DH, MIL low contact and what's next

[VodkaLimeSoda27]

This is super long, sorry

Some of you probably remember my previous MIL thread that was quite long-running. Basically, MIL and I had always had a tense relationship due to her not thinking I was good enough for her son but when we got engaged things exploded, she ruined the planning of our wedding and I have nothing to do with her now. This all kicked off over 2 years ago.

We live abroad now (and have for 2 years) and the last time I saw her was Christmas, when I told her what I thought of her. There have been times where DH hasn't been onboard as he was very enmeshed and couldn't see how toxic she was, but we had therapy and now he understands why I can't have her in my life. She has treated him appallingly and he now has virtually no contact with her either. In her narrative, I have taken her baby away (we moved for his job) and have pushed her out of his life (she accepts no responsibility for the pain she caused us).

I have always encouraged DH to make his own choices about contact with her - I understand that she's his mum and he loves her, but she has been so spiteful to him and shows no willing to change as everything is my fault. This has chipped away at his feelings for her.

So, we were talking last night about the future. We had intended to move back to the UK this year to begin the next chapter- buying a house, and having a baby. DH suggested we start trying this year after our last meeting with MIL when we were in the UK for Christmas, and I was really excited as i really want us to have a family of our own.

Now he's gone back on it all, and says he doesn't want to move back this year as he has nothing to return home for it's stupid, but I feel so sad and angry with him. It's not that I hate it here, but it's been 2 years and I'm homesick and am ready to move on to the next stage in life. We're here because of his work, and while there is the possibility of a transfer back home at the end of the year, I think he might turn it down to stay. We can't stay forever because of visas, but I think he's going to procrastinate and put it off as long as he can.

He may refuse to go to counselling but you need to to find out why you go along with all this. You need to find yourself again

Vodka love, he isn’t going to change.
He and his family have put you through so much shit and he keeps throwing it at you. Put yourself first.
WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY?

You have to stand back from this and really look at him.

The bottom line is, he has let you down a lot. Now things have moved on, and that's good - but still, still, his coping strategy basically involves going back to not being a partner. Not talking to you. Not making joint decisions and being reliable in carrying them out. Heaping the stress onto you.

He may be going through a tough time but he doesn't get to react like this and still keep his wife, still be a good partner. He doesn't get to have a strop and move the goalposts when that basically translates as throwing yet another bomb into your life. Your agreement was to go back - I suggest that you start showing him, now, that the changes that had to come don't just mean being an adult and standing up to MIL in a big flurry and then having the equivalent of a meltdown for a year to get over it. No, he stays being a functional adult, and he keeps to the plan. You agreed to move back, so you do so.

One thing you absolutely should NOT do is get pregnant in the States and have a baby there. If you do, you are entirely at his mercy - you won't be able to leave and come back without him, so if he decides that's where he's going to stay permanently you are fucked.

You cannot trust him enough to have a baby there on the promise you'd come back in a year or two - which says it all, really.

I suggest you tell him that. You aren't willing to put your future on the line and in his hands by having a baby there - so, until you are back in the UK, there will be no baby, no moving forward.

I think your DH is probably still trying to come to terms with what went on at Xmas. It is a big thing for him and he probably needs time to process it all.
I would imagine that its all too much at the moment for him to contemplate any other major changes in his life.
I would suggest you give him a little more time before you broach the subject of going back to the Uk again, it is probably all a bit much for him to process at the moment.
Give him some time to get some emotional wellbeing back, before you raise the issue again.

We moved overseas a few years ago and at the time didn’t realise it, but subconsciously it was because of DH’s family (abusive father, drug addicted brother).
We’re in a different position because we have made a great life for ourselves and are happy. But I do understand your DH’s reluctance to go back. It’s easy to compartmentalise when you’re so far away. We hear of the issues at home, but shrug and carry on with our life. If we were there we’d be sucked into helping and trying to fix things.
I understand how unfair this is on you, but give him some time and try and get back into therapy together. Then maybe you can plan to live in a different part of the country.

