a safe environment?

Original poster
VodkaLimeSoda27 · 24/03/2018 19:35

I think he feels so sad that things are never going to be ok with his family that he can't envision a future there at the moment. I don't think he will become enmeshed with her again; too much water has gone under the bridge.

Unfortunately he won't go to therapy at the moment Sad

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 24/03/2018 19:37

There are other places in the world you can go. Back near MIL and where you are now aren't the only two choicea.

NameChange30 · 24/03/2018 19:41

What about you though? Why isn’t he considering what you might want? Do you have a good relationship with any of your family and if so where do they live?

It seems to me that if people have a difficult relationship with their family of origin, it becomes even more important to focus on the family unit they create (partner plus any potential children), protecting that family unit and their needs - because the extended family is much less likely to support that and may in fact undermine it.

I’m afraid I didn’t read your original thread btw so apologies if I’m asking questions that have already been answered.

Original poster
VodkaLimeSoda27 · 24/03/2018 20:02

There are other places we could go. I'd personally like to move back to the UK but nowhere near where we are from, and start again. He won't countenance that at the moment either Sad he isn't really thinking about what I want as he's so focused on the breakdown of his relationship with his parents, and to an extent the breakdown of the wider family unit. She now isn't speaking to other members of the family because I met up with them at Christmas and DH's parents were not invited. She creates drama and that's just one reason I stay away.

I suggested elsewhere in Europe but he said he was concerned about the Brexit implications for people working in the EU which is fair.

We have good relationships with my parents, who live 20 mins away from where he grew up. I miss them a great deal.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 24/03/2018 20:10

I’m sorry OP but he is being incredibly selfish. With all her drama, MIL makes everything all about her, but by focusing on his family drama and how he feels about it, your DH is also making it all about him.

You’ve already made a sacrifice for him by moving to another country for his work. Is he expecting you to follow him wherever he wants to go for the rest of your married lives together?

Why should you be denied the opportunity to see your own family regularly just because his family is dysfunctional? Surely it’s even more important to maintain those relationships given the difficulty of relationships on his side?

If you do have children, surely you will want support from your family (if they are the kind of family that will be supportive), and you will want your parents and children to be able to see each other enough to have a relationship?

What about your work, do you have a job you enjoy in the country you’re in now? How do opportunities in the UK compare to those elsewhere, for you as well as your DH?

Maybe he’s in a bad place but I don’t see why he’s refusing to go to counselling. I think it might be ultimatum time tbh. Counselling or you go back to the UK without him.

fuzzyfozzy · 24/03/2018 21:08

I agree you should be able to move back but he probably feels like it's all too much.
I'd probably keep planting the seeds and not push for a decision yet.

Original poster
VodkaLimeSoda27 · 24/03/2018 21:11

He is being selfish, I know that. I'm angry with him. I have had to make sacrifices to come here (my old job, my family, my friends). On the other hand, I was keen to do it for the financial gain and the opportunity to start our lives away from MIL's judgement and disapproval.

He's not saying never to moving back, he's just not sticking to the original timescale we agreed. Like I said before, it's not like I hate it here- I've got friends, a nice part time job and we live a comfortable life but I want something more permanent now as we turn 30 soon and I'm ready to move on. I'm happy to stay until the end of 2018, but I think he will prevaricate and procrastinate on sorting anything with work and we'll stay longer.

I'm not going to leave him over it- I do love him very much, but I am very unhappy about him calling the shots here and am showing it.

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 24/03/2018 21:12

I remember your original thread op.
I remember thinking it then and still think now that after all that has happened and I know it has affected him more than anyone), your DH is incredibly self centred.
It sounds like he can’t have his family so you can’t have yours either.

Original poster
VodkaLimeSoda27 · 24/03/2018 21:13

Yes fishface, it does feel that way Sad

OP posts:
Boysnme · 24/03/2018 21:19

I remember reading your original thread and wondered how you got on when you were home at Christmas. It sounds like it was eventful.
Your DH is being selfish and should at least be considering some sort of counselling to help him get past this and allow you both to be able to make plans for the future.
I really hope you can get him to see soon that it’s not all about him.

NameChange30 · 24/03/2018 21:23

You must have name changed since your original thread?

