DH, MIL low contact and what's next

[VodkaLimeSoda27]

This is super long, sorry

Some of you probably remember my previous MIL thread that was quite long-running. Basically, MIL and I had always had a tense relationship due to her not thinking I was good enough for her son but when we got engaged things exploded, she ruined the planning of our wedding and I have nothing to do with her now. This all kicked off over 2 years ago.

We live abroad now (and have for 2 years) and the last time I saw her was Christmas, when I told her what I thought of her. There have been times where DH hasn't been onboard as he was very enmeshed and couldn't see how toxic she was, but we had therapy and now he understands why I can't have her in my life. She has treated him appallingly and he now has virtually no contact with her either. In her narrative, I have taken her baby away (we moved for his job) and have pushed her out of his life (she accepts no responsibility for the pain she caused us).

I have always encouraged DH to make his own choices about contact with her - I understand that she's his mum and he loves her, but she has been so spiteful to him and shows no willing to change as everything is my fault. This has chipped away at his feelings for her.

So, we were talking last night about the future. We had intended to move back to the UK this year to begin the next chapter- buying a house, and having a baby. DH suggested we start trying this year after our last meeting with MIL when we were in the UK for Christmas, and I was really excited as i really want us to have a family of our own.

Now he's gone back on it all, and says he doesn't want to move back this year as he has nothing to return home for it's stupid, but I feel so sad and angry with him. It's not that I hate it here, but it's been 2 years and I'm homesick and am ready to move on to the next stage in life. We're here because of his work, and while there is the possibility of a transfer back home at the end of the year, I think he might turn it down to stay. We can't stay forever because of visas, but I think he's going to procrastinate and put it off as long as he can.

“Yes, I have been through a lot with him and the utter shit that's been thrown at me by his family. On the other hand, he has also stood by me and supported me through a lot, too.”

Actually he hasn’t protected you from their shit, he’s pressured you into taking more of it at every turn. And every time you’ve set a boundary that he doesn’t like, he’s gone AWOL, leaving you feeling abandoned and upset. He’s buried his head in the sand and refused to discuss things or go to counselling (I saw on your other thread that he did eventually agree to go in the past, but that was after months of drama and hurt, and an ultimatum from you I believe?)

That’s shit from him, not just from his family.

And you’re still letting him control the decisions.

I didn't mean particularly that he's protected me from their shit - though he did step up at Christmas in a way that I haven't seen before.

I meant that he's supported me through an ordeal that most people (thank God) can't imagine. He supported me, when as a frightened 18 year old, I reported my abuser to the police and held me after the countless interviews I had to do with them running up to the trial.

He stood by me when so many other people wanted nothing to do with me- when friends I had known since I was a kid crossed the street to avoid me, because they thought I had made up the allegations. He told me I was doing the right thing when my parents wanted me to drop it, as they couldn't stand the shame of people knowing I had been abused. He tried to shield me from the press interest and the reports on the story, which were on the national news.

He gave evidence in court to prove I had been telling the same story consistently to everyone and has cut me so much slack over the past 10 years because of the above. His mother tried to get him to break it off with me then, and he refused.

We were barely more than kids when we got together and neither of us are perfect. I am really fucking pissed off with him. But I do love him, and this thing with his mother is not the only thing I consider when I look at our relationship

I think you are getting the balance right, VodkaLime - your dh has, as you say, done a good job of supporting you through a time that most of us can't even begin to imagine. Having worked with people in crisis, I can say that those who cope fantastically with severe trauma are sometimes a bit rubbish at the more ordinary stuff in life.

He sounds like a good'un, albeit a flawed one. Stick by him, encourage him to keep talking with you, and find a solution which suits you two together.

Best of luck

MIL has really gone and done it now.

Last night, we read the last long message she sent him after their row in January (he'd only skimmed it). She is blaming the estrangement on me being 'troubled', due to the fact I was sexually abused as a child. She said it was 'hard to accept what I brought to their door'- this is what she is referring to.