I'm having counseling to try and work on my response to this, as well as a lot of other stuff. I experienced abuse in my childhood (not from my family) which has impacted my mental health. I want to be the best mum I can be when the time comes, so I'm working on myself now.

DH is definitely compartmentalising, and I think genuinely can't face the thought of going back. We were going to go back for a family occasion of his in a few weeks but he balked and wouldn't book the flights because he knew his mum would ruin the party for the people whose special day it is. we are missing a friend's wedding in the next couple of weeks too. I know he'd be fine with me going alone, but that would feel sad too.

I'm not making excuses for him as I think he's being really selfish and I am pretty angry with him and do feel let down. I won't be getting pregnant out here.

The not wanting to go back right now for family stuff I can completely get. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for him to finally confront how awful his mother is, and I’m sure it is all very raw.

The changing the goalposts stuff...that is harder. It sounds to me like he wants to hide out somewhere where he feels safe and secure - the US, with you - and the thought of moving back to a place where he will be having his boundaries tested on a regular basis, be made to feel bad and have to keep being confronted by this horrible situation is too much to take right now.

Where he is being selfish is by not making these decisions together with you. It does sound a little like you are determined to move back at the end of the year. Does it have to be so set in stone or is there room for compromise? Would your H be more open to going to therapy, with you, if it seemed like there be more chance of some compromise coming out of it?

It seems to me that for you, this situation with your mother in law is kind of resolved - you no longer are pressured into seeing her or having her to stay etc - and that is a bit of a resolution for you, and you are ready to get on with your plans for your life. Whereas your husband is still at the beginning of this process and having to get his head round what his life is going to be like, going forward, with this changed relationship with his parents. I can kind of understand him wanting to bury his head in the sand a little and take some time to just live his life without any major changes. Moving at the end of the year maybe seems too much at the end of a pretty emotionally draining and devastating year.

Sorry, I probably sound very much on your husbands side! I completely get where you are coming from. I just know that when I had a big life changing bomb thrown into my life, it really wiped me out emotionally and I just craved normality and easiness and a drama free life for a good while afterwards.

I could of be talking complete crap here and just projecting my stuff onto you! I can certainly see how not a plan for your laide, especially when you are looking to have children soon must be frustrating.

I don't think you're projecting, different viewpoints help. I think he is hiding here because it's safe for him. I am open to staying a little bit longer but I don't want to be here beyond next summer at the very limit.

We are currently sitting in silence with this hanging in the air. It's our wedding anniversary next week and I don't feel like celebrating anymore.

You’re spending way too much time like that. Is it (and he) really worth it?

That is hard. I’m so sorry that the actions of this nightmare woman are continuing to affect your life. It’s not fair. It’s certsibly not fair for him to refuse to get more help or talk through it in a way that takes your needs into consideration.

While I can maybe see where he is coming from...it’s still selfish to just refuse to deal with it all.

Don't celebrate it.

Go back for the friend's wedding alone - and have a good time.

Look him in the eye and say 'I don't want to go alone, it's really sad - but I am no longer going to live my life reacting to you, instead of taking action. It looks like I am going to be doing more and more things alone in the near future, so I'd better get used to it.'

There have been times where DH hasn't been onboard as he was very enmeshed and couldn't see how toxic she was, but we had therapy and now he understands why I can't have her in my life

So, we were talking last night about the future.

Now he's gone back on it all, and says he doesn't want to move back this year as he has nothing to return home for

You talked -last night-.

how many years has it been since you realised what his M was like, and how long was he enmeshed?

He's grieving. And when you've been enmeshed and not long broken free (2 years is a short time given the length of 20 years' parenting) .... the idea of going back anywhere near the parent can be like a giant blank wall that you just can't face.

You only spoke last night. Give him time. Not too much; but you said you were nearly 30 and actually, you have several more years in hand.

Everything you've said indicates that he's been enmeshed, he's breaking free and he just can't face someone who's been abusive. That will change slowly but the final row was only what, 4 months ago?

Right now you need to give him time, to keep talking it over. It's unfair to expect him to go through this process of enmeshment - breaking out - revolting against your abusive parent - moving beyond that to reclaiming his life in only 6 - 18 months.

If in 3 years he's still the same then it's time to reconsider and at 33 then, you'll still have time. But at the moment you're looking for too much, too fast, lovely vodka. He's doing his best and he's going through a very hard (but necessary!) process

sorry if it's not well written, v tired again. Hopefully the idea gets through!

Oh Vodka

Been looking out for you - did you get your last thread deleted? Couldn’t find it (I may just be showing my lack of techie skills)

It’s, once again, all about him isn’t it?

I genuinely don’t know what to advise - but I do think you need to keep talking.

Have you explained to him that you’ve spent years dancing to his tune?

I agree with what Fizzy said.

Go to the wedding alone. Make it clear your future is in the uk.

He might realise without an ultimatum that he needs to go to therapy with you or alone, and start dealing with this, in order to stay married.

I totally understand him, we moved away from our home country partly to get away from my mother, and the distance is good for me, but my DH is happy here.
We would go back if he insisted, to a different part of the country.
I have had lots of therapy to cope with my childhood and break the patterns that are still evident today. It’s an ongoing process and I couldn’t do it without expert help.

Previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2760079-MIL-no-contact-DH-sad-what-to-do

SeaEagleFeather - that's so true.
I had a huge fight with my mum 3 years ago and was down about it for a long time. Still am. It takes time to heal - so I would try to be more patient.

Upside I need to ask you to teach me how to use the internet

Oh bless you. Ive just read both threads - though I do remember your posts from the time you went to the US.

Can you talk to your dh about him becoming free from her manipulation? He is not free yet, he is still letting her dictate where he lives and what he does/does not do, out of fear of upsetting her. That's no way to live your life. He has clearly come a long way out of FOG but he is still living in fear, and that is holding you both back. Time to offer him the chance for therapy again, to get hold of his life before it's too late. He needs to feel free to be and do what will make him (and you) happy with your lives, and to talk to you about the options and his preferences honestly, without having to cater for MIL.

If she didn't exist, where in the world would he like to live? What would he like to do? What plans would he and you make?

Then convince him that he can go ahead with them, and that you will support him all the way. Time to start thinking positively and not letting her push you into the negative . . . .

“If she didn't exist, where in the world would he like to live? What would he like to do? What plans would he and you make?”

This! And then do it regardless of her!

Sounds like your whole life revolves around his decisions about his life.

I wouldn't put my life on hold any longer.

He has no incentive to fix this. He gets exactly what he wants at the pace he wants. Yes there arw arguments and complaining but ultimately you keep letting him hold the reins.

How about you come back, get your career back on track, take control? If he cares enough he will get his issues sorted well enough to join you. If he doesn't care enough, better to know now than in three years time.

I agree with RunRabbitRunRabbit

Just how much more of her life must she give over to him with no guarantees at the end? Another 3 years, then another?

So I read your other thread. You must love him a lot to have stuck with him despite all the crap he’s put you through. The question is, does he love you anything like as much as you love him? He might say he does but his actions don’t reflect that at all.

Hi, sorry it took me a few days to come back. Have been sick as a dog since Monday night. I'm not going to the friend's wedding - I did look at flights for a long weekend, but I don't think I'd be well enough to fly by Friday anyway.

DH and I are talking again and I told him, at length, how he made me feel. Things are not 100%. He knows I am pissed off and that I have lost trust in him. So he needs to earn that back- he's now saying that he doesn't want to stay here long term (which I knew), and that our future is in the UK but still doesn't have a fixed timescale in mind beyond coming home before next summer. I'm not taking anything on face value.

I have no career to return to- I'm intelligent and well qualified but due to poor mental health throughout my twenties, my CV is patchy. I have not long started a part time job that is using some of my talents and that I find enjoyable - I think it would be beneficial for my self-worth to stay there until we decide to move back.

We did discuss areas in the UK away from where we are from in which we might like to settle and had a look at some jobs to get an idea on salaries away from London, which is a step forward.

Yes, I have been through a lot with him and the utter shit that's been thrown at me by his family. On the other hand, he has also stood by me and supported me through a lot, too.