I did find the one about you missing your mum on Mother’s Day Sad

You can actually visit your mum in the UK without seeing your MIL, you know. You could even go without your DH if that would minimise the fallout and making it all about MIL and his feelings.

Haffdonga · 24/03/2018 21:27

I remember your previous threads. I'm so glad to hear things with MIL have settled a bit and your dh has stared to see through the FOG.

It sounds like you now have a completely new dh problem. Why has he gone back on the baby plan? Why can't you try for a baby where you are living now? Why doesn't he want to go back to a new area? Is his reluctance to move back because it's easier to pretend to outsiders that low contact with his mother is just because you're in different countries? Back in your home country he'd actually have to stand up for himself to stay LC and it would be judged by family.

.

Original poster
VodkaLimeSoda27 · 24/03/2018 21:33

It was very eventful boys, I couldn't face updating. MIL was vile to DH repeatedly, he walked out of their house after blazing rows several times and a close relative attempted suicide twice. It was awful. I met with her once and told her that she had ruined our wedding and that I will never forgive her. DH backed me up, leading to more rows.

I have name changed since my original thread. Mother's Day was really hard. I know I could visit the UK without him but it'll just lead to more questions from friends and family who are obviously really concerned about the situation. I would never go and see MIL. She's vicious and spiteful and I'll never be alone with her again.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/03/2018 21:37

Well you can decide to try for a baby before you move back, you can also move back to your parents ahead of him still...

Keep your options open?

NameChange30 · 24/03/2018 21:37

Ok so have you and DH discussed what happened at Christmas? Have you discussed what next?

Because based on what happened I would have thought he’d be leaning towards going no contact - at least for the time being. How do you go low contact with someone like that? She sounds so awful that low contact is almost worse than full contact as I imagine she is trying every abusive and manipulative trick in the book to reel him back in.

Original poster
VodkaLimeSoda27 · 24/03/2018 21:39

He definitely sees through the FOG now. There would be more pressure on him in the UK from family, which is probably why he's putting it off.

Healthcare is very expensive in this country, even with good health insurance and I think I would need the support of my family. Even if they lived far away in the same country.

I wanted to lose some weight before we started trying as I know I need to be healthier, so I was happy to hold off for a few months. But now it's been postponed, I wonder why bother.

OP posts:
Original poster
VodkaLimeSoda27 · 24/03/2018 21:43

He pretty much is NC with her now, but low contact with his dad. He had a huge argument with her on the phone in Jan and has had one short and very strained conversation with her since after she called him many times and he didn't pick up. He didn't send her a Mother's Day card as he couldn't face being a hypocrite.

We have discussed Christmas, and he is completely in agreement that I was in the right to tell her how I felt. He told her many home truths as well, which were received as badly as you can imagine!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 24/03/2018 21:46

I assume on your original thread people pointed you in the direction of the Stately Homes thread, Toxic Parents Book, etc?

There’s only so much procrastinating and burying-head-in-sand he/you can do if you want to get your minds, bodies and lives in the right place to have children.

Nanny0gg · 24/03/2018 21:47

Everything is always on his terms isn’t it? And because you love him you go along with it.

But where is your happiness? Why doesn’t he think about you?

NameChange30 · 24/03/2018 21:47

Cross post. Sounds like a big breakthrough with his mum, to be fair to him.

Original poster
VodkaLimeSoda27 · 24/03/2018 21:50

Toxic in-laws has been a great book. I've done quite a lot of reading around this, and am having individual therapy at the moment, partly to try and figure some of this out. I need to get him toxic parents too...

I know that about burying heads in the sand. It's his coping strategy every time. I'm trying to not do that and look at the future, but he has just stopped engaging with that completely 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
VodkaLimeSoda27 · 24/03/2018 21:56

I don't know why he doesn't think about me nanny, but I'm feeling very sad about it today.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 24/03/2018 21:57

It’s not fair that you’re the one doing all the work. He needs to read Toxic Parents and get counselling IMO. I think for the sake of your own mental health, you need to move back to the UK and you need a definite date for the move (well not an exact day but you know what I mean!) So I stand by my earlier comment, if he no longer wants to stick to the original plan and isn’t even willing to go to counselling to discuss it, it should be ultimatum time.

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