I am furious and devastated that she would use this against me- the whole tone of the message is gaslighting and makes me out to be crazy. I'm not surprised, but it was still upsetting to have it confirmed in black and white that she has always disapproved of me because of my 'past issues'.

DH says there is no way back from this for him and that the level of cruelty she has showed me is disgusting.

I really, really want to email her and tell her what a spiteful bitch she is for twisting this round and trying to make out that this is about my past rather than her behaviour but I know that's probably a bad idea.

I think a wall of silence will make a better response.

Any response you make will give her ammunition.

Complete silence and zero contact will say much more.

Holy.Fuck

Sorry, no advice - I’m absolutely speechless

It’s not that surprising though is it? Not that it makes it any less wrong or upsetting, of course. But it’s hardly out of character based on previous behaviour.

Christ.

That's just utterly despicable.

Write that email but don't press Send. It will help you to just get it down in black and white. Punch a cushion maybe!

Im glad though that your husband finally has wholly got your back.

OP

How surprised are you at this latest revelation? Is DH really that shocked? It's clear that her behaviour comes from a place of extreme self-centred ness.

I just wanted to say, you might feel like you 'owe' DH for the support he's given you, and I understand that. But it doesn't mean that he gets to call the shots forever, and you have every right to state your position and act according to what you want/need.

Hi Vodka

with a name change here....

I'm so sorry that she is still casting long shadows over your life...and that DH is still focused on himself. Working on yourself is good, keep at it, but also do things for yourself x

Whoops, missed the 3rd page - sending you big hugs

I know silence is the best option! And I'll do my best to keep my finger away from the send button...

I'm not surprised, but I am horrified. She's really proved herself to be just as evil as I suspected all along. I do live with significant challenges due to my past and the accompanying health problems I've had, but I do my best to stay on top of things and live life well, etc. It's pretty awful to think anyone thinks of me as 'less' because of this.

I don't think DH is as shocked as he would have been 6 months or a year ago. He is annoyed right now because I tried to take a picture of the message to keep as a record while his back was turned. I know that was probably the wrong thing to do, but tbh at this point I don't even care.

Annoyed?

How supportive. I hope you managed to get the pic.

HE has absolutely fuck all right to be annoyed with you

Sorry Vodka, I know it’s not helpful but I’m now even more astonished than I was at how nasty she is

💐💐💐

I would block this toxic woman on all forms of communication and go completely NC.

Move back to the UK somewhere well away from her and start a new life. If you are NC she doesn't even have to know you are even in the country. She sounds vile. So sorry for all you have been through.

Hi Vodka, I posted quite a lot on your last thread (having been through hell myself with my outlaws, we (me, dc and DH) have been NC for over 6 years now and it was a very similar level of cruelty that triggered us going nc.

Hopefully, your DH will keep his promise/ statement that there is no going back now. My DH has and continues to say that too much has gone on and been said for there ever to be a resolution. Other than two short facebook messages my Dh has had no contact in 6 years.

I am so sorry that your Mil has behaved so cruelly, although the phrase 'give them enough rope and they will hang themselves' comes to mind. Your DH now has concrete and undefendable evidence of his Mothers despicable behaviour and no alternative but to fully cut ties in order to show loyalty to you.

I am concerned that your DH only seemed willing to cut ties when his mother behaved badly towards him. Be careful that your narcissistic MIL hasn't passed on her narcissism to her son! My BIL inherited his parent's narcissism and when my outlaw's awful behaviour made his girlfriend/ partner refuse his proposal (unless he stood up to his Mother), he chose to dump his girlfriend and has remained single since. My outlaws are incredibly wealthy and BIL sees £££££ now that DH and our dc are disinherited. Thankfully money is not as important to DH and me.

You have every right to want to return home to the UK, especially after promising that he wanted to move back and start a family. If this change of heart has happened since his issues with his Mother, then it could be said that he is punishing you by trying to deprive you of the love and support of your